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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this nanny is really inappropriate?

77 replies

1ConcernedMama · 15/05/2018 20:05

I am unsure what to do over some behaviour I have witnessed from a local nanny. She is well known in the area and has built up a positive reputation for herself.

On one occasion, I witnessed an incident where one of the children she was looking after was running away from her, despite her calling the child's name repeatedly. The child is only a toddler, and she proceeded to call the child a 'little shit' under her breath (and in earshot of myself and other parents!). I know we have all had moments of frustration with our young children, but to actually say that aloud and in front of other parents is unacceptable and unprofessional in my mind.

On another occasion she started loudly speculating with other mums that the child she is looking after must have ASD, and the mother is in denial. She went through lists of his behaviour, being critical of the mothers approach to him. Cue her asking the other mums what their opinions are and discussing her theory in front of said child!

I know if this woman was looking after my child I would want to know about these incidents. I would not continue using her for childcare. AIBU to think this is really inappropriate? I am unlikely to report it as I am fearful I will alienate myself and I feel it isn't my place to snitch on the nanny. I have not seen anything that would cause major alarm bells, just highly inappropriate behaviour.

OP posts:

nokidshere · 16/05/2018 11:37

nokidshere there is the question of emotional abuse though

On what basis? A possible one off rant overheard by the OP who doesn't know the parent or toddler? And you are assuming that the toddler, In a large group of people, not only heard but also understood what was being said? Come on, really?

Unprofessional yes, unacceptable yes, abusive and/or neglectful no.

PureColdWind · 16/05/2018 11:44

Calling a child a name under your breath is unsavoury sure, unpleasant yes, but it's not abuse or neglect. Gossiping about a child in front of that child is stupid, unprofessional and unacceptable, but it's still not abuse or neglect.

Surely if the behaviour is "unsavoury... unpleasant... stupid, unprofessional and unacceptable" the parents are likely to want to know given that they are employing her as a nanny to mind a young child?

Behaviour does not have to amount to neglect before people are entitled to be concerned.

lulu12345 · 16/05/2018 11:53

Well said PureColdWind.

When it comes to children you need to rely and gut instinct and everything I’ve heard about this situation would make me deeply unhappy as a mother.

Not sure why nokidshere seems so determined to protect the (at best) unprofessional nanny at the expense of a small child.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 16/05/2018 12:07

No mother would find this acceptable.

Was the childminder speaking to her ‘friends’ though are just other mums in general

nokidshere · 16/05/2018 12:11

Not sure why nokidshere seems so determined to protect the (at best) unprofessional nanny at the expense of a small child.

I'm not protecting anyone. I don't know this person any more than the OP does.

But swearing under your breath at a child running away from you and gossiping in the playground is not abuse or neglect. That's all.

If the OP was really concerned about the child she would have done something about it (I hope). If it had been the parent doing those things no one would be shouting abuse or neglect.

She saw the nanny for a few minutes at most, at no point in those few minutes was the child at risk of harm, she says so in her original post. I told her way back upthread to go and knock on the parents door but I'm guessing she hasn't done so.

PureColdWind · 16/05/2018 12:25

I have a child with autism and when he was small and being diagnosed I would have been beyond upset if I heard that a nanny was gossiping about my son's private information to a group of parents. The mother might or might not be in denial but she has her own journey to go through if it turns out her son has autism. He might not even have autism at all.

ISpeakJive · 16/05/2018 13:03

The op does not know the parent, she has witnessed 2 minor incidents from a nanny with a good reputation, the nanny has been unprofessional but has not put the child at risk of abuse or neglect

And you would know that, how? You don’t know what is happening behind closed doors!
Not sure if you have children wouldn’t you want to know?

Inform the mother, OP. Do it anonymously if you must.

ohtheholidays · 16/05/2018 13:16

OP if your worried about telling the Mum but you know where they live send a letter telling her what you and other parents have witnessed,no need to sign it and it would be delivered by the Postman so no way of getting back to you.

If you don't know the adress then you could always speak to someone at the school,you could ask for your details not to be passed on but they could pass on your concerns to the Mother.

I once had to do the same at our youngests school,I had to report a child minder(she was well thought of as well)for her blatant racism infront of loads of other parents and the children she was minding(she was being disgusting towards one of the Muslim mums at the school)I didn't know tha parents of the children she was looking after so I spoke to the school and they were brilliant.We didn't see her doing the school pick ups and drops offs after that(because the school found proof of what we'd said had happened,called her into the office and informed the parents of the children she looked after)I think the parents all changed child minder after that.

nokidshere · 16/05/2018 14:00

And you would know that, how? You don’t know what is happening behind closed doors!

Are you seriously suggesting that every person who shouts at a child, gossips in the playground, lets their toddler escape for a brief moment, should be reported just in case they are doing something worse behind closed doors?

The op stated that she saw nothing that raised alarm bells she just thought the nanny was being inappropriate.

If she had concerns about the child there are plenty of ways she could have dealt with it without people knowing it was her. Instead she chose to post here which implies that the child was not at risk. Because if the child was at risk and she has done nothing about it then she is as guilty as the nanny.

Back in the real world people are fallible, they speak out of turn, speak without thinking first, and make mistakes. There is nothing in the original post that points to the child being abused or neglected. Just a nanny with a big mouth and a tendency to swear under her breath.

