To think it’s bad to just live your life through your children?

[Neversayever]

To the point that when they leave home you’re not left with not much of your own life?

Every woman I know who is like this is low in confidence and self esteem.

I don’t think they need the boot from anyone else to be honest, they do it to themselves well enough.

Have you heard the principle of ‘death by a thousand cuts’? That’s often how this scenario tends to come about. The children come first one too many times. The man and his precious career comes first one too many times. The woman becomes just an accessory to other people’s lives, and not only that, but is judged and ridiculed by others for it.

If you are happy with your life, great. No need to shit on other people then.

Every woman I know who is like this is low in confidence and self esteem

I think that's probably a very valid statement.

If you are happy with your life, great. No need to shit on other people then

I think this isn't. I'm not sure it's shitting on someone to post it's not healthy. The op has not been offensive. So no need to be offensive to her.

I'm also not sure it's about the woman becoming an accessory Becayse the kids and husband came first, more the woman often decides to focus on them to the exclusion of everything else, which slowly erodes her confidence and self esteem because seldom do the kids and husband want to be the sole and unending focus. Unless your in an abusive relationship, no one likes that.

It's discomfiting to be on the receiving end of it. And of course it then negatively impacts how the husband and kids treat the woman in the long run. They want to get away. And then her self confidence and self esteem dies.

All in a rather vicious circle, but one that there is an element of personal responsibility for at the begining at least.

The thing is, I know many older people who have had excellent careers, go on many holidays and have absorbing hobbies. But they still want the company of dcs and dgc. Hang out with any elderly people and you will find that the conversation quickly becomes a top trumps of how much time they spend with their family.

I agree. I know people who have done it and suffered massively from empty nest syndrome. They felt a massive sense of loneliness and as though their life lacked a purpose when their DC flew the nest. I find this very sad indeed. I’ve always found it important to maintain a career and (slight) social life since I had children.

But they still want the company of dcs and dgc

Well everyone wants this, unless something is very wrong. It's totally naturally to want the company of your family. The issue arises when that is all the company you have and as such it becomes a duty visit.

I think this is a good thread, as because if someone recognises themselves, or recognises they have the potential to become that person, it may help them reach out and re focus. I think it's easy to isolate yourself, especially if you're a stay at home mum and don't have many friends to start with.

If your confidence or self esteem is low, it becomes harder and harder to break the cycle.

Yes potentially 18 years... I don't see it as a sacrifice, just a different time of life. You can still enjoy life. And you can still have an active, sociable life when they've gone. I don't get this post either tbh

That’s really depressing to read. Who wants to become one of ‘those’ mothers who have no life?

No empty nest for me, I can’t bloody wait. They’ve already been told I’m downsizing when they’ve flown the nest so they can’t come back

I can't read anymore. All the wrong there, they're and theirs.

I think it's daft to just live for your children but I also think it's weird when people have a child/children then go on and on about how they couldn't possibly be 'just' a mum or lose their 'identity' ! Or feel being labelled a mum is somehow demeaning .

I doubt anyone wants to be one of those mothers Gamer. But I suspytgere are people who actually can’t help it. What about people with no friends or family? Who else do they have in their lives other than their dc and husband?

Pils are/were like that and when mil died she had 8 people who knew her at her funeral 2 hadn’t seen her in 20+ years and 3 were acquaintances. When fil goes he’ll just have me and dh there. They lived for dh.

Oh bless him...

I read a thread on here yesterday - the OP was refusing to attend a friend's wedding without her child as 'we come as a family'.

Surely it's possible - if not desirable - for all members of a family to go off and live their own little lives, then come back together again.

I used to work with someone who chose to switch to permanent night shifts so that she could get up and follow her teenage son every lunchtime, when he walked from school to the local shop with his friends.

God know what she'll do when he wants to grow up and move out...

