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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To believe this friend is a user ?

104 replies

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 06:49

I have had this friend for nearly 2 years now and at first she was just part of a group where we met once a week. About a year ago we became more like best friends and at first it was lovely, wine nights, nights out, days out, meals out etc but then things changed. I can't exactly put fingers on when but here goes.

Her dh works long shifts and he earns enough to support them both but she insited she needed to get a job to get money (he won't share his, it's a weird set up) so before she got this job she mentioned that she would need me to babysit for 2-3 hours 3 evenings a week or whenever her other sitter wasn't available. Tbf i did say i would and she has been a good friend to me.

Anyway those 3 days turned into 4, then 5 & in the end it became a struggle & her dd became very bad behaved and started throwing things, not sharing with my dc and emptying all the toyboxes in my home. I said that i can't do wednesdays anymore and she was fine with this but in the end even 3 days was enough for me and i have slowly made my excuses but now she has another job and is starting to pile pressure upon me again, droning on and on about how she works (im a sahm) and how i only have to do Monday's.

Also in the last 5 months or so whilst i have a lot of my own crap going on she never asks how i am, it's always to ring up to see if i can babysit. She has started to show me up in front friends, blatantly taking the piss out of me but doing it in a giggly way. She has also made digs infront of friends i only babysit one day a week and how life is so hard for herHmm (she does 12 hours a week)
Then theres the meals where she forgets her purse or drones on about having no money and i end up paying. She then promises to pay for a future meal etc but never does.

All she talks about these days is herself and when she got some cash of her dh a few weeks ago (a rarity) she bragged about it to the whole group and not once thought to buy me a cuppa or lunch just bragging about how she was going to get new clothes. On this particular day she made a complete spectacle of me, but i laughed it off not wanting to go down to her level.

In recent weeks she has rang me around 3 times all about, will i babysit, and now ive got to the point i think i'm going to not answer the phone or be in on Monday (tonight)when she turns up with her dd because i'm fed up with being taken for a complete mug and i believe it's her turn to feel like me.

I have 4dc off my own, one with special needs and having her dd on top of this is a struggle. She is also talking about having another dc and expecting me to babysit for that one too in the future (which ive said no to by the way). But all i get it is "it will only be a couple of hours" Confused
Then one evening she also rang me to try and land him on me the following day and when i said a straight no, sorry i'm busy etc she retaliated with telling me in no uncertain terms that she knows i'll be home so why can't i do it. She just kept on haranging me. She also booked overtime this saturday before even asking me expecting me to have him for 2 hours that evening, ringing me at 9pm saying she as overtime and she knows i'm home. I got peeved and said no i cannot do it and made some crap up about not being in, she then went into a 10 minute chat about how is going to struggle to find someone & asked me what i'm doing this evening inwhich i said lying on the sofa, her response was that i'm a lady of leisure and was laughing to her partner in the background😡

I'm a single parent (sahm) of whom has recently got out of a rocky relationship that ended in violence & i may be losing my home soon and i just don't need this anymore. I don't want to lose the group of friends we are part off and i'm not sure of how to phase this friend out. Aibu to want this friend out of my life?? And any tips on how to phase out and put a stop to this tia x

OP posts:
MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 08:16

He pays all the bills and she contributes to food

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/05/2018 08:18

Yes she is a user, a CF and not a good friend. I would dump her, tell her this is not working for me now. Does she pay you?

MysticFlyTrap · 14/05/2018 08:20

She doesn't pay me Aero but i wasn't expecting payment just some sort of gratitude and of late she just seems to want me for what she can get

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 14/05/2018 08:20

Keep saying no, stand up for yourself. She sounds awful😥😥

expatinscotland · 14/05/2018 08:21

Just keep telling her no if you can't grow a backbone, she's a user.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/05/2018 08:22

My goidness Mystic, what a user of the highest degree. Dump her, and tell her you will not babysit for anymore as it is not working anymore. Send her an invoice for all the babysitting you have done!

PinkDotsAndPurpleSpots · 14/05/2018 08:25

Sounds like she is in an abusive, controlling marriage.

I was too and I am now a single parent HOWEVER I NEVER ask for childcare unless in absolute desperation and am VERY grateful for anyone doing it for me.

Her abusive relationship does NOT excuse her behaviour towards you. You have shown more than enough willing to help and she is a CF taking the piss.

As for not being clear...who expects a friend, not even a family member, to take their child so often, even if they agreed at first? Its just not realistic UNLESS its a reciprocal child care arrangement. You would check in with that person to make sure all was okay, you would listen if they started saying 'no', not whinge on at them? Let alone take the piss out of them not just in front of abusive husband but in front of mutual friends? How disrespectful is that! And as for never paying for meals etc...let alone her own child's food. Also NEVER would I ask a friend with 4 children AND a single parent to look after my children unless it was volunteered by them and it was a one off.

I personally have had user friends like this and it seems because I'm a SAHM and a single parent its like you have a flashing neon sign over your head saying 'FREE CHILDCARE HERE'. I've had a number of 'friends' talk about 'reciprocal' childcare, only to find they are the beneficiary and I am the childcarer. Its just so bloody rude and entitled. Boils my piss.

Anyway...in my expert user in friendships opinion...there doesn't seem to be anything salvageable in this friendship? I have saved some friendships, there has been something in the friendship for me. However in this case she is just a user/taker/vampire. I too would go with 'that doesn't work for me' and list the reasons a PP said before if you feel brave enough to clearly let her know why you have stopped being her free childcare. Please stand up to her, being a doormat is not a good look. (I know because I have been that doormat).

