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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To believe this friend is a user ?

104 replies

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 06:49

I have had this friend for nearly 2 years now and at first she was just part of a group where we met once a week. About a year ago we became more like best friends and at first it was lovely, wine nights, nights out, days out, meals out etc but then things changed. I can't exactly put fingers on when but here goes.

Her dh works long shifts and he earns enough to support them both but she insited she needed to get a job to get money (he won't share his, it's a weird set up) so before she got this job she mentioned that she would need me to babysit for 2-3 hours 3 evenings a week or whenever her other sitter wasn't available. Tbf i did say i would and she has been a good friend to me.

Anyway those 3 days turned into 4, then 5 & in the end it became a struggle & her dd became very bad behaved and started throwing things, not sharing with my dc and emptying all the toyboxes in my home. I said that i can't do wednesdays anymore and she was fine with this but in the end even 3 days was enough for me and i have slowly made my excuses but now she has another job and is starting to pile pressure upon me again, droning on and on about how she works (im a sahm) and how i only have to do Monday's.

Also in the last 5 months or so whilst i have a lot of my own crap going on she never asks how i am, it's always to ring up to see if i can babysit. She has started to show me up in front friends, blatantly taking the piss out of me but doing it in a giggly way. She has also made digs infront of friends i only babysit one day a week and how life is so hard for her (she does 12 hours a week)
Then theres the meals where she forgets her purse or drones on about having no money and i end up paying. She then promises to pay for a future meal etc but never does.

All she talks about these days is herself and when she got some cash of her dh a few weeks ago (a rarity) she bragged about it to the whole group and not once thought to buy me a cuppa or lunch just bragging about how she was going to get new clothes. On this particular day she made a complete spectacle of me, but i laughed it off not wanting to go down to her level.

In recent weeks she has rang me around 3 times all about, will i babysit, and now ive got to the point i think i'm going to not answer the phone or be in on Monday (tonight)when she turns up with her dd because i'm fed up with being taken for a complete mug and i believe it's her turn to feel like me.

I have 4dc off my own, one with special needs and having her dd on top of this is a struggle. She is also talking about having another dc and expecting me to babysit for that one too in the future (which ive said no to by the way). But all i get it is "it will only be a couple of hours"
Then one evening she also rang me to try and land him on me the following day and when i said a straight no, sorry i'm busy etc she retaliated with telling me in no uncertain terms that she knows i'll be home so why can't i do it. She just kept on haranging me. She also booked overtime this saturday before even asking me expecting me to have him for 2 hours that evening, ringing me at 9pm saying she as overtime and she knows i'm home. I got peeved and said no i cannot do it and made some crap up about not being in, she then went into a 10 minute chat about how is going to struggle to find someone & asked me what i'm doing this evening inwhich i said lying on the sofa, her response was that i'm a lady of leisure and was laughing to her partner in the background😡

I'm a single parent (sahm) of whom has recently got out of a rocky relationship that ended in violence & i may be losing my home soon and i just don't need this anymore. I don't want to lose the group of friends we are part off and i'm not sure of how to phase this friend out. Aibu to want this friend out of my life?? And any tips on how to phase out and put a stop to this tia x

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 14/05/2018 07:31

I think you could be honest with her:

she puts you down in front of friends
she doesn’t listen to you and you have your own stuff going on
she expects you to help, like you’re her staff rather than a friend doing a huge favour (and you can use the example of not taking no for an answer when she asks as part of that)
it’s difficult for you
and most important, you just don’t want to do it anymore so you won’t.

Then just keep repeating, “I’ve said no” on repeat like a broken record whatever she says (this will work even without the home truths above).

disappearingninepatch · 14/05/2018 07:33

I have tried the "it isn't working for me" and i get back that she works and i'm at home.

You may be at home that doesn't mean that you are available to babysit her child 24/7. She (the child) is not your responsibility.

KeiTeNgeNge · 14/05/2018 07:35

Good luck. I think she'll put up a fight to keep you (or your babysitting services) though.

Original poster

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 07:36

Chasedbybees i'm getting to that point tbh as a normal person wouldn't ask questions when the other has said no. I hate confrontation and she knows it so maybe she is thriving on knowing this. I also get calls saying shes bored and can we spend the day together when she has a day off as everyone else is busy.

OP posts:

sonjadog · 14/05/2018 07:36

I think you will have to end the friendship tbh. She isn't going to just back off. She will probably be very unpleasant when you say no. So be prepared for that. But in the long run, I think you will be glad to get her out of your life.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 14/05/2018 07:37

You have 4 children. You have your own life that you need to prioritise. This much dumped on childcare impacts on all your family.
Just say no. You don’t need to give her a reason and tell her that.

Contrabassista · 14/05/2018 07:37

Humiliating you in front of other friends, ignoring you and laughing at you with her partner is not a friendship. Cut her out. You’ll feel a lot better, promise. You’ve got enough on your plate- you don’t need this leech. She has taken advantage. There’s not even a friendship to salvage. She’ll carry on trying to use you even if you do stand up for yourself. You won’t miss her! She sounds vile.

Original poster

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 07:41

I'm starting to realise that she is a leech, i must attract them. Had a similar friend years ago of whom i orchestrated an argument with to get her out of my life.

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/05/2018 07:43

She isn't a friend, she's a blatant user, drop her like a hot potato !
Send her a text message, tell her that you will no longer be minding her child, as it isn't working out, you have enough on your plate. You have tried to tell her, but though she hears you, she chooses not to listen.
Ask her not to bring this up again, as a refusal will more than likely offend.Mystic.
You only need to do this once .... you owe her nothing.🌸

DevilsDoorbell · 14/05/2018 07:43

Start being busy. When she keeps going on tell her she’s asked the question and you’ve answered, your answer isn’t going to change.