I doubt anyone wants to be one of those mothers Gamer. But I suspytgere are people who actually can’t help it

Can’t help what? An actual can’t help it applies to so few things. The rest is a choice. It’s unhealthily to rely on your kids so much where your funeral is woefully unattended. How many adult kids have felt a smite relieved in those situations?

I will never burden my kids like that. We bring them into the world and guide them/shape them for their own lives and they won’t attend my funeral knowing all I had was them. Life is short.

For every child that thinks their parents were overly invested, I would wager that there are many more who would have liked more attention/affection from their parents. It's all a balance and each child and family is different.

I read a lot of responses on this thread and feel like there are many that value their independence and sense of identity. Great, I hope that works out well for you and your family, but please don't ridicule or feel sorry for those who have a more family orientated approach. It's not necessarily sad or unhealthy to make family the focus of your life, in fact I would say to the contrary it's natural, especially where young children are involved.

I think what I do agree with though is that we all need to adjust our approach and focus as we progress through the seasons of our life. I don't believe retaining your full sense of independence and youthful selfishness is a great idea when you have babies and young children. I do think part of being a parent is making sacrifices for the good of your children when they need you so much. Equally i believe parents should be encouraging children to be independent and have their own lives as they grow and mature.

Finally some people without children don't have many friends and are perfectly content. Don't assume a well attended funeral is indicative of a life well lived.

I used to work with someone whose life was her children. The days usually went like this:

Arrived late after dropping children to nursery/school/wherever
Call husband to discuss how the drop off went
Call mother to tell her about drop off and husband
Print a gazillion colouring/activity/craft sheets for children on office printer
Call nursery to ask after children
Call husband to update on children
Call mother to update on husband and children
Does some form of light admin work while telling anyone in range what her precious darlings did in the time frame since we last saw her.
Starts the round robin calls/updates again.
Goes home on the dot, despite the late starts.

I ended up blocking her on FB as her droning on and on and on about her kids with photos of their every waking moment would be shared and everyone she'd ever met tagged in them (incl my friends so I'd then see them) to ensure they all saw the pics too.

I have no earthly idea what she will do when they grow up and move out. She'll be a husk of a woman.

Oh very well said @Bumpitybumper!

As always there is a balance to be struck. If the family get on well together why not spend lots of time together, if you like spending time with your children when they are little why not do that? It doesn’t follow that you won’t then be able to go out and meet new friends and acquire new interests. My parents were very family orientated, we grew up, moved out and abroad (so visits were less frequent) and they enjoyed each others company and did everything together. When my dad died at 82 and my mum (a few years younger) was left alone I worried she’d be lonely, but she’s gone out and made a new set of friends, joined clubs and found new interests. She’s still really enjoying life - certainly not sitting at home and pining. I think you can put your heart and soul into your family and still go on to enjoy life when the nest is empty.

So what if you have no friends and no family? What are you meant to do? Pretend to your dc you do and pay mourners to attend your funeral to keep up a front?

Pils ran business together from home and had no family. DH was all they had. It was very sad and i felt for all of them, but it was how they felt happy. Of course they made gradual choices down the line but if you aren't sociable and don't work with people how would you meet friends? (i know i have found it really hard despite attending various gyms, night courses, toddler groups etc)

Pils life would have been like that had they had DH or not btw.

At the moment i am living for my young dc and I'm right in the thick of it so i find it hard to imagine a time where that wouldn't be the case. But i would never want to be with them like pils are/were with dh. We are dreading when Fil dies. It's a huge burden on DH.

My parents are the opposite and I'd hate to be like them too.

The other issue I have is that DH has no friends. I have only school gate mums to say hello to and have the odd lunch/cuppa. I am really close to my parents and when they die i wont have anyone. I spent my 40th birthday out for dinner with my Mum. Which is really bloody sad.

There's a large range of normal social needs and that's fine. The problem is when a person becomes too dependent on another to fulfill those needs, be it their children, partner etc. Being too dependent on living through your children is a particular burden because it's a relationship that should change and evolve from a totally dependent baby to being an adult with autonomy in their life. Even when adults continue to live at home, within reasonable house rules they should have the freedom and independence to live their own life.

