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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Got upset when DS told me he was thinking of moving out

59 replies

Unreasonablemum · 10/05/2018 01:12

Yes I know I'm BU. But it just took me by surprise a bit and made me upset.

Ds is 19. Realistically he can't afford to move out yet because he earns £1000 a month, he's about to get a new car which is £300-350 and round here a room in a shared house is £500. But he's thinking about it. He's going to move out soon. And as much as I moan about his mess, noise, cooking for him, I will be devastated when he goes.

He does have a younger sibling (16) but the bond between me and DS has always been special, I was a single parent for 3 years from when he was born, just me and him, his dad has never been in the picture.

I feel bad because I've been promising him for the last 2 years I would sort out our cellar and make it into a den for him, and I've not done it. I feel if I had he wouldn't be so keen to leaveSad

I know I should have my own exciting empty nester life but I don't. I have almost no friends who I feel I can rely on (I have a lot of fair weather acquaintances but if I don't call them I don't hear from them from 1 year to the next) and those I can are 100s of miles away. My relationship is basically on its last legs and I do a job I hate which is at least fairly well paid but because the salary is ok I'm disinclined to look for anything else.

So my life is pretty dull and boring hence I think my upset over DS going. I'm only 43 but I feel utterly despondent. And he's not even going yet!

OP posts:
Thespringsthething · 10/05/2018 08:16

I wouldn't try to encourage him to stay longer unless he has a very specific goal like trying to save up for a deposit or do a course. I know several people who made life at home very cushy for their adult children, making mini-bedsits and making it lovely etc. It was indeed lovely for a while, but by late twenties they weren't moving on like their contemporaries and by late thirties some are still stuck there, living more as appendages to their parents' lives rather than independently functioning families. Several don't have relationships or not ones that seem to last. If you have a good relationship with your son, this will last, and you should be immensely proud your son is stretching his wings a bit, a lot don't. Also, it sounds like he's not off to uni at the mo and I think that it's great if he can leave at a similar time point to those that are- again, it's a taste of independent living.

I think living at home with your parents can work for a short while or for very specific reasons when older, but in general, I'll be encouraging my children to live independently from me, as keeping them in a permanent adolescence really isn't healthy.

BIWI · 10/05/2018 08:18

I'm sorry Sad

But you know it's the right thing for him to do, as he takes his steps into adulthood.

You need to start to focus on yourself now, though. I'd definitely look into starting some kind of hobby, but one where you'll meet other people.

Do you have any MNetters that live locally to you? Put a shout out for a local meet up. I know that can seem very daunting, but I've met some really lovely people through MN meet-ups. Even if they don't become best bosom pals, it's always nice to find that there are people living near by who you can chat with.

Have a look at next-door This will also allow you to find out more about your neighbourhood.

I'd also take charge of your relationship. If it's on its last legs, then you need to decide if you want it to continue. So I'd either arrange for you both to have counselling, to improve things if possible, or I'd end the relationship. Being in an unsatisfactory relationship isn't great for your mental health, and you do sound very down.

Do you do any exercise? Again, this can be a great way to make yourself feel better - but can also be a way to meet people.

Original poster
Unreasonablemum · 10/05/2018 08:19

I think its different if you're in a long term relationship/ still with DCs dad. Then I can see it just seems like the next step in life. But I'm not in that position.

I will push on and get the cellar done though. It has its own separate access so will make a nice den.

OP posts:
pigmcpigface · 10/05/2018 08:19

In the gentlest way, I think you are being unreasonable.

This is a really important step for your DS. It's critical to him becoming a grown man - someone you can be proud of - someone resilient, independent, who can manage his own place and his own work without help from Mum. If he's to live a happy and securely attached life as an adult, he needs to do this bit of growing up. It's not a rejection of you - it's just the next phase of your relationship.

"I know I should have my own exciting empty nester life but I don't. I have almost no friends who I feel I can rely on"

I think this is a bit dangerous. You can't rely on your son for social contact or for happiness at work. It's not his 'job' to compensate for your relationship, your employment situation, or your friendship situation. It sounds like it's time for you to start looking after yourself, and developing new interests and hobbies of your own. I really understand how daunting it is, but once you get out there and start doing a few things, you'll find loads of new friends and new activities. Do the course you've always wanted to do, learn that new skill, take up a sport. You got this.

