About PIL in DC room

[ConfusedYetAgain]

I have somehow ended up caught in the middle of a disagreement and would be interested to hear who people think is unreasonable here.

SIL and BIL recently moved to a town about 1.5 hour drive from PIL. They have two young DC. Their house is 3 bed but both the DC rooms are very small, you’d struggle to comfortably fit a double bed in either.

PIL are planning to visit. SIL and BIL were intending to offer them a sofa bed in their dining room. PIL are angry with this and think they are being made unwelcome. They think they should be offered one of the DCs rooms and the DC should share or one sleep in parents room.

SIL doesn’t want to do this as in order to fit in a double air mattress for PIL they would have to move furniture (bed and shelving unit, possibly something else I can’t remember) out of the room. She thinks it would be disruptive to both DC as they would have to move furniture into one room, and the DC wake each other if they are in same room.

PIL also think that DC should learn that they have to give up their room for adults. SIL and BIL both say that’s fine but they are too young to understand that lesson at the moment so it’s just disruptive to the whole family. PIL think it’s about the principle that DC should accommodate adults so the DCs age isn’t important.

I tend to think PIL are unreasonable as the sofa bed would be equally comfortable as an air mattress, and they can have privacy in the dining room as much as in a bedroom. But on the other hand, I do get that guests would rather have a bedroom than just a sofa bed that needs to be cleared away during the day.

So, who is unreasonable?

YABmassively unreasonable to care!

..how on earth have you ended up ‘caught in the middle of a disagreement between your PIL and you BIL and SIL. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If I were you and either party had even mentioned this to me I’d have given them a Mumsnet headtilt and asked why the flip they were trying to involve me in something so petty and something that doesn’t concern me.

Or 'oh no need to move the children, we thought that as you were staying we would book ourselves into a hotel for the night as a treat so you can have our bed. Probably best not to look in the drawers in the bedside table, obviously we will be taking our favourite toys with us but we can't take them all and I wouldn't want you to get a shock. Although of course if you like the look of any then let me know and that can be your Christmas presents sorted.'

Pils have the option of one in each single bed and the two dcs in with the parents, or the dining room.
I bet they'll hate to be separated so won't take the single rooms, but the offer fills their need for the dc to be lower in the pecking order.

the more it seems like PIL see it as SIL and BIL treating their children as more important than PIL

I would hope their children are more important to SIL and BIL than their parents/inlaws! The PIL are being massively unreasonable here.

I wouldn't even want them to come after this as they've already soured the visit before it's even begun.

I would hate someone else sleeping in my bed, also wouldn’t like to take someone ms bed. They should accept the dining room with good grace.

Sofabeds in living rooms are horrible as you have no privacy. You can't go to bed unless everyone else has gone to bed and you have to be up with the first person in the morning. It also means you don't have anywhere to retreat to during the day if everyone starts to annoy you.
Whilst PIL are guests, it probably isn't much of a surprise that they want to stay over. Yes, it's only 1.5 hours so they could go home but not if it's been a get together with alcohol or all/part of the reason for the visit is
for them to babysit:
Neither my parents nor PIL at local and our DCs room are set up to accommodate this. The child whose room can fit a double has a single bed with one underneath which comes up to the same height as the single & that is the room visitors sleep
in; other DC has a trundle bed under that bed and it is their room both DC sleep in when we have visitors. Exception to this was at Christmas when we had both sets of parents visiting and the DC slept on the floor
of our room. The latter wasn't great for us but it was lovely to see family.

PIL are being veeeery unreasonable. They should be told to stay in a b&b or, better off, not come at all.

Honestly, if I were in your SIL shoes I’d give up my room for the PIL in a heartbeat. However my PIL would immediately decline and insist on the sofa bed. This is because neither of us are arseholes and we love each other. Very much.

Sounds like it's about power, not comfort or necessity.

Wow!
Nobody is taking my bedroom (ensuite, containing mine and DPs essential meds etc). The upheaval to move everything would be ridiculous.
We do have a double spare room, plus 4 DCs rooms. The spare is smaller, but adequate.
I'm not moving anyone, unless it was a long-term arrangement that was worth a temporary disruption. My eldest DC has an ensuite room, but it's a lot of hassle to reorganise everything.
I'd offer the best space available, ensuring that it doesn't make any of the DCs feel pushed out.
Otherwise they can choose a hotel, as I did with ex-H when we went to stay with ex-outlaws, who didn't have realistic space for us.
If privacy is key, you must also respect the privacy of your hosts.
CFs.

PIL should get a fucking hotel. Lazy arses.

If that was us, we would not disrupt the dc at all.
I would give PIL the master bedroom/ our room. And do and I would sleep on the sofa bed.
But I defiantly wouldn't be moving furniture around etc.