Hissy · 14/05/2018 07:48

All valid points...

But this woman is totally ungrateful and in denial about her dc behaviour

Just because she’s married to an abuser doesn’t mean she has no need for manners or gratitude

In a single parent, I’m always pitifully grateful if anyone helps.

FookMeFookYou · 14/05/2018 07:50

Christ OP stand up for yourself! You owe this leech nothing. Tell her in no uncertain terms that your 'friendship' is over and not to contact you anymore. Life is too short to have ppl like this hanging around you. Concentrate on yourself and your children - you are nobody's doormat

QueenOfMyWorld · 14/05/2018 07:51

It's clear she is in a controlling relationship BUT people can only treat you how you allow them to.Just say no I won't be babysitting for you anymore,fall out with her if you need to but put you and your dc first

Appuskidu · 14/05/2018 07:56

You have 4 children of your own (one with SN) and are a single parent but are babysitting hers for 3-5 evenings a week? Where-at her house with all of yours?! Or at yours?!

This is pure madness and she sounds awful. She is taking advantage of the fact that you seem to really need this friendship group. I would rather have no friends than her-tell her to fuck off.

IceSwan · 14/05/2018 07:56

Why would you want to keep her? She's not interested in you, your life or anything you're doing??????? Honestly I'd block her and tape the letterbox shut so she can't try and look or talk through it

MightyMucks · 14/05/2018 07:57

I agree with secretstash, I also think you both sound as bad as each other.

The thing is, she did actually take this job because you had agreed to act as childcare. That has changed, but you are not being clear about how the situation stands and that is very unfair on your friend as it sounds like she may depend on that work for basic necessities.

Tell her outright you are no longer sitting and she needs to make alternative arrangements. What you’re currently doing of making up excuses or hiding from her is silly and unfair. Just tell her outright you’re not sitting anymore as it is not convenient for you and you’re not entering into any further discussion.

Agreeing to do it then hiding is childish and unfair because it does seem like this woman is acting out of desperation because she is being abused rather than just being cheeky.

I have to say this is a really weird post. Although this woman isn’t behaving very well she’s also clearly being abused but you’re so dismissive of that like it’s perfectly normal and only really significant as an inconvenience to you. You seem incredibly unconcerned about the abuse side of this and almost seem to view it as something acceptable she shouldn’t make a fuss over. Very strange attitude and you really do sound as bad as each other as neither of you seems to be in the slightest bit bothered about the others welfare.

BrownTurkey · 14/05/2018 07:57

Tell her relationships are a two way street, and you feel a bit used. It’s not unkind to be truthful, and if she wants to build better relationships in future it might help.

Grenoble124 · 14/05/2018 07:57

I moved to a new town and was looking to make friends. Met a single mam and our babies were the same age. We got on well and she was going through a rough time. I drove and she didn't. I would drive us places, but lunches etc.

It then evolved into letting me down and only contacting me when she needed lifts or favours. I put up with it for a while but eventually had words. She basically said that yes she needed help, no support etc. I tried again but it was more of the same and I just withdrew gradually. Still say hello and am friendly but keep my distance. She was a user.

In your situation I would say no full stop. If she is no longee your friend then she never was. And if your other friends don't still see you they are not your friends.

megafemme · 14/05/2018 07:59

You need to grow some backbone OP - it's hard, I sympathise, but as long as you hold back from being straight with her, the longer this situation will continue.
Why don'tyou say 'this situation is making me profoundly unhappy and affecting me more than you realise' and see how she reacts?if she is concerned and enquires then perhaps you can come to some kind of compromise. If she shows no interest then you know she's a user and you need to ditch her asap.

Original poster

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 07:59

iceswan that made me giggle

OP posts:

cone · 14/05/2018 08:00

Try the broken record assertiveness technique. Say "I'm not able to babysit while you're at work." After each comment "but you'll be at home" etc. (and there will be a string of them) repeat "I'm not going to be babysitting for you any more". Don't enter into any other explanation, and don't give in. She may become annoyed, flounce off, insult you, but stand firm. Your wishes and needs are as important as hers.

Littleredboat · 14/05/2018 08:01

I would just keep repeating politely but firmly a no sentence. Think of a few and write them down, cycle through them over and over.

Sorry Linda, I’ve got plans
Sorry Linda, kids need me tonight
Sorry Linda, I’m exhausted.
Sorry Linda, I can’t do that date.
Etc etc.
(Obviously works best if her name is Linda )

Stay light and friendly but just keep repeating them. Eventually she’ll start ringing someone else.

Original poster

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 08:02

mightmucks it's not like that at all but the post would be extremley long if i went into that side of it. Thing is she wasn't here for me when i was going through domestic violence. Although i do feel sad for her it is financial abuse which i'm not dumbing down at all and i was happy to babysit the days requested until they turned into 3,4,5 days with no gratitude whatsover. Gratitude and thanks can still be made by people that are being abused

OP posts:

Original poster

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 08:10

littleboat that sounds like a great idea and atleast then hopefully no confrontation

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 14/05/2018 08:14

Gratitude and thanks can still be made by people that are being abused
Exactly. If she was appreciative of OP then OP wouldn't be feeling used. But friend is being a complete bitch. If you took the 'financial abuse' out of it then everyone would be unanimous in saying 'tell her to do one'.
Maybe her other half is tight with the money because she's a complete cow to him too and wastes it all on clothes? Maybe it's not so much financial control as him trying to rein her in? We don't know. But if she's a bitch to OP then I'd say she's probably not that great a person elsewhere.
Be honest with her OP - tell her that she takes the piss, treats you like crap and isn't a friend. Write it on an email or letter if that's easier. And cut her out of your life. You'll feel better and your kids will thank you too because they'll get you to themselves.

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