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Original poster

What age do you know you are gay?

58 replies

Santorin1 · 11/05/2018 15:10

Sorry if this is a stupid question, but I'm not sure what to think.
My son is adamant he's straight and he's just turned 15. About a year ago, he did mention he thought he was bi-sexual, but now says he was trying to fit in with the culture at his school, he's embarrassed about this and wishes he'd never said it. At the time, most of the girls in his class were claiming to be bisexual (they are not anymore) and a few of the boys in his friendship group too. He does have a friend who is probably gay and there are several boys in his class who came out a while ago. He also has straight friends who are boys.

There is also a "fandom" around a reality tv series called Rupauls Drag Race. It's like Americas Next Top Model, but for drag queens and it's all very OTT and seems to have a term cult following. My son is on chats about this on Instagram and I'm not sure whether to read anything into it? Does anyone else have teen boys who are into this show. He says he has been "openly straight" on the chats, but I must admit I just don't get it.

OP posts:
wellBeehivedWoman · 11/05/2018 15:40

Fifteen is a confusing time, OP. He's subject to a huge amount of peer pressure as well as his own hormones. He might know for sure or he might be years away from knowing. Some people know at 6, some at 26.

Just make sure he knows that you love him whatever, and that he doesn't have to worry about figuring it all out right away.

Ru Paul is popular with people of all genders and sexual orientations. It's very campy and OTT and silly, but you would be mad to try and predict anything from it!

Original poster
Santorin1 · 11/05/2018 15:51

Thankyou Wellbeehived for talking sense. I'm just worried about him really. There is so much online and in Instagram that I never had to deal with at that age. I was under the impression that the Rupaul following is mainly teen girls (for the fashion / bling element) but the teen boy following would be mainly gay as I'm not sure what would appeal? My son has never had any interest in fashion whatsoever really. The friend who got him hooked on this show is gay, I think, but there are lots of girls obsessed with it as well.

OP posts:
Kenworthington · 11/05/2018 15:54

My ds1 suspected he was gay at 11, pondered over it in his own head for a year and came out as gay when he was 12. No confusion for him! But I suspect he’s quite unusual in that tbh

wellBeehivedWoman · 11/05/2018 15:58

It probably does have a lot of female teenage fans but there are many others it appeals to as well - it's very funny and the contestants come up with a lot of good catch phrases that often become memes. It's also just very popular and so something teenagers probably want to keep up with.

Your son may well be bisexual and just not ready to embrace it yet, but liking Ru Paul isn't the predictor of that! He just needs time and space and confidence in your love and support to know for sure who he is. The good thing is he has obviously already felt able to talk to you about it - that's a good sign that he knows you love him whoever he is.

Ticketsfrom · 11/05/2018 15:59

I'd leave him be, perhaps the pressure that made him say he's bi is now working in reverse to make him not want to say he's gay. Or maybe he's just straight. As for when do you know? I'd say he has a clear idea of who he is and isn't attracted to now but whether or not he wants to be open about that or deal with it is his own business really.
Ru Paul is loved by loads of teens, campy and over the top nonsense though it is. It's really not an indication of anything ...

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 11/05/2018 16:01

Not sure but I knew I was straight at 2 or 3.

flowerslemonade · 11/05/2018 16:01

I wouldn't worry about the show, I don't think it means anything at all, anyone will watch that, and it doesn't define sexuality. What I mean is both men and women will watch it, straight and gay and bi. His friends are really into this show so he probably started watching it through them, maybe it's really good.

If he says he is straight I would take that at face value.

ArtBrut · 11/05/2018 16:04

It's not a stupid question, OP, but why are you getting so stressed about a TV programme as some kind of indicator of your son's 'real' sexual identity, at a particularly fluid and confusing age what difference does it make to your day to day life? I'm wondering also whether the phrasing 'he's adamant he's straight' and him telling you he's been 'openly straight' on chats is significant what vibes is his picking up from you?

Qcumber · 11/05/2018 16:05

Thinking back, I knew I was gag in primary school but I didn't know how to process those feelings at the time. I started dating at 13 and knew for sure by about 15. But it really is different for everyone. I'd follow his lead. If he says he's straight then accept that but tell him he doesn't need to 'decide'. He can always 'change his mind' (figure out his feelings) when he's older. I think young teens are really pushed to have a fully formed identity. He's still a child and learning about himself. I'd just give him time and understanding while he finds his way.

Qcumber · 11/05/2018 16:06

Gay* obviously.

Rowenaravenclawsdiadem · 11/05/2018 16:08

Dd came out to me last year. She is 12. I just said fair enough. I think she was disappointed she didn't get more of a response.

