MIL and my last name

[HurtyAtThirty]

I’ll try and keep this short and sweet.
I’ve been married for almost 7 years, I’ve got a busy career and I’ve always got the impression my MIL thinks I should be at home being the dutiful wife, examples of this would be declaring “it must be nice to have a home cooked meal for once” when we went over for dinner....because obviously my DH has to forage for food in the bins if I’m not there to prepare a meal from scratch of an evening.
So anyway my issue, my MIL constantly sends things addressed to me as Mrs ‘DH last name’, no problem except that’s not my name. When we got married I double barrelled my name, that’s the name on all my social media which she has access to so not sure why she seems to insist on calling me by the wrong name. This has been ongoing for 7 years! At first I joked with DH and asked him to tell her that wasn’t my name, we don’t have the type of relationship where I could address this to her face if I’m honest. Tomorrow if my birthday, card arrives addressed to the wrong name, DH makes a joke of it and I tell him I shan’t be opening it as it’s not addressed to me (petty I know but I’m pregnant and pissed off and I’m done playing nicely). DH told me to stop being so angry....red flag to a bull, I asked him how he would like it if my family addressed him by my maiden name!
Now despite me repeatedly saying can he please remind his mother that is not my name DH is now claiming he doesn’t think she’s aware she’s making a mistake.
AIBU to be pissed off he’s basically ignored my previous requests and hasn’t taken into consideration how it makes me feel to have my choice of name disregarded so easily (by both of them). And AIBU to make him tell his mother tomorrow when they speak that it isn’t my name and to stop sending things addressed as such (like I say not the kind of relationship where I can say something without being slated behind my back or it being taken the wrong way)

Sorry that turned into an essay!!!!!

orangewater33 I try to see the good points, but it’s hard when a woman sees you in your wedding dress (at a fitting you have specially driven 3 hours for her to be included) and remarks “I suppose it looks ok” and then goes on to insult one of the bridesmaids by telling her she’ll never lose her baby weight (6weeks post partum). Then tells you you can’t wear the shoes you want to wear on the big day as you will be taller than her son, and goes on to insinuate because you are Irish your wedding will be a gypsy one “like on the telly” AND then insults your parents by asking why everything has to be in my hometown and why DH name isn’t first on the wedding invites (we were lucky enough that my DP paid for our wedding).
We had no issues until we got engaged, then all of a sudden the comments started. By all means I don’t think the majority of them are malicious, my ILs lack a lot of social skills imo, but I would rather not start a family dispute when I’m not exactly the most favoured person in the world (not only am I shoddy wife I also made their son move 3 hours away). So I prefer to let my husband deal with them, they are his family to sort, just like I would deal with mine in a similar situation (not that I would need to, my DP and DH have the type of relationship built on mutual respect where you can be honest and disagree without being called from pillar to post)

And yes it is my bday today , DD had me up at 6:45, but she had my DH up before 6am so I think I’m doing better than him today hehe.

And I had a frank discussion with DH in the early hours explaining how I felt and how much it meant to me, especially how hurt I was that he didn’t see it as an issue. He has taken this on board and has agreed to face the lions and broach the matter with his mum.

Thank you for your support ladies

I agee you have a dh problem. I used to go spare about some of the disrespectful shit my mil used to pull. Then she discovered the comceesations she was having with him about arrangdmsnts wasnt being passed to me, so to me it looked like she was making demands etc. She now always goes through me.

We've been together 15 years not married, his family still put Mr & Mrs His surname on cards/invites. His SIL introduced me to her mum as 'this is LillyLeaf, his er erm, this is LillyLeaf' it was quite funny, she couldn't think of a word for what I was.

I changed my name after marriage-and my MIL insists on referring to me by my maiden name several years later. We get on well but I do think it's her way of subtly telling me I'm not really part of the family...

Happy birthday

Sorry but she sounds nasty enough to be kept away from DC though I bet she pretends to be nice around them.

Could you point us to the legal framework for your claim, Ms whatshallido?

This makes me laugh. I have s wonderful mil who I genuinely love deeply. But the name is a real bone on contention! From the day we got married she’s been calling ‘mrs xxxx’ that’s not my name. I’ve not changed my name. She tells me it is my name and the minute I married it is my name. iTS not my name!!!!! I could choose to be called it but it’s not my name and never will be. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Just try to ignore it.

Who did she address the card to?

My friend's MIL was like this. Friend sent all wrongly addressed mail back "Not known at this address". When the MIL died, other ILs continued to send her mail addressed to the wrong name, friend wrote "Deceased" on the envelopes and sent them back (well, it was her MIL's name and she was dead).

Start calling her Ms Herbirthsurname instead. At every opportunity.

Although, OPs MIL seems several shades worse than the usual patriarchy upholder obsessives. She's kind of racist, for a start.

You have my sympathy.

It gives me stabby rage. I'm married having been previously married.

My kids were double barreled and I took ex husband's name so we all went with that at the time which was ok.

Then divorced, over the years one by one the kids went from doubling to mainly using my name (it is a lovely Irish surname and their dads is boring!).
All good. Then I marry a man who has children who have his name. Wait... if I change mine, it'll be same as his kids and different to my kids - nope!!!
So I am Miss Operaha and he is Mr husband and that's that, we're all happy.

Except no, even my own sister recently said "but your name is Mr Husband" wtf? I never announced a name change, haven't changed it on social media, nothing but we got loads of Christmas cards in his name, invites, I hate it, really grates on me!!!

Happy birthday 🎂 I’m glad he has listened to you now.

My MIL told me, in stoney stern tone, that children need their father’s name. This was because our DC are double barrelled the same as me.

But SIL didn’t use her DC father’s name because—his wife objected— she decided not to. This is okay, but I’m BU to give our DC my name as well as DH’s

Tell your MIL that it is clearly causing confusion and change your name back to your maiden name and use your name for your children to save confusion in the future.

The way I see it you have 2 options:

1. Call her Jeff every time you see her and in all correspondence. When she queries it say "oh, I'm just joining in with the little joke you have of calling people by the wrong name, it's SO funny
2. Say you've made an appointment with her GP on her behalf as she's clearly going senile. She can't remember simple things like a name and it's starting to worry the whole family. Then every time she gets your name wrong in future say "There, I KNEW it, there's proof of your senility again."

Hopefully one or the other (or both) will resolve the issue.