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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my husband to pay back a loan

61 replies

Smilewhileyoucan · 11/05/2018 21:52

My husband has had debts that go way back before I met him, I initially helped pay them off (before we were married) using my savings which he sometimes paid back but more often than not didn't although he did pay for a lot of nice meals out and gifts etc..(he was earning more than me at the time) Every time I paid a debt, there was always more round the corner (we're talking several thousand pounds here each time). When I met him he owned a flat, we sold this and bought a bigger place together and then got married but unknown to me, he had loads of debt and in reality couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on a bigger place. We have since sold that and he used all the money he put in (plus my money) and profit from the sale to pay off his debt. I then received a considerable sum of money from a share in a house that was sold - since then my husband has expected me to pay for everything including more of his debt. I have tried to ask him to save a bit each month but he says he doesn't have to because I have enough (he works full time and I manage my work around the kids who are both at school - not by choice but he has also been very reluctant to reduce his work hours, even though I earn more). He suggested being a stay at home dad but said I would have to pay him an allowance if he was going to look after the kids full time. He told me about another debt a few years ago and I agreed to pay it off after years of nagging but only if he paid me back a certain amount each month - is this being unreasonable - to expect a husband to pay his wife back a loan? Needless to say, six months on he hasn't paid anything back

OP posts:

Motoko · 12/05/2018 09:12

Why don't you do a credit check on him, to make sure he's not hiding any more debt?

But the thing is, as you're married, all assets are assets of the marriage, so technically, it doesn't matter who pays the debts, it all comes from the same pot, so to speak.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 12/05/2018 09:21

So he earns a decent amount and won’t pay for a thing, while resenting your choice to keep working? No wonder you have to keep working! (Unless of course you are actually sitting on vast sums from the house sale that would save you both needing to work.) tell him you want him to set up a direct debit to come out of his account at the start of the month before he’s spent everything, for enough to cover half the family expenses. What on Earth can he be spending a full time salary on if he has no expenses at all?

PoshPenny · 12/05/2018 09:21

This doesn't sound good OP, he'll bleed you dry given enough time. I think it's perfect reasonable to expect him to pay you back after bailing him out for the umpteenth time. You should seriously consider your future with him IMO

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 12/05/2018 09:25

This doesn’t sound like a partnership.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 12/05/2018 09:27

Oh, I misread, I thought he earned more than you but you say that was only initially. Work out the total cost of all your bills, and split them according to your incomes, 60/40 or whatever is needed. Insist on his paying this as a minimum and refuse to use the remaining savings for any day to day expenses - you need to keep these for house deposit or rainy days!

Thebluedog · 12/05/2018 09:27

I think you need to find out why he’s running up these debts.

I can understand why it’s difficult, when you have debt, and things get out of hand. But you’ve paid them off for him several times, so he will have had periods where he’s earning and not having to pay his debts off.

What is he them spending which involves running up large debts?

Sounds like he has a problem and you’re enabling him by bailing him out every time. By the sounds of things you’d have been able to pay off a mortgage with the amount you’ve paid off for him

Melliegrantfirstlady · 12/05/2018 09:33

You are being a door mat.

Tbh he is using you for money, you have allowed it and if you don’t put your foot down he will continue.

How awful that you owned these properties and had all this money but it’s all gone on his debts and you are now in rented.

Your kids are in private school? You must have a responsible job please look at your relationship from your professional point of view and start being firm with your husband.

For a start demand a larger percent of his salary for household costs

Be strong you can do this

Jamiefraserskilt · 12/05/2018 09:36

Wow. This is not good. You say he wants you to pay the childcare costs because you decided to go back to work. Arse. Are these his kids? Why is it you cover a disproportionate amount of all cost including his debt but the household income is not joint? You are not being unreasonable to expect him to pay you back. He agreed and is rescinding. It is time to separate finances.
Sit down and work out all costs. Add a holiday fund and an emergency fund. Then proportionate income. For instance if he earns 25% more than you then he takes 25% more of the bills. Then ensure this is put into a bills account. Then anything left is your individual spends. It is about time he stuck to his own argument and stopped moving goalposts to suit himself. If he gets into debt again he is on his own.

Maelstrop · 12/05/2018 09:38

So you pay all the rent and any childminding expenses? He is a cf freeloader. You need to sort this out, OP. He’s taking the piss big time.

snewname · 12/05/2018 09:55

Are you certain there are no other debts he is yet to tell you about? The transparency is a big problem but all money in my eyes should be family money and it should be agreed together how it is spent. It seems very messed up.