AjasLipstick · 16/05/2018 14:23

NoKids the nanny was talking about a child's private medical matters.

That alone and without the swearing is enough to report her for. It's a serious breach of trust.

Kocerhan3 · 16/05/2018 14:49

I'm a nanny myself, OP, and never in a million years would I talk like that about the children to other mums - or to anyone?! It's disgusting and actually made me cringe to read this. I know my employer would want to hear of it and I'd probably be out of a job! A nanny's role is based on supporting the mother, not tearing her down like this... doesn't sound like this woman is the right kind to be in a nannying role :S tell the mother. 100%

wildgarlicflowers · 16/05/2018 14:57

I have always been of the view when it comes to children, especially young children it is always our business, and it always should be. The child is too young to voice his or her own concerns, so a responsible adult should do this instead.

Find out the mother's details, and call her and ask if it is a good time to speak. Make it clear you have no other motive apart from concern, but you felt she should know and should be the judge of whether this is acceptable or not, along the lines of is this was me I would want to know. It is her choice then whether to ignore, action, monitor or investigate etc but really the mother has absolutely no way of knowing otherwise.

What mother would want their child to be treated like that and be paying for the privilege?

nokidshere · 16/05/2018 14:57

NoKids the nanny was talking about a child's private medical matters.

No she wasn't, she was saying that she thinks the child has behaviours that point to asd and she thinks the parent is lacking or in denial for not getting him assessed. That is not private medical information that is gossip. She absolutely should not have been discussing her opinions in public or with other parents.

You can all clutch your pearls and pontificate all you like but nothing in the original post shows that the child was abused, neglected, or in immediate danger.

I am not saying that she was right, or that she shouldn't have her knuckles rapped or whatever else the parent wants to do should she be given the information, merely challenging the allegations from some posters that the child was harmed, put at risk, or abused because the nanny has a big mouth.

PureColdWind · 16/05/2018 15:56

nokidshere. My son has autism - that is his private medical information from the point he was diagnosed by a psychologist - it is my decision as his mother when he is young as to whether to share this with anyone and his decision as he gets older.

It is also gossip for the nanny to be discussing it.

Your attitude to this is a bit strange!

Bloodybridget · 16/05/2018 15:59

NSPCC for a nasty mutter that the child didn't hear, and an inappropriate conversation? Yes, they'll be all over that one . . .

nokidshere · 16/05/2018 16:12

nokidshere. My son has autism - that is his private medical information from the point he was diagnosed by a psychologist - it is my decision as his mother when he is young as to whether to share this with anyone and his decision as he gets older.

The child does not have asd, he has not been to see a dr, the parent has not had him assessed, the child has nothing wrong with him as far as his parents are concerned. The nanny thinks his behaviour needs checking and she voiced that opinion out loud. She has a big mouth. But it is not private medical information

Dear god

lulu12345 · 16/05/2018 17:18

We’re going to have to agree to disagree nokidshere because I actually do think the nanny’s behaviour points to a form of abuse of the child and I’d be utterly furious if I were the mother.

It’s not just about the nanny being a “big mouth” or “unprofessional”, that’s too superficial a interpretation. For me these examples, coupled with the OP’s general feel about the woman, paint a picture of someone that isn’t really cut out for the job of nanny and is failing on some basic criteria (respect for the mother for a start). I’d be furious and devastated to know I was leaving my child in the care of someone like that.

PureColdWind · 16/05/2018 18:00

It is irrelevant whether he actually has ASD. The nanny belives he has ASD so as far as the nanny is concerned it seems to be ok to discuss what would be regarded as private medical information with random people she meets.

Also, he might well have ASD so then it actually is private medical information that she is gossiping about.

PorkyPortia · 16/05/2018 18:21

nokidshere she should not be discussing anything about the child with another parent , whether its just her opinion or not

PureColdWind · 16/05/2018 18:23

"The child does not have asd, he has not been to see a dr, the parent has not had him assessed, the child has nothing wrong with him as far as his parents are concerned"

If someone has ASD they are born with it and they will always have it regardless of whether they are ever assessed and regardless of whether the parents believe the child has it or not.

funfair · 16/05/2018 18:38

I have a nanny and I would want to know if ours was acting like this.

Onceuponatimethen · 16/05/2018 19:24

Pure last time I looked a nanny couldn’t dx asd

PureColdWind · 16/05/2018 19:49

I never said a nanny could diagnose ASD. I was responding to the posts by nokidshere.

Having said that, a nanny might well spot that a child appears to have ASD and she might be right or wrong about that. Its not her place to discuss it with stangers anyway whether it turns out he does or he doesn't.

Onceuponatimethen · 16/05/2018 19:52

Agreed.

nokidshere · 16/05/2018 21:52

I never said a nanny could diagnose ASD. I was responding to the posts by nokidshere

And I'm saying that the child does not have asd as far as we know from the op and even if he did it's not the nanny's place to dx it or to discuss her concerns with anyone other than the parents.

nokidshere she should not be discussing anything about the child with another parent , whether its just her opinion or not

Of course she shouldn't, I totally agree. But neither does the fact that she did amount to child abuse and neglect.

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