Being a parent's emotional crutch is very damaging to that child's relationships.

Having lost a parent in childhood and growing up with a parent adjusting to fairly early widowhood, and being supported by a network of friends, it was always important to me to spread my needs. As much as I love DH and the DCs, there is plenty of family time as well as chance to develop our own interests and networks. In the absence of local family support, those friendship networks are very valuable.

I'm currently a SAHM because I feel it's best for our family's needs, but maintaining my own interests is healthy for me and the DCs, that they understand that their DM is a person with needs beyond fulfilling theirs.
Our way is certainly not the only way, a more self-contained family approach is fine as long as it doesn't go into the realms of emotional dependency.

There's so many DM/ MiL threads where there is too much of this emotional burdening.

It's difficult for people with very young children to imagine what it will be like when their children are adult. When you are deep in the swamps of small childhood, they ARE your life. The problem comes when the apron strings don't loosen as those children get older. They will see their lives as normal, they will never know what it's like to have parents that don't come to job interviews with them, or buy their clothes for them when they are forty. They will be prevented from having a life by their clingy parents, but they often don't realise what life they are missing out on, until their parents die.

UrgentScurryfunge, completely agree -'being a parent's emotional crutch is very damaging to that child's relationships'. I've been through this myself with my parents over the last year or so.

I'm 25, finished uni a couple of years ago and still live near my uni town, an hour from my DPs. I'm training to be a teacher and have been with DP for nearly two years, live near him in his hometown but not yet together. My parents hate it! They have hated that I don't now have the time or brain capacity to just drop everything for them and they can't fathom that I'm independent now.

It's really sad, because this should be a happy and exciting part of my life, a new chapter with DP, and in an ideal world I'd have liked my parents to be more involved but that can't happen if they continue to be manipulative and try to guilt-trip me into spending more time with them.

My dad has some hobbies out of the house and my mum works part-time and has a big role in the community too (don't want to be too identifying). They dropped the bombshell in September that my mum has MS, but we've since found out that she wasn't diagnosed then (which they pretended) but over four years ago - I knew straightaway that it was going to be used as another stick to beat me with, but that's what they're like.

Surely the good thing about kids is that they don't demand a constant amount of effort till they get to 18, at which point they disappear?

On the one hand, I think some people use this idea that you 'shouldn't live life through your kids' as license to shake them off at any opportunity. On the other, I do think some people dissolve into their children so much of themselves that they are lost when they leave.

But the vast majority of people manage to operate in-between the two extremes.

i read an article a while back on Covert incest which i think also touches on the extreme end of using children as your emotional support.

Dont do it OP. I was insistant I wouldnt and never have.

Me and DH have date night once a week. We both have a day every other weekend to ourselves to do as we please- I usually go out with friends, DH usually plays golf. Whoever doesnt get a day out that weekend gets a lie in on a Sunday. We go on night outs as and when we can and have a couples weekend away for both our birthdays.

Sunday is our family day- we usually go out for the day and then get a takeaway and watch a movie.

I have 4 children at all different stages- DD 18, DS 13, DS 2 and DD who is 8 months old.

Certainly enjoy them being tiny because it doesnt last long- but please have your own life.

The other issue I have is that DH has no friends. I have only school gate mums to say hello to and have the odd lunch/cuppa. I am really close to my parents and when they die i wont have anyone. I spent my 40th birthday out for dinner with my Mum. Which is really bloody sad

Your kids are young. There comes a point where they start to pull away from you and you can spread your wings a bit more. The mistake is not letting your kids develop a part of their life that you don’t have input in and relying on them well into adulthood.

I deliberately kept my hand in the outside world. Even if it was a little cleaning job twice a week and 3 hours in total at one point. As they got older it got easier to look at what I really wanted to do and that contact with the outside world got wider and social life kicked in.

My 40th was a shit affair as well but my 50th won’t be. This doesn’t have to be your lot.