AIBU to threaten my sons school with legal action.

[Mumofyoungteenagers]

SORRY LONG STORY. My DS is a teenager, a typical one I guess, moody, sometimes confrontational, but struggling to cope with a mother with a terminal illness (that’s for another thread) and GCSE’s next year. Don’t get me wrong he not an angel, he’s not well behaved 24/7 but he’s got a heart of gold. His hormones are as active as his growth spurts and as I said he’s struggling. However on top of all that he’s being bullied at school, really badly, by the teachers! They are basically throwing him out of class on the slightest whim, one day he hadn’t even stepped foot inside the class! One time they told him his computer was too slow to boot up. It’s their computer. So because he wasn’t working they sent him out of class. Because he got upset and said “I can’t work until the computer boots up” they then excluded him from the class for 2 weeks for “swearing”. Something they now admit he didn’t do. They’ve previously excluded him for 5 days for “throwing a table” and when we queried it they admitted he threw a bottle in frustration because another teacher was shouting at him inches from his face for something that the teacher now admits he hadn’t done but she thought at the time he did. He’s been kicked out of classes for letting off caps with the teacher saying she saw him doing it, to then state in a written internal email, which we saw, that she had her back to class and it ‘sounded like it came from his direction.’ They say he’s said things and when we challenge it because it doesn’t marry up with what he is saying happened, they back pedal and say oh well yes he didn’t actually say that but “we know that’s what he meant.” One’s even said don’t bother turning up for my class. When he said “why?” the teacher replied “oh I’ll think of something later.”this is just a snapshot there are lots more but all similar.
Now he had just started the school when my illness was diagnosed and he went off the rails, not in a drugs smoking drinking kind of way but in an emotional, crying, get uptight with people teasing him kind of way. Pupils teased him knowing they could wind him up and he’d get all angry and at 12 couldn’t control it and would freak out and hit the walls and lockers and throw books and stuff. (Not at people) But he’s been trying since then to calm it down but the teachers won’t let him. He’s supposed to have a card he can show teachers when he’s needs five minutes out to calm down, but some teachers won’t let him use it and just keep on at him till he gets stressed out and runs out of the class and of course once he’s done that he’s excluded either from the school/subject. He’s collapsed at home now with bad vomiting and diarrhoea sobbing saying” I can’t cope Mum, why do they hate me?” I want to sue the school but my XH says it will make it worse and I’m too ill to do all the work. He’s basically washing his hands of legal action, but wants to continue too send in formal complaints every time it happens but I’ve put 5 in in the last three months. Fellow pupils (not just friends) are backing up what he says and even the head has admitted to us that staff are using punishments so they do not have to teach students. It’s a multi academy business so I can’t even get any help from the LEA. Should I sue or is my Ex right IBU?

How could it be worse from an education point of view? Perhaps moving schools would be the answer here.

I know getting counselling is very difficult at the moment, and CAHMS almost inaccessible. Some places to try for lower cost counselling- google teenagers, your area and counsellors, many will offer reduced rates if you are financially struggling. Also charities may offer counselling, is there one connected with your illness? There is also Balloons (?) which is a charity for children who are facing an expected death in the family who have volunteers. What about school counsellors, I know not all schools have them now. I would keep on trying to find him someone, anyone, to talk to. Many councils also offer online/email counselling which is a bit shit but some teens may prefer it.

Hope it goes ok, it sounds like a very difficult situation and his acting out is part of the stress he's experiencing.

You might see if he can change classes. Many schools split the year into 2 halves and each half would have the same sets so if he were in set 2 for English he could swap to the other set 2? This would keep him in the same school but change the teachers and give everyone a fresh start.

I'd move him. He's not going to accomplish much wiyh his gcses if it is such a hostile environment.

Would home education be a possibility?

I’m going to talk to him tomorrow and discuss moving schools, if he’s ok then I’ll tackle XH, (and that’ll be a joy,) and tell him. Then we can start looking at which one. In the meantime I’ll speak to the school double check that all his teachers are aware of what’s going on at home. I’ll look for counselling too. I won’t take legal action but I will keep an eye on it and keep raising formal complaints if they carry on so at least something gets done and it’s all investigated at least if he feels that I’m not just accepting the accusations he might feel reassured. I did get phone calls from two of his teachers today who said he’d been brilliant in their classes and thought I’d like to know. They said they thought DS would appreciate the thumbs up too.

