MIL and my last name

[HurtyAtThirty]

I’ll try and keep this short and sweet.
I’ve been married for almost 7 years, I’ve got a busy career and I’ve always got the impression my MIL thinks I should be at home being the dutiful wife, examples of this would be declaring “it must be nice to have a home cooked meal for once” when we went over for dinner....because obviously my DH has to forage for food in the bins if I’m not there to prepare a meal from scratch of an evening.
So anyway my issue, my MIL constantly sends things addressed to me as Mrs ‘DH last name’, no problem except that’s not my name. When we got married I double barrelled my name, that’s the name on all my social media which she has access to so not sure why she seems to insist on calling me by the wrong name. This has been ongoing for 7 years! At first I joked with DH and asked him to tell her that wasn’t my name, we don’t have the type of relationship where I could address this to her face if I’m honest. Tomorrow if my birthday, card arrives addressed to the wrong name, DH makes a joke of it and I tell him I shan’t be opening it as it’s not addressed to me (petty I know but I’m pregnant and pissed off and I’m done playing nicely). DH told me to stop being so angry....red flag to a bull, I asked him how he would like it if my family addressed him by my maiden name!
Now despite me repeatedly saying can he please remind his mother that is not my name DH is now claiming he doesn’t think she’s aware she’s making a mistake.
AIBU to be pissed off he’s basically ignored my previous requests and hasn’t taken into consideration how it makes me feel to have my choice of name disregarded so easily (by both of them). And AIBU to make him tell his mother tomorrow when they speak that it isn’t my name and to stop sending things addressed as such (like I say not the kind of relationship where I can say something without being slated behind my back or it being taken the wrong way)

Sorry that turned into an essay!!!!!

The only thing that helped was double barrelling DC's surname. Between marriage and naming DC PIL would cut out articles in newspapers or print them out for me about women changing surnames after refusing to do so previously.

Not helped by BIL's wife keeping her name then changing it. BIL found it very funny to ask me why I didn't want to join the family because it wound his parents up.

They only started using my proper name after DH died. To wait until you lost your husband, then start using your name actually seems particularly cruel. I’m so sorry about your loss. 💐

I'm double barrelled on social media and email (so that friends from my past life can find me and to distinguish myself from other people named Pop Weaz) but not in real life. I really don't think the MIL is to blame if no one ever told her. I think you need to tell her yourself and that your anger should be directed at DH as he obviously doesn't respect your choice to keep your name.

So has your husband ever actually addressed this with his mother? Is she doing this deliberately or unknowingly?

Why don't you tell her?

If he doesn’t think it really matters and he doesn’t think that she knows she’s making a mistake, why would he mind telling her politely about the error. She will, presumably, be a little embarrassed but glad to be able to put it right.
Or he’S being completely disingenuous.

I agree with ellsbells2, why can't you tell your MIL straight instead of waiting around for your DH to do your talking for you?

Tell your family to address him as Mr Hurtyatthirty

At least you double barreled.

I never changed my name, but always get things addressed to
Mrs DH Name
whereas my name is actually
Dr My Name
Its completely different. I find it very disrespectful from family, but tolerate it from school who are basically guessing and don't look at the documents.
Even my parents get it wrong :(

Are you pregnant with your first child? Have you discussed surnames?

PositivelyPERF Thanks, it was all a long time ago now. Weirdly, in-laws were lovely in most other ways, just very set on their thinking.

I was brought up when Mrs was drilled into us as the correct form (and that Mrs indicated you were either dead or divorced, can't remember which, and to use that would be grossly offensive). So despite keeping my own name myself - and obviously if I know what someone prefers I will use that - my gut reaction when I'm not sure is that Mrs is the less likely to cause offence. Early learning of manners runs very deep, and while I try to do what I have learned to be good manners nowadays, inside me my stomach is doing somersaults because my gut is telling me that I'm being rude (according to the norms of my earlier life).

YANBU your DP could just have a word with his mum... doesnt even need to be argumentative, he could just mention 'oh by the way you do know that wifes name is double barrelled and youve been writing it wrong on envelopes?'

Totally reasonable thing to ask him to do.

She won't change after seven years. Way too late to tackle the issue

I never took my ex’s name. I’m my original name on social media at work, passport, driving licence, banks, mortgage, etc. We split up 4 years ago. My mum STILL sends cards to Mrs Ex. Have given up arguing with her. The worst bit is that she knows, because birthday cheques are still written out to Lelly McKelly.

Its very outmoded and obviously not right any more, but back in the day strict formality and etiquette in the addressing of letters would be to address every married woman as Mrs (husband's initial) (husband's surname). It's what I was taught too and I'm 50. I don't do it now because the world has moved on, but if she's older it was probably drummed into her to do it that way - particularly if she had secretarial training, as many older women did when they were young.

So she's not necessarily doing it to get a rise out of you or to be offensive, more that she was taught that is the 'correct' way of letter writing and hasn't moved with the times.

Even before we were married my mother sent my cards to Mrs (dp full name) i’m Actually surprised she doesn’t just call me his name.

My MIL and some of DH’s family ( who im friends with on fb so they see my name...) spell my first name wrong on cards, we’ve been together 13 years... fuck knows

And its not a difficult bloody name!!

I'd throw the cat among the pigeons and drop it into the conversation that you've decided you're only going to give the baby your surname. Dhs name can be a middle name. If she asks why, say it's because people can't seem to remember that you've kept your name so hopefully this will help people remember.

I have a very uncommon surname (compared to DH's very common name). I decided to double barrel too as I'd had my name for 30 years and didn't want to drop it, plus I sort of like it being uncommon. I'm in the same boat as you, but I know it isn't done maliciously so I'm not too bothered. That said, if it really upsets you, you are within your right to challenge it.

Wow so many responses thank you! I’ll try to address everything.

1. DC surname : we already have a DD and she has DH last name, so will DS once he arrives. I’m fine with that, DH is the only son of an only son so he’s the last of his name. No bother to me, I get to use it as a reason to choose very Irish first names for the DC (DH surname is very English). Plus DC are/will be made aware that if they can choose either or surname once old enough to make a choice.

1. MIL watched me sign my deed poll document at my wedding ceremony. Plus I’m fairly certain I’ve dropped into conversation before and after we got married. But we haven’t had a head to head over it.

1. DH talking to his mum : I thought he’d had this conversation, clearly he hasn’t. DH is somewhat of an anomaly in his family; only one who went to uni, only one who owns his own house. We have well paying careers and work hard for all that we have, this has caused issues previously where we have been accused of ignoring his family and thinking we’re better than them. Last year there were some nasty messages sent to DH after a disagreement with his sister, my husband isn’t weak but he hates arguing with his family, he wasn’t raised like that and will do anything for an easy life.

1. My relationship with MIL : I’m not viewed favourably by MIL; I don’t do homemade dinners, I work full time in the city, I balked at her suggestion of quitting my job (at the time I was main earner) and getting a council house after we married so I could be a SAHM and MIL has issues with the fact my DPs see our DD so often (DP live round the corner, ILs live 3 hours away and refuse to drive to see us despite being more able to do so than we are able to get down to them)

exexpat I’m sorry for your loss, they sound like awful people!

Call both your MIL and your DP by YOUR name, cards, applications etc. See how they like it.

Gives me the rage.

storminateapot if it was addressed as Mrs DH initial DH surname the I’d be inclined to agree with you, but it’s addressed my first name DH surname.

The irony is my friend addressed he wedding invite to us as Mr & Mrs HurtyAtThirty and he was mightily annoyed!