Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What age do you know you are gay?

58 replies

Santorin1 · 11/05/2018 15:10

Sorry if this is a stupid question, but I'm not sure what to think.
My son is adamant he's straight and he's just turned 15. About a year ago, he did mention he thought he was bi-sexual, but now says he was trying to fit in with the culture at his school, he's embarrassed about this and wishes he'd never said it. At the time, most of the girls in his class were claiming to be bisexual (they are not anymore) and a few of the boys in his friendship group too. He does have a friend who is probably gay and there are several boys in his class who came out a while ago. He also has straight friends who are boys.

There is also a "fandom" around a reality tv series called Rupauls Drag Race. It's like Americas Next Top Model, but for drag queens and it's all very OTT and seems to have a term cult following. My son is on chats about this on Instagram and I'm not sure whether to read anything into it? Does anyone else have teen boys who are into this show. He says he has been "openly straight" on the chats, but I must admit I just don't get it.

OP posts:

SneakyGremlins · 11/05/2018 16:35

However I do also love things like GTA and other games which are more stereotypically seen as "straight male" games

LemonysSnicket · 11/05/2018 16:48

My cousin didn’t come out as gay until she turned 21. I don’t know when she knew. I watch Drag Race and it’s more that its funny than the fashion.

Bearhunter09 · 11/05/2018 16:53

If he already told you he was bi he was obviously comfortable enough to have those conversations with you. At 15 I knew exactly who I fancied so I suspect he’s absolutely straight

sirfredfredgeorge · 11/05/2018 16:57

I think the thing to read into it, is that you're way too invested in his private life, and the private life of his friends, get your nose out.

Petalflowers · 11/05/2018 16:58

On ‘Child of our Time’, I think they said the average age was 16 years. However, for their parents generation, it would have been a decade later.

LooseyInTheSky · 11/05/2018 17:02

I didn't know that I wasn't straight until my first relationship with a girl, aged 19. Wasn't expecting it, it hit me like a ton of bricks. Think I was later than average to discover that about myself though.

Sparklesocks · 11/05/2018 17:05

It’s such a confusing time with your hormones etc that he might not even be sure himself.
Sexuality isn’t necessarily black and white so it might be he’s still figuring it all out. Also Rupaul is great fun and i know some straight men who watch it with their female partners so I don’t think it’s definitely a sign either way - it’s a really popular show and he might be drawn to how confident the contestants are and sure of themselves (which he maybe isn’t quite yet).

Or maybe he does know deep down but hasn’t fully realised yet.

Either way just continue give him time and love and support and assure him you love him whoever he might end up loving ❤️

Original poster

Santorin1 · 11/05/2018 18:05

Thankyou so much for all your thoughtful and honest perspectives. When I said, he's "adamant" that he's straight, I didn't mean he's shouting this from the rooftops, more that that's how he would describe himself, if asked, and that's what he puts on online profiles, etc. To be honest, if it wasn't for him telling me he thought he was bi last summer, the issue of his sexuality wouldn't be on my mind at all.

He was on a chat- forum about RP some months ago, as were most of his friends, and it turned out there was an adult on there, asking inappropriate questions etc, while posing as 15. It was frightening actually. It's more this kind of insidious culture around the show, rather than the entertainment itself that is the issue for me.

Anyway, I just had a quite open conversation with him. He said he is "a straight guy with a few different interests". There is an online game connected to the show and he says he plays this as he would have played Pokemon some time back.

It's just hard to navigate as a parent sometimes and know how much is peer culture and how much isn't. Things have changed so much with the internet. I think I did act quite shocked in retrospect when he said he was bi last year and when he later said he didn't mean this at all, I was worried I had shut him down or not taken him seriously enough at the time.

Thankyou again.

OP posts:

SneakyGremlins · 11/05/2018 18:11

What's this game?

For what it's worth OP you sound like a great parent I wish I'd had parents as open as you are.

Original poster

Santorin1 · 11/05/2018 19:16

Thanks Gremlins - I don't always feel like a great parent, that's for sure! The game seems to be based on a "rush" - they organise it on Instagram, I think and set challenges. Something like that anyway. And yes there are lots of "memes" from the show, whatever they are.
I'm really feeling my age

OP posts:

Qcumber · 11/05/2018 21:06

I agree with Gremlins you sound like a really good and supportive mum. The fact he felt confident enough to share that he thought he may be bi with you speaks volumes. I waited until I moved out before I told my parents
He sounds a lovely confident boy with a good friendship group so he'll be fine whatever happens x

JaretsGirlfren · 11/05/2018 21:10

I was 26 when I realised I was bi!

DuchyDuke · 11/05/2018 21:24

Straight doesn’t always have the same definition amongst youngsters. It can meannattracted to women rather than females, and many do consider drag queens as women.

Suggest you leave it for now. Let him come to you in his own time.

gearandloathing · 11/05/2018 21:32

I thought I might be gay at the age of 13, I went to an all girl's school and got a crush on one of the six formers but it wasn't really a sexual crush. As it turns out, I'm not gay or bisexual in the slightest!

