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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and my last name

89 replies

HurtyAtThirty · 11/05/2018 21:49

I’ll try and keep this short and sweet.
I’ve been married for almost 7 years, I’ve got a busy career and I’ve always got the impression my MIL thinks I should be at home being the dutiful wife, examples of this would be declaring “it must be nice to have a home cooked meal for once” when we went over for dinner....because obviously my DH has to forage for food in the bins if I’m not there to prepare a meal from scratch of an evening.
So anyway my issue, my MIL constantly sends things addressed to me as Mrs ‘DH last name’, no problem except that’s not my name. When we got married I double barrelled my name, that’s the name on all my social media which she has access to so not sure why she seems to insist on calling me by the wrong name. This has been ongoing for 7 years! At first I joked with DH and asked him to tell her that wasn’t my name, we don’t have the type of relationship where I could address this to her face if I’m honest. Tomorrow if my birthday, card arrives addressed to the wrong name, DH makes a joke of it and I tell him I shan’t be opening it as it’s not addressed to me (petty I know but I’m pregnant and pissed off and I’m done playing nicely). DH told me to stop being so angry....red flag to a bull, I asked him how he would like it if my family addressed him by my maiden name!
Now despite me repeatedly saying can he please remind his mother that is not my name DH is now claiming he doesn’t think she’s aware she’s making a mistake.
AIBU to be pissed off he’s basically ignored my previous requests and hasn’t taken into consideration how it makes me feel to have my choice of name disregarded so easily (by both of them). And AIBU to make him tell his mother tomorrow when they speak that it isn’t my name and to stop sending things addressed as such (like I say not the kind of relationship where I can say something without being slated behind my back or it being taken the wrong way)

Sorry that turned into an essay!!!!!

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 11/05/2018 23:42

She’s only doing it to piss you off . Don’t give her the pleasure.

AnneProtheroe · 11/05/2018 23:51

Your maiden name is your dads surname. Just to clear up any "my name is my name but I won't take my husbands name" bollocks.

GorgonLondon · 11/05/2018 23:54

Anne Oh that's interesting. So the name I've had since I was born isn't my name?

PositivelyPERF · 12/05/2018 00:02

I can’t remember what program I was watching, but an older gentleman was saying that as he and his wife both kept their names, they had discuss what to do if they had children. They agreed that the fairest thing to do, was to give the girls the mother’s name and the boys the father’s name. I actually thought that was quite good.

CarysMa · 12/05/2018 00:07

AnneProtheroe, it's hardly surprising that people consider the name they were raised with their name.

BackforGood · 12/05/2018 00:09

YABVU to let her use a wrong name for you, for 7 years !?!? without correcting her.
Of course you should have said something every time she makes the mistake. Difficult to be sympathetic if you didn't say something to her the 1st time, and the 2nd, and the 3rd...................... as to why you wouldn't.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 12/05/2018 00:15

Regardless of what you call yourself, you are Mrs husband's last name

dubmumof2 · 12/05/2018 00:17

AnneProtheroe ??? But her husband's name is his father's name....Why is it "bollocks" that she prefers to keep her fathers name that has been hers for thirty years over taking her husband's father's name......

AdoraBell · 12/05/2018 00:18

My ILs are the same OP, and the cards are signed off with “DH’s Mum and Dad”.

Last Xmas they did an e voucher for my present. No problem with that, the voucher says “To Adora, happy Xmas from and DH’s Mum and Dad”

They know I have kept my name but they refuse to use it. DH has spoken to them and they tell him it’s disrespectful.

SenecaFalls · 12/05/2018 00:20

Your maiden name is your dads surname.

So what? It's still my name. However I got it, why should I be expected to change it when I married? DH also got his name from his father. Why should I be expected to change the name that I share with my father for the name DH shares with his?

SenecaFalls · 12/05/2018 00:22

Regardless of what you call yourself, you are Mrs husband's last name

No, I am not. I am not Mrs. I am Ms.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 12/05/2018 00:22

The whole "your surname is actually not yours, it's your Dad's" is total bollocks. My eyes are the same colour as my Dad's, but nobody claims that they are not really my eyes and therefore I should change them to my DH's eye colour. I was given three names at birth, including a surname, and all of those names are mine. Other people, both related and unrelated to me, have the same surname, it doesn't make the surname any less mine.

Petitepamplemousse · 12/05/2018 00:23

She is being absurd and ridiculous, but still smile and ignore. You’re the bigger person. She wants a reaction m.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 12/05/2018 00:28

I understand why some people are saying "Get your DH to tell her". Because the usual MN mantra with MIL problems is this isn't a MIL problem, this is a DH problem

And I think this is the case here. So I disagree with those posters who are telling you to talk to her yourself.

