Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to ask for this back?

60 replies

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 17:52

I have a "frend" who makes me feel like a chore to her to even text me back. My partner/fiance recently died. We were going to be getting married this month. He died suddenly . I got this friend a gift that was handmade in my fiance's country a couple years ago and sent it from the country. One of the gifts (there's 2) was handmade and from the neighborhood we stayed in for a month on a getaway we planned when we first became a serious couple. The friend in question got me a luggage tag for a birthday gift recently less than 2 weeks after he passed away. That's right, a luggage tag. To tell you the truth, I think she had it laying around her house.

I recently got her and her daughter thoughtful gifts, nicely wrapped.

I want to ask for the gifts back that I gave her from my fiance's country but I'm reluctant to do so. I know it isnt right to ask for gifts back, but this situation is different as he died and those things are sentimental to me. We picked them out together and one of them is the only thing from that neighborhood I mentioned. Both are handmade. These items have no sentimental value to her. Then again, I think maybe I shouldn't because I might think about the fact I had to ask for them back from her.

I feel upset with this friend and I feel like I've gone above and beyond for her and she makes me feel like a chore. Also, I'm only staying in her area for a short time and will be leaving soon (don't have residency in her country) and she knows this. I'm leaving in a matter of days. SHe makes me feel blown off. I don't know why I have bothered to go out of my way for her in the past or send her something from his country. I thought our friendship meant something but actions speak louder than words. She will say sweet things but then her actions say otherwise (blowing me off, etc at the last minute/cancelling plans).

OP posts:
Rainagain1 · 09/05/2018 17:55

Sorry for your loss.

Ask for it back if you want it and explain reasons.
Good luck!

ILikeMyChickenFried · 09/05/2018 17:56

I'd give it back under these circumstances. Good luck Flowers

ChasedByBees · 09/05/2018 17:58

I think you could ask and say it has sentimental value. I’m sorry for your loss, that must be so hard.

jedenfalls · 09/05/2018 17:58

I’d offer to buy it back off her,

Explain the extreme sentimental value of the item, offer cash or equivalent item. I would gladly give you the item in those circumstances. Who wouldn’t.

If she agrees you get the item, if she says no she looks like a heartless dick. Either way, you never have to see her again.

leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 17:59

I think you're conflating lots of issues and funneling your anger into her, and Im not sure from what youve said that thats fair.

So shes been a bit of a flake and didnt get you a gift that was as thoughtful as you would have liked. Im not sure that warrants so much anger towards her.

But of course you can ask her for the two gifts, and if shes a good person, she wont hesitate.

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 18:00

Buy it back? I