Was I unreasonable to report inappropriate language to teacher

[Emski76]

My son is in Year 5 and came home last week upset about upcoming sex Ed lessons. We had a lovely chat which ended with him asking me what some words meant as his friends had been saying them and he didn’t know what they meant. The words were porn, rape, mangina (?) and condom. I explained each word and was very concerned about porn and rape. I spoke to my sons teacher the next day and she says she would talk to the class as a whole and separately to the boys who says the words. Today my son has bumped into these boys and they’ve asked why he told on them. He’s denied everything but I’m feeling so upset and that I’ve messed up be reporting it. Opinions needed ( please be honest)

Why does your son know you spoke to the teacher?

Any parent could've over heard as could any teacher - why would you lot be a bit more houghtul to your sons feelings?

Wow NameChange a bit aggressive?? But opinion accepted.
I do not think boys in Primary school should know and be talking about porn and being a rapist but we are all different. That’s why I posted as I do feel pretty shit for putting my son in this position

I would expect children in Y5 to know what porn is, and understand how it's not like real sex. I would probably expect them to know what rape was if they knew what sex was (rape is making someone have sex when they don't want to, it's not hard to explain) and that it's a Very Serious Thing

I didn't know what sex was in Y5, let alone rape. I knew about sex by Y6. Porn? Didn't occur to me until probably Y8 or Y9.

Why do you expect a 9 year old to know what porn is? Genuinely interested.

I think you’re doing exactly the right thing in monitoring the situation Emski76 - and it’s great that your little one is able to talk to you - he sounds fab!

There is a huge difference between 10 year olds knowing what the word "rape" means and 10 year olds going round saying that they are rapists. I can see why some posters are finding this thread frustrating.

Why do people think it's normal for ten year olds to talk about porn? Where are people talking to them about porn? It's not coming from anywhere appropriate that I can think of!

In our case because my DS is an avid reader and likes to read the news.

We had to explain why the American President was in trouble and what a “porn star” is.

It lead to an interest feminist discussion about objectification and exploitation of women though as well as a discussion about politicians being punished for the cover up not the crime.

Green Tulios he was refusing to go to the sex Ed lesson so I let his teacher know. He’s going by the way, he just doesn’t know it yet! My son knows I spoke to his teacher as I asked his permission first. So I took his feelings into account and thought I was doing what was best for him

Happyandshiney

Not what would be being discussed in my house, but crack on!

So if your year 5 asked you what porn or rape was because they had read the words in the paper or seen them on the news, what would you say?

Why is this thread frustrating BertrandRussell? I’ve apologised twice for not putting everything in my op. What these boys says about being rapists disgusted me. I feel very strongly about girls being treated and talked about respectfully and maybe their teacher telling them so might help them in future.

it's kind of pointless reporting stuff like this, you cannot wrap your son in cotton wool. Kids always find out about inappropriate stuff and talk about it at school, at ten I just all this stuff. from school and television [brookside did rape and the trevor jordache storyline so i knew everything, ] You reporting it changes nothing. Leave it in future imho as they just take it out on your son. The teacher was totally wrong for giving your name though.

There isnt really the innocence about these things at that age. Youd be surprised what they hear from their schoolfriends, and theyre exposed to concepts now at around 8/9 that they would previously have been unaware of till around 12.
I dont think its for the good, but I do think it is the internet society we now live in and there isnt a way to stop it as the cat is WAY out of the bag. You just need to be honest and discuss things with your child/ren as they arise.

I actually think parents are being irresponsible if their 10 year olds don't know what porn is - the statistics for 10 year olds who have seen hardcore pornography are horrific, its something like 50%. Almost all things they've been shown at school on a peer's smartphone, entirely without parental knowledge support or guidance. I am horrified this is the society we live in, btw, but ignoring it isn't helping.

Giving children the tools to know when things are not ok is important. If a 10 year old is describing themselves as a rapist, then yes that is worrying, and I would hope a child would feel comfortable speaking to their parents about that and the school would take some action. If ten year olds are saying 'Oh my mummy said we're not watching that film because the director is a rapist' then I'm pretty ok with that. Similarly, if another ten year old is suggesting people watch porn on their phone at break, I'd rather a child knew enough that this was something they should stay away from and maybe talk to a teacher about, rather than being exposed to it because they didn't know what it was and were too embarrassed to ask.

