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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell kids’ grandma to stop buying them things as rewards/ joining in with our reward chart

67 replies

PlasticDaggers · 14/05/2018 11:23

I have two DDs, 9 and 5. The 5 year old is very challenging. In order to try to make especially bedtimes and school mornings less of a nightmare we have a reward chart – once they get to the top (by being cooperative, nice to each other, not screaming, getting out of the house without a fuss, going to sleep at a reasonable time Etc. Etc.) they get a sticker, when they get 10 stickers they get to choose something from my box of mostly cheap and cheerful things. The things in there range in cost from 50p to about a fiver but most are about £2/3.

Their grandma loves to buy them crap. I can understand that but it’s unhelpful. She knows we have no space and usually when she gets them more crap it stays at her house. I’m made to feel like the bad guy every time but it’s a given now: crap grandma gives them stays at grandma's. It doesn’t stop them asking to bring it home, though, and then I’m the bad guy again.

She’ll get them stuff and say “have they been good, mum?”.
Well actually, no, they bloody haven’t. The 5 year old is a daily struggle and I really don’t think showering her with lots more plastic crap for no reason other than grandma enjoys giving them stuff is helping. The 9 year old is generally pretty ‘good’ most days, but by giving to one but not the other, more problems are created.

The last time she bought them something, LOL dolls, I explained the chart situation and that giving them stuff all the time is not helping, and also that she's undermining what I am trying to achieve here. She appears to be going along with it, but not really. Because she’s still buying them crap! I just read an email she sent to my eldest to say she’ll buy her some more LOL dolls for when she gets her stickers. FFS.
(The email was riddled with spelling mistakes too which is another AIBU, I encouraged my daughter to write emails to family and friends as a more fun way to practice spelling and receiving replies from adults with typos is not helpful!)
By giving my kids these ‘rewards’ she’s devaluing what I can/want to give them, and it causes more problems because they still want the excitement of choosing something from the box but still want the damn LOL doll too. (They cost between £5-£10 each for anyone who’s not familiar with them.)

She spoils them rotten at birthdays and Christmas, is it unreasonable to ask that she just stops buying them stuff every weekend too?! Not that it would do any good, as I have, and she doesn’t. I feel mean making them leave their crap there but we have no space to keep all this stuff. She does tend to buy them small (in size) stuff so is trying to be considerate of this but it’s still unhelpful due to the fact that we could have all the storage in the world and their rooms would still be a mess. It’s normal for their room to be an utter mess again the day after tidying it. They do not care. I periodically take toys away as they refuse to tidy them up, they have so much that they don’t notice or care.

But it’s the current interference (or if I was being kinder – her trying to participate/help) with our reward chart that is annoying me. It’s not her place, she doesn’t have to deal with the difficulties on a daily basis, or have to battle with them to pick up all the dangerous hard plastic crap they leave on their floor every day. So please stop giving them stuff so they might have more of an incentive to 'earn' stuff by being nicer at home!

I don’t really like the whole reward and punishment thing, I know long term it won’t create changes, but I’m at a loss with my 5 year old’s behaviour at the moment and this helps a bit, it also helps me to see the day as a whole rather than concentrate on the impossible ‘now’ when she’s being very challenging.

OP posts:

taratill · 14/05/2018 11:59

Your 5 year old will sometimes tidy their room? That's amazing!
It's a struggle to get my 9 year old to do this.

I think it is a tough one. GP see it as their right to 'spoil' their GC. So long as she isn't undermining your parenting and saying your DM won't buy you that because you've been naughty but I will then I don't think there is much you will be able to do about it without offending them.

dinosaursandtea · 14/05/2018 12:01

But it’s NOT the gps ‘right’ to do anything, especially not interfere with parenting.

Luisa27 · 14/05/2018 12:02

.....that’s what grannies and grandpas are for surely?

taratill · 14/05/2018 12:04

buying a gift is not interfering with parenting though is it? Unless it is directly reference to 'mummy won't buy it so I will'.

OP do you rely on this GP for childcare? If you do then you really don't have a right to complain about their generosity towards your children.

I feel sorry for GPs in the mumsnet world, I really do. They're up there with MILs. I suspect this GP is the MIL!

oursofas · 14/05/2018 12:08

Is she not getting involved with the sticker system because, otherwise, you'd say the children were being rewarded when they had been misbehaved?

