To think it’s bad to just live your life through your children?

[Neversayever]

To the point that when they leave home you’re not left with not much of your own life?

Yes I agree. However when your children are very young I believe they should absolutely be prioritised over your own wants and needs.
Everyone needs a bit of childfree time.
But that's what it should be an hour or two every week or a night out once a month or so.

Yes.
Bad.
Very bad.
Don't do it OP.

Maybe when they leave you can start prioritising your own life though. As long as you're not sat there wondering what to do.

Some people are happy living their lives around their children, what's wrong with that?! Better than the opposite.

My children have all left home and it's fantastic! I love having the house to ourselves agin. I don't understand the 'living life though your children' though as they become independant as they grow up.

Well, I never just lived my life through my children and they have never stopped criticising me for it since!
I've been compared with some of their friends mothers who were total martyrs for their kids...and they win apparently...

Maybe when they leave you can start prioritising your own life though. As long as you're not sat there wondering what to do.

So potentially 18 years?

Yes - I meet many older people and some are very, very lonely and unhappy because they have lived their life for their children and can't understand it if they don't see their children as regularly as they would like to - they sit around waiting for their adult children to call, it's very sad.

Other older people I know are busy, active and involved in the community - and they seem to enjoy life to the full.

I think the best thing anyone can 'be' is to be happy and content in their own skin and not rely on anyone else (children or partner) for their happiness or feelings of 'self worth'.

Strange post, how does someone live their life through their child? Is it making them go be a nurse because that’s what you always wanted to do?

If it’s just priotising them when their young then no, I don’t see anything wrong with that, there only children for such a little time so can’t see what the problem is with people putting others in front of themselves for just a little bit, people are quite selfish these days I find and it blows me away how their needs constantly trump their children’s.

Why would you not have much life when they leave home? Because you don’t go out clubbing at the age of 45???

I don’t understand this post I don’t think.

Never - surely you don't need to prioritse either the parent's life or the child's . To me it is about getting a balance - yes, I have been bringing up my DS for the last 17 years but I have also had my own life to lead - volunteering/interests/friends/hobbies/job etc etc.

Both are important.

Yes potentially 18 years... I don't see it as a sacrifice, just a different time of life. You can still enjoy life. And you can still have an active, sociable life when they've gone. I don't get this post either tbh

when mine were little and totally dependent on me they got my whole attention, everything they needed, (food, clothes, clean beds, love) as they got older i taught them life skills like ironing, cooking how to keep themselves happy and healthy and when they left home i got to do the stuff i couldnt do when they were at home, no empty nest syndrome for me, and my children and grandchildren come to see me when they can, which is quite often, i love them all but am happy to make plans to go away for a few days without having to think about them as they are living their lives the way they want to

But why can’t You do anything in 18 years? I understand it’s harder when they are really young but why couldn’t you go out to lunch with a friend or dinner with someone when their 15? Why would a 15 year old stop you doing that?

You can do stuff, of course. But I admit bw work, housework (yes they/dh do their share), helping aging parents and chauffering dc to activities, I have jack shit time for me. Dh likewise. So I totally get why it happens.

I think uou maybe need to clarify what you mean.

I have met a few people who have made their children their life, to the extent it was all they had to talk about, and had really nothing else going on, no other focus in their life.

And that's not healthy, neither for them or the children. As they can stifle the child and hold on too tightly and of course when they child leaves home they attempt to stay overly involved as they have nothing left.

Of course children need to be prioritised, but you also need to have a healthy balance and other things going on to set a good healthy role model example.

You can do that when they're 15. Assuming your kid is at school/with a friend/doesn't need you for whatever reason.

Yes. And it’s rubbish for the kids too. My mums focus was way too much on me. It felt like massive pressure.

I mean where your children are your identity.

You don’t make time for friends, or just do things for you. Your only topic of discuss is your children because you have no other interests.

Why would you need to look after a child until they were 18? And I mean look after the same way you’d look after a 4 year old.

I'm confused.
Living your life through your children is just how it sounds.
Something you didn't have the opportunity to do, (Your life) but giving the opportunity to your children.
I have unconsciously done this and I'm really glad I have.

This does not mean that it's taken over my life and I have no time for myself, nor that it is more important than other things or people.

Yes potentially 18 years... I don't see it as a sacrifice, just a different time of life. You can still enjoy life. And you can still have an active, sociable life when they've gone. I don't get this post either tbh

I’d find it very hard to make friends after 18 years. I feel most people would.

Is this your experience OP?

Yes, I thought that was what you meant op and I agree it's very unhealthy and quite sad for all concerned.

Having a job, a hobby, friends, a social life, getting an education, whatever, having a child does not stop you doing these things, and does not mean you do not prioritise your child.

And as a child, as a pp said, it can be stifling when your parents sole focus is you and they have literally nothing else in their life and are unable to demonstrate a healthy balance.

For me having children late in life ( 38) meant that I already had a great deal of adult child free experience. I was already grown up with a good sense of identity.
My kids are now about to fly the nest and I am excited about my future. I will miss them of course, but already have that sense of identity and self esteem and so many interesting projects that I know I won't feel bereft.
Simply going back to how I was before- a strong woman with purpose.
If I had given birth at 21 I don;t think I would feel the same.

Glassofred I agree with you. When children are young and totally dependent then I think it's really important to prioritise their needs. Of course, that doesn't mean as parents that you get none of your wants and needs met, but I think realistically that a lot of the times the needs and wants of adults and young children do conflict and in those cases it's usually right to put the child's needs first. As time passes and children mature this balance should naturally start to shift as the child is able to understand about compromise and do more for themselves.

I think selfishness has a lot to answer for both in terms of parents finding excuses to constantly prioritise themselves and also when adult children want to discard their supportive, loving parents as seeing them is an inconvenience.

You can still have friends within that 18 years

It's unhealthy for both of you. Children are not a human shield for parents who are scared of life.