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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was I unreasonable to report inappropriate language to teacher

93 replies

Emski76 · 13/05/2018 15:34

My son is in Year 5 and came home last week upset about upcoming sex Ed lessons. We had a lovely chat which ended with him asking me what some words meant as his friends had been saying them and he didn’t know what they meant. The words were porn, rape, mangina (?) and condom. I explained each word and was very concerned about porn and rape. I spoke to my sons teacher the next day and she says she would talk to the class as a whole and separately to the boys who says the words. Today my son has bumped into these boys and they’ve asked why he told on them. He’s denied everything but I’m feeling so upset and that I’ve messed up be reporting it. Opinions needed ( please be honest)

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 13/05/2018 17:24

@SprayingMonsters - do you mean unsupervised as in he’s in his room alone so can access whatever he likes online - or you’re both in the kitchen, you’re cooking supper - keeping half an eye on what he’s accessing sort of situ?

TheTroutofNoCraic · 13/05/2018 17:27

I taught a very boy heavy class of year 4's last year. Some of them were very precocious and would often say very inappropriate things. There had been a big hoo-haa the year previous with some of them watching porn on ipads at each others houses.
But when it came to sex education they hadn't a clue about erections, for example.
They can be exposed to things which are inappropriate but its also entirely possible that they understand nothing about the mechanics of what they are watching.

Luisa27 · 13/05/2018 17:28

We don’t allow any totally unsupervised - of course I’m not always standing directly behind him clutching his shoulders 😂 - he’s very technically able - but we don’t allow him unsupervised

Frogletmamma · 13/05/2018 17:33

My 11 yo wanted to know what a condom was. So I explained about pregnancy. Then I explained about stds. Now she never wants to have sex and says she will adopt!

Pengggwn · 13/05/2018 17:34

Happyandshiney

We do indeed.

CaledonianQueen · 13/05/2018 17:44

My ds is turning 11 next month, he is autistic and homeschooled. He has no idea what porn is thankfully and has never been exposed to porn. He has known the facts of life since he was around 5 years old ( he loved wildlife documentaries and asked why if humans were mammals they didn’t make babies the way other mammals did) and due to our history topic last year, he knows about rape. He doesn’t joke about this though and doesn’t swear or talk about sex/ rape or porn with his friends.

My 8 year old daughter also knows the facts of life and unfortunately regularly has to ask me what x word or y word means. I find it utterly depressing that little girls are being objectified, degraded and subjected to sexual innuendo/ requests so young! My dd came home really upset and embarrassed as one of the boys had asked her to have sex with him. This was part of a dare, but completely out of order. I contacted the head teacher who was very concerned and took all the boys aside and had very stern words with them as well as calling in their parents.

Unfortunately, children are being exposed to language, behaviour and knowledge that they are far too young to fully comprehend. They are playing games like Grand Theft Auto and other 18 certificate games and often accessing hardcore pornography, which normalise sexual violence, promiscuous behaviour and extreme sexual acts, which they then expect to receive from teenage girls.

A friend of mine at school was in a sexual relationship with a boy her age, she shaved off her pubic hair ( for comfort) and her bf told several of his friends. My poor friend was called a ‘slut’, a ‘whore’ and a ‘freak’ for shaving her pubic hair. This was back when pornography was not as easy for teenage boys to access. Nowadays a teenage girl is ridiculed if she has any pubic hair, being told she is disgusting.

Pornography is destroying the moral fibre of many teenage boys. It is subjecting our daughters to expectations of extreme sexual acts that we as an older generation realise belong in the porn industry and not in the bedroom! I personally think that we need to teach our teens that what they see in pornography is not normal, loving sexual behaviour. They need to know that rape is an evil degrading act, that breaks the soul as well as the body. They need support.

You did the right thing by contacting the head teacher. The more schools are forced to confront the inappropriate language, sexualised behaviour and exposure to pornography the better. Our children need to be taught that real sex is not like a porn film. That women deserve respect, that sex should be between consenting adults and that it is NEVER ok to objectify, harass or bully anyone into sex.