Mannix · 14/05/2018 12:08

YANBU. Neither my mum or my MIL do this and it would really annoy me if they did! We get enough plastic tat in the house as it is from party bags, school fetes etc.

Is this your DH’s mum? Could he have a word with her?

bf1000 · 14/05/2018 12:10

Just separate what goes on in your house to grandma's. Grandma gives stuff if she wants to. They earn stuff rewards at yours.
Let them bring the stuff back to play with for a week then return to grandma's so they have it when at grandma's house.

Focus on the positive behaviour, loads of praise for that. Join in with tasks they have to do,try and make it a game to tidy.

Make time for lots of fun and games with them.

My 5 old is very challenging and it's hard, so I understand that. I find it easy to cope with when I let little things go and spend positive time doing things together as I see all the positives she has too, it is so easy to feel like we have to sort everything or they'll just get worse. But often it's just a phase

steppemum · 14/05/2018 12:11

Your kids have a close relationship with their GP and their GP like to spoil them/treat them. That is not a negative thing, and would be my starting place.

How about coming up with things that the GP CAN do to 'spoil' them, suggest they get 'tickets' each time they are with GP and when they have a few, they get to go to the cinema, or bowling or something with GP. That allows Gp to give them things but as a stepping stone for something they can treat them with.

Or do that with your stickers, put them towards an activity, rather than a toy.
I would try and get away from her asking you if they have been good. The issue is surely, were you good at GPs house? Lovely well done girls.

KurriKurri · 14/05/2018 12:20

Can she put her things in your box for them to choose when they've earned enough stickers ?
It's interesting that you call your cheap toys 'cheap and cheerful' but call hers 'crap'.

When she says 'have they been good Mum' just say 'no they haven't, so toys will have to wait for another day I'm afraid'

Then have a word with her about what you are trying to achieve and ask her not to get them things and be firm about it.

I don't think her buying them stuff will actually undermine what you are doing - kids are canny enough to understand that home is home and granny's is Granny's and they are different.

But if you feel it is then have a proper converstaion with her about it when the kids are not around, but make a compromise ask her not to spend more than a certain amount ask that she gives the toys to you to put in their reward box, tell her you don't have room for more toys so can't accept anything ( I know you say youhave told her, but I think it needs to be a proper sit down convo.)

And listen to her side too and be prepared for a compromise - ultimately a kind generous loving Granny is a good thing, don;t spoil that relationship, allow her some leeway with gift giving. Say once a month instead of every weekend or whatever you think is appropriate, but don't ban it all together.

abbsisspartacus · 14/05/2018 12:23

I used to buy my son match attack cards if he did well on his spellings on a Friday he saw his dad at nanny and grandad house on the Thursday they used to buy him loads I asked them to stop they did but bought loads of sweets instead I told them I had given up on the Friday reward and they could go back to the healthier stickers they didn't really want to as there is no point if I'm not buying them too

jusdepamplemousse · 14/05/2018 12:27

Honestly OP I get where you are coming from but you sound like you are being a but OTT and unreasonable. Grandparents love to spoil kids. Is the relationship good otherwise? Is it worth falling out?

Can you make your rewards experiences rather than stuff? Swimming, rent a film, wall climbing, cinema, out for a bun, whatever? Just an idea. Agree all the plastic crap is depressing but if you buy it too....

And getting an average 5 OR 9 year old to genuinely give a crap about their room being tidy is a bit unrealistic, surely you must know this?

MyDcAreMarvel · 14/05/2018 12:30

It is not your dc grandparents responsibility to teach them how to spell. Don’t be so nasty.

Pengggwn · 14/05/2018 12:31

I stopped when you started complaining about the spelling mistakes. She's her grandparent, not her English teacher

BertrandRussell · 14/05/2018 12:32

You lost me when you were nasty about the spelling mistakes......,

AmazingPostVoices · 14/05/2018 12:37

When we started giving the D.C. pocket money when they were younger the PIL decided they would too (without any discussion with us).

And they started giving them double what we were giving them.

The kids pocket money from us was also meant to be a recognition that they had done xyz tasks that week so being handed double the amount for no reason at all rather negated our aim.

DH asked them politely but firmly to stop. They weren’t very pleased but did stop.

Aridane · 14/05/2018 12:38

Oh bless her, she can't do right for doing wrong. She buys them stuff, as grandparents do, and when you say she's undermining your sticker stuff, she tries to join in and you don't like that.