Mousefunky · 11/05/2018 16:08

It’s so confusing when you’re a teenager with raging hormones and it’s completely normal and natural to be sexually curious about both sexes. I don’t think it necessarily makes them bisexual, I just think sexuality is fluid and it’s possibly most fluid during puberty. Almost everyone I’ve met has tried something with the same sex at some stage. I had a girlfriend when I was 14 and I would definitely describe myself as heterosexual. He’s just curious and that’s fine.

My best friend who is gay knew as soon as he started masturbating, I think he was around 12. He has never and probably would never tried anything with a female.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 11/05/2018 16:09

P.S: I'm a big fan of Rupaul's Drag Race, it's a silly/funny/fascinating and very popular show with a big heart and it can certainly appeal to anyone regardless of sexuality. It's not just focused on fasion. DH watches with me sometimes.

Dljlr · 11/05/2018 16:10

My very straight DP loves Rupaul! I'd never heard of him until he told me my legs were even nicer than Rupaul's

It's great he's talking to you about such things op, and pp's are right re: how confusing it can be being 15. As long as he knows that you love and support him for just who he is, then this sort of thing is really (and I mean this gently) just not your business. He'll talk to you more if/when he wants to.

SparklyMagpie · 11/05/2018 16:13

Does it matter?
And FWIW I'm straight and I'm addicted to Rupaul's drag race and got my mum hooked on it too

Ohyesiam · 11/05/2018 16:13

When mynephew was 5, he told my sister he was going to marry Harrison Ford.....

StellaWouldYouTakeMeHome · 11/05/2018 16:15

Let him like who he likes as long as he’s not harming anyone and is happy, it doesn’t matter. You can’t help who you fall in love with. Man or woman shouldn’t matter

Soubriquet · 11/05/2018 16:16

I sort of knew as an older teenager around 16. I had no real interest in men and vastly preferred women. I lost virginity to a man at 18. Didn't really enjoy it. I experimented with both men and women right up till I met my husband. He is the only man I've ever really felt attraction to. I do still prefer women but I would never leave my husband for one.

So I guess at 15 your Ds will have some idea

ClaryFray · 11/05/2018 16:18

It isn't a one age fits all deal. He could know and feel 'bad' so is trying to fit in. It isn't time sensitive he will flow and change as he grows older.

ThistleAmore · 11/05/2018 16:18

My very straight DP is a MASSIVE RPDR fan, and is taking me to see Bianca Del Rio (Season 6 winner) later on this year!

I think a lot of (if not most) people - male and female - question their sexuality in their teens and early 20s, it's a confusing time. It mostly settles down one way or the other, or sometimes both.

As long as there's no bullying or pressure, everything comes out in the wash.

ThistleAmore · 11/05/2018 16:22

Incidentally, although I now 'class' myself as straight, having been in a monogamous relationship with a man for 15 years, I considered myself bisexual when I was younger, finding men and women equally attractive from about 14 onwards.

Ultimately, I settled on the hetero side of the fence, but I could have gone either way, I think.

MissionItsPossible · 11/05/2018 16:24

I knew at 11/12.

I also know loads of straight people (mainly female but some male as well) who watch Drag Race. I saw an episode and it's not for me personally but I can understand why it's so popular.

PlausibleSuit · 11/05/2018 16:28

I'm gay. I knew, kind of, when I was about 7 or 8. Although I didn't have words for it, and it wasn't sexual. More a leaning; a sense of being different, if that makes sense. When I was 12 or 13 I fell in awful, unrequited love with another boy and that was that. But it took me until I was 16 to come out to friends, and 18 to family. If my mum had asked me when I was 15 I'd have sworn blind that I was straight, because I wasn't ready for the world to know. Little things that people said or did stuck with me and I had to work through a lot of internalised shame before I was ready. That's why coming out is such a big deal to many.

Don't get too caught up trying to navigate by gay stereotypes, either: I'm not a Drag Race fan at all and can barely summon the enthusiasm for fashion. Lots of people like it because it's slickly produced TV with lots of drama and meme-able content. It's a red herring, I think.

I too picked up on your use of the phrases adamant and openly straight. It's quite strong wording and suggests he's felt under some pressure, one way or the other. Is there context for this?

imweirdandcool · 11/05/2018 16:28

i use to think i was gay around 13-15 untill i had sex with a man and i never was just had a phase never done anything with a woman

SneakyGremlins · 11/05/2018 16:31

I knew I was gay since always, pretty much. I always kind of felt different.

And not buying into stereotypes but I love RPDR Grin