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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To believe this friend is a user ?

104 replies

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 06:49

I have had this friend for nearly 2 years now and at first she was just part of a group where we met once a week. About a year ago we became more like best friends and at first it was lovely, wine nights, nights out, days out, meals out etc but then things changed. I can't exactly put fingers on when but here goes.

Her dh works long shifts and he earns enough to support them both but she insited she needed to get a job to get money (he won't share his, it's a weird set up) so before she got this job she mentioned that she would need me to babysit for 2-3 hours 3 evenings a week or whenever her other sitter wasn't available. Tbf i did say i would and she has been a good friend to me.

Anyway those 3 days turned into 4, then 5 & in the end it became a struggle & her dd became very bad behaved and started throwing things, not sharing with my dc and emptying all the toyboxes in my home. I said that i can't do wednesdays anymore and she was fine with this but in the end even 3 days was enough for me and i have slowly made my excuses but now she has another job and is starting to pile pressure upon me again, droning on and on about how she works (im a sahm) and how i only have to do Monday's.

Also in the last 5 months or so whilst i have a lot of my own crap going on she never asks how i am, it's always to ring up to see if i can babysit. She has started to show me up in front friends, blatantly taking the piss out of me but doing it in a giggly way. She has also made digs infront of friends i only babysit one day a week and how life is so hard for herHmm (she does 12 hours a week)
Then theres the meals where she forgets her purse or drones on about having no money and i end up paying. She then promises to pay for a future meal etc but never does.

All she talks about these days is herself and when she got some cash of her dh a few weeks ago (a rarity) she bragged about it to the whole group and not once thought to buy me a cuppa or lunch just bragging about how she was going to get new clothes. On this particular day she made a complete spectacle of me, but i laughed it off not wanting to go down to her level.

In recent weeks she has rang me around 3 times all about, will i babysit, and now ive got to the point i think i'm going to not answer the phone or be in on Monday (tonight)when she turns up with her dd because i'm fed up with being taken for a complete mug and i believe it's her turn to feel like me.

I have 4dc off my own, one with special needs and having her dd on top of this is a struggle. She is also talking about having another dc and expecting me to babysit for that one too in the future (which ive said no to by the way). But all i get it is "it will only be a couple of hours" Confused
Then one evening she also rang me to try and land him on me the following day and when i said a straight no, sorry i'm busy etc she retaliated with telling me in no uncertain terms that she knows i'll be home so why can't i do it. She just kept on haranging me. She also booked overtime this saturday before even asking me expecting me to have him for 2 hours that evening, ringing me at 9pm saying she as overtime and she knows i'm home. I got peeved and said no i cannot do it and made some crap up about not being in, she then went into a 10 minute chat about how is going to struggle to find someone & asked me what i'm doing this evening inwhich i said lying on the sofa, her response was that i'm a lady of leisure and was laughing to her partner in the background😡

I'm a single parent (sahm) of whom has recently got out of a rocky relationship that ended in violence & i may be losing my home soon and i just don't need this anymore. I don't want to lose the group of friends we are part off and i'm not sure of how to phase this friend out. Aibu to want this friend out of my life?? And any tips on how to phase out and put a stop to this tia x

OP posts:
Ginmakesitallok · 14/05/2018 06:53

You need to stand up for yourself! Tell her it's not working for you and you can't do it any more.

zigzagbetty · 14/05/2018 06:54

"Sorry that doesnt work for me" is always a good line. If it was me I would be cutting her out of my life as this "friendship" seems to be all one way. Life is too short to have cf people in it!

blueskyinmarch · 14/05/2018 06:54

She is not a friend. She is taking advantage of you. I am assuming you receive nothing in exchange for babysitting? She has cultivated you for this very purpose and now she thinks you are her won private free childcare. You need to tell her you can't do it anymore. Full stop.

Angrybird345 · 14/05/2018 06:55

What a bitch she is! And a CF! What do other people say when she is talking to you so badly? Sorry, no useful advice on how to handle her. Don’t feel bad for saying no to her though.

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 06:57

I have tried the "it isn't working for me" and i get back that she works and i'm at home. It's so frustrating. She has tried to palm her dd off on other people but they have the same struggles with the child as quite simply she is bad behaved. When the other sitters have told her she has disowned them so i'm expecting that for myself but just don't want to lose the group we have.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/05/2018 06:58

I don’t think you should attempt to cut her off entirely. I think I would tell her that you’re not available to babysit for at least the next three months because you need to focus on your own family. It’s not your responsibility to provide her childcare.

