To think it’s bad to just live your life through your children?

[Neversayever]

To the point that when they leave home you’re not left with not much of your own life?

We try for a bit of balance. When the kids were younger they took most of the pie...

now, a lot less, though having a 17 year old with emotional and other health issues is also time/life consuming for us as parents when she needs it to be.

All things being well, a balance is the thing to be aimed for.

I'm off to a uni fair next week to see what courses they offer - so i'm not planning on sitting home mooning over baby pictures of them (well only sometimes maybe ). I am conscious not to give them the burden of my happiness, or dh's.

And yes, my 50th will be better. I've got a mental list as long as my mr tickle arms of all the things i want to do when i get more freedom.

That’s the spirit

I don't live my life through my children, they are now my life.

Not as batshit as that sounds reading it back, but I have 2 young kids, they need me for a lot, I want to do the best for them, so of course I put their wants and needs before mine.

I still meet friends/go out/ even had a couple of nights away last year. But as their mother I can't help but think about them a lot and them being happy is my forefront concern.

But just as they've become more independent as they've grown from babies who needed me 24/7 to survive, to school children who can do a lot of things without my help, I do look forward to them (& therefore DH & I) getting more independence.

But I equally know I'll long for these days when they are teens and I barely see them for days on end.

I think that's very unreasonable and unhealthy for the parent(s) and the offspring.

I agree. Childhood flies by and if you've not made your own life it must be awful. I still had a hobby & social life when DCs were little. I don't believe in "Mum Only" mode being a bore to yourself and others. DCs did activities too so of course it was full-on, but still. We are very close, but in their 20s now they've their own stuff going on.

I'm not. Gran yet. Looking forward to that time but not sitting waiting on it. DCs have finished Uni and are spending 3 months abroad with eldest's fiance family from next month. So they've been and will be away a lot, I can't conceive of being that mum who can't exist and function away from DCs. I like life. I still work. I will keep up with gym, social life. and meeting a friend this afternoon to plan a mini-break..1 week somewhere cheap, cheerful scenic & sunny. Then holiday with OH later in year. I've got back into reading a lot instead of screenwatching which had become a habit. So life is ok

My cousin is obsessed with her DD who is now 16. Calls her 'my best friend's which is lovely but still. Her DD has told my their cousins (my DCs) that she will choose a Uni other side of country or her mum will be breathing down her neck and turning up there weekly.

It's not fair to expect DCs to make life for you as your be all and end all. When they move out and on and marry it's time to take a step back. Unfortunately some can't, then you have silly situations where they're consumed with trying to monopolies grandchildren, and interfering in family life. Instead of getting a life

My DM was like this.

Never did anything for herself and really expected that me and DSIS would move home and sit beside her on the sofa outs self watching QVC.

It's something I'm constantly conscious of for my DD. I loved my DM very much and at times had a great relationship with her, but I felt absolutely suffocated by her. I still have a lot of issues to work through and she died 4 years ago.

It's forced upon some. My kids are both disabled and I am a single parent. Their Dad is useless and lives abroad for 90% of the year. There is no opportunity for me to have an Adult Life, Career etc and my children need me much more than the average child of their ages. I don't really know what to do about it. Just getting through the day is tough enough without attempting to "carve out" adult time for myself.

MsGameandWatching

Yes that will be the biggest challenge. I have someone to help share the load and only have one child with disibilities. I also hunted down a support group/charity for parents and kids with additional needs which was a godsend and I now volunteer for. It opened up a new world for me and my child has blossomed. Life is tough for parents and carers of children’s with SN. Is there nothing like that in your area? It might be worth asking at your next pead appointment.

@Micah

Is your DC a tennis player?

From experience Tennis Parents DO live their lives through their children!

Although in order for the kid to make it it's a sacrifice you, as a parent, would have to make so it's horses for courses really!

I know someone like this, her DS still lives at home (he’s 26) and she still does all his washing/cooking/cleaning and dotes on him as if he were little. He had a girlfriend but she apparently chucked him after he couldn’t cook a basic meal and generally made mess at her flat he didn’t clean up. She wasn’t good enough for him anyway, apparently.

Her DD (31) has moved out with her DP but only round the corner and mum sees or calls her everyday. She comes round several times in the week and pretty much every weekend. If DD goes away for the weekend she has to phone her mum everyday with a detailed rundown of what she’s doing (or mum will just keep calling until she picks up). Her kids are used to it though so they just put up with it. She is very keen that they have grandchildren asap, and has even suggested moving in with her DD for the first few weeks when she has a baby so she can help out.

It’s all a bit sad really, her kids are her world and she doesn’t really have any hobbies/proper mates. I don’t think her relationship with her DH is great so she relies entirely on her children for her happiness/validation.

children being ur world or life is completely different to living ur life through them.

My kids are my life, always have been but when they leave home, then I will have "my" life again.

Personally, I don't see the point in having kids at all if u want to continue a lifestyle as if you hadn't had any, that's just my personal opinion anyway.

I have 2, hopefully to become 3, young dc. We home educate so I have them 24/7, beyond a few hours a week at my allotment and the odd visit to a friend after their bedtime. They are absolutely all consuming right now and I love it. But I also look forward to reclaiming more time for myself and my hobbies as they grow up.

My kids are my life, always have been but when they leave home, then I will have "my" life again

How easy will you find that though if all you’ve done for a couple of decades is your kids? Life moves on around you and then suddenly you don’t know how to slot back in.

Neversayever

I’m talking about giving up your identity and having nothing in your life but your children.

I couldn't do it. I'd shrivel up.

Mine range from 16 to 30 now, 6 of them.

I had child free holidays, my own hobbies, girls nights out, time alone with my DH.

We actually used to ban them from the dining room once a month so we could have a romantic meal alone lol.

I was down to 1 left living at home, then 2 came back and I admit to being gutted lol. Not that they know that.

I adore them, we have amazing relationships, and we make a point of ALL getting together at least 4 times a year and obviously I see them all separately at times, but I wouldn't cancel something that DH and I are doing to see them, and they wouldn't expect me to.

I know a couple of women who still run around their adult kids. Actually 1 doesn’t, but she’d like to. Her kids have all left home and when we meet all she can talk about are her kids and their lives. She never does anything purely for herself and it’s been years now. It makes me sad- living vicariously through others. I do have friends with young children that I can also see are at risk of this later on. It’s hard. Nobody else, child or adult should be responsible for our happiness or lives generally.

My kids are my life too. I prioritise them always and try to give them all I can so they can have the best life, now and in the future, that dh and I can offer them.
But that also means that they are as independent as they can be, competent in school work and chores, understand that their mother (and father) has her own life and it’s not my role to just serve the family.

I don’t have a choice. I am far too ill. If I ever get better, I will have very few friends to do things with. I can only just about look after my dd. It’s very lonely. I’m sure dh is lonely too seeing as he looks after me and takes as much of the burden as possible for parenting from me. Dh took dd away for a couple of days recently and I was all alone. It was much needed rest. I went nowhere.

I don’t consider myself living through my child. I’m half dead half alive. And wanting to be either / or not both.

@gamerchick my life will still be there when they leave home, (my eldest already has), There will still be posh restaurants, cinemas, lazy Sundays in bed and holidays. And the best part is things like eating out, cinemas and holidays will be considerably cheaper and more enjoyable than when there are kids about.
Slotting back in/finding ur place in the world again is only as hard as a person makes it.