Got upset when DS told me he was thinking of moving out

[Unreasonablemum]

Yes I know I'm BU. But it just took me by surprise a bit and made me upset.

Ds is 19. Realistically he can't afford to move out yet because he earns £1000 a month, he's about to get a new car which is £300-350 and round here a room in a shared house is £500. But he's thinking about it. He's going to move out soon. And as much as I moan about his mess, noise, cooking for him, I will be devastated when he goes.

He does have a younger sibling (16) but the bond between me and DS has always been special, I was a single parent for 3 years from when he was born, just me and him, his dad has never been in the picture.

I feel bad because I've been promising him for the last 2 years I would sort out our cellar and make it into a den for him, and I've not done it. I feel if I had he wouldn't be so keen to leave

I know I should have my own exciting empty nester life but I don't. I have almost no friends who I feel I can rely on (I have a lot of fair weather acquaintances but if I don't call them I don't hear from them from 1 year to the next) and those I can are 100s of miles away. My relationship is basically on its last legs and I do a job I hate which is at least fairly well paid but because the salary is ok I'm disinclined to look for anything else.

So my life is pretty dull and boring hence I think my upset over DS going. I'm only 43 but I feel utterly despondent. And he's not even going yet!

Not unreasonable at all, I cried like a baby when my first moved out
When my second went to uni it was like someone had died!
None of this was in front of them I have to say
Doesn't matter how old they are , it's hard seeing them going off into the world

Hey I could have written this post op.

My ds 20 announces he's moving into a shared house with friends in the autumn.
He earns more than your ds but his expenditure on extravagance is unreal.
I worry how he will manage.
I cried when he told me as we have nearly finished building a fairly large outdoor structure complete with furniture sofa bed tv Xbox etc so each of the dc can have more space but also so ds and his gf have some privacy when she stays. It's cost a small bloody fortune and been te Bain of our lives.

I too was a single parent to ds u til he was 5 when I met now dh.
We are a really close family unit so I was stunned beyond belief when he said it to be honest. I cried and panicked and worried.

My dad and dh talked me round by reminding me I moved out myself at 18 and I've done a pretty good job so far

I wanted him to have some contingency behind him first for stability as I never did and lived by the seat of my pants for a while but he can't learn from my experiences,he has to have his own.

My dh also reminded me that actually it shows he wanting to spread his wings and be independent. I get that as I was always fiercely independent.

I am coming to terms with it now op and you will. I've offered practical help with a budget plan and have found set up furniture in places and sent him photos of it to help him and have been getting him to do much more for himself at home because I realise I actually do most things for him including washing and ironing,cooking,day to day stuff etc.
He does his lunch for work and empties dishwasher for me and tidies his own room but other than that he has no idea the effort it takes to be responsible or to food shop on a budget or to be in charge of your own washing and paperwork.

It's a good learning curve for them and as long as they know they can always come home if it doesn't work out then they need to grow up some time.

I think it's because it's the first born. It makes me feel old and not ready for it but I'm equally madly proud of him as he's growing into a lovely young man.

It sounds like this is about your life being dissatisfying rather than truly about your son.

If you're unhappy with your relationship, friendships and job, now is the time to think about how you can make changes for your own life.

I'm nearly 39 by the way.
I have two tounger dc ages nearly 8 and nearly 13.
It makes me realise how fast time is going and how quickly they are all growing up.
We enjoy as much time together as we can and I'm always available at any time of night or on messenger throughout the day for my dc and I can guarantee I hear from ds on a daily basis z

It's hard. My eldest is off to uni later this year, we are very close and I will miss her dreadfully. There will be tears. However, I try to look at it as a success - I raised a child who is an adult I am proud of, who has the confidence to leave us and start to strike out into her adult life.

She will be nearly 19 when she goes, I was just 18 when I went to uni and never looked back. I think that means my parents raised a confident and capable young woman and I love them for it.

I moved out when I was 18. Never moved home.

With my own children? I'm going to Beverley Goldberg the shit out of it when they are older.

OP.

I feel for you OP. DD1 is 19 and first year uni. Decided not to do halls but is going into a flatshare with her best mate and 2 others in September. She will only be within a 10 minute driveand will probably be home most days and will seee her at work but im still gutted. Shes always been wise beyond her years and has been my rock in a lot of ways.

Shes told me shes going to start stripping her room out when she finishes for summer so DD2 can get her own room quicker.

I don't have great associations with leaving home, as 1 of my parents died not long after I went to uni, and the other 6 weeks after I left home (having come back for a couple of years after uni). I feel like everything is ending.

I have no idea how to improve my life or feel positive about this. I was massively broody a couple of years ago but my partner wasn't keen. I think maybe I could see this time coming.

My Mum and Dad did my room up and bought me a new bed when I first mentioned moving out at about 19

I didn't leave till' I was 23 in the end.

I say congratulations, that is a job well done, OP. Our job as parents is to raise our children to be independent adults.

As for your friendships I think it can be hard to develop friendship when everyone has small children. Now you are at an age where you and your contemporaries have more free time and there will be more opportunities for making friends. You will probable have lower running costs when your oldest moves out so that is a good time to think about a change of career. I am probably a good twenty years older than you so to me you are still a wee slip of a thing with your whole life ahead of you.