Why the the PiL want to visit? Surely they have no respect for, or interest in, their family. They may as well stay at home and be happy, rather than take their misery on the road!

@lottiegarbanzo I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there.

Some adults seem to have the attitude that children aren’t real people and therefore can be inconvenienced and ignored without a second thought.

Hell no wpjld I give up my own bed for a guest. It’s my bed and no one else is ever staying there, I’m just weird!

I dont like the idea of giving up my bed but i just tink its the politest option of all. (Don't that PIl are being very polite )
I would just never ask my dc's to do something I wouldn't so if I wouldn't give up my bed then I wouldn't ask my dc to.
It's only an hour and a half trip. Must they stay OP?

*not sorry

Speaking from the perspective of someone old enough to have gc, but not having any - I wouldn't expect any room hopping or disruption from their normality. If the house isn't big enough to accommodate visitors comfortably then I would 'want' to stay in a nearby hotel.
I cherish my home comforts and I respect the home comforts of others. Nobody wants to hear my dh snoring all night, nor share a bathroom with his evening and morning 'ablutions'. AND my thrice nightly visits for a wee and general night time sleeplessness.
As a guest, I want to come and go as I please without disturbing anybody. I don't want to have to tiptoe about at night.

Nope. Unless it's a huge house where there is an available en suite and nobody can disturb anybody else, then it would be a hotel for me. Having said all that, I have a big house - not a posh house - but one with a lot of rooms that can accommodate camp beds etc, so sometimes at xmas we've had 16 people staying here. But at all times, my children had their own bedrooms as usual. It was the guests who had to put up or shut up. Some brought sleeping bags and slept on the dining room floor. They are Glastonbury trained so it was luxury for them. And they are mostly young people so happy to
sleep on a flimsy camp bed.
DH and I regularly visit my dd and her partner 200 miles away, but she has a tiny house with one toilet. And I mean really tiny.
We stay in the local Travelodge 10 minutes drive away.
We love her very much and she loves us, and I know that we'd be very welcome to share the single bed in the spare room, and the shared bathroom facilities. But we can afford £30 a night for a Travelodge with a King Size bed and excellent power shower, and oodles of personal space. It's a no brainer for me.

If you can't comfortably accommodate pil without disrupting your childrens sleeping arrangements, they need to be looking at nearby accommodation. I'm prolly as old as your pil. But I wouldn't be pushing myself upon you like that. I can't even imagine being so pushy as to suggest the children should give up their beds.

I hope you get this sorted. Tell them about Travelodges.

We give up our room and sleep on the sofa bed ourselves. Better they are comfortable and have privacy.

PIL are being entitled pricks.
Agree to what is suggested or hotel!!!

Do you know it actually might be a class thing I suspect most things aren't, but Hedda might be right here.

My parents kicked me out of my room for their guests every single time but would never, ever, ever have given up their bed. Middle class.

Most of my friends are fairly inarguably middle or upper middle class, and most have spare rooms. In fact I think we're the only ones to have filled each bedroom with a child. We have a not really a bedroom mixed use room with a sofa bed. I wouldn't move my kids nor myself out of our own room unless there was a really good reason like frailty/ disability making one room the only workable one.

The only friends I have ever stayed with who offered me their bed were working class with a family of 5 in a 2 bed. They gave me and my kids their bed to share and took the sofa in the living room. I was really embarrassed and very much wished I'd booked a travel lodge, and pushed to be allowed to sleep in the living room, but they were insistent that it worked better for them to take the living room as they'd want to get up first. It was very generous but very uncomfortable (mentally, not physically) - I guess just because it was way outside my comfort zone to take another couple's bed!

I would have been very uncomfortable displacing one of their children from their room too though and that's what my parents did!

Do middle class parents expect their kids to move for adults if there is no spare room and working class parents move themselves?

I make my DC bunk up for adults staying over but that's because 1 has a double. It's madness making them do it when there isn't the space! Moving beds to make room?!!! Fuck that!

Parents give up their room and have the sofa bed.

As host one of you should be last up / first up anyway. I don't drink so usually tag team that DH stays up and I get up!

As host one of you should be last up / first up anyway.

Host? I don't feel like that when our parents stay. They have the run of downstairs and are free to get up in the night, early morning etc.

Plus they always got up with the kids when small to give us a lie in.

Leaving aside the entitlement/ logistics in this case, to me it’d also depend a bit on the circumstances of the visit. PiLs doing emergency childcare - would make them as happy as possible, as they’re doing a massive favour. If they’ve just invited themselves for a social call or are using the place as a stopover for eg the airport, I wouldn’t feel so obliged.

(Btw, someone said up thread the DGP can’t be that old/ frail if they have young DGC. My DD is 2, her DGF is in his 80s.)

And yes, why is OP embroiled in what are presumably her DH’s parents? Wifework strikes again...

It's not even for the OP. It's her BIL/SIL.