KTheGrey · 12/05/2018 10:05

This is a nightmare. I would want to get him to couples' counselling because you and he are not remotely in agreement about what money is for in a family. And his spending sounds like an addiction of some kind.

Of course, I would also be seeing a financial adviser/ solicitor, to separate finances, because you need to ensure you are not responsible for his debts. Enough is enough.

So sorry this is happening to you ☕💐

NewIdeasToday · 12/05/2018 10:09

Where is his money actually going as it sounds like you pay for everything?

Could he be a secret gambler?

BlueSuffragette · 12/05/2018 10:21

Do you love him? Sounds like he is taking advantage of you. How do you really know he isn't running up more debts as he knows you'll pay them? You could get to a point where you are in danger of this getting seriously out of control. What is his credit rating? Be careful.

Sunshinegirl82 · 12/05/2018 10:29

What exactly does he do OP? He just sounds like a massive drain. I'd seek legal advice ASAP about what the position would be if you split up.

This man has no respect for you and lies to your face. He knew full well that he had no intention of contributing to the rent. He sounds awful.

PrancingQueen · 12/05/2018 10:37

Have you seen evidence of all this debt? Is there a chance he could be just squirrelling the money away somewhere?

If not he’s got a serious problem. I’d want complete transparency and for him to see a debt counsellor - there is no way I could live like this. But the worst thing is his arrogance and lack of appreciation. He sees you as some kind of meal ticket.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 12/05/2018 10:38

What the fuck! Read your post back, OP. He is bleeding you dry. He has no incentive to ever sort himself out or stop accruing debt because the magic money tree resolves it. It's not even financial abuse because you are willingly giving it to him with full knowledge that he will just do it over and over again.

This isn't the odd tenner before payday we're talking about here, it sounds like you could have got a mortgage or a year of university tuition for your child from what you've given him to fund his lifestyle.

It's funny how your money is 'marital money' when it comes to paying his debt, but when it comes to you wanting some of the money back it becomes 'his' money.

He is taking you for an absolute mug and will continue to do so for as long as you let him. If being with him is worth thousands of pounds of expenditure on a regular basis then crack on, keep things as they are.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/05/2018 11:05

You are married so everything is jointly owned. His debts are your debts, your money is his money. Be careful who you marry!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/05/2018 11:56

he agreed to contribute to rent before we moved in but then 'revealed' another debt of 15k and said he couldn't afford to pay any rent unless I paid the debt off

With a decent person, prior debts are something you talk about before entering into financial agreements

Personally I'd walk away while I'd still got something to walk away with ... though even then, he'd probably "reveal" yet more when it came to splitting the money up

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/05/2018 12:01

He suggested being a stay at home dad but said I would have to pay him an allowance if he was going to look after the kids full time

And why would he need an "allowance" to look after his own children?

Fruitcorner123 · 12/05/2018 12:07

sorry but I think there is a secret how can anyone get into that much debt without either having loads of flash belingings and loads of nights out. my guess would be gambling.

to be fair if he was a stay at home dad you would need to make sure he had access to some money otherwise how would he love?

I would be very worried in your situation and would be looking at separating my finances from his. you certainly need to make it clear you are not bailing him out of anymore debt and he is on his own. I think that you will have to say goodbye to the money he owes you. He isn't going to suddenly become responsible with money and pay it back. Just don't pay off any more of his debts.

Beaverhausen · 12/05/2018 12:14

Omg OP! Why are you in this marriage is it really worth staying with a man who has clearly not benefited your life and is a financial drain.

It is only going to get worse unless you make a decision and no change. As been said you are a doormat to him, he clearly has no respect for you or your futures.

PositivelyPERF · 12/05/2018 12:17

You know that once you run out of money or have no job, he will dump you for the next gravy train, don’t you, OP? He’s a selfish prick and I bet he never goes without his treats, fancy clothes, hobbies, etc.

elessar · 12/05/2018 12:22

Does he have any redeeming qualities OP?

I find this whole situation so baffling. He doesn't want you to work full time yet he expects you to fund everything? Why on earth are you funding everything - he isn't paying off debts as you've already paid them off so what is he doing with his money?

I can't understand why you would accept this situation.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 12/05/2018 12:23

I call cocklodger.

LTB.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 12/05/2018 12:31

You are married so everything is jointly owned. His debts are your debts, your money is his money. Be careful who you marry!

Where are you getting this from?

If I'm married and I take out a credit card in my own name, that debt remains mine, it's nothing to do with my husband. Otherwise people who are married would be extremely vulnerable as their spouse could take out any old loan, credit card etc in their name and their spouse would somehow be jointly responsible :S

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