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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my husband to pay back a loan

61 replies

Smilewhileyoucan · 11/05/2018 21:52

My husband has had debts that go way back before I met him, I initially helped pay them off (before we were married) using my savings which he sometimes paid back but more often than not didn't although he did pay for a lot of nice meals out and gifts etc..(he was earning more than me at the time) Every time I paid a debt, there was always more round the corner (we're talking several thousand pounds here each time). When I met him he owned a flat, we sold this and bought a bigger place together and then got married but unknown to me, he had loads of debt and in reality couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on a bigger place. We have since sold that and he used all the money he put in (plus my money) and profit from the sale to pay off his debt. I then received a considerable sum of money from a share in a house that was sold - since then my husband has expected me to pay for everything including more of his debt. I have tried to ask him to save a bit each month but he says he doesn't have to because I have enough (he works full time and I manage my work around the kids who are both at school - not by choice but he has also been very reluctant to reduce his work hours, even though I earn more). He suggested being a stay at home dad but said I would have to pay him an allowance if he was going to look after the kids full time. He told me about another debt a few years ago and I agreed to pay it off after years of nagging but only if he paid me back a certain amount each month - is this being unreasonable - to expect a husband to pay his wife back a loan? Needless to say, six months on he hasn't paid anything back

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 11/05/2018 21:55

YANBU.
How do you know if he's taken out more debt expecting you to clear it?

He needs to get debt advice that does not involve you bailing him out again.

LuluBellaBlue · 11/05/2018 21:57

This sounds like an addiction. It’s not normal behaviour. Sorry OP Flowers

Bambamber · 11/05/2018 21:57

He sounds like a freeloader that will keep getting into debt as he knows you will pay it off for him

Fishface77 · 11/05/2018 21:57

Ffs why are you even bothering?
This will never end.
Walk while you’ve still got a little bit of money left.
Why are you letting him lead you on?

JustGettingStarted · 11/05/2018 21:57

I think you should sit on your money and be careful about separating your finances because you may end up divorced and penniless.

JustGettingStarted · 11/05/2018 21:58

And I don't think he should become a stay at home parent - he needs to keep earning.

Lest you become divorced and penniless and paying maintenence.

ImNotMeImSomeoneElse · 11/05/2018 22:00

Sorry, but I would not be putting up with that. He's using you.

cocodomingo · 11/05/2018 22:00

This sounds like a recipe for disaster and tbh i wouldnt have told him about the house sale due to his past history with debt. Tell him you are investing in the kids future and ensure he can not access you funds..perhaps put in child trust funds but he needs to be accountable for his own debt however he racks it up

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 11/05/2018 22:00

He is financially irresponsible and you will end up in debt too at this rate.
What are these debts caused by?
Gambling? Flash cars?

Singlenotsingle · 11/05/2018 22:02

Sounds like he's taking you for a ride. "I can just carry on borrowing money, running up debts. My dopey wife will carry on bailing me out. She always does".

ichbineinstasumer · 11/05/2018 22:05

I'm sorry but you have to get away from this situation, leave DH. He repeatedly gets into debt and he also conceals the debt from you, he also says he will repay but doesn't. You will continue carrying the financial burden in this relationship. You need to take some advice on the position if you were to divorce and then probably go through with the divorce. Cut your losses.

SaltyPeanut · 11/05/2018 22:05

Sorry to say it but you have a world class moocher on your hands.
You are not responsible for his debts. Stop paying them off for him, he doesn't even sound grateful, just keeps expecting more of your money.

You seriously need to tell him to fuck off and demand your money back.

I have never said this before but I'd LTB before he bankrupts you.

Smilewhileyoucan · 11/05/2018 22:06

He hasn't got any debts now (because I paid them off!) but he is refusing to pay back the last loan I paid off (which I did on the understanding that this time he would pay it back as i was fed up of him taking money) and says he doesn't have to because we are married... and says I am unreasonable as couples share everything both bad and good. His debts have been caused by poor budgeting really - if it was gambling or flash cars it would be easier to understand but he is over generous and cannot save, even on a good salary.

OP posts:
welshmist · 11/05/2018 22:08

My friend had a husband like this overly generous and bad with money, she now handles his salary and he gets pocket money. It has worked for them.

GaspingGekko · 11/05/2018 22:16

My DH is hopeless with money. Just before we got married he admitted he had debt and gave an estimate of the total - turned out to actually be three times that amount when he properly added them all up.
I had enough savings to cover the debts so paid them off to avoid the interest.
We married, moved in together and he paid more rent than me for a year or so to pay it all back.
So for me, yes he should pay you back. However I guess it depends how your finances work. If all money is joint money then it's not so clear that he should repay. If, like us, you have joint money and then personal money then absolutely he should pay you back.

Singlenotsingle · 11/05/2018 22:17

It's easy to be over generous with other people's money

LanaorAna2 · 11/05/2018 22:28

And he wants to give up work...

missymayhemsmum · 11/05/2018 22:44

Not sure if I understand here, you have separate finances but are married, you earn more than your husband and have also had more assets. He spends more than he earns and runs up debt. What is he spending it on? How do you share the expenses? Is he actually financing the family's lifestyle on credit cards while you save 'your' money?

missymayhemsmum · 11/05/2018 22:46

It's interesting to see how few people are taking the 'if you are married and have kids all money is family money' line tonight!

BrendasUmbrella · 11/05/2018 22:58

If the childcare thing was isolated, then yes, why not speak about him being a SAHP. And an allowance would be more manageable with him than having joint accounts (because good god no!) But you have a much larger problem. It might be worth getting some legal advice on how much a divorce would cost you. It would probably be much cheaper now than in ten years...

Allthewaves · 11/05/2018 23:24

Tbh in don't see the point if him paying back the loan as such as you are married and if separated wouldn't savings have to be split down the middle. I would be encouraging him to save each month. But you also need to draw a line, I would say more debt and you pack his bags. I would want full access to his online credit file so make sure. He has to earn trust now

Smilewhileyoucan · 11/05/2018 23:27

DH doesn't pay for any family expenses, I paid all the childcare when we had a childminder (his reasoning being I decided to go back to work full time), I pay for holidays, school fees etc, he pays gas plus council tax, we are currently renting and he hasn't paid a penny towards this in four years (he agreed to contribute to rent before we moved in but then 'revealed' another debt of 15k and said he couldn't afford to pay any rent unless I paid the debt off)

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 11/05/2018 23:27

BTW the best thing that happened to my OH was becoming a sahd. He got the food shopping money and spending money (we had same amount). I paid all the bills from my account by direct debit. It gave OH breathing room and took away temptation to spend.

Even OH is back working he still keeps small amount if wages and transfers rest to me

Allthewaves · 11/05/2018 23:29

Op sounds very badly balanced.

Allthewaves · 11/05/2018 23:29

Sorry that's clear as mud - finances are badly balanced