AIBU to threaten my sons school with legal action.

[Mumofyoungteenagers]

SORRY LONG STORY. My DS is a teenager, a typical one I guess, moody, sometimes confrontational, but struggling to cope with a mother with a terminal illness (that’s for another thread) and GCSE’s next year. Don’t get me wrong he not an angel, he’s not well behaved 24/7 but he’s got a heart of gold. His hormones are as active as his growth spurts and as I said he’s struggling. However on top of all that he’s being bullied at school, really badly, by the teachers! They are basically throwing him out of class on the slightest whim, one day he hadn’t even stepped foot inside the class! One time they told him his computer was too slow to boot up. It’s their computer. So because he wasn’t working they sent him out of class. Because he got upset and said “I can’t work until the computer boots up” they then excluded him from the class for 2 weeks for “swearing”. Something they now admit he didn’t do. They’ve previously excluded him for 5 days for “throwing a table” and when we queried it they admitted he threw a bottle in frustration because another teacher was shouting at him inches from his face for something that the teacher now admits he hadn’t done but she thought at the time he did. He’s been kicked out of classes for letting off caps with the teacher saying she saw him doing it, to then state in a written internal email, which we saw, that she had her back to class and it ‘sounded like it came from his direction.’ They say he’s said things and when we challenge it because it doesn’t marry up with what he is saying happened, they back pedal and say oh well yes he didn’t actually say that but “we know that’s what he meant.” One’s even said don’t bother turning up for my class. When he said “why?” the teacher replied “oh I’ll think of something later.”this is just a snapshot there are lots more but all similar.
Now he had just started the school when my illness was diagnosed and he went off the rails, not in a drugs smoking drinking kind of way but in an emotional, crying, get uptight with people teasing him kind of way. Pupils teased him knowing they could wind him up and he’d get all angry and at 12 couldn’t control it and would freak out and hit the walls and lockers and throw books and stuff. (Not at people) But he’s been trying since then to calm it down but the teachers won’t let him. He’s supposed to have a card he can show teachers when he’s needs five minutes out to calm down, but some teachers won’t let him use it and just keep on at him till he gets stressed out and runs out of the class and of course once he’s done that he’s excluded either from the school/subject. He’s collapsed at home now with bad vomiting and diarrhoea sobbing saying” I can’t cope Mum, why do they hate me?” I want to sue the school but my XH says it will make it worse and I’m too ill to do all the work. He’s basically washing his hands of legal action, but wants to continue too send in formal complaints every time it happens but I’ve put 5 in in the last three months. Fellow pupils (not just friends) are backing up what he says and even the head has admitted to us that staff are using punishments so they do not have to teach students. It’s a multi academy business so I can’t even get any help from the LEA. Should I sue or is my Ex right IBU?

There's more than one side to this story.

Basically ALL the teachers of your child (all 12+) bully him?

Where's the common denominator?

Because if half what you're saying is true, Ofsted would floor them.

He's got a history of lashing out. If he's got a red card he should be able to use it, do long as it's reasonable. I've had kids flash them for no reason at all just in the middle of a normal lesson. I let them go, I had to, but questioned it afterwards.

I think you need to speak to the SENCO and arrange to see the head of year about arranging counselling etc too.

Something doesn't add up here.

So sorry you and your son are going through this, it sounds awful. No advice as no experience with academies but hoping a comment might bump your thread so others can advise...

It sounds like an incredibly stressful situation.
I’d speak to the school SENCO urgently.
If you type up a letter basically saying your post but in a more formal manner, then ask your son to fact check it, to see if he backtracks. Ask him to make sure everything is factual.

Is there a school councillor or anyone he can chat to who isn't biased?

I’ve been advised to speak to the children’s law society (I think that’s the name- I haven’t taken that step yet) for free representation for my daughter. You might want to enquire about your sons rights and get a few official looking sentences and phrases into the letter.