If your DS is moving out, you have done a great job. You have created an independent person. Isn't this what everyone aims to do ? Surely, you don't want him living there at 30 + ?

Don't let him know that you're so upset. It wouldn't be fair as he'd either stay as he feels guilty or just feel awful if he does move out.

You get used to it.

I was like this but now DD has nearly finished uni and has her first professional job lined up, she will stay living in her uni city, and DS who graduated three years ago and whose first job meant living in two other cities for two years, has now come back whilst he saves for a house.

He isn't home much as he works long hours, DD visits and stays over for a few days regularly, it now feels as though neither have actually fully left, but now the house is usually tidy. Washing and cooking is far easier as there is less to do, it's actually ok you know. 💐

I know how you feel OP. My DS is younger but after a disagreement he keeps threatening to leave ( he has no money though) . My relationship soldiers on because DP has been ill. I have also promised to change his room so it's more his "den" but time and finances have intervened. We are having a difficult patch due to exam stress but I will be gutted when the time comes for him to leave .

I was late moving out because of relationship stuff and spending years and years studying for my now career. I wasn't sure how my dad would take me moving out, but he was great, and we were both worried about how our relationship would change. But it's been so good for us - he has more of a social life than ever now, we socialise still and infact spend more quality time together. We didn't annoy each other much before, but the bit we did has gone.

You sound lovely. It's quite likely that your kids may move in and out depending on where they're at in life anyway - my sister and I certainly have done - knowing there's that safety net is reassuring.

I really will miss him. I can't imagine him not being here every day. When they both move out...I don't know how I will cope with the loneliness.

You know they often move back in again?

I left home at 19yo and never went back. A family friend (one of my brother's friends) told me that mum bawled her eyes out at me leaving, but had she not treated me the way she did (constantly belittling me and making me feel like nothing more than a tolerated inconvenience), then I may have had a better relationship with her, and would probably have left it a bit later to move out.

She basically f*ed it up for herself, and instead of accepting what she'd done and apologising, she'd try and deny or justify what she'd put me through. When she couldn't do either of those, she would throw a shit-fit or give me the silent treatment. The usual behaviour that an emotionally and mentally immature person would engage in.

So OP, as much as I can imagine somewhat how you're feeling, it goes to prove that you've done a good job in helping and encouraging your DC to be independent and stand on their own 2 feet. You should be very proud of that. And be proud that your DC can come to you at any time, for help and advice.

I would love to have had a mum like you OP , BUT, the one good thing my mum DID teach me was how NOT to parent my own DC.

Sending you a , and

You have done a great job to have raised an independent young man, so when you're feeling down do reflect on that fact. However it's so hard when they leave. I never thought for one moment I would suffer from empty nest syndrome - fulfilling job, lovely husband, friends and hobbies. But it was like a bereavement when my only child left. Came to terms with it to a certain extent, for it to hit again after her wedding. We invest so much into motherhood, it's hard to step away and renegotiate a different reality. So many women suffer in silence with this. In the end the only answer is to forge ahead with your own life and be very grateful that you have a great relationship with them, even though they have left home. You will always be 'mum'!

Both of ours left home in the last year. Cried my heart out for a day but then realised I was also that independent and stubborn.

I have no idea how to have a parent child relationship once he leaves home because I never did as my parents died.

I don't have hobbies. No proper friends except for ones 100s of miles away. A relationship which may not last. My children mean more to me than any of that.

Support him, be excited for him and suggest that the three of you make a start on the cellar which will be there for both of them, will add value to your home and may encourage him to stay longer. However, I would also cultivate a closer relationship with your younger son and try to think of a way of expanding your own life, walking group? book club?
OU course?
My mum always told me that the only way to keep your children close is to let them go and it is true. All the best to all of you.

I was determined not to be an empty nester. I was proud of both my DC, one went abroad at 19 then worked and studied in different places only living with us briefly between jobs. The other came home after uni and worked at whatever was going until a graduate job offer came through in another county. We helped out occasionally with money, but not much as we've never been well off. They always knew they had a home if needed, something not all young people can rely on.

Both are successful in their careers with DC of their own. We bring up our children to hopefully become independent and responsible adults. I believe if we give them that freedom they'll usually want to return from time to time.

I'd be more concerned about him running up huge debts, from what you've said about his income and outgoings there doesn't seem much wiggle room for other expenses, food, petrol, car insurance, going out etc

Well, first of all congratulations on a job well done. Sounds as if you've raised a fine young man.

And yes it's sad when they want to move out. But it's really not the end. Moving out doesn't mean the end of your relationship. It doesn't even mean you'll be less close.So how to maintain that lovely relationship? Well, first you help him move. To the extent that he wants help that is. You can help him plan the finances, find a nice place to live (which might be a room in a shared house, since he doesn't earn much), buy him one or two nicer sheets or cooking pots than he can afford (or let him take some from home). Show him how to cook a few basics if he can't already. Then, you don't impose in him but you do invite him over to your house for tea, or out to the cinema or whatever else you both like, or for Sunday lunch. And call him for a (cheerful, even if you have to fake it!) chat about once a week, use social media to send him the occasional picture of something going on at home (even if it's just the cat being cute). Be there for him when he needs you - well not waiting in at home, but ready to make time for him.

And do try to find something else to do with your time as well, something that gives you a lift and isn't just work or cooking and cleaning up after your children. You sound a bit down about things in general.