Original poster
Unreasonablemum · 10/05/2018 08:21

Ah bugger, name change fail. Oh well...

OP posts:
AnnabelleLecter · 10/05/2018 08:24

A cellar den wouldn't have kept me at home at that age. It's normal to want to spread your wings. You need to get your mojo back, this is really about you in a rut. First either your relationship is salvagable or not but I couldn't live in that situation.
Holiday, day or evening out, new hobby, makeover, new job? What do want from this stage of your life?

speakout · 10/05/2018 08:52

*It sounds like this is about your life being dissatisfying rather than truly about your son.

If you're unhappy with your relationship, friendships and job, now is the time to think about how you can make changes for your own life.*

I agree with this.
OP if your son's idea is not financially sound be prepared to have him back again soon.

Personally as a parent of an 18 year old about to to to University and a 20 year old I am looking forward to having some space in the house and having the freedom and time for my own ventures.

I have a newish business which is doing really well, but I am excited to grow it further, plans for a web site.
I will up my exercise which ai Have been wanting to do for years, maybe train as a yoga instructor, take lots more holidays and mini trips,

While the thought of my kids leaving is a little bit sad, I am also excited about my own future.

EthelHornsby · 10/05/2018 09:05

I think you are being unfair on your son - you want him to stay to provide the companionship and relationship you don’t have from partner/friends and that is wrong and would be very limiting for him - do not cling on, be glad he is developing his own independent life, and put some work into developing one of your own

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 10/05/2018 09:14

On the bright side, there's no guarantee he's going to stay living somewhere else Grin

What's that woo expression about children only being yours on loan, you don't own them etc. Give yourself a pat on the back and embrace your new relationship with him.

Original poster
Unreasonablemum · 10/05/2018 09:17

I've always worked Ft and long hours. My kids never had early bedtimes partly because they didn't need as much sleep as some but also because I always really enjoyed their company. You know how some parents say they need time tot themselves in the evening, that was never me.

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 10/05/2018 09:19

I felt like that hen my girls went to University. It was awful.
BUT you a) get used to it and b) they do tend to come back!

One of mine has never returned home to live and is 300 miles away, but we text, phone and she comes home every so often when work allows. The other lived away for two years and then retuned home after a relationship breakup..I probably have her til next Xmas when I think she will look for another flat. I LOVE having her back home..we are very close, but I know I can't hang on to her..she is an adult and has her own path to follow.

I suspect if he is 19 and not good with money he is likely to return sooner rather than later, but you really musn't hang on to him.. he is not there to complete your life. Be positive and proud and start finding hobbies for yourself (I took up the guitar as I have no friends close by)
It will be ok!

whattheactualbleep · 10/05/2018 09:57

Op I don't think it matters if you have the dh fulfilling career great friends and other dc.
I have all of these. I also just nearly finished building an outdoor room at huge cost.
None of these things stop them wanting to spread their wings.
I'm viewing it as a positive thing for him.
We will adapt
Bows the time for you to rebuild a life for yourself op x

Coyoacan · 10/05/2018 15:45

Op I don't think it matters if you have the dh fulfilling career great friends and other dc

I don't have even a bf let alone a dh and I like my work but that is it. However I always knew my dd would grow up and leave home.

Of course it is painful but how really do have to develop your own friendships and interests. You would not want your son to sacrifice his life to fill your emptiness.

Lilacwine1 · 10/05/2018 16:01

My son moved in with his girlfriend when he was twenty, but he moved out gradually, staying at her house weekends taking bits and pieces of his belongings, until he was staying there more than he was at home. He later told me, he knew it would upset me if he moved out, so that was why he did it over the space of about six months.😢

Lilacwine1 · 10/05/2018 16:09

Meant to say OP, you sound like a really nice person. He may be returning home sooner than you think, if his out goings and incoming don't quite add up.

Original poster
Unreasonablemum · 10/05/2018 16:20

He's not going yet. But he will be in the next year or two. Which I hadn't prepared myself for.

