Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You've lost weight"

84 replies

venusandmars · 10/05/2018 13:52

Said to me by various friends....

Yes, I have. But so what? It was only just over a stone....

I had some health issues and in the last year I have made some significant changes to my lifestyle. This has massively improved my health issue and reduced medication, and in the process I've lost a bit of weight.

For clarification, at my previous weight my BMI was 'overweight', and now after losing one stone and a couple of pounds my BMI is comfortably within the 'normal' range. So I wasn't massively overweight before and I'm nowhere close to underweight now.

So AIBU to feel pissed off about friends commenting on my weight loss?

They never commented on my weight/size before, but now I think they must have been looking and thinking I was a bit porky.

Could they not think of something else positive to say? Like 'you're looking well' or 'that skirt looks good on you'

I met up with a group of friends last week and one said "oh you've lost weight" and then others joined in, looking at me and saying "yeah, your face is thinner" etc.

I felt really scrutinised.

Then this weekend at a barbeque a friend said (almost in an accusatory way) "you've lost weight!" And proceeded to point it out to others, and demand that I told her how I'd done it.

Well, it's been tough making the changes, but it wasn't about losing weight, so why is that all that they are talking about?

OP posts:
Elementtree · 10/05/2018 15:10

And then you have to quickly guess what that thing is. No pressure.

kateandme · 10/05/2018 15:14

myfriendbob neither do you get to tell me to step away from the internet im perfectly find with my usage.thanks for the concern though :)

Aylarose · 10/05/2018 15:16

I can see your point, I can also see theirs!

I understand that you're saying that weight really shouldn't be the major focus of people's interests/conversation but unfortunately it is in our society. Also that your friends could have been asking about your health instead- so that their focus was on being empathic towards/caring for you, rather than potentially focused on feeling jealous of your weight loss.

On the other hand they probably felt that they were paying you a compliment- I quite liked that people commented on my weight loss a few years ago when I lost some weight (I've since put it and more back on and more!).

InterstellarSleepingElla · 10/05/2018 15:19

Meh! I would be more offended if they said I looked well probably because the only time that has been said is when I got fatter

Elementtree · 10/05/2018 15:23

Surely, you look well means you look healthy and vibrant? Are those of you who dislike this complement channelling a 90s heroin chic style that they are offending?

kateandme · 10/05/2018 15:23

aylarose good points

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/05/2018 15:39

I've only ever been told I look well when I did. When I had lost a bit of weight, had a suntan or a new haircut!

Lovestonap · 10/05/2018 15:51

to me "you look well" is short for "you look well fed" :)
OP you've accomplished something a lot of people want to accomplish for themselves - why not share with them how you managed it rather than feeling miffed they commented?

You sound hard work.

Original poster
venusandmars · 10/05/2018 16:14

Thank you for you responses.

amazingpost voices wrote:
*Depending on the situation “you've lost weight” might mean:

You look pretty
You look healthier
You look more attractive
You look unwell
I’m concerned about you*

Yes, exactly! If I looked prettier, tell me; if I look unwell, tell me. But why focus on my weight. Yes people can see it, it is visible, but our interactions with each other are so much more than how we appear physically. We can be apathetic, we can be distracted, or warm or loving; we can have a sparkle in our eye and a spring in our step; we can be burdened with inner worries. It's all a lot more than whether I look like I've lost weight, and what I did to acheive that.

Am I hard work? Goodness, I hope not. I replied to my friends' questions, I still love them. I'm just posing a question here, about why the focus was on my weight, and whether I'm BU to feel a bit peed off about that.

OP posts:
MrsLupo · 10/05/2018 16:17

I've changed my lifestyle somewhat recently, partly for health reasons and partly for personal ones. I haven't lost weight but people have commented on how well I'm looking. Are we now saying they're actually calling me fat? Hmm I tend to take comments at face value but I'm beginning to see there's a whole weight-oriented language out there that's obviously been passing me by and I can't say I'm sad about it. I think this may be part of what I meant upthread when I said that everyone seems to be obsessed with weight as a means to make judgements. You would think with the world in the state it's in people would have better things to think and talk about.

annoyedofnorwich · 10/05/2018 16:19

God yes, I hate it too! Implication is "you looked shit before and now look marginally less shit- wow!" Wish people would keep it to themselves!

AmazingPostVoices · 10/05/2018 16:20

venus it’s a conversational opener. It gives you the opportunity to either shut down or open up the conversation.

You might not want to talk about your health at a BBQ, if so you can brush off the comment as a compliment. Alternatively if you do want to discuss it it gives you an opener.

It’s a fairly normal social interaction.

Snausage · 10/05/2018 16:21

But you have lost weight, right? They're just stating a fact. A bit like if you'd had your hair done, someone might say "ooh, you've had your hair done!"

Are you offended that people know you well enough to comment on a change?

MrsLupo · 10/05/2018 16:22

And no, you don't sound like hard work, OP. You sound like someone with a brain, who thinks about things and questions them. Odd how often that seems to be unwelcome on MN, when you'd think nearly everyone here has experienced how dispiriting it is to be criticised for it in RL.

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 10/05/2018 16:26

i've had Loads and loads of people at work telling me i have lost lots of weight. (4st so far not a size 12) its the best thing i have been told in years.

Get over yourself, its a compliment.

What you prefere them to say? you look fat

WhiskeyStone · 10/05/2018 16:27

I trunk a lot of people would take umbrage if they lost weight and friends didn't mention it. People are pleased for you and want tips for themselves!

CaptainCabinets · 10/05/2018 16:42

For goodness’ sake Hmm

You’ve lost weight, haven’t you? They’ve not just plucked that out of thin air. They are complimenting you on it. You’ve gone from overweight to a healthy weight and people have noticed. Get a grip!

AmazingPostVoices · 10/05/2018 16:47

As Snausage says it’s an observable physical change.

If you’d changed your hair colour or got a tattoo or started wearing glasses people would comment too.

It’s a sign they are interested in you and your life.

Lottapianos · 10/05/2018 16:56

'And no, you don't sound like hard work, OP. You sound like someone with a brain, who thinks about things and questions them'

Completely agree, which makes you a fairly rare breed on MN. Empathy is in short supply on this board it seems. What a shocker

DextroDependant · 10/05/2018 17:11

I have had surgery and as a result I have lost a stone (not weight loss surgery) I will be miffed if no one mentions it!

Also "you look well" means you have put weight on where I come from.

AmazingPostVoices · 10/05/2018 17:22

Dex you are looking fabulous! Grin

Lovestonap · 10/05/2018 17:23

No, critical thinking would be to wonder if people comment on weight loss only as reducing weight in this society is considered to be a desirable thing, and to consider what are the hegemonic processes which brought this about.

feeling 'peed off' means taking personal offence at something which wasn't intended to be offensive.

DextroDependant · 10/05/2018 17:36

Thanks Amazing I feel so much healthier too GrinGrin

HoldingTheLineWinston · 10/05/2018 17:42

People are giving you a big compliment..you might not like the way they are doing it, but their intentions are good, please try and accept it in that spirit. Believe me, if they were telling you you had gained weight you would not enjoy that.

gottachangethename1 · 10/05/2018 17:57

I get you op. I’ve lost 2 stone and have lost count of the people who’ve said, ‘you look too thin, haggard, scrawny.’ I’m dead in the middle of a normal BMI range and whilst it’s nice for people to compliment you for your efforts, these are greatly outweighed by the offensive comments. I almost preferred being bigger. No one made any comments then.