I have two DDs, 9 and 5. The 5 year old is very challenging. In order to try to make especially bedtimes and school mornings less of a nightmare we have a reward chart – once they get to the top (by being cooperative, nice to each other, not screaming, getting out of the house without a fuss, going to sleep at a reasonable time Etc. Etc.) they get a sticker, when they get 10 stickers they get to choose something from my box of mostly cheap and cheerful things. The things in there range in cost from 50p to about a fiver but most are about £2/3.
Their grandma loves to buy them crap. I can understand that but it’s unhelpful. She knows we have no space and usually when she gets them more crap it stays at her house. I’m made to feel like the bad guy every time but it’s a given now: crap grandma gives them stays at grandma's. It doesn’t stop them asking to bring it home, though, and then I’m the bad guy again.
She’ll get them stuff and say “have they been good, mum?”.
Well actually, no, they bloody haven’t. The 5 year old is a daily struggle and I really don’t think showering her with lots more plastic crap for no reason other than grandma enjoys giving them stuff is helping. The 9 year old is generally pretty ‘good’ most days, but by giving to one but not the other, more problems are created.
The last time she bought them something, LOL dolls, I explained the chart situation and that giving them stuff all the time is not helping, and also that she's undermining what I am trying to achieve here. She appears to be going along with it, but not really. Because she’s still buying them crap! I just read an email she sent to my eldest to say she’ll buy her some more LOL dolls for when she gets her stickers. FFS.
(The email was riddled with spelling mistakes too which is another AIBU, I encouraged my daughter to write emails to family and friends as a more fun way to practice spelling and receiving replies from adults with typos is not helpful!)
By giving my kids these ‘rewards’ she’s devaluing what I can/want to give them, and it causes more problems because they still want the excitement of choosing something from the box but still want the damn LOL doll too. (They cost between £5-£10 each for anyone who’s not familiar with them.)
She spoils them rotten at birthdays and Christmas, is it unreasonable to ask that she just stops buying them stuff every weekend too?! Not that it would do any good, as I have, and she doesn’t. I feel mean making them leave their crap there but we have no space to keep all this stuff. She does tend to buy them small (in size) stuff so is trying to be considerate of this but it’s still unhelpful due to the fact that we could have all the storage in the world and their rooms would still be a mess. It’s normal for their room to be an utter mess again the day after tidying it. They do not care. I periodically take toys away as they refuse to tidy them up, they have so much that they don’t notice or care.
But it’s the current interference (or if I was being kinder – her trying to participate/help) with our reward chart that is annoying me. It’s not her place, she doesn’t have to deal with the difficulties on a daily basis, or have to battle with them to pick up all the dangerous hard plastic crap they leave on their floor every day. So please stop giving them stuff so they might have more of an incentive to 'earn' stuff by being nicer at home!
I don’t really like the whole reward and punishment thing, I know long term it won’t create changes, but I’m at a loss with my 5 year old’s behaviour at the moment and this helps a bit, it also helps me to see the day as a whole rather than concentrate on the impossible ‘now’ when she’s being very challenging.