SprayingMonsters · 13/05/2018 17:47

@Luisa27 yes I trust him enough to be on his iPad in his room alone.

Luisa27 · 13/05/2018 17:53

@SprayingMonsters - oh of course, I wasn’t casting aspersions on the trustworthiness of your son - nor mine for that matter. I trust him explicitly- he’s wonderful.
My concerns lie in the power and coercive nature of the internet...and all that it entails. At 9 I feel it’s my duty as hia parent safeguard him from that.

Luisa27 · 13/05/2018 17:54

Very eloquently said @CaledonianQueen

sparklefluff · 13/05/2018 17:55

I have a son in year 5, he doesn't live a bubble wrap life, but I doubt he would know what rape and porn were.
Would I report the use of the words? No, because some kids in my sons class I am pretty sure know what they mean and could probably put them into fabulous context, that's life and part of peer groups and growing up.

I would report inappropriate behaviour suggestions, like the grabbing of a girl, because that's just not on really.

Your son sounds like a sweet kid OP, sadly, his "mates" all won't be and sometimes you have to just grit your teeth and just make sure you raise him the best you can.

sparklefluff · 13/05/2018 17:57

Luisa, he doesn't really 'use' the internet tbh (10) more interested in playing Fortnite with his mates online, which is in my living room.

He has an iPad, I trust him to do what he wants with it.

derxa · 13/05/2018 17:59

Your son sounds like a sweet kid OP, sadly, his "mates" all won't be and sometimes you have to just grit your teeth and just make sure you raise him the best you can. Well said.

Emski76 · 13/05/2018 18:07

I agree with everything you said Caledonian - I’m hoping these boys have learned that it’s not acceptable. And thanks Sparklefluff he is a very sweet boy and we’re really proud of him.

OP posts:
pointythings · 13/05/2018 19:26

When my DD1 was in Yr 5, a boy at her school asked her for a blowjob. This child had a very difficult home life and SS were involved. At that point, DD had had basic sex ed - from me, when she asked questions, because as a Dutch person I do not trust the UK school system to deal with this well. So she was able to handle an age-appropriate explanation. Sometimes innocence is less important than information - because armed with knowledge, DD1 was able to talk to teachers when this boy became more inappropriate still, and was not frightened.

The words rape and porn occur in the 6 o'clock news - is it really so shocking therefore that 9-10 ten year olds have heard them? And do we really want to avoid explaining what those words mean and thereby starting our DCs on a road to understanding the importance of real life and consent? In the Dutch system, sex ed starts much younger than in the UK and is much more comprehensive. At the same time, teenage pregnancies are far lower and average age of first intercourse is far higher than in the UK. So who's getting it right?

cervicalcheckconcerns · 14/05/2018 09:48

@maresedotes I have definitely read the 50% stat recently in a news article but can't find it- it was about end-of-primary aged children.

I did find this from a couple of years ago which puts it more at 30% for 11 year olds, but suggests half of under-fourteens have viewed pornography: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/amp/education-36527681

Worryingly, and not surprisingly, lots of this seems to happen without the children seeking it out. I really don't think current sex Ed is equipped for the internet reality many children are now living in, and the talk of pop-ups, friends sending files through, etc in that report shows how much can happen even with a parent in the room.

User12879923378 · 14/05/2018 10:04

When I was 10 I knew that rape was forcing someone to have sex but my understanding of the mechanics of sex was waaaaaaay off.

maresedotes · 14/05/2018 18:12

Thank you cervical I will have a read.

CalF123 · 14/05/2018 18:35

I really think you've blown this out of all proportion. I would think the vast majority of 10 year olds would know what a condom is, and it's perfectly natural for them to make silly jokes. I would be more concerned with them discussing 'rape' but it depends on exactly what was said.

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