To think this nanny is really inappropriate?

[1ConcernedMama]

I am unsure what to do over some behaviour I have witnessed from a local nanny. She is well known in the area and has built up a positive reputation for herself.

On one occasion, I witnessed an incident where one of the children she was looking after was running away from her, despite her calling the child's name repeatedly. The child is only a toddler, and she proceeded to call the child a 'little shit' under her breath (and in earshot of myself and other parents!). I know we have all had moments of frustration with our young children, but to actually say that aloud and in front of other parents is unacceptable and unprofessional in my mind.

On another occasion she started loudly speculating with other mums that the child she is looking after must have ASD, and the mother is in denial. She went through lists of his behaviour, being critical of the mothers approach to him. Cue her asking the other mums what their opinions are and discussing her theory in front of said child!

I know if this woman was looking after my child I would want to know about these incidents. I would not continue using her for childcare. AIBU to think this is really inappropriate? I am unlikely to report it as I am fearful I will alienate myself and I feel it isn't my place to snitch on the nanny. I have not seen anything that would cause major alarm bells, just highly inappropriate behaviour.

I’d place serious money on this being my old nanny. She didn’t last long - due to similar disgusting behaviour (slagging off both my child and our parenting to my friends)! I am so, eternally grateful to the person who told me, I needed to know. Please, if you know the parents let them know.

Funnily enough I’ve never been asked for a reference, despite her still working. She knows what I would say.

I would really want to know if it was my child/nanny.

When my first baby was tiny we regularly went to a playgroup and once a nanny came with a little girl who was in floods of tears almost the whole time. She was ok when the playgroup leader or I picked her up but her nanny just ignored her and did stuff on her phone. I should have made more of an effort or said something to the nanny. Still feel bad now.

Most nannies I see out and about are nice to the children.

I’d tell the mother if you know her

I’m a nanny and I have, on very bad days (and I have had some shockers - I adore the kids I look after but they aren’t angels) had to take a deep breath and stop myself screaming bad words. I have also commented on their behaviour - nothing in depth but maybe a “they’ve been very challenging today”. However I would never swear or speculate on serious behaviour conditions! So inappropriate! I panic I’ve said too much if I make a throw away comment like oh they fell over yesterday so I have no idea what this woman is playing at! However I don’t think you can really say anything as she’d probably just deny it. If there are any other issues then take t to the parents.

If I was the child’s mum I’d be raging and want to know but I’d probably keep out of it if I were you as it’ll only cause hassle and she’ll likeky deny it

So if it’s not your own child then who gives a shit ? nice mindset.
Op as some pp have said. Please tell the child’s parent.

Sounds like a bad egg whose got too big for her boots, and complacent. If I were the mum and those were my kids I'd want rid. I'd go and see the mum and tell her what I saw. Stuff what the bloody nanny thinks. She's wrong.

Oh gosh, I’m afraid I’d definitely be passing on this information to the mums OP.
As PPs have already said...it would worry me that she didn’t inherently ‘like’ the children in her care....

She sounds like she really dislikes the child- that is concerning. I would report OP 100%. This is emotionally and psychological abuse to a vulnerable child. My concern would be what happens when no one is around?

I always used to advise in safeguarding training that it's better to report and be wrong then not report and be right.

Too many people stand back because they 'don't want to interfere', 'don't want to be a busy body', 'don't want to get involved'. We've had too many cases whereby if someone had done those things, then maybe a child's life could have been saved.

If the child “must have ASD” and the nanny is finding the behaviour challenging (resulting in first incident), or maybe needs to vent about a mother in denial (resulting in second incident)...I find both outbursts unprofessional and unacceptable.
If you are not close friends with the mother, then you are not losing a lot by telling her. It seems it has concerned you enough to want to do something but not know how/what.
The nanny has said the mother is in denial about the ASD, so the mother may be hostile about you telling her other school mums have been told about her DC.
As a mother I would want to know and not want my child exposed to this, also would not want my family matters discussed at the school gate, especially in front of my own child.
A letter addressed to the mother?

The cursing is highly inappropriate but it could have been a very challenging day for all we know and it may have sliped and been a one-off and considering she didn't actually shout it at the kid, I would have assumed it was more out of exhaustation more than anything else (though still very unprofessional).

Speaking badly of the mother and talking of a potential condition (ASD or else) in front of the child is out of line though BUT my mother is a childminder and I grew up surrounded with kids (and I did also nanny) and it's true that some parents are in complete denials about symptoms their kid shows. I remember my mother had to break a contract with a mother because she was litterally starving her baby as she was pumping her milk and refusing to acknowledge that she wasn't pumping enough milk for the day and would refuse for my mum to feed her more or anything else as "breast milk was best" (she would provide my mother with the equivalent of about a bottle of milk if that for the entire day!) so the child would scream the entire day out of hunger it was awful. Some others included a child whose feet weren't quite right when he walked (quite normal for babies but it got worse) which was flagged and mentioned by my mother quite a few times and could have been corrected early but the parents were in denials until it was so obvious that they eventually took him to a specialist where the child then had to follow a much heavier procedure that likely could have been avoided had they actually taken into account what my mother had mentioned.

Way too many stories like that I can recall where parents take genuine concerns from their nanny/childminder regarding their kid's health/behaviour as personal attacks instead of seeing it as something that may come from a place of love.