Puffycat · 11/05/2018 21:39

I think it’s all down to being there for your kids either way. As was said earlier, being 15 is a highly charged emotional time.
They work it out. And I think it’s great if your kids can say “I think I may be gay, bisexual, trans.....”

Linning · 11/05/2018 22:25

I think you can figure out your sexuality at whichever age really.

A lot of my friends questionned/experimented around your son's age (or even before) with people of the same-sex, some now identifies as bi or gay/lesbians and others still identify as straight.

I had doubts about my sexuality growing up but brushed it off and genuinely convinced myself I was straight. I then went through phases of questioning and semi-acceptance that I wasn't straight to as quickly go back to "believing" I was straight and it wasn't until I was 19 that I finally embraced the fact that I really wasn't straight after all and it was okay. Bisexuals can go through "phases", so it's not rare to be confused and switch labels a lot when one is bi. That being said, teenagers are also very hormonal and curious and thankfully we live in a society now where it's not as taboo to be gay/bi so I am not surprised some teens go through phases of genuinely believing they are queer when they are simply being hormonal teenagers ending up labeling themselves wrongly making it seem like it's a "trend" more than it is.

Pollaidh · 11/05/2018 22:59

Kids that age will watch anything, especially if a cult following develops. When I was in VIth it was all teletubbies. I wouldn't necessarily read anything into it.

Just give him time to find discover himself, and make sure he knows you support him whatever. People shift over time, and sexuality is a spectrum, so the only thing to do is be open, supportive, and wait.

OohMavis · 11/05/2018 23:04

My brother says he knew he was gay from the moment he had self-awareness, so as long as he can remember. About 4 or 5. We all knew too.

That's not the case with every person though. He's figuring it all out, he'll get there.

CatchingBabies · 11/05/2018 23:08

I knew I was gay from around 12 but I didn’t really understand it at that age, I went through a phase of saying I was bisexual in my late teens as that seemed more accepted at the time and then at 20 I finally came out as a lesbian. The best thing you can do is make it no big deal, whatever his sexuality it doesn’t matter and he will work that out in his own time, stereotypes are just that however and most people don’t fit them.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 11/05/2018 23:08

It can be confusing and actually I think your sexuality can change or ebb and flow over time as well..... I had a girlfriend when I was 15 and we did have sex with each other... but i became more attracted to men as I got older and have never had a relationship, or wanted to have one, with a woman since that!
So although I think you are aware of your sexuality at that age I think it can be hard to put a label on it.... it may be that your son was attracted to men or a certain boy and now is not... it may be that he never will be again or it may be that he does experience that again... who knows!!

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 11/05/2018 23:11

DN was confident enough to come out to her family at 14.
My friend knew for sure at 14.
Another friend experimented with boys in his teens but has only just come out and is in his first adult gay relationship at nearly 40, having had several relationships with women throughout the intervening years.
The friend he 'experimented' with realised that he was straight and has been happily so since about 15.

UterusUterusGhali · 11/05/2018 23:40

I think what's lovely about today's youth culture is that they are free to explore wether they are actually gay or not.
You might be curious, but the best way to tell might be to try out a different sexuality. I wish it were so open 30 years ago.
It's so fluid these days and ime teenagers don't give a fuck.
Just keep being the caring and accepting mum you are. :)

letsghostdance · 12/05/2018 00:09

Just to clarify though, there is no 'insidious culture' surrounding Drag Race. Sounds like there was an isolated incident where someone got access to a chat on the topic and used it completely inappropriately. There are creeps everywhere. It's certainly not connected to the culture of the show or the people who watch or compete.

BookWitch · 12/05/2018 01:39

I have 3 dds all of whom love Drag Race.
2 are definitely straight, one is gay. She has known since she was 13-14 (now 17)

velourvoyageur · 12/05/2018 09:27

So I guess what comes to mind after reading your post OP is that it may be comforting to both of you just to abandon the attempt to pin down sexuality in words, for now at least. Some people's sexuality may change over time yes but I do think when you're young a lot of this 'fluidity' (in terms of one year feeling you're 'G' and then next thinking 'B') can be put down to the individuals you meet, which situations you find yourself in, where it's these that sway which language you're using to describe yourself, rather than it being the case that you're finding yourself attracted to someone because you just before meeting them had some sort of organic brain readjustment which unexpectedly slid you a bit up or down the Kinsey scale.
It's likely he'll have more 'questioning' moments as he meets new people at sixth form/uni/work, so no point getting too bothered about it now. To be fair I'm not sure why parents quite need to be able to precisely pinpoint their children's sexuality.

FWIW I knew from vv. young, didn't really accept the label until 15 when I had a moment of clarity and thought 'I only have to come out to myself, for now, and since I personally am not homophobic what's the prob with that'.
So 15, but was quite aware well before puberty. I then switched back & forth using the terms bi & lesbian until I sort of gave myself permission to be picky in dating and just stick to women. Happy days

Flip

1 2 3