BigPinkBall · 14/05/2018 08:27

she mentioned that she would need me to babysit for 2-3 hours 3 evenings a week or whenever her other sitter wasn't available.

You’re not an indentured servant for gods sake, just stop answering her calls/the door and she’ll soon find some other lackey to boss around.

BTW it’s perfectly ok to think ‘what’s in it for me?’ When entering into these kind of arrangements, I wouldn’t be agreeing to something like this because it could end up going on for years and what if you need a night off/want to go on holiday etc and she doesn’t- do you have to take her child with you?

Aeroflotgirl · 14/05/2018 08:35

Delete and block her number and from social media, and meet the others without her, behaviour is awful.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 14/05/2018 08:51

You're a single parent with 4 kids, one with special needs and she calls you a lady of leisure and takes the piss out of you?! You know you need get rid asap, but you'll have to toughen up to get rid of this one, whose cheeky fuckery is off the scale!

As others have said, just say no to every request for child care and wean her off you - or delete and block if you want to go cold turkey.

Her child care problems are not yours. Sounds like you would have been very willing to continue to help out in return for just a very small amount of appreciation, but her cheek, rudeness and downright nastiness have spoilt that. Don't feel guilty, she's brought this on herself and sounds like she has form for it.

bbqseason · 14/05/2018 08:53

Just stop answering her calls and texts, when you see her say you can't babysit anymore as are too busy with your own children. Absolutely ridiculous you're being made to feel guilty about not wanting to babysit especially when you have 4 kids of your own (but if you didn't have any children it would still be ok to say no!). I don't have any friends who would ever expect such a thing.

BMW6 · 14/05/2018 08:56

Don't give her excuses why you can't babysit. "I don't want to" is perfectly reasonable.

FASH84 · 14/05/2018 09:03

I agree with PP who suggested broken record technique, if you get into reasons you'll get here trying to dismiss or minimise them. 'Sorry, I can't babysit for you any more' ' as I've said I can't baby sit for you any more', 'no not Saturday, I can't babysit for you anymore' repeat ad finitum

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 14/05/2018 09:03

Send her a message to say you won’t be babysitting anymore and then block her. That way you can just forgot about her. If she is with your friends, just say hello and act like nothing happened, be curteous but don’t pay for her. You have to put your boundaries in place and don’t give her any headspace.
She is a rather unpleasant person, laughing at you with her partner, instead of being grateful for the free babysitting.

Sparklesocks · 14/05/2018 09:04

You need to be firmer, I know it’s hard but otherwise she will continue to take advantage for as long as she can. She won’t let up if you continue to let it happen.

I know it’s tough with pushy people as they can be relentless - but you need to be firm and direct and explain you can’t help anymore. If she continues to text/call - ignore her.

Ansumpasty · 14/05/2018 09:09

Wow! Stop being such a mug, op! You sound like a very nice friend and anyone would be lucky to have you. However, she isn’t a friend.
Stop being such a push over and say, ‘I can’t babtsit again, it’s too much with my own children. Got to go, bye!’

Movablefeast · 14/05/2018 09:11

Whatever her problems are they are not yours to solve. You have already given her a great deal of your time and services for free. She is not a friend and you do not owe her anything. It would be completely inappropriate if she tried to guilt you into doing any more for her.

You also have needs and are worthy of consideration.

Thumbcat · 14/05/2018 09:17

Just tell her you won't be minding her child anymore because you don't want to. You don't need to come up with excuses that she'll find a way around. Tbh your friendship will be over anyway once you stop being her free childcare because that's the only reason she cultivated it, so just be honest.

TheMaddHugger · 14/05/2018 09:28

Unbelievable CF'ery

PoisonousSmurf · 14/05/2018 09:32

OMG! Stop being a doormat. Of course she's a user. You have enough on your plate. Tell her to F off!!

lhastingsmua · 14/05/2018 09:38

Agree, you sound lovely but she is definitely taking advantage. This sounds awful but her financial situation isn’t your problem when she treats you like this. He might take financial advantage of her, but she is simultaneously taking advantage of you too.

Does her partner refuse to contribute to childcare then, or is he also of the opinion that you can just babysit whenever they like? They’re laughing at you behind your back! Honestly it sounds like she’s judging you for not working and thinks she’s better than you. She’s planning on having another child and is already pawning that child off on you too. Please get rid now

lhastingsmua · 14/05/2018 09:39

She’s making comments like ‘you’ll be at home anyway’ like you don’t have your own life and children to attend to

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2018 09:49

If you are concerned about the other members of the group, perhaps you could send a group WhatsApp “Looking for a bit of help from you all. I’ve been taking care of CFB’s dd most evenings. I’m overwhelmed with my own now and it’s all got too much unfortunately. Can any of you help our instead?” That way they know the truth and you’re obviously trying to be a good friend to CFB. Could be interesting.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 14/05/2018 12:30

That's not a bad idea at all from mummy. If nothing else it shows you aren't just dropping her in it and like mummy says, you're trying to be a good friend.

Usernameunknown2 · 14/05/2018 13:21

She is using you more certainly. With people like that you need to stop.it quickly or it will just escalate. Be honest with your friend's that she has been using you, 'do you know how rude you sound' for all her comments and block her.

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