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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable to report inappropriate language to teacher

93 replies

Emski76 · 13/05/2018 15:34

My son is in Year 5 and came home last week upset about upcoming sex Ed lessons. We had a lovely chat which ended with him asking me what some words meant as his friends had been saying them and he didn’t know what they meant. The words were porn, rape, mangina (?) and condom. I explained each word and was very concerned about porn and rape. I spoke to my sons teacher the next day and she says she would talk to the class as a whole and separately to the boys who says the words. Today my son has bumped into these boys and they’ve asked why he told on them. He’s denied everything but I’m feeling so upset and that I’ve messed up be reporting it. Opinions needed ( please be honest)

OP posts:

SprayingMonsters · 13/05/2018 16:26

I actually think parents are being irresponsible if their 10 year olds don't know what porn is

I have a 10 year old son, and I’m 99% sure that he doesn’t know what porn is, but I am trying to keep him as inoccent as possible.

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 16:27

''Sorry, but I think the world has moved on, even from when some of the youngest on MN were 9/10 year olds.''

it hasn't though, people just become deluded that they didn't know these things or had never heard these words at that age and that children today are growing up too fast.... It is still very much the same today as over near 30 years ago. In the early 90s in primary school, i recall the kids in my class going on about inappropriate stuff.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/05/2018 16:27

The thread is very disjointed but I think it's just sensible to be open and age-appropriate in explanations to children about these things. Why is your son upset at the prospect of sex-ed lessons?

Original poster

Emski76 · 13/05/2018 16:28

Yes Hugsy it was reported and dealt with. Thanks all. Everyone opinion is greatly appreciated. Sometimes it’s good to get an outsiders opinion. Just because I’m shocked by it doesn’t mean it’s wrong or that others would find it shocking. I’ve told my son to deny it all and hopefully that will be it. I’ve told dh that next time we both discuss what our actions should be as we both now feel I should’nt have said anythung

OP posts:

Original poster

Emski76 · 13/05/2018 16:31

Vladimir’s I think it just surprised him. The ta says he wasn’t the only child and that several had put their letters about sex Ed in the bin and some parents don’t even want their child to watch it. I’ve always been honest with my son and as he’s asked questions I’ve told him what he needed to know. I explained what all the words meant but admit I did find explaining mangina difficult!

OP posts:

Happyandshiney · 13/05/2018 16:31

I am trying to keep him as inoccent as possible

Can I ask why Spraying And what you mean by “innocent”?

WomaninGreen · 13/05/2018 16:33

Just to clarify

A boy said to your son "I am a rapist"?

If I've got that right, how old is the boy? I think you've probably done the right thing reporting it, if I've understood it correctly.

Mousefunky · 13/05/2018 16:37

I had no idea what porn or rape were at nine/ten and I wouldn’t expect my DC to at that age either. I’m all for sex ed lessons so understanding what contraception is is absolutely fine but I’m not sure a ten year old needs to understand what rape is. Sure, let them know and understand that it is not ok for anyone to touch them down there but they don’t need to fully understand rape just yet.

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 16:40

''A boy said to your son "I am a rapist"?

If I've got that right, how old is the boy? I think you've probably done the right thing reporting it, if I've understood it correctly.''

the key word in your question is ''boy'', not man but ''boy''. Yes if it was a man that said that i'd be reporting it but the boy in his primary school said it to him.... another immature child, hate to say it but kids say inappropriate stuff all the time as they don't yet have the mentality to understand their words and know what is appropriate always. What exactly is reporting it going to achieve?? The child gets a telling off but then 2 days later another boy or even the same boy will make another offensive sexual/racist/homophobic joke/comment.I have worked in schools and believe me it is pointless to try and stop this because you simply can't. If you report every inappropriate thing he hears you just end up looking like an idiot.

BertrandRussell · 13/05/2018 16:42

"I am trying to keep him as inoccent as possible."

Innocence and ignorant are not the same thing.

Luisa27 · 13/05/2018 16:46

It’s not about ‘telling the boy off’ - It’s more about the teacher being aware of the concerns of other children and parents and being able, hopefully, to use age appropriate terminology and ensure school remains a safe space where everyone feels comfortable.

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 16:52

but schools are not oblivious, they know what is said. I used to hear yr 6 children make racist remarks they heard from parents clearly ''I am not allowed to go out with a black girl when I am older.'' Or the yr 6 boys would pretend to have breasts in the playground... It is silly childish behaviour that will always offend someone but what exactly can the schools do to stop it?? Nothing really. They can give sex ed classes and seek to educate but still the classes and lectures cannot stop the inappropriate chit chat and juvenile behaviour amongst them. It will not miraculously mature them to handle such topics in a mature way.

Bouledeneige · 13/05/2018 16:53

I think Moonfacedmum explains it well.

My DS is older now but I remember the boys in year 5 and 6 getting hold of lots of inappropriate language - particularly rape and porn. They don't really know what they mean but they think its funny/naughty to say them. That is quite usual behaviour I think at that age and its appropriate for teachers to other the chance to explain and for kids to ask what words mean.

I do think you have to explain - many children have access to the internet now so the alternative is that they type it in there. And I really didn't want my son seeing porn. I explained this to him at around that age - you will see things you can never unsee and its not realistic or nice.

derxa · 13/05/2018 16:53

I think the teacher messed this up. Surely the concerns could have been woven into the sex ed talk. Also I think it's ridiculous to think that 10 year olds would not know these words.

Luisa27 · 13/05/2018 16:59

I’m sure no one is suggesting ‘schools are oblivious’.
However, the main priority of school is to educate - this includes challenging prejudice and inappropriate behaviour in all forms.
Through education and through leading by example, schools are able to change these behaviours and prejudices. Not just ignore them, because “what’s the point?”

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 17:03

yes and i agree with that-i am saying they should educate and they do but i'm saying that this too cannot quash the problem. Kids will be kids, that's why complaining about what they say/do gets you nowhere really until it is targeted bullying.

SprayingMonsters · 13/05/2018 17:06

Happyandshiney of course you can 🙂 I just think age 10 is far too young to know about rape and porn. He does not use the internet much, he would prefer to read a book.

Luisa27 · 13/05/2018 17:07

.....I do think raising concerns is sometimes helpful.

Luisa27 · 13/05/2018 17:09

Also - genuine question...do any of you allow your 9/10 year olds unsupervised internet access?

maresedotes · 13/05/2018 17:11

No way have 50% of 9-10 year olds (year 5) watched hard porn. My DD has just had the sex education chat/video at school. Rape and porn were not mentioned. I would have concerns if one of her schoolfriends mentioned those words to her too.

SprayingMonsters · 13/05/2018 17:11

Luisa27 when he does use the internet it is unsupervised, so yes.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/05/2018 17:13

Year 5 !!!! Come on OP

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 13/05/2018 17:15

Now using and knowing the words / ok

Claiming to rape and do the deeds / not ok

Mintychoc1 · 13/05/2018 17:17

YANBU.
When my DS was in year 6 there was a boy on his table at school who talked about rape all the time. I spoke to the teacher and got him moved to a different table.

Pengggwn · 13/05/2018 17:23

Happyandshiney

I'm perfectly able to imagine it. I don't think they are appropriate conversations to be having with small children. We are responsible for protecting our kids, and I don't expect my child to be shown porn or to be reading about rape until a bit older than that. Not that much older, but older than 9. So I am with the OP.

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