Childminders and nannies often discuss/whine over parents, kids behaviours etc amongst themselves... cause it's a job and like every job it's rant-worthy at times. I think dissing the mother and discussing potential health-issues with other parents is absolutely inappropriate though and extremely unprofessional and I would be very unhappy with that if I was the mother, so I would probably tell the nanny (actually) what I thought of it before potentially mentionning it to the mother (mostly depending on her reaction/how apologetic she seemed).
I think it would also depend how she is discussing it with other parents, does it seem like it comes from a place of genuine concern where she is asking for genuine opinion on actual symptoms the child portrays that could be linked to ASD (or any other condition) and not just her being sick of the toddler ? if that's the case maybe she is hoping talking to it with parents would make one of them casually mention it to the mum who may be more "keen" to look into the symptoms if it come from another parent and not just the nanny.

Not sure really, she seems unpleasant and unprofessional tbh and I would probably keep a close eye on her and mention anything suspicious to the mother.

If we reported every person we see badmouthing other people, swearing at children, smacking a child, being on their phones when supposedly caring for a child, or lots of other inappropriate behaviours there would be an awful lot of reporting of both parents and carers.

Being paid to look after a child doesn't make it any less demanding and we all (yes all) do things that we wouldn't normally when under pressure.

There are lots of people I don't think should be parents or carers, who don't take risk seriously enough, who call their children "little shits" or worse. The ones who let their 2-4 yr olds run ahead on or near a busy road because "it's ok they know not to go near the road", the ones who say "my (small) child or toddler knows and understands consequences of their actions" the ones who smack because of their own lack of parenting "I only smack them if they are about to do something dangerous", are just a few examples of unacceptable things I see/hear daily

Calling a child a name under your breath is unsavoury sure, unpleasant yes, but it's not abuse or neglect. Gossiping about a child in front of that child is stupid, unprofessional and unacceptable, but it's still not abuse or neglect.

Unless you know the parent personally there is little you can do about it. Go and knock on her door and tell her if you must but don't expect her to believe a random stranger over her nanny who, in your words, has a good reputation.

And unless we see something that's neglectful or abusive or a child (or anyone) is in immediate danger it really isn't our business to police other people's lives.

I once found out the Mother of a child I'd seen in a playgroup whose nanny was disgusting.

The child was 18 months or so and the Nanny would sit with a group of other nannies ignoring their charges. That was bad enough but this nanny laughed loudly when her charge fell of some equipment and never went to get him. He was crying in that devastated way they do when they feel lost :(

I picked him up and pointedly brought him to her...she said "He'll be ok..just let him get on with it"

Later that morning I saw her teasing him with a biscuit...holding it just out of reach.

I went straight to the church volunteer who was in charge of the door and said "Do you mind if I just look at this?"

And I whipped the paper with all the sign ins on it round to face me and got the boys full name. Then I detectived until I got his Mum's name and phoned her up.

She was so upset but glad I'd told her and she sacked the nanny the same week. There was something so malicious about this nanny that I just couldnt leave it.

Well done AjaysLipstick. Who knows what torment you saved that little boy from.

As to the previous two posters providing excuses for the nanny.. really sad to read this. It should be for the mother to decide whether this behaviour from a nanny is ok or not. (In my view absolutely not.)

As to the previous two posters providing excuses for the nanny.. really sad to read this. It should be for the mother to decide whether this behaviour from a nanny is ok or not. (In my view absolutely not.)

So you think it's more acceptable for parents to behave in the same way? And you would report them for doing so? I think not!

The op does not know the parent, she has witnessed 2 minor incidents from a nanny with a good reputation, the nanny has been unprofessional but has not put the child at risk of abuse or neglect.

What do you think should happen?

Personally I don’t think the incidents are minor (my gut feeling is this is the tip of the iceberg and I’d be very upset if I were the mother). What I think should happen is that the OP should find a way to tell the mother so that she has the information and can decide how to act.

Quite possible that the mother would feel the same as you and not do anything about it, but at least give her the information so she can decide herself.

I believe that child welfare is everyone’s problem. Children that can’t speak for themselves deserve to have other adults looking out for them. If a negligent nanny thinks I’m a busybody who should mind her own business, then so be it but that wouldn’t be enough to stop me trying to help this little child.

If the OP has felt so uncomfortable about what she’s seen that she was compelled to post here, then I think she should follow up her gut instinct and speak to the mother on behalf of the child.

. If a negligent nanny thinks I’m a busybody who should mind her own business, then so be it but that wouldn’t be enough to stop me trying to help this little child.

The nanny has not been negligent. She has been unprofessional - there is a huge difference

Fair enough, perhaps I chose the wrong word. At the end of the day all I’m worried about is whether she’s neglecting or harming the child in some way.

@AjasLipstick - argree with your actions wholeheartedly- I’d have done exactly the same in your position.
I’d also be incredibly grateful to you if I was the mother of the child.

Fair enough, perhaps I chose the wrong word. At the end of the day all I’m worried about is whether she’s neglecting or harming the child in some way

The toddler ran away from her and she swore under her breath, she gossiped about the child and parents whilst the child was there - neither of those things indicate that she is harming or neglecting a child.

I agree with you OP - the nanny is being neglectful - her comments seriously undermine the emotional and psychological reputation of her charge.

nokidshere there is the question of emotional abuse though

Bravo @lulu12345

Very well said!

Absolutely, Porky

Are these two isolated incidents? If you're there when the nanny talks and acts like this why not say something to her? Even something like " I don't feel comfortable talking about something this personal with you and in front of X. lyou should raise your concerns with DC's mother?".

What Sally says about Suzy says more about Sally than it does about Suzy.

It's wholly inappropriate for her to swear at the child and talk about his development with other people. No idea how anyone could think she is a nanny of good standing or a suitable person to be looking after children behaving like this.

I would 100% want to know if my nanny did either of those things. Totally unacceptable.