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 06:59

I recieve nothing for babysitting, no money but i don't expect payment. Nothing in kind though, no flowers or thankyou notes, no drink or anything and tbh i think it's rude i have had no token of appreication at all. She even turns up to our group empty handed, no food to the table or anything and everyone else contributes

OP posts:
MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 06:59

My friends are to grown up to say anything but there eyes have rolled on several occasions

OP posts:
Angrybird345 · 14/05/2018 07:02

Your friends are too grown up to say anything??? No, they aren’t friends! A real friend would at least say “hold on a sec, going too far.”

Shedmicehugh1 · 14/05/2018 07:03

How many kids do you babysit for? Bit confused you said her dd, then go on to speak about a him.

Would you mind if she paid you? Its not babysitting, it’s childcare!

Or just say you cannot do it anymore?

PlumsGalore · 14/05/2018 07:05

The fact you have four children if your own is sufficient excuse not to have hers. "Im sorry CF but I really can't have your DC anymore from next week as I am struggling to cope with my own and you need to sort out proper paid childcare"

SecretStash · 14/05/2018 07:06

Ok to take a lot of unneeded words out of the OP - the friend is in a controlling relationship with kids and she has zero money.
She works a poxy 12 hours a week and has to survive on the pittance that it gives her. Therefore can’t afford ‘normal’ childcare.

She sounds absolutely desperate, and not handling it too great and you’re taking the brunt of it.

Yes you are suffering, but can you try and see it all from her perspective?

Say you can’t help her with childcare but offer to help her other ways.
Ways of getting free childcare, or citizens advice or getting out of her controlling marriage.

Also it’s not a ‘weird set up’ he’s a controlling bastard.

Jesuisleloup · 14/05/2018 07:09

Get rid . She isn’t a friend and you know it

Monkeypuzzle32 · 14/05/2018 07:09

She's no friend, don't try and reason with her-just dump her

Movablefeast · 14/05/2018 07:11

This is crazy! So you are providing hours and hours of free childcare, effectively subsidizing her lifestyle and she is now being rude?!!

Just tell her you are no longer watching her dd. End of. No explanations or excuses necessary.

GeordieGirl233 · 14/05/2018 07:13

Bloody hell why do you even care what she thinks she sounds absolutely vile. Tell her straight - FUCK OFF!

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 07:14

I agree secretstash and i was willing to help her to a certain extent but lately she is just taking liberties considering my own circumstances. I have been where she is but much worse but even then i lent a hand back etc. I am getting zero back from her, not even a listening ear. I go round to see her and she plays on her phone hardly taking in what i'm saying. It is always about her prediciments, she not once asks how i am or how my children are and for a while i supported her but i realise now i deserve better as friendship should be a two way thing.

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 14/05/2018 07:18

Is her DH the child’s father? Are they actually married?

Homebird8 · 14/05/2018 07:20

Actually scratch that about married. They live together not just stay over with each other?

lhastingsmua · 14/05/2018 07:20

Your friendship with her is already over as she doesn’t respect you, so stop worrying about the larger friendship group dynamic. It’s not worth putting up with this and then having the piss taken out of you when you do meet with the rest of the group - think about your self esteem

Tbh she probably faked the earlier friendship and closeness with you in an attempt to secure your nanny services- I wouldn’t put it past her. She clearly sees you as a babysitter rather than a friend

lhastingsmua · 14/05/2018 07:22

You need to distance yourself. Don’t instantly respond to texts, say no more often, don’t change your plans to fit her, don’t open the door if you’re not expecting her (tell kids not to either). Stop being so readily available

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 14/05/2018 07:24

Surely the rest of your group will see it from your perspective if you cool things down?

icelollycraving · 14/05/2018 07:25

Oh come on, stand up for yourself. It doesn’t sound like a friendship that benefits you in any way. I’m not talking financially, I’m talking in terms of having fun, it being mutually supportive.
Perhaps you should point out that she keeps belittling you. Her dd is hard work, the Apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree!
It all depends on if you want to keep this supposed friendship.
Also standing up for yourself or calling someone on shit behaviour is a good example to set your dc if they see her crap.

Wishfulmakeupping · 14/05/2018 07:28

Yes op do stand up for yourself.
It will feel awkward but you’re not the one being difficult she is.
I would call or text her and say ‘i hope you’ve been able to find someone else to look after your dd from now on. I know that I helped you out a lot before but I’m not able to carry that on now’
Cheeky cow sounds like a complete user and not a nice person in general op

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 07:29

I agree i need to get rid off her and set an example. Going to stop answering calls and texts and start saying no should i see her

OP posts:
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