It's possible for a culture of bullying of students by staff to crop up in a school. It may well be the case here (all those posters going, well, maybe the kid's just a little sod). If the Head is being useless, you have the right to contact the school governors - the name of the Chair of Governors should be on the school's website and complain. The governors are legally required to look into the matter.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through such a difficult time.

I read all through your post with mounting horror, then got to the bottom and went "Ah, it's an academy". I'm sure there are some good ones out there but I have a teaching friend who was sent in to one to help as it was failing (Badly), largely due to the manager there.
Even if the other schools are in the same "company" they might have a different attitude and culture, depending on the manager (or should I say head? Not sure) so it might well be worth looking into moving him.

So sorry to hear that they are being SUCH wankers at such an emotional time for your DS - you'd like to think that they would be supportive, given your family situation, but it all sounds very Lord of the Flies with the teachers being the ones picking off the weakest.

I agree that legal action might not be the best option for you, given the stress involved but do keep going with the formal complaints.

for you and so sorry about your situation.

Hi OP,
Sorry to hear your news. I really feel for you. I am a school governor and I would want to hear about this if the formal complaint procedure hasn’t worked after the Head got involved. Your DS needs a Pastoral Support Plan in place urgently if there isn’t one already. All staff should be aware of your circumstances.
When I was a teen my Dad had a terminal illness. All the staff at my school knew but I asked that I could just get on with school. School was my safe place where I could temporarily forget my home stress and worries. Your son’s school should be the same, keep on at them until things are right, follow the complaints policy and escalate to Governors when necessary.

Would it be possible to take him out of school and pay for part time tutor? Sorry your family are going through all this.

Is this a small school or a large school?
You may have already thought of this but if it is a larger school could he be moved classes so he is no longer in the classes of the certain teacher.
I not I would defiantly look to moving schools.

Normally I'm on the side of teachers but in your case it does sound like the school is a toxic environment for DS. I'm shocked that any teacher would accuse a child of swearing without actually hearing what was said. If the staff have the idea that your son is Trouble they may be unable to change their opinions (confirmation bias is very real and very powerful). It's appalling that it as got to this stage, but moving schools may be the best option for DS.

I don't think suing is the answer, it's terrible stress and expense and unlikely to get you very far.

I am also incurably/terminally ill with teenage children. One is struggling badly and I quite agree that camhs services are pathetic, Our GP referred my suicidal boy to crisis team as an urgent case. Nothing. Referred again - phone call from them to basically say he's on a list. If he actually attempts suicide call them but they advised me to pay for private counselling because they had no idea how long it would be until he was seen. Three months on - still waiting. They haven't bothered to see him once. Luckily we can juggle about to find the fees for private help and that's what he's getting. It is helping.

My suggestions would be - see your GP, maybe he is clinically depressed (who could blame him?) or contact your local hospice. They have services for the children of terminally ill parents and might be able to help.

I don't think butting horns with school is going to fix this, but if there is a head of pastoral care or similar it is worth making an appointment to talk to them. Don't go in guns blazing - it sounds likely your son is being provocative and treated accordingly without anyone understanding why he might be that way, I mean this very kindly, but I doubt his completely innocent version of every event is entirely accurate, or several teachers would not be finding him equally hard to handle on a regular basis. He might well be lashing out and acting up with certain teachers and not others - again, there are reasons, but difficulties in life aren't carte Blanche to behave badly.

My kids have all gone the opposite way - one quiet, one depressed and one extremely anxious. All sitting GCSE or A level this year and school have been very supportive sorting out special exam arrangements etc. Calm and mutually respectful communication is far more effective than anger and threats of legal action.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've learned from own DC that behavior is a symptom. I hope you are able to get help for your DS.