Also - when I was 9, in a very conservative catholic primary, I remember a girl being teased because she didn't know what a condom was, and people looking up words like sex and rape and porn in the dictionary at lunchtime (this was obviously very much pre-internet). So I don't think its right to say children have always been innocent about these things, I think the problem is bringing the internet into their lives exposes them to much more damaging things than was ever the case before.

BertrandRussell

Rape: "It's a type of assault and hurting someone."

Porn: "It's a type of film and it's not for children."

Mangina is what you say when a guy tucks his penis between his legs so it looks like he has a vagina. Not in a transgender serious way but as a joke. Was in mighty boosh too.

That's what it means where i am anyway.

Even though the words were a little bit inappropriate I don’t think you should have reported the boys.

Well we all parent differently Pengggwn and according to the needs of our children.

If our child ask a question they get a truthful (but age appropriate) answer.

They are secure in the knowledge that they can safely ask us, or tell us anything. Very occasionally I will tell them that the answer to the question is too adult.

There was an awful lot of rubbish talked about sex and puberty discussed in playgrounds when I was a girl. I want my children to be confident that they can ask for an explanation.

We have explained that this stuff is for parents to tell their own children when they are ready so they don’t carry tales into school.

''What these boys says about being rapists disgusted me. I feel very strongly about girls being treated and talked about respectfully and maybe their teacher telling them so might help them in future.''

while i agree with what you say, they are just silly children who do not know their words. You can only work with your own child and instruct him, he will hear all sorts of derogatory racist/homophobic/sexiest... comments and jokes at school. Later he will see kids talk about drugs and even abuse drugs and booze-that's just the way it is.With phones he will even see inappropriate videos that are so easily shared these days across social media. You cannot stop this.
Not ideal but it's society sadly. You cannot complain about everyone and everything as it really is beyond you or the school's control what is said or what kids do in the playground especially when he gets to secondary school next year. Just talk to him and tell him how to be respectable and what is appropriate/not appropriate. As I said you cannot change other peoples kids and you cannot wrap him up in cotton wool,complaining will not change things either. Relax.

Sorry, but I think the world has moved on, even from when some of the youngest on MN were 9/10 year olds. I am a teacher and last did sex Ed last year with this age group. For background, they are an exceptionally lovely and sensitive year group.

Questions in my anonymous question box included ‘What is rape?’ ‘What is a boner?’ and ‘What is a mangina?’ They have probably come across these terms from you tube and unsuitable programmes such as Family Guy. Rape could even be heard on the news. Even if just one of them or an older pupil hears this and repeats it then it could enter a group’s lexicon.

I felt the rape question in particular had to be dealt with clearly and without shame or embarrassment. Some of the pupils thought it was just another word for sex. I don’t think pointing fingers and disciplining children for using the term ‘rape’ is appropriate if they don’t actually know what is means. After the legal and moral implications of rape had been briefly but clearly explained to this group, we had no reports of the word being used inappropriately.

It's pretty difficult to stop that kind of talk. Kids aren't going to stop it if they are told it's inappropriate. They do it precisely because they know it's inappropriate. They push boundaries with language and with talking about sex etc at that age - it's absolutely standard. The important thing is that kids know to tell someone if offensive stuff is being directed at anyone in a bullying or abusive way.

Last year one of the boys told my 5 year old to grab a girls boobs and ask her for sex so he already has form for this

Yes I'd be reporting them for that. Did you report that at the time?

''It's pretty difficult to stop that kind of talk. Kids aren't going to stop it if they are told it's inappropriate. They do it precisely because they know it's inappropriate.''

exactly that is why it is futile to complain to schools about it, it's like ringing the police complaining how you smell cannabis in the public street or you think people are doing coke in public toilets...it's really out of their control.

Not answering the question I know but I find it a bit sad that we live in times where 10 year olds know about things like porn and rape!

In which times have 10 year olds not known about porn and rape? (I’m my day, it was from finding porno mags in suburban hedges...)

Apologies if I’m confusing you with someone else Peng but isn’t your DD very young still?

When my twins were that age I wouldn’t necessarily have imagined having these conversations with them at this age either.

However as Cervical says we have to parent for the society we are living in, not the one we’d like to live in.

In my opinion early sex education is critical to protecting your children.

I’d rather be talking to my DS and DD about porn and explaining why I think it’s wrong and exploitative at 10 yo than discover they’ve watched it at someone else’s house at 12yo.

I’d rather discuss rape and consent at 10yo than have either of them not understand about bodily autonomy and why “no” means “no” when they are teenagers.

The time to discuss this stuff is before they need to know, before they need to deal with it independently.

Shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted isn’t a useful approach.