This issue here is (to me) less your MIL refusing to accept your name, and far more your DH refusing to recognise this is an issue.

I don't think you're being U to be upset either by her refusal to use your name nor his refusal to understand it from your point of view enough to defend you. Both of those are valid reasons for you to be upset (imho)

The bit from your OP I disagreed with was:
And AIBU to make him tell his mother tomorrow when they speak
Because I don't think you should (if you even could) "make" him.

However, I do think (esp in your pregnant state) that you should have a conversation with your DH which leads to him understanding fully how you feel and him to take some action to redress this.

And - am I right? - is it your bday? Happy birthday, Hurty!

tillytown · 12/05/2018 01:18

Your maiden name is your dads surname. Just to clear up any "my name is my name but I won't take my husbands name" bollocks.
Then her husband's name isn't his either, it's his dad's. But his dad's name wasn't really his as well, it's was his dad's. Oh no, hang on, his dad's dads name belonged to his dads dad's dad, not him. And his belonged to his dad's dads dad's dad! When will this madness end Does anyone even have a real last name anymore

teenagerparent · 12/05/2018 01:58

Your maiden name is your dads surname My maiden name is my mum's surname, she never married my dad and I was never given his surname!

PintOfMineralWater · 12/05/2018 03:02

"Its very outmoded and obviously not right any more, but back in the day strict formality and etiquette in the addressing of letters would be to address every married woman as Mrs (husband's initial) (husband's surname). It's what I was taught too and I'm 50. I don't do it now because the world has moved on, but if she's older it was probably drummed into her to do it that way - particularly if she had secretarial training, as many older women did when they were young."

Come on, that's ridiculous! No one is that rigid in their thinking that they can't remember the format of a family member's name!

Topseyt · 12/05/2018 03:39

I've done plenty of secretarial work and I always try to address people as I understand they wish to be addressed, not by some rigid and outdated format.

I am 51.

Orangewater33 · 12/05/2018 03:52

I just don't understand why to be so petty about the whole thing.
She sent you a card, can you not just open it? can you not just laugh about the whoke thing and be kind with her? Can you find her good points and focus on those? Does it have to be her that you make a big stand with?
Can people not just chill when it comes to family and children and life?
Maybe when she said it's nice to have a home cooked meal for a change she just meant that and that was it. She just meant it was nice to have someone cook the meal.
Why always making with the drama and the starting fights over so little.
Are we not capable of just being adults and letting the small things slide for the bigger picture?

I just don't get it.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 12/05/2018 04:00

Absolutely.... All this bollocks from Victorian relatives saying it's disrespectful not to use your husband's surname...

Utter bollocks! Although it is MASSIVELY disrespectful to continually call someone a name AGAINST their wishes!

I have a very unusual surname... It's the name I'm known by in my work community... My OH name is very common in his home country obvs less so here... I switch between the two.... I use his when I want/need to be more anonymous.... On occasion I use a completely different surname (actually a grandparent's!) so my online persona can't be tied to work...

It all sounds a bit tortuous, it isn't, but many people I know do this... {workong in forensics - where its quite important dangerous people can't find your address easily!}

WomaninGreen · 12/05/2018 04:57

But your original name (maiden name) isn't ncessarily your dad's name anyway, I know a few people who took their mum's name.

So think of it as having a name you choose, on official docs etc and someone's ignoring it.

A pp said her inlaws don't like he first name, is that like "oh I don't want to call you Alicia so I'll call you Ally"? Unacceptable.

WomaninGreen · 12/05/2018 04:59

Orangewater33 seems like you didn't read the posts fully.

Dontforgetyourtowel · 12/05/2018 05:28

I'd call her Beth or Sue or whatever (preferably a name she hates) from now on. If she remarks on it say 'oh you don't want to use my name so I thought you wouldn't mind if I didn't use yours either'. Pretend it's all a big joke but persist. If she gets upset ask why she thinks it's ok to do it to you when she doesn't like it herself. Hopefully she will get the message you are not a doormat. Though you do need your DH on board with this (maybe start calling him by a different name too if he doesn't want to get it!)

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/05/2018 06:02

Dh and I have both double barrelled. It was a joint decision as neither of us wanted me to take just his name so we agreed to join names. My mother addresses post to me with dhs initials (with correct surname). Fil addresses post to all of us with just dhs surname. We’ve been married nearly 20 years. I’m finally coming to terms and start to ignore this lack of respect from both sides. .

Candlelight123 · 12/05/2018 07:54

Either you or DH need to tell her, it's undermining and disrespectful to get your name wrong for 7 years!

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