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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel resentment over this

73 replies

brightlighthouse · 14/05/2018 11:03

My husband works shifts. He gets them done about a month in advance and he never gets a Monday off and it's very rare. I've made an observation that his manager favourites him and only trusts him to do the 'bigger tasks' and Monday's is the day where 'all the main things happen' and Wednesdays as wel which he's also mostly working. So today (Monday) he actually got it off and I was looking forward to spending the day with him because i was alone all Weekend with the kids. Then last minute yesterday he tells me his manager has changed his shifts so he's not working today until 21:00. But he's now off Wednesday. I feel resentful that I'm now stuck with a toddler and work comes first again. Every time she asks him to change a shift he always tries to do it like she's more important. I've noticed that this Wednesday Is am 'easy' day at his work so all the other staff get he easy parts. I'm sick of it. I feel resentful that we can't make plans because his shifts can change all the time and I feel resentful. I'm starting to hate him.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightlighthouse · 14/05/2018 11:04
  • now
OP posts:
useruserbored · 14/05/2018 11:04

Have you told him that you feel this way?

Original poster
brightlighthouse · 14/05/2018 11:05

Yes I have but he says I'm trying to cause an argument and I should just deal with it

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2018 11:10

I don't quite understand. He's got all day off today but has to go in at 21.00? So you've got him at home all day and when children are in bed he'll go to work Then he's got Wednesday off? Why is that a problem? I must be misunderstanding something.

Original poster
brightlighthouse · 14/05/2018 11:11

@Singlenotsingle sorry I wrote it incorrect. He was supposed to be off today but now has to go today from 11-21:00 because his manager wants him in now. Which ruins our day

OP posts:
Rania1 · 14/05/2018 11:12

I know it's hard with a toddler OP and you crave another adult being around, but this is just the nature of shift work, I think - that people need to be flexible if that's the culture of that organisation?

It's a lovely day today. Do you not have a support network if other mums you can get out and about with?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/05/2018 11:13

Why were you alone all weekend op?

Original poster
brightlighthouse · 14/05/2018 11:16

@ZeroFuchsGiven because he was working. He did a night shift on Saturday starting 10!up to 23:00 ( he gets to sleep though) and he had to work later on the Sunday till 12:00 instead of 10 because someone couldn't come in. So I was looking forward to today until he told me yesterday he had to work. Just sick of looking forward to his days off when they just change

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 14/05/2018 11:26

Unfortunately it's just life, hopefully it'll level out over time.

I think you're being unfair though 'hating' him because of his superiors choices. He works, so I presume he's supporting his family?

ZeroFuchsGiven · 14/05/2018 11:28

Would you prefer if he didn't have a job? Confused

Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2018 11:32

If he was in the forces he would be away for weeks or even months at a time

ReanimatedSGB · 14/05/2018 11:34

It's annoying when plans change, especially if a manager is either careless or showing favouritism (or thinks that a particular employee is a mug who will always jump to obey). But presumably you need your H's wages coming in.
Is there a bigger picture of you feeling taken for granted, though? Does he use his shift patterns as a way of avoiding any of the household tasks or childcare that he doesn't feel like doing? Does he have a hobby, which his work shift patterns somehow always accomodate?

BlueJava · 14/05/2018 11:35

I understand your point about being on your own with kids OP, but it's not like he will be prioritising his boss over you. He is probably just trying to work hard and ensure he stays in a job! My mate's husbands always gets the "difficult" jobs at work, but actually that means in a bad situation he'll probably be last out the door if there were redundancies which is a good thing.