Lethaldrizzle · 14/05/2018 12:38

Gps buying them crap is separate to the rewards chart. I wouldn't worry about it

BertrandRussell · 14/05/2018 12:40

Going out on a limb here- but is this your children's paternal grandmother?

spontaneousgiventime · 14/05/2018 12:40

I was guilty of this when my first DGC was born. I was so excited and proud I went overboard. Not so bad when he was a baby but as he was growing up and his mum and dad were trying to teach him things I probably didn't help. His mum took me aside and basically told me to stop as I wasn't helping what they were doing. As DGC is not my child I did as his mum asked. I do think as grandparents we can get a bit silly but we also need to know when to back off and listen to our DC when they want to parent their child. I now check with his mum and dad about gifts and I also didn't go overboard when my other grandchildren were born. It's made the relationship with my DC and DCinlaw much better as they know they can tell me to back off and I will. I'm allowed to give gifts for special occasions and I pop pocket money into their accounts where they can save for things they want. I think it works really well, all sides happy and no bad feelings within the family.

OP, tell Gran the children are yours, ask her how she would have felt if someone had undermined her parenting when her children were small. It's sometimes difficult to not spoil our grandchildren but it's vital we respect the parents.

JessicaJonesJacket · 14/05/2018 12:43

Tbh it sounds as though you're frustrated with your 5-yr-old and turning that on to your DMIL instead.
She isn't buying them rewards. She's buying them toys/gifts but because you have made a fuss about your reward system, she feels she needs to check with you if they have been 'good' before giving her gifts. As a PP said, separate them out. If she asks how they have been just say 'oh the reward chart system is still a work in progress but your gifts aren't connected to their behaviour. They're just because you're their granny!'
As for your comment about her spelling, you're just being unnecessarily rude.

FATEdestiny · 14/05/2018 12:45

It's interesting that you call your cheap toys 'cheap and cheerful' but call hers 'crap'.

This.

My 3 1/2 year old get massively excited about LOL stuff, and similar. Far more so that £2 tat. I'm not suprised the kids are upset you won't let Grandma's toys come home. You sound mean.

LaurieMarlow · 14/05/2018 12:55

You can't see the wood for the trees here.

Your kids have a loving granny who clearly cares about them, wants to spend time with them, tries to get involved in your rewards scheme and all you seem interested in is cutting her down. The comment about the email is downright nasty.

Just let her be. I agree with other posters that your rewards could be more experiential. Maybe gently encourage her down that route too, but she isn't doing anything wrong.

auntyflonono · 14/05/2018 13:02

Could you suggest she subscribes to a children's magazine instead, Aquilla or Beano or something similar? Have them delivered to her house so she can give them to the children. Limits it to once a month!

auntyflonono · 14/05/2018 13:04

Also you could involve her - Granny will take you for ice cream when you get to ten stars! No Granny, not until ten stars! Tinkley laugh.

Buglife · 14/05/2018 13:11

I think this is an issue when you turn everything that’s a treat or a gift into a ‘reward’ and connect it with behaviour. If someone else gta DS something I don’t want it to be an issue, people are so kind. Also if he goes to a birthday party and gets a party bag or it’s at somewhere he loves going, I don’t want it to be connected with how he’s acted! I actually dislike it when we start to slide into this behaviour with DS, it’s easy to do to say “you can’t have x until you do x” and “we won’t be going to x day out because you are being naughty,
You have to be good and do x until you can go” becaise on the whole his behaviour gets worse when we start to threaten and reward like that, it’s as if he doesn’t understand how to regulate his own behaviour and is always on edge thinking about what he’s supposed to be working towards. He is a bit younger, nearly 4, but I honestly don’t like it when we do that so make an effort to concentrate on teaching him how his behaviour makes us feel and how it’s not acceptable I.e. messing about at bed means he’ll be very tired and we won’t be able to get on with what we need to do, that lying down and sleeping will be nice and we can have a cuddle, that shouting and screaming at us is not nice and it is upsetting etc. I wouldn’t expect my parents (or my in laws really, they don’t tend to be big gift givers when they see DS though so it hasn’t been an issue) to have to be in on elaborate plans to regulated behaviour, frankly they’ve done all that before and just want to have fun. I do expect them to stop him behaving in a way we would find unacceptable so throwing, shouting and whinging for things gets checked. My Mam is great for saying “no, Grandma does NOT get whinged at. I don’t do whinging!” And he stops for her!

The picking up on her spelling is just nasty by the way.

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