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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I expecting too much of my six year old?

69 replies

suitechild · 11/05/2018 20:03

DS is 6 and he is a funny, energetic and smart child however he still has epic tantrums over pretty small things - almost toddler style. He is also pretty selfish and refuses (or makes a massive fuss) if he's asked to help out with small chores and seems to lack understanding of other people's needs. Am I expecting too much from him or do I need to think about us tackling these issues?

OP posts:
BrightonCalling · 11/05/2018 20:06

He sounds like hes on his way to becoming spoilt IMO - no offence!

Justmuddlingalong · 11/05/2018 20:07

How long has the behaviour been like that? Is it a new thing?

QueenofmyPrinces · 11/05/2018 20:07

What sort of chores are being asked of him that trigger the tantrums?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 11/05/2018 20:08

I'm not an expert, but I'd say
Tantrums/meltdowns/veryupset - reasonably typical
Pretty selfish - typical
small chores - I'd say some kids better than others. Does he (for example) help tidy up at school with the others without fuss? Totally depends on the household, but I'd expect a 6yr old to need support and probably chivvying for this.
Lack of understanding for people's needs - yes, I think this is typical.

Have school raised any of these as an issue.

oblada · 11/05/2018 20:11

Empathy is developed ard 5-6yrs of age so maybe he is just a bit young on that side?

Original poster
suitechild · 11/05/2018 20:11

The chores are things like lay the table, get something from another part of the house, make his bed, put his clothes in wash or tidy up his toys. He will do them sometimes but other times refuses. The tantrums aren't about the chores but if things don't go his way or change in a way he doesn't like. He is a July baby and is currently doing SATs so I think there is a lot of pressure on him at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
suitechild · 11/05/2018 20:12

keep No he's very well behaved at school, lots of energy but always does what he is asked and strives to do well. Enjoys rewards at school e.t.c

OP posts:
oblada · 11/05/2018 20:14

So he will be 7 yrs old v soon effectively? That behaviour does sound a bit 'childish' but I suppose it's down to you to deal with it. What do you do when he refuses the chores? I have to say most of those things wouldn't be considered chosen by my older 2 (3 and 6yrs old). Except tidy up the toys, the younger one flatly refuses! I've never asked them to make their beds as I don't see the point.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/05/2018 20:14

Are the chores part of his routine. Some kids enjoy the routine in school, so can you try a chart or something with times/chores at home?

oblada · 11/05/2018 20:15

'Chores' not chosen!! Bloody autocorrect!

halcyondays · 11/05/2018 20:17

I don't think any of that is unusual at 6.

NotAgainYoda · 11/05/2018 20:18

Yes, I think you are expecting too much

TenThousandSpoons · 11/05/2018 20:20

Sounds like my 6 yr old ds.

somanyfeministsthesedays · 11/05/2018 20:24

Your son won't have any pressure on him at school for SATS, most schools try not to make a fuss about them so that's not an excuse. Every child has tantrums, my son is 6, 7 in June and he does the odd chores tidy up his toys, put his clothes in the wash basket, dress himself etc. Sometimes it will take me a few times to make him do these things but on a whole he's a good kid.
If your child isn't listening or doing as he is told you need to start giving him consequences for not doing them. Your that adult not him.

BlueBug45 · 11/05/2018 20:27

Do you have friends' with younger kids or do you work in a nursery where you are allowed to take him sometimes? The boys I've noticed who are more empathetic at that age have been put in "charge" and been trusted to ensure that a younger kid does something e.g. eats their lunch on a trip, gets a turn with a toy. However you mustn't interfere with how your son does it as most kids are fair, but their methods can be different to adults.

Once he does it praise him for doing it, then repeat it a few times, he will soon do it again without prompting particularly if he and the younger child get on he's in "charge" of get on. He will then extend this to other people of different ages as he gets older.

Goldmandra · 11/05/2018 20:50

Google Aspergers and high functioning autism. Also PDA.

They may well not fit your son but the things you've highlighted could be significant.

MumofBoysx2 · 11/05/2018 20:54

Maybe if you sit down with him and draw up a list of things he can do/when, he might enjoy that and not feel as though a chore has been sprung on him when he's in the middle of something. Also, he could take 'ownership' of certain tasks that might give him a sense of pride (says the mother of a 7 year old who goes nuts when I ask him to do anything...) Worth a try!

isthistoonosy · 11/05/2018 20:55

My 4 (almost 5) yr old can be a bit the same saying no when asked to do something but I've found making jobs into rewards and lettig him take the lead on some things seems to be working atm. He is allowed to make our beds alone if he gets ready and up to bed first, allowed to stay outside and tidy up toys for 15 mins while his little sister has to come in and get ready for bed, if he helps his sister he is allowed to help cook, pick if we have peas or sweetcorn etc, He was asked to tidy up a few pairs of his shoes and got a large box and made a new shoe system for us all.

Would that work with your six yr old?

SmileEachDay · 11/05/2018 20:56

Google Aspergers and high functioning autism. Also PDA.

That is ridiculous.
On what basis have you come to that conclusion and since when has Google been preferable to a paediatrician?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/05/2018 20:56

Is he just tired and exhausted as he gets towards the end of the school year? The pressures at school may just be coping with socialising, sitting still and focusing for long periods, getting used to the class routine, lunches, PE dressing or even waking up earlier as its now light and sunny in the mornings.
They are all so different. Maybe try and tackle this at a time when he's calm, and make it more of a friendly chat, ask him why he doesn't like doing it or gets angry. Maybe give him to consider some ideas of things he could do to help.. write them on cards with him, make it fun, and then ask him to suggest a time to do it...start with something really small and easy and work up. Anything to avoid a head to head battle, get him used to co-operating step by step.
Mine used to be snappish when they got home from school if they'd had some difficulties during the day and they needed a quick chill and a snack and they were right as rain. Perhaps make a start on a less stressful time of day? Best of luck, I'm sure its just a phase.

Introducer · 11/05/2018 20:59

Normal for us (6yo dd) and all of DD’s friends parents have exactly the same issues:

  • tantrums (2yo style)
  • attitude (at the simplist of requests)
  • good as gold at school, nightmare at home
  • fail safe parenting techniques not working
  • big fall outs

I’m being told it gets worse by 8yo 🙄

It has got marginally better v recently due to some honest truths given to her and significant consequences for behaviour that means she’s finally realised she doesn’t “rule the roost” (the word “disappointed” has been used a lot and talks with her teacher too, who she adores and hates to think her ‘sweetness and light’ character is being tarnished by me)

DrCorday · 11/05/2018 21:02

Is he just tired and exhausted as he gets towards the end of the school year

This too. We have even worse behaviour the closer to each half term holiday. DD gives it her all at school and hits a brick wall exactly a week before.

BarbarianMum · 11/05/2018 21:03

Ds2 had huge pressure put on him for SATS in Y2. So did the rest of the year. It was awful. Sad Anyway, its entirely possible that the OPs ds is struggling with that too.

Booboobooboo84 · 11/05/2018 21:06

If he behaves at school could you follow their rewards system at home to give him some continuity

murmuration · 11/05/2018 21:23

Sounds like my 6yo. She was getting worse recently, and I realised I'd been avoiding asking her to do small chores because I didn't want to deal with the whining. But it didn't help - it just made things worse! Bigger tantrums when I asked her to do smaller things more infrequently. I went back, only a few days ago, with expecting small things regularly and occasional large things, and deal with regular whining but the big tantrums have lessened.

I also talk about understanding other people. She never seems to take it on board at the time, but i think actually listens as she'll show evidence of having remembered stuff (or tell some other kid something I told her!).

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