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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the hen weekend

60 replies

YettaTessieMarmelstein · 15/05/2018 07:14

A friend I used to work with is having a trip to Venice for two days/three nights for her hen weekend. Three of us who used to work with her are invited. One person isn’t going because she is having IVF. The other person isn’t going because of the cost and childcare.
I know a few of the other friends to say hello to but no one well, and no one well enough to share a room with. I have never met at least half the guests. About 20 are going altogether.
I imagine it would cost me at least £500 at least. None of the costs of arrangements have been discussed, no plans shared with me, no one checked that we were okay with the accommodation and prices before it was arranged.
Anyway, I’m not going. I texted the organiser and phoned the bride to be. I suggested the three of us who aren’t going have a spa day instead. She is really upset. She says she can’t imagine me not being there. I feel she is being quite passive aggressive with me now. I have a holiday with my partner booked and she said ‘glad you are getting a holiday’.
I really like this person but her attitude is putting me off her.
AIBU to think if you are having a massive, expensive hen then you have no right to be annoyed if people can’t go or choose not to?

OP posts:
Pootlebug · 15/05/2018 07:15

Your last sentence has it spot on.

Petitepamplemousse · 15/05/2018 07:15

YANBU! It’s an expensive, once in a lifetime style location. Why should you pay hundreds just to attend a hen do?

KinkyAfro · 15/05/2018 07:15

I wouldnt pay that to go on a hen do, not even for my closest friends

Original poster
YettaTessieMarmelstein · 15/05/2018 07:20

To be clear, I never said I was going so i’m Not pulling out. I was waiting to hear about confirmed costs before making up my mind. The food and drink alone would probably be the cost of my mortgage.

OP posts:
elessar · 15/05/2018 07:20

Venice? You'd be lucky if it cost you twice that.

Flights and accommodation alone are likely to cost the £500 and then with drinks, food and activities the cost would skyrocket - Venice is lovely but very expensive.

She will have a lot of drop outs I'm sure, but that kind of hen is not reasonable for any but your closest friends and even then only if they really want to do that kind of thing and have the money to spare.

Iloveacurry · 15/05/2018 07:20

£500 is a big ask! It would probably be a no from me too. If you want people to come, then you don’t have such expensive hen dos.

AJPTaylor · 15/05/2018 07:21

She is prob pissed off because lots of people are not going. She has spent too much time reading those bride websites.
I had a colleague who did similar. It ended up with 4 of them (from 20).

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 15/05/2018 07:21

She obviously doesn't want many people there or she would haven chosen some where cheap or paid for the invitees.

There's no way I would pay that for a wedding or hen do invite.

KirstenRaymonde · 15/05/2018 07:23

You’re right to not go. I hate these crazy expensive Hen do’s and making people feel bad for not going on them, I think it’s rude of the bride to arrange them in the first place, it’s such a big ask of even your close friends.

Tiredspice2 · 15/05/2018 07:25

Absolutely good that you are not going! What is happening with these crazy hen dos that are so very expensive?! What is wrong with these women - why do they they expect people to pay so much just because they are getting married? Such entitlement is truly shocking!

Good for you OP, and don’t feel bad about her response.

Bridesmaidinchief · 15/05/2018 07:25

YADNBU. A bride is allowed to choose an expensive hen party if she wants but ONLY (in my opinion) if she completely accepts that a lot of people can't or won't go and is fine with that.

I don't know where people get the idea that they can throw their weight around and be pushy when it comes to hen parties. Who is she to insist that you spend your time and money in the way that suits her?!

If she can't imagine you not being there, she'll have to rethink her plans and make them more achievable. It's not your reaponsibility to bend to her whims!

Butterymuffin · 15/05/2018 07:26

She's being completely unreasonable to be narky that you can't afford it. Ignore any more remarks from her.

The80sweregreat · 15/05/2018 07:27

Stick to your guns. It’s ridiculous.
Bride is bring unreasonable not you.

Babbaganoush · 15/05/2018 07:28

YANBU! £500 is a huge amount for a hen do! There's no way I'd be going. Maybe if it was my best friend or sister I could justify that amount but otherwise nope.

Sounds like she is trying to guilt trip you with her holiday comment. Stick to your guns but definitely keep the spa day option on the table (which is a lovely idea by the way) as she will probably come to her senses eventually. I think weddings and hen dos can make normal rational people a bit self absorbed and 'tunnel visioned'....(Saying this as someone who probably was that person so not judging!)

PurpleCrazyHorse · 15/05/2018 07:33

The only way I’d go on an expensive hen do is if I could afford it and it was a very close friend (of which there is only one I would consider it for). It is hugely rude to be passive aggressive over people who decline. Decline and think nothing of it, maybe have a spa day with your work mates as a catch up?

annandale · 15/05/2018 07:37

I wouldn't go, no.
Venice is a terrible idea for a hen do and they won't have a lot of fun

Laiste · 15/05/2018 07:37

YANBU

You won't be the only one deciding they can't afford it.

She'll calm down. Just carry on being friendly as if all's fine. I'd not be able to be close mates with someone capable of such a lack of common sense and forethought though.

MoistCantaloupe · 15/05/2018 07:45

YANBU.

It's also an odd location for a hen party really.

Motherofallbeasts · 15/05/2018 07:47

I’m 43 and when I got married 20 years ago no one ad hen nights or stag nights like this - have they been marketed by bridal magazines? Why does anyone think they are a good idea? I think you’d be lucky to leave a weekend in venice for less than £1000 as I imagine she’ll want all the Instagram photo ops......

cakecakecheese · 15/05/2018 07:49

Of course it's not unreasonable £500 for a weekend without taking into get account food, drink, activities etc is a hell of a lot especially if you think what you could be getting for that money, I'm going on an all inclusive holiday for a week that's costing £250. If you do really want your hen to be abroad you have to be prepared that people may not be able to afford it. I went on a hen do to Ibiza a few years ago and the bride was so conscious about costs that she managed to get it down to an incredibly cheap amount and everyone she wanted to come did.

biscuitraider · 15/05/2018 07:49

Why has she chosen such an expensive location. It's an appalling choice for a hen do. Venice is very expensive, absolutely so thoughtless of her to think everyone has the money to spare. Definitely more than £500 as well. I should imagine there'll be a lot of resentment from the the others at what this is going to set them back.Probably a few drop outs too.

Quickerthanavicar · 15/05/2018 07:49

Whatever happened to having a nice civilised meal and a stripper?

BlueJava · 15/05/2018 07:52

YANBU at all. It's a lot of money, you haven't been included in the arrangements. I think just stay as friendly as possible but if she chooses to have a huff then so be it.

Venice is an unusual location for a hen do anyway - it's known to be v expensive and to my mind it's really a couple or culture destination. Not that it has any bearing on her choice. Stay strong, it'll blow over as with all wedding stuff! :) (including Meghan's current problems!)

expatinscotland · 15/05/2018 07:52

YANBU. Ridiculous amount of money for a weekend away with strangers. She's a cow for expecting people to stump this up for her sodding hen do and then getting PA when people can't or won't go.

timeisnotaline · 15/05/2018 07:52

I’d love to go to Venice and still wouldn’t go to a colleague’s hens there as it would mean I couldn’t do all the things I wanted to do. (A best friend’s I would)