I think saying you need more interests...people forget the reality of working and being a single parent. There really hasn't been time. And if I think back to my pre child days my interests were shopping and going out/ getting hammered Blush

As for friends, you can't really make that happen, with the best will in the world, it's a bit like finding a partner when you're single - and everyone tells you to just go out and meet people. But there's no guarantee it will end in a relationship, just as I can't make people be my friend!

OP posts:
WhiskeyStone · 10/05/2018 16:30

Renovate the cellar, he will probably stay for a bit.

Allthebubbles · 10/05/2018 16:40

If you can afford it, I'd get some counselling around losing your parents at that age. I think it is definitely a big thing reaching milestones that your parents didn't get too they died younger.
I moved out of home for uni and haven't lived with my parents at all since I was 21and we are so close. I love spending time with them. I'm sure you and your son will be able to build this too.

EthelHornsby · 10/05/2018 16:59

I have worked full-time and been a single parent. I have not had a romantic relationship since my husband died, and have never had the knack of making friends. I do frequently feel lonely and occasionally pointless. However I would never be so unfair as to expect my children to fill that gap - that’s my problem. They deserve to live their own lives and not be responsible for my happiness. Your son will not only move out but probably have relationships and start his own family - read the MIL threads on here - you do not want to be that one! Renovate the cellar by all means but you would be better investing the time and effort in developing your own life

Dozer · 10/05/2018 17:01

Why are you cooking for him and putting up with mess?

Coyoacan · 10/05/2018 17:30

people forget the reality of working and being a single parent

Sorry, that is not easy to forget as it has been my reality for many years.

You seem to think that you are the only person who have ever been in this situation but there are millions of us and we let our children go when the time comes.

You say you had no interests before you had children, do you still have no interests? Can't be very stimulating for your children, but it is never too late to start looking around and cultivating some. If you are under eighty years of age, there is still time for a life after children.

Original poster
Unreasonablemum · 10/05/2018 17:48

I'm not saying I'm the only one in my position. However most people I know have a husband, extended family. I don't. And advice like having more time for hobbies and interests, I've never had time for any, I've been too busy working ft to support my family and then spending time with them outside work. The only people I know who have hobbies are childless or don't work and it's not stuff I would be interested in even if I suddenly had more time (gardening - to me it's a job to do, not an interest; ditto DIY etc. I enjoy driving and having a car but again it's a function not an interest. I'm not at all sporty. I read a lot but I dont particularly regard that as an interest). Possibly that makes me boring. I think back to my parents and I can't remember them having any hobbies. There simply wasn't time in their lives.

And I'm not 'not letting my child go'. Thankfully he isn't going just yet so I have time to try and adjust to the idea. I can't stop him but I think it's understandable I'm not delighted about it. Both my DC are incredibly important to me. DS was born a year after my remaining parent died, at the lowest point in my life. He gave my life a purpose and meaning. I was completely on my own with him, no partner, no parents, all through my pregnancy and birth up until he was 3. I'm not saying that's unique but it certainly isn't the norm.

Hence I cannot help but feel sad that our time together is coming to an end, and apprehensive about the time to come and the inevitable loneliness.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 10/05/2018 17:59

Surely most people's dc are important to them? The trouble here is that they seem to be the only thing you care about and that's not healthy for them or you.

You're used to working hard and you are still easily young enough to retrain - perhaps in a profession that brings you into contact with children/young adults you could really make a difference to. That would bring much more meaning into your life once your dc move out.

flopsyrabbit1 · 10/05/2018 18:03

i get it op,you are not alone Flowers

CocoaGin · 10/05/2018 18:08

Our middle DD moved out at 19 - I was utterly heartbroken. Her BF at the time lived on a large farm and his parents gave him a property on it that had been previously let. I didn't approve, but also knew I couldn't stop her. After a year, she was home - she was fed up of washing, cleaning, cooking and managing bills! I can't tell you how relieved I was, and she's been back for 2 years now. We still have our youngest at 19 still here.
And oddly enough, I've come round to accepting they will all go - and may all come back. We have a lovely home that they all seem to gravitate back to - our eldest has children of her own but she spends more time here now than she did when she lived here.
It's a funny process, letting them go Flowers.