Got upset when DS told me he was thinking of moving out

[Unreasonablemum]

Yes I know I'm BU. But it just took me by surprise a bit and made me upset.

Ds is 19. Realistically he can't afford to move out yet because he earns £1000 a month, he's about to get a new car which is £300-350 and round here a room in a shared house is £500. But he's thinking about it. He's going to move out soon. And as much as I moan about his mess, noise, cooking for him, I will be devastated when he goes.

He does have a younger sibling (16) but the bond between me and DS has always been special, I was a single parent for 3 years from when he was born, just me and him, his dad has never been in the picture.

I feel bad because I've been promising him for the last 2 years I would sort out our cellar and make it into a den for him, and I've not done it. I feel if I had he wouldn't be so keen to leave

I know I should have my own exciting empty nester life but I don't. I have almost no friends who I feel I can rely on (I have a lot of fair weather acquaintances but if I don't call them I don't hear from them from 1 year to the next) and those I can are 100s of miles away. My relationship is basically on its last legs and I do a job I hate which is at least fairly well paid but because the salary is ok I'm disinclined to look for anything else.

So my life is pretty dull and boring hence I think my upset over DS going. I'm only 43 but I feel utterly despondent. And he's not even going yet!

Out of interest, how old are you?

And do you live in a town or a village?

As per my OP, I'm 43. Live in a small town on the outskirts of a city.

I'm sorry, but you are sounding increasingly like a martyr here.

And your time 'isn't coming to an end' - he's not dying!

You have to think about your own life from now on. You can't expect your son to be your focus - he has his own life to lead.

I know that when your children are small they take up all your time, especially if you're a single parent, but that isn't - or shouldn't - be the case when they're more independent. You are making excuses now.

It's tough, getting out of your routine and meeting new people. But you're ruling it out without even trying.

Kids go backwards and forwards like boomerangs. Don't expect this to be the end of the story. Chances are he'll be back as soon as he realises he'll have to do his own shopping, cooking, washing and budget his money sensibly. It won't leave much money for leisure, clubbing, footie, girls etc. So give him a smile and wish him well. He'll be back!

Your kids are not responsible for you feeling lonely. I moved out when I was 22 and back in again when I was 24. I didn't leave again until I got married at 31 because my mum used s bit of emotional blackmail (why would you want to move out when I do so much for you etc) I should have made the long before I did. You need to let him spread his wings.

I'm not being a martyr I'm being a realist.

I am out of the house for up to 12 hours a day with work. When I come home I have housework, cooking, chores to do, spend whatever time I can with my DC, we try and eat together most nights, and at the weekend. I also fit in some time with my partner. That doesn't leave much other time. I don't really find I have any more or less time than I ever have if I'm honest.

I've no idea where I'm supposed to meet new people. I did consider joining a local discussion group last year. However they meet at 6 and I'm not back from work at that time. I used to go to an exercise class; no one ever spoke to anyone there! The only friends in even the vaguest sense I've made in the last years were either people I work with (am now in a managerial role so can't have work friendships) or mums from my DCs schools. My partner doesn't know anyone in our town either.

I've not said my children are responsible for how I feel or that I will force them to stay. I am just really deeply sad that this stage of our lives is coming to an end. They are my only family which is very tough and unless you're in the same position you can't really understand how it feels. I also have nothing to model our future relationship on because I never had the chance to live apart from my parents.

Do your DC share the domestic work? If not, whynot?

I understand everything you say and going through OP. You have every right to feel the way you do. And, as for some of the posts saying you should get a social life, you will when you want to and not due to the fact, you DS has left home.

I did try to suggest some ways to start forging your future relationship with him?

As for your social life - I agree it isn't easy to build a social life and friendships. You are right that no-one can guarantee that you will make friends, no matter what you do, but then again, if you don't go out and socialise then it's pretty much guaranteed that you wont make friends. Groups vary, and some activities are more sociable than others. Exercise classes tend not to be. Walking groups, on the other hand, often chat as they go along, and have a pub lunch together. You need to try a few different things. And experiment with interests you haven't had a chance to follow up before or things you have never tried.