Does your son's school have a school nurse who visits the school on a regular basis? I am aware some academies don't but many do. If the service is available the school nurse would be able to offer emotional support and should be aware of any counselling services available in your local area that might suit your son's needs. School could make a referral or you could find out from your local health authority and make direct contact yourself which would be quicker. I know you are supporting him brilliantly, but sometimes talking confidentially to an "outsider" is easier for teens as it sounds like he is understandably struggling to deal with this huge emotional stress. A school nurse would also be able to advocate to the school on his behalf and liaise with you. Might be worth a try finding out anyway. Really sorry to hear about your illness and I hope you can get this sorted without further compromising your own health.

This may sound crazy - but have you asked whether all teachers are aware of the situation? I've worked in a school where we were told nothing about the children because it was "confidential”.
Was my first thought too. I know a teacher that rang to speak to a pupils mum about his bad behaviour only be to told his mum had passed away and that particular day was the anniversary, she had no idea and was mortified. Horrible situation for you all OP

I'm so sorry OP. Just for extra help re bullying, you could contact Kidscape. They are wonderful to kids and will talk on the phone with parents too. It's usually for being bullied by other kids, but I am sure they'll be aware of teacher bullying too and might have some useful advice. It sounds absolutely awful. My heart goes out to you xxx

I just wanted to that I believe you, OP. Give a dog a bad name and all that.

Hi OP so sorry you are going through such a hard time. But to speak plain English when a head teacher doesn’t deny or acknowledge something but advise teacher training it means they do not see the teacher at fault. Your son needs some independent counselling, what he is going through is awful as it is for you. I can only go by what I went through when my mum had cancer at his age, completely derailed me, personality changed. I needed someone to be honest but reassure me

Hi
Bloody hell OP, what a horrid situation you and your family are going through.

My first thought was whether all the teachers knew about your prognosis? ... Of course your lad is upset and acting out.

Have you come across Winstons Wish? They work with children who have lost /or will lose someone close to them - they're brilliant!

www.winstonswish.org

Whereabouts are you?. Assume UK?

storm I feel for you, being in this sort of health situation is hell, I want to be as much there for my DC’s as much as possible but as I’m in and out of hospital I can’t always. You’re so right about Cahms! The thing is, I didn’t always believe his side of events, believing he wasnt entirely innocent, but when I started to check everything it turned out his side was accurate and I was horrified. The teachers have admitted they were wrong.ive had a “ive apologised to DC because I was wrong” phone all, I’ve had “i’ve Apologised to DC because I jumped to wrong conclusions” phone call. I’ve seen emails saying completely the opposite of what they’ve said to kick him out of class. One email said “I called him to come over but I forgot his name was ........ it wasn’t until after the class I remembered his name was........ “ this was after theyd kicked him out for ‘ignoring’ them and kicking out the child whose name they were calling because when they they called my DC by the wrong name the child who was called what they thought my son was called answered yes? And they said he was being cheeky. This is all on his behaviour report too. why The head hasn’t denied this they’ve agreed there is a problem with teachers using exclusion as a way out of teaching. They’ve even said one of them actually doesn’t like children! (Really shocked they even said that) My DC says though he’s not the only child this is happening too he says they seem to have one from each year and he hears it from the others in the exclusion room, it’s always the same 4 teachers and it’s always same kind of excuses from the them.
Thank you coyoacan - elisavita I’ll look at kidscape, thank you. X

There is some detailed exclusion guidance on the gov.uk website that the school should be adhering to, if we exclude (rare) we complete the Headteacher’s checklist every time and keep it as a record, could you ask the school for the exclusion paperwork for each exclusion? They should have some kind of record of each incident?

It is supposed to be as a very last resort when all other interventions etc have been attempted, and school have to show how they have put things in place eg a risk reduction plan, pastoral care plan etc to support the child first.

Last time I was Ofsteded I had an inspector go through a child’s file with a very fine tooth comb to check exclusions had been done properly and that we had done everything we possibly could to support him.

Just a thought. It sounds appalling for your son though.

here it is

Feel for you and your son. Appalling but believable crappy treatment. See if you can arrange some visits for him at down alternative schools.

Have you got a contact at the LEA? Talk to them?

Some not down.

Sounds like he misbehaves and the teachers have had enough.

All the teachers bullying him my foot.

I'm a teacher btw.