To feel resentment over this

[brightlighthouse]

My husband works shifts. He gets them done about a month in advance and he never gets a Monday off and it's very rare. I've made an observation that his manager favourites him and only trusts him to do the 'bigger tasks' and Monday's is the day where 'all the main things happen' and Wednesdays as wel which he's also mostly working. So today (Monday) he actually got it off and I was looking forward to spending the day with him because i was alone all Weekend with the kids. Then last minute yesterday he tells me his manager has changed his shifts so he's not working today until 21:00. But he's now off Wednesday. I feel resentful that I'm now stuck with a toddler and work comes first again. Every time she asks him to change a shift he always tries to do it like she's more important. I've noticed that this Wednesday Is am 'easy' day at his work so all the other staff get he easy parts. I'm sick of it. I feel resentful that we can't make plans because his shifts can change all the time and I feel resentful. I'm starting to hate him.

@OohMavis he does enjoy what he does yes

Tell him that you feel under appreciated and need a breather! X

Ok. Do you work or are you all financially reliant on solely his job?

Does he not get time off at other times ie two days a week?

Has he changed job since you had the kids? Or did you have the kids knowing this was his work pattern?

To me it seems it's less about him working too much and more about the fact that you get zero time of your own.

My DH works long hours but we have equal downtime. It's so so important. Otherwise you end up feeling like maid/nanny/housekeeper all rolled into one without a day off in sight.

I think you have to make more of a life for yourself, activities with dc to meet other mums. Could you work p/t, or afford childcare so you can do a hobby or a course even once a week? Don't just sit at home and fester, get out and about if you can.
It is horrid to never have any family time, or only snatched fragments, but if it can't change don't be limited by it.
You might find if you change, other changes follow, if not at least you are in a better place

This is the reality of being a stay at home parent though. It is hard and relentless but it does have its positives.

You have the stability of not having to find childcare or miss work if the kids are unwell. You can watch them grow up and not miss out on milestones. You can keep on top of housework and shopping so family time isn't taken up with boring stuff.

You need to find things to do. Go to baby/toddler groups, meet up with friends, go to the park, swimming etc.

Enjoy the time you have now because you don't get it back. Don't waste it being negative and feeling sorry for yourself.

Your husband is working to provide for his family, how can you hate him because he has to change his shifts sometimes to suit the company? I note you think 'she's more important'. That's childish. Giving a reliable and flexible impression job may be more important to him as you never know how that may help you in future in the workplace. You can't blame his boss when she is more than likely just trying to rearrange working patterns to ensure work is completed.

It is important that you have time to yourself though so arrange for some time every week when he is at home to take yourself off and do
Something you enjoy.

Actually companies can’t keep changing shifts like this, you are allowed a life outside work

Rita patterns need to be in place so many weeks in advance, changes can’t be made without asking

yabu. He needs to work, you are at home on Wednesday anyway so can spend a day together then. Work is a necessity to pay the bills & must come before your need to have adult company. It's really not good to be so reliant on your partner that a shift change causes you such stress. He may well be rewarded for his enthusiasm and will to work when a promotion comes up or if he ever needed to take time off if you or the toddler were unwell as he has shown himself to be reliable.

@user1488397844 Im reliant on my partner because i don't have anyone else and I have no means of working due to cost of childcare and no family. I could work around him if his job wasn't so unpredictable

is your DH gearing up for a promotion op? If he's going above and beyond, is that because it's an investment? If it is, then it makes sense because the extra flexibility should pay off. If not, then he should say no more and make them see that they need to appreciate him more.

Your life, though, does sound unhappy. You sound stuck for DH to take you out. When do the nursery free hours kick in? Any prospects for moving somewhere less remote or learning to drive?

I'd be climbing the walls with boredom if I lived remotely with a toddler and no chances for interaction too - YANBU to be sad about being faced with another day on your own with your toddler, it sounds lonely.

My dh is in the Canadian Forces, he has been deployed since January. He's hoping to be home by the end of July. I live more than 1000km in any direction from our family.
I ķnow what I'm talking about when I say you have to make you own life. Live your own life fully, and slot him in when he's able to be there. Otherwise you will waste away your days waiting...alway waiting and feeling second place. That's no way to live.

I understand your frustrations. I have a toddler who I love dearly but I can honestly say that the day off I get a week - I work 4 days - is the hardest of all of them ( and I have a fairly demanding management level job)

It sounds like you need to make some large scale changes to your life to be happy and not be quite so reliant on your DP - after all he's shown that he's not exactly supportive of your current concerns.

It's not easy working around childcare I REALLY do get it but it is possible if you really want to. Do you qualify for the free hours for childcare? Would working make you happier - not necessarily for the extra cash, since most would be going to childcare but for the sake of your sanity and adult conversation!?

@shirking9to5 it is very lonely. I don't drive but my husband does. I can't afford to leave to drive either. I feel like over the years in seen my husband do different things, whilst I've been sat at home. I absolutely hate to fact that I'm expected to 'step up' at home. He's not up for a promotion, he said he would like to be manager one day but there's no point right now because he wouldn't get paid any extra at the moment for that. There is no where to go around where i live without having to get public transport and then have to rush back for the School run so I'm limited.

i don't drive either - i'd honestly think about some big changes - moving and/or getting a job you want to do, that interests you and would get you time away from the DC. I would hate to depend on my DH to go places, we'd end up arguing all the time about that - that's why we live in a city - I'm wondering why both of you moved you somewhere you'd be so cut off when you can't afford to learn?

If you lived somewhere more convenient you could get places and back for the school run .

So you're pretty much stuck in all the time with your toddler unless your DH is around? I feel so sorry for you. You need a new plan for your life where you don't depend on your DH.

I've made an observation that his manager favourites him and only trusts him to do the 'bigger tasks'

That doesn't sound like favouritism. It sounds like my work where only a couple of our student (temporary) employees can be trusted with certain tasks and the others are useless.

he said he would like to be manager one day but there's no point right now because he wouldn't get paid any extra at the moment for that.

Is it possible for a manager not to make more money than someone he manages?

firstly id say you need to sit down and really dig nito this with him.sharing how your feeling.
is there any earning potential you could or wan tto do from home.tpyist.editing.babysitter?
have you any friends.anything you love to do. start doing the things you can for you.the things that bring light to your own life.
any local friends.
surely you wouldn't have to rush too much if you have the time between school to go out and do something for yourself

Here is my take and its very drastic.
If your husband drops dead today or anytime, what would you do.
You would have to cope without any support.
I think you need to grow a spine and realize that he is out there working for his family.
If life is so bad, why not switch places with him, go to work and let him stay home withe baby.
If I was in your situation, what I would do is to make sure that the house is tidied, cook enough food to freeze, have enough supplies in the house.
On his day off, you then have the option to either stay home and relax or go some place for half a day. That way you would have him to yourself, without having to do other chores.
If the weather is good take the food and go have a picnic.

@Andylion yes because he's in a old contract that was originally with the NHS, now it's gone private he would lose a massive pay cut by being a manager

at the start, but presumably the manager's pay is on a new level and would progress? Actually I don't really care about your DH's job, have a good think about what changes could help your life.

You could badger your DH about his shifts, but if he's not stopped this so far, you're probably on a hiding to nothing. Think about some positive changes you could make for you.

Have you a shop, church, post office, pub anywhere near where you could put up a notice asking for interest in a coffee morning or playtime with other mums and children?
Try to get chatting with school mums, or volunteer to do something at school?

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 14-May-18 12:21:55

"Sounds like our place. You can be booked on a day off but if someone rings in sick and you are first on the list to be called in - there you go. You can't really not go. It's the nature of this kind of job"

I had this in the past I was having counselling at the time and had to keep cancelling appointments which were booked for my day off And hair appointments..................and then you have the employer moaning about their employees hair looking a state. Well no shit Sherlock I had to cancel it because you changed the day off with no notice Retail

YABU. He's the only earner so obviously needs to value his job and that means flexibility. How can you hate him when he is supporting you not working?

Part of the deal when not working is picking up the house and children so if you are resentful of that go back to work yourself and jointly pay childcare or swap and you become the sole earner.

ahhhhh you don't drive and you find your life tedious....
your problem not your dh who is working shift.
you need to get a life, part time or casual little work or volunteer to get you out and speaking with other adults.
you need to learn to drive or have other means to get around.

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn

I'm resentful because he doesn't do anything to support me going back to work. He wont help pay for childcare either. More to it than you think. I'm resentful because I'm stuck at home 24/7 with the kids and he does nothing to better out situation. His job isn't reliable so I can't go back to work knowing his shifts will change at the drop of a hat. I hate him because he leaves me to struggle. I pay for everything or of our child tax.. the food, the bills and council tax and electric and gas. All he pays is the rent, car finance and car insurance ( he needs the car for work) and then tells me he has no money after that so not as if he supports his family

again more to this than the shift work. honestly if he was around more would you really enjoy his company? sounds like the financial situation and struggles of children has ruined the relationship.