No real advice. Just wanted to say that you sound like a fab mum. I hope things are resolved. Sounds like you really don't need this crap atm

In my experience some teacher do just take their frustrations out on easy targets.

in my experience when children and parents complain "all the teachers are bullying/unfair/mean" etc its never true. One, maybe, but all of them? Not a chance.

I think you should focus on your dc's problems rather than suing the school.

Totally beliveable, I've seen it many times.

Your son is angry, upset, frightened. He is lashing out and his words may have more anger and aggression on them than he realises, because he is going through something no child should have to.

Find him a good ACP registered child psychotherapist who can help him process these feelings around your illness and who can also talk to the school about what your son is going through and how staff can help. The teachers may not have put two and two together and simulation see a difficult angry boy.

💐

Just because it's an academy, doesn't mean the LA aren't interested. There should be an Inclusion department within the Education department, who may be able to help with the frequent exclusions... Half of them don't appear valid. The Trust will also have a Board of Governors (or similar) so that's worth contacting. I hope you get the help you need.

I would write the head a letter explaining that if this kind of treatment (be specific) continues, you will withdraw your son and notify the directors of the academy exactly why. Remind them about your prognosis and what your son is having to cope with. Then I would give it another two weeks and if it doesn't improve, I would withdraw him. It sounds like he needs a break. Then think about finding another school. Poor lad.

Not simulation .. simply see ..

Definitely speak to the SENCO.

He has a huge amount on his plate.

Staff may not be aware of current circumstances and still see the lashing out as what it was at 12.

You need to communicate with the school, not put up barriers.

but struggling to cope with a mother with a terminal illness (that’s for another thread)

Not sure others have properly clocked this OP. It’s very relevant and I’m very sorry for your news.

Is school aware of this situation? I think you need to find some help to mediate for you and your son here. Is there a charity associated with your condition that might help. Otherwise I think you need to engage with school management, and take someone with you to meetings.

Very best of luck and I think someone will come along with more specific advice

I’ve already had meetings with the school, they admitted that it’s a handful of teachers (4) 2 of which teach him core subjects. So no @missmarple not all 12. Even his head of year is admitted there’s a problem. If there are two sides why have all punishments been rescinded, the five day suspension was rescinded to 1 on his records, (90% of his behaviour report expunged) but only after he returned from the 5 days. All 4 teachers are to go on training. The head teacher has admitted there is a problem. He only uses his red card if he feels he can’t cope but these 4 teachers refuse to acknowledge it, something again the heads admitted to, it not like they’re letting him go and then questioning it..We’ve got FYPS involved, we tried getting CAMS involved but they say he has to actually have to have tried killing himself before they’ll see him and the school don’t have counselling available and things are tricky with my XH because of another situation so I can’t afford private counselling on my own. I know teachers are going to think he’s a little sod but he’s not and other teachers say he’s lovely to have in class, he’s a hard worker and a delight to teach. These are teachers that saw his earlier behaviour knew was the problem was and worked with him to help him get back in control the others are give a dog a bad name.... and miss marples all that I’m saying is true, and if ofsted inspect they will see all the formal complaints with the responses from the school accepting what was said is true. Thanks EdHlp I’ll google children’s law society

It sounds as though he has a history of bad behaviour that has led to a situation where teachers now expect it and ask him to leave the classroom at an early stage, possibly unreasonably on some occasions. It's difficult to know from the outside the extent to which teachers are being unfair. Ideally your DS should stop misbehaving, answering back and arguing and teachers would notice the improvement. But perhaps it has gone beyond that. It is very sad, especially given your illness, but he needs to understand how his past behaviour has led to this situation. It's unlikely they all hate him but they may hate his behaviour - if you can help him to begin to understand that perhaps it will help motivate him to behave better. Suing the school will be a complete waste of time and energy and money and is unlikely to do anything to help the situation.

Absolutely, suing won't solve a thing.