Original poster
brightlighthouse · 14/05/2018 11:44

@Singlenotsingle but I wouldn't marry someone who works in the forces so wouldn't apply to me. That's a choice a wife makes, if she's happy to not get help from the husband for months at a time that's her choice. I don't have any family support so I'm basically on my own

OP posts:
Shiftymake · 14/05/2018 11:49

10-23=day+evening shift, 22-11= night+morning shift, regardless those are very long shifts(was confusing sorry)! And I would be annoyed as well but understand the "say yes to work" as that is a well embedded mentality within my family. Shift work all over the place and if everyone was at a family event it was seen as a rare treat. The reason being, it's the job that feeds the family, puts the roof over the heads and clothes on the body. Sadly it does mean missing out on things and days off are where ever they can be slotted in, with the risk of having to switch.

Duprasi · 14/05/2018 11:51

I know how you feel Dh job is on the water he can't have days off April through October unless the weather's bad enough they can't launch and we won't find out till 8-9 am that day even then they might just do maintenance so checking the weather won't help and don't get me stated on when he'll get home so I can sort dinner or go to work myself

So many people don't seem to understand we can't make plans ahead of time or have to cancel,l

Would he be willing to say no to shift changes every so often or could that cause problems?

RedSkyAtNight · 14/05/2018 11:52

But presumably if he works shifts (unless he does loads of overtime) if he's not free at weekends he gets days off during the week? Is Monday your only non-working day?

useruserbored · 14/05/2018 11:58

I think you need to sit him down to put some things in the diary as a couple, as a family and so you can get some time off whilst he looks after kids. Then perhaps you'd feel less resentment? X

Missingstreetlife · 14/05/2018 12:17

What does his contract say? It's not fair to never know, can he not work every Monday and have another predictable day off? If he is on casual hours not much you can do, but a proper job should be able to give some regularity, exception perhaps for sickness cover occasionally.
Had this in bar work, changing staff and crap manager, had to give it up

Likejellytots88 · 14/05/2018 12:19

I understand where you're coming from, my DP used to work away a lot (only home EOW for months sometimes) and I hated it because he worked for his dad so felt he couldn't say no but I was pregnant at the time so he missed a lot of appointments, first kicks and all that, eventually he told his dad he wouldn't be doing away job anymore unless asked and agreed to rather than DP just being told Sunday night he's got to go 8 hours away Monday morning.
Can your DH ask his manager for proper set shifts? And him not give in when he's asked to do extra/come in on a set day off?

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/05/2018 12:21

Sounds like our place. You can be booked on a day off but if someone rings in sick and you are first on the list to be called in - there you go. You can't really not go. It's the nature of this kind of job.

You can't help being upset, OP, and life at home with small children is boring as hell, but your DP needs to earn and to be seen as reliable. If it is a job like mine, which is NMW shiftwork, it's easy to replace you so you have to do whatever is offered or risk losing your job for being inflexible.

Snowysky20009 · 14/05/2018 12:28

It's annoying but you have to see the positive. My dp didn't see the positive of the extra work I was doing, working way more than my contracted hours, picking up slack for others etc. It caused endless rows. Fast forward a few years when I was put up for promotion, over the heads of those who had been there longer, had a lot more experience then me and were a lot older, because of all the effort I put in. I got the position, he then actually liked the extra 16k salarly I was bringing home, and could then see the benefit of how hard I had worked and why.
He's got a job. So many on here complain because their partners haven't. He's providing for you and your child. Don't criticise him for that.

OohMavis · 14/05/2018 12:31

It doesn't sound like a healthy work-life balance, and that's putting it mildly.

I've worked shifts like this and it is incredibly difficult to say no. I remember refusing to come in at short-notice because someone called in sick and I got cold-shouldered for a week.

It's not right. It's unfair. And the only way it stopped was changing jobs.

OohMavis · 14/05/2018 12:33

Does he enjoy what he does?

Original poster
brightlighthouse · 14/05/2018 12:36

I appreciate that he has a job but I'm resentful at the fact I'm expected to just get on with it and never having anything to look forward to. It's Boring at home and tedious, I don't drive and don't have family to help. I have my mum but she lives an hour away and shes useless anyway. I feel like I'm expected to just shut up and pick of the pieces at home and getting nothing back. I feel very under appreciated

OP posts:
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