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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the hen weekend

60 replies

YettaTessieMarmelstein · 15/05/2018 07:14

A friend I used to work with is having a trip to Venice for two days/three nights for her hen weekend. Three of us who used to work with her are invited. One person isn’t going because she is having IVF. The other person isn’t going because of the cost and childcare.
I know a few of the other friends to say hello to but no one well, and no one well enough to share a room with. I have never met at least half the guests. About 20 are going altogether.
I imagine it would cost me at least £500 at least. None of the costs of arrangements have been discussed, no plans shared with me, no one checked that we were okay with the accommodation and prices before it was arranged.
Anyway, I’m not going. I texted the organiser and phoned the bride to be. I suggested the three of us who aren’t going have a spa day instead. She is really upset. She says she can’t imagine me not being there. I feel she is being quite passive aggressive with me now. I have a holiday with my partner booked and she said ‘glad you are getting a holiday’.
I really like this person but her attitude is putting me off her.
AIBU to think if you are having a massive, expensive hen then you have no right to be annoyed if people can’t go or choose not to?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2018 07:52

YANBU. She is if she thinks being passive aggressive will make you change your mind.

I quite like a hen do but if I’m spending that sort of cash for a long weekend I’m going somewhere with my husband, not a bunch of people I barely know!

Suggesting an alternative for the 3 of you was lovely but if she’s going to be shitty about you missing the Venice extravaganza rather than respecting your choice then don’t bother.

And hen costs always spiral!

bookmum08 · 15/05/2018 07:54

I don't think I paid £500 for my 'wedding' and 'honeymoon' combined!!
(wedding was at Registrar Office and honeymoon was an afternoon at a local park).
I think you should tell this so called friend loud and clear that you do not have a spare £500 for this and that £500 is a LOT of money.

SnoogyWoo · 15/05/2018 07:55

Or a nice civilised stripper and a meal.

JustDanceAddict · 15/05/2018 07:56

Hen nights have gone mad! Mine was 18 yes ago and we just went out to eat/a club then some came to stay at mine and fry up the next day. Dh went to the seaside in UK with his stags - football, pub, curry etc. We all enjoyed!

shinysinkredemption · 15/05/2018 07:56

YANBU. She'll get over it. She's caught up in feeling like the world revolves around her, that's all. Send her a nice card saying how sorry you are not to be able to afford it (as it sounds like you'd be going if it was in the UK, even if just for a night) but you hope she has a really nice time.

I'd drop the suggestion of a spa day as she was so ungracious about it.

JustDanceAddict · 15/05/2018 07:57

And in answer, she is BU. I’d never spend that and my friends couldn’t afford it and even if some could I wouldn’t expect them to.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 15/05/2018 08:06

If she really couldn’t imagine her hen without you there, then she should have spoken to you about what you could/wanted to do. However, given it’s a friend you used to work with and not your very best friend, I think that’s bollocks and she can just see the numbers rapidly decreasing. Unsurprisingly. Don’t go & don’t feel bad.

MumofBoysx2 · 15/05/2018 08:10

If you choose an extravagant hen do like that then you need to expect a high percentage of people not coming.

pigmcpigface · 15/05/2018 08:19

I bloody hate this thing where people want to book extremely expensive hen/stag dos and then get uppity when others simply can't afford the expense. It's completely selfish and inconsiderate. Those in question are simply getting married, not saving the earth from imminent apocalypse. People need to have a bit more thought for others and a bit more humility.

Original poster
YettaTessieMarmelstein · 15/05/2018 08:47

Thanks everyone. I am really fond of her and hate the thought of upsetting her. It’s a shame it’s over this.

OP posts:
kissthealderman · 15/05/2018 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

biscuitraider · 15/05/2018 08:57

Perhaps say the only way you could go is to take out a bank loan, but you're not really prepared to do that. Just to let her realise how unreasonable she's being.

MargaretCavendish · 15/05/2018 09:00

Another vote for of course YANBU. I think that, as it sounds like you do want to stay friends, just ignore her PA comments (though I'd remember that she was like this in the future, as it does say something about her) and hopefully she'll just get over with it and you don't need to ever speak of it again. If she won't get over it then that's a shame but her problem, not yours.

userlotsanumbers · 15/05/2018 09:05

YANBU, of course.

I'm having a vision of couples floating along the river, gondolier singing the cornetto song.....and a load of pissed up brits staggering by screeching 'PASS US THE PLASTIC WILLY!!!!'

A very, very strange venue for a hen do, IMO.

redastherose · 15/05/2018 09:14

I agree with pp you are probably looking at £1000 not £500 and no yanbu

LaurieMarlow · 15/05/2018 09:37

Not unreasonable at all, that's crazy money. And yes, it'll be much more like a grand by the time everything's paid for.

Just keep telling her, politely and firmly that you can't afford it. The crazy spends should be challenged.

expatinscotland · 15/05/2018 09:46

'Thanks everyone. I am really fond of her and hate the thought of upsetting her. It’s a shame it’s over this.'

Yeah, well, she certainly doesn't hate the thought of upsetting you or her mates by expecting them to stump up mega money for her hen do. Just stick to not going and do not back down. It's a piss take to expect people to spend so much money on their hen do.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 15/05/2018 09:49

Venice is one of the most expensive cities in the world.
Considering that a couple of coffees in St Marks square can set you back £40, your £500 isn't going to cover it...

KerplunkChampion · 15/05/2018 09:54

#stripperandapint

KC225 · 15/05/2018 10:00

Venice is hideously expensive. I think you'd be lucky to get away with 500. I remember alcohol being particularly pricey. It's not really a 'hen do' location - don't be bullied into this. Your reasoning is sound. You have offered an alternative, celebration to include the other people not going. She clearly doesn't know the meaning of passive aggressive.

Petitepamplemousse · 15/05/2018 23:55

Yep- I went to Venice and spent 800 in a week. And I am NOT a crazy spender- very careful usually.

Petitepamplemousse · 15/05/2018 23:56

Oh and that’s on top of the hotel and flights. It was crazy.

Writersblock2 · 16/05/2018 00:01

It’s super expensive. We honeymooned in Venice, Florence and Rome - Venice was by far the most expensive, day for day,’of the three. I love Venice and I’d encourage anyone to visit - but not for a hen party. What an utter waste of a brilliant location.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/05/2018 00:06

As others have said Venice is a strange place to go on a hen. To me it is a special place to go with loved ones, not a hen. Also horribly expensive.

YANBU

Leeds2 · 16/05/2018 00:31

She might be upset because more people than you are aware of have pulled out. I don't think you are at all unreasonable to decline.

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