I'm amazed there's no counselling available, that's awful. See the SENCO, speak to the pastoral team too.

It sounds like he's a very stressed young man, but I suspect not s the staff know the full circumstances. It's imperative you get the head to talk to the staff and explain what's going on. That way teachers understand why he's struggling and can help and offer support and if necessary, cut him the slack he needs right now.

Yes trillllian the school are aware. We explained once we as a family had come to terms with the news, we wanted to group as a family, get to understand what my illness was (it’s quite rare) how it would affect me and effect them. Once that had been done and I felt strong enough we told the school. There is a charity but it’s quite small, sent the school info on my illness so they could help DS if he needed it. The thing is My DGM, DM all died from it and now within the last 6months my DD has been diagnosed with. My poor DS is struggling with that and the bullying and victimisation from these teachers is killing him. My happy to go to school DS is a nervous wreck who hates school.

Have you looked into him moving schools? He sounds so unhappy where he is.

No first hand experience, but something definitely needs to be done.

Whilst on one side I can see it being strange that most (sorry not sure if you said all) his teachers are bullying him.

But on the other side, I can see that he was (and for a very large part is still) a CHILD when this started/is still ongoing. I’m definitely not one for “my/anyone’s child can do no wrong” but sometimes it seems easy to forget that students are children and teachers are adults, and your child in particular is dealing with something incredibly stressful at home, school is hard enough without this.

Teachers, whilst professional (for the most part) are still human, and if all they’re seeing is a difficult child, they will hold bias toward him and deal with him as they always have (kicking him out/exclusions etc).

Writing down everything in your OP as a statement is a good idea, even if you don’t send it to school, exlpain to your son that you intend to take legal action (even if you don’t) but that you need him to fact check the “statement”, try and proposition it to him as a chance to make sure everything is correct and documented, but that there would be severe consequences that if during “legal action” anything would be found to be untrue, if there is any backtracking from him, or chopping and changing, then you’ll have an idea of how much blame is in either side.

On a side note, the amount of backpedaling from the school in your OP is disgraceful, I would not be pleased at all if it were my child, and the school need pulling for that alone, even if not including anything else that’s been happening.

[flowers ] for you

Sorry

I did think about moving him but his GCSE’s are next year and I don’t want to add even more pressure to the poor lad, he really does have more than enough on his plate. He’s hating the stress all this is doing to me it’s caused my illness to worsen and he can see that so he’d kept a lot quite we only really found out how bad it was when he got the 5 day exclusion and another pupil from the class contacted us to tell us what really happened and when we challenged it he broke down and told us everything that had been going on. He’s been trying so hard to turn it around over the last year or so (the behaviour was first 1.5/2 years of secondary school) but feels these few teachers just won’t let him (his words)

I have a friend whose son was in a very similar position,( but without th e particular difficulties of your illness) , and they moved him to another school, he was much happier ,the new school liked him , he blossomed-it worked out really well. Is that something you might consider op ?

Sorry cross posted with NWQM. Friends son was 14/15 at the time, so a similar age.

The thing is he’s so truthful when you say to him did you say this or do this if he’s done it he’ll admit it. But he’ll defend himself to the hilt if he didn’t do it. So if I said did you hit the wall and swear he’ll say yeah mum I did hit the wall, I was really stressed because so and so kept on at me, but I didn’t swear. And then I’ll go back to the school and say, can you tell me exactly what he said when swearing then I’ll get an email saying something like. We’ve investigated this as it appears the teacher didn’t actually hear him swear the teacher was told by another pupil he’d sworn. And apologies and all that we’ll speak to the teacher about making sure of their facts before accusing pupils.....

I could look, SirVix but all the local school are owned by the same company so I’m concerned about that, I just don’t want to make it worse for him

This may sound crazy - but have you asked whether all teachers are aware of the situation? I've worked in a school where we were told nothing about the children because it was "confidential." If you give your permission, they can tell all the teachers.