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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What assumptions would you make about me if I told you-

98 replies

Janediamond · 14/05/2018 22:50

that I am 35.
that I had never been in a relationship.

-that I had only had sex once, to see what it was like (not that great).

(No physical/aesthetic/personality reasons, I just don’t want to. Am curious to know what thoughts would occurr to people who learn this about me).

Thanks

?
Asking because I wonder what goes through p

OP posts:

Original poster

Janediamond · 14/05/2018 23:02

Thank you all for your answers, please keep them coming

OP posts:

Closethegate · 14/05/2018 23:03

Honestly?

I’d think you were limiting your life experiences based on one crap shag.

I’d probably wonder if there was some abuse in your childhood or a horrible family situation. It’s a pretty rare choice to go through life alone. At essence we are social animals. I think I’d feel sorry for you.

I wouldn’t voice any of that though and would probably wonder why you were telling me something so personal!

fullponty · 14/05/2018 23:04

I would think you must be asexual or depending how you came across I might wonder whether you had autism.

I think if I knew a 35yo had only had sex once I would find that less weird than somebody who was sexual but had never had a relationship iykwim?

BestZebbie · 14/05/2018 23:04

I might think that you are shy or find it hard to meet people, if you also gave that impression in other ways/seemed unhappy being single. If not, I'd assume you were choosing that lifestyle from preference and were asexual.

Nerdybeethoven · 14/05/2018 23:05

I would wonder if you were happy. As far as anyone's happy. I would want you to be happy. I worry about people being unhappy and alone, or yearning for a relationship/ children. But I also know that you can be with someone and have kids and be very miserable and lonely. If I got to know you, I would be fascinated and probably envious. Each to their own. I don't judge.

RadiantResults · 14/05/2018 23:08

I wouldn't care. I've got a friend whose never been in a relationship and I've wondered if he feels similarly. I'd never presume to ask though. He seems happy with his life. That's the main thing...

Squeeless · 14/05/2018 23:10

Unless you were a close friend I'd be surprised at you telling me that information. The same would go for anybody disclosing their sexual history though.

Mrsmadevans · 14/05/2018 23:10

I'd think you had been through an early menopause if you were a ladeee.

HagSeed · 14/05/2018 23:11

I'd think we might be kindred spirits. I didn't have a relationship, let alone sex, until I was 30 and have been with the same person since. If I hadn't met him I would probably still be a virgin as I was not one bit interested in having a relationship before I met him.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 14/05/2018 23:15

I would think that based on that I wouldn't know enough to know anything about you. :-)

SpottedOnMN · 14/05/2018 23:16

I think that most people's first shag isn't particularly inspiring. I had years of bad sex. Once I'd had good sex (and my first orgasm) I realised that all those books weren't exaggerating

For me, at least, it's worth the bother.

WeShouldBeFriends · 14/05/2018 23:20

I would probably think you might have attachment issues or be socially awkward. But your personality may not suggest that. I wouldn't think badly of you at all.

Branleuse · 14/05/2018 23:20

I'd think you didn't like people much , were asexual. I'd wonder if you were maybe on the spectrum

Grumpyoldblonde · 14/05/2018 23:24

I wouldn't give it much thought. I might vaguely wonder if you were tied up in your career, hobby or caring duties but certainly wouldn't judge you in any way.

TrinaN · 14/05/2018 23:26

I don't find it weird at all.

I would wonder whether you had been put off by the bad first time and tell you not to let it put you off but I would not judge or think anything more.

How could I - I was uninterested in any of it until I was 27 when I decided I would like to meet someone. The first person I met for a date I married!

Unless you tell people they never know (it's not their business anyway) and most people will have just assumed you have a relationship and/or sexual history - people always did with me and the only person who really knows otherwise is my husband.

Original poster

Janediamond · 14/05/2018 23:26

Well this is generally encouraging to hear I am definitely not on the spectrum, and no attachment issues, so seems that most people would either not care or correctly assume that I am asexual. Quite a relief really.

Not that I think it would normally come up in conversation of course, but there’s a difference between just not talking about something, and feeling that you have to keep it hidden.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 14/05/2018 23:30

I’d think it was unusual, but not “weird”.

If you told me about the one-time-sex I’d tell you it was no basis to make a judgement. I’d feel you were missing out, to be honest!

I’d wonder why you didn’t want a relationship, whilst being quite clear myself that relationships are a load of bloody hard work and I sometimes feel it’d be nice to opt out!

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 14/05/2018 23:34

Just googled asexual to check I understood it correctly.
So it is the lack of sexual desire for a person of either gender.

I would wonder if you had ever been in love, or if you were lonely / lived alone

BackforGood · 14/05/2018 23:34

Another who wouldn't think anything about it (though not sure even how I'd know). We're all different.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/05/2018 23:36

If you told me that then I would think you were weird for telling me!

As long as your choices make you happy, I cant say I would think much about it at all tbh. Except perhaps to tell you that the first time is always shit and it takes a while to get to know what you like and how to have a good sex life, its something you learn as you go.

CatelynStark · 14/05/2018 23:37

I suspect my daughter will never have a sexual relationship and if she’s happy, then I’m happy. She doesn’t need another person to confirm her worth. She has close friends, a loving family and a strong set of values. It’s just who she is and I’m proud of her for not succumbing to peer pressure and a society who conditions us to feel we are lesser beings if we are happy alone.

RedPanda2 · 14/05/2018 23:37

I would think you were asexual and not odd at all

greendale17 · 14/05/2018 23:37

I would feel sorry for you

ReanimatedSGB · 14/05/2018 23:38

I'd wonder, first, why you wanted to tell me. And then I would wonder if you wanted to change, or not. if you are happy, then it's no one else's business. If you are not happy, and would like to explore dating/sex/relationships, I might suggest a couple of sessions with a counsellor or something. But I wouldn't criticize you or try to pressure you to change your mind.

CaledonianQueen · 14/05/2018 23:38

I would say though that your first sexual experience is generally not great. If you are a woman it hurts, it is uncomfortable and a little bit shocking. It takes several more times before the pain actually leaves and it starts to be enjoyable. If you are a guy I would imagine it would be over very quickly.

If my only sexual experience was painful and uncomfortable I wouldn't be keen to repeat it either. But I was in a loving relationship with a gentle partner who was able to show me how pleasurable sex can be.

I personally could not be that intimate with a stranger/ someone I hardly know. I needed to have feelings for my partner and thankfully my DH was willing to wait. I am autistic and know that I enjoy sex because I love my DH and it strengthens our connection and love for each other. I had absolutely no desire to have sex before meeting my DH though. And have no desire to become intimate with anyone else.

Perhaps you haven't met the right person yet.

Or perhaps you are asexual and have no need for a relationship with intimacy.

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