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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel resentment over this

73 replies

brightlighthouse · 14/05/2018 11:03

My husband works shifts. He gets them done about a month in advance and he never gets a Monday off and it's very rare. I've made an observation that his manager favourites him and only trusts him to do the 'bigger tasks' and Monday's is the day where 'all the main things happen' and Wednesdays as wel which he's also mostly working. So today (Monday) he actually got it off and I was looking forward to spending the day with him because i was alone all Weekend with the kids. Then last minute yesterday he tells me his manager has changed his shifts so he's not working today until 21:00. But he's now off Wednesday. I feel resentful that I'm now stuck with a toddler and work comes first again. Every time she asks him to change a shift he always tries to do it like she's more important. I've noticed that this Wednesday Is am 'easy' day at his work so all the other staff get he easy parts. I'm sick of it. I feel resentful that we can't make plans because his shifts can change all the time and I feel resentful. I'm starting to hate him.

OP posts:

TheOriginalEmu · 15/05/2018 19:27

I understand OP. My ex worked every weekend and ultimately it destroyed our relationship. we never got to do anything as a family really as the children were in school on his days off and then the weekends were me alone with 3 small children. it was depressing.
And yes, i understand it could have been worse, some people don't have a job some people work away etc etc. but i'm honestly happier as a single parent than as one in a relationship who was always alone.
He used to do things like agree to work on, or swap for other people or go in early all the time, and in the end it felt like he'd rather be anywhere other than at home and it hurt.

FASH84 · 15/05/2018 19:36

This isn't about his shift work you resent him and are unhappy about various parts of the relationship. You need to be sheet and have a plan of how you see things being different, this might include moving. Please try and be more assertive as you come across as a bit whiny and that won't help your cause

FASH84 · 15/05/2018 19:36

*straight not sheet

converseandjeans · 15/05/2018 19:40

YABU to blame your husband because you can't drive and you're bored. You need to sort things out for yourself & be independent. As others have said you could always go back to work and let him stay home with the kids. I find it hard to believe that there are no jobs you can do in your area.

SciFiFan2015 · 15/05/2018 19:44

That's a lot you pay with the child tax (do you mean child tax credits plus child benefit?). Your frustration is obvious. The solution, unfortunately, must come from you. How is also up to you. People often talk about doing an SOA (statement of affairs) to sort out finances. I think we need to develop a version that allows people to do the same for relationships!

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 15/05/2018 19:44

You could change the situation rather than just whine about it.

Move closer to a town, get a job (given you get so much in benefits then you will qualify for childcare payments), leave and self support etc. Blaming him solves nothing.

HelenaDove · 15/05/2018 19:48

LET him stay at home with the kids? You do realize it involves more than letting right? That he has to agree first.

Original poster

brightlighthouse · 15/05/2018 19:54

He won't stay at home with the kids. He will lose a lot of his social life if he did and he wouldnt like that I just can't rely on him to be there when childcare goes wrong or when needed. I would move but I don't have money for a deposit, Admin frees and rent up front. Not as easy as you think. There are no jobs in my area that I can do around my children. I've applied for loads and don't get a response

OP posts:

PlumsGalore · 15/05/2018 20:02

Don't mean to be mean but you sound resentful and needy. Get a full time job, learn to drive.

The one single thing I did, would do again and taught DD is never ever be dependent on a man. Financially, emotionally or physically.

Original poster

brightlighthouse · 15/05/2018 20:10

@PlumsGalore and where do you propose I get the £1000 plus to learn to drive? And then where do I get money for a new car and insurance and maintenance? And then pay for childcare all by myself whilst working full time?

OP posts:

Grasslands · 15/05/2018 20:33

Changing your situation won’t be easy.
Are you needing to upgrade your education? This might be a good time in your life to do so. Are you open to driving a scooter, electric assist bicycle or bicycle?
You need to discuss better financial equity. But the reality is you can’t get blood from stone if there really isn’t enough cash.

shirking9to5 · 15/05/2018 20:36

I’m wondering why you both moved somewhere that was so inconvenient for you and that left you so financially and emotionally dependent on him - he doesn’t sound terribly nice, no, as my dh would never have done that and I wouldn’t have agreed.

What would happen if you went to the council as you’d split and wanted to be housed in the nearest town?

Original poster

brightlighthouse · 15/05/2018 20:52

@shirking9to5 I applied to the council where my mum lives as at least then she could at least offer some support but the waiting lists are long and when I bid for a house 600 people bid for it and I'm no where top of the queue! But it would help me massively if I lived back to where I grew up

OP posts:

LakieLady · 15/05/2018 20:55

I hate him because he leaves me to struggle. I pay for everything or of our child tax.. the food, the bills and council tax and electric and gas. All he pays is the rent, car finance and car insurance ( he needs the car for work) and then tells me he has no money after that so not as if he supports his family

Wow, that's not on.

I think there are far bigger problems here than his shift patterns, OP. Have you checked online to see if you might be eligible for some housing benefit (although this might mean a shift from TCs to Universal Credit now)? It seems absurd that you have to pay all that from CTC/CB and he only earns enough for the rent and the car.

It would also be worth checking online to see if you would be better off financially if you worked and how much financial help you could get with childcare costs if you did.

I get that you're feeling very isolated, but it also sounds like your relationship isn't much of a partnership, tbh.

shirking9to5 · 15/05/2018 20:57

so you're in the queue - that's something. I'd be ringing them and seeing if there is anyway to get bumped up.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/05/2018 09:00

Whose idea was it to move to a place that leaves you so isolated? His, by any chance? And where does the money come from for this social life of his?

I wonder if the problem is that your H is abusive - at least in the sense that he wants you trapped at home and completely dependent on him.

shirking9to5 · 16/05/2018 10:27

Also wondering the same because I can’t for the life of me see why if you can’t drive, can’t afford to learn and are cut off from an easily accessible network that any nice person would think this was a good idea for you or your dc.

SciFiFan2015 · 16/05/2018 14:51

Think these images might be enlightening

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2018 18:07

Op, you have one kid who is a toddler? She will get her 30 free hours soon? You could work then? Pay additional hours and you could be working full time?

You do sound like you think it's all his fault. I assume it was a joint decision to live where you are, to have a child? Thay you have a personal responsibility in this?

What sort of work can you do? What did you do before you had your child? She's only little so won't have been that long ago?

Original poster

brightlighthouse · 16/05/2018 19:05

@Bluntness100 we have more than one child. It is all his fault, as a man he should have supported his wife to go back to work, to go back to study but he never has. I think he's sees me as 'separate' to him so It's not his responsibility. If we spilt up he wouldn't pay maintenance because he wouldn't want money going to me and said he would just buy the kids stuff if we split

OP posts:

Grasslands · 16/05/2018 19:30

It doesn’t sound like the relationship will survive. I’m sorry OP, can you move in with your mother?

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2018 19:46

That's not how it works op, legally he has to pay maintenance and the csa would ensure it happens.

jeezeypeeps · 16/05/2018 20:20

What does he bring to the relationship or family other than some £? Op this sounds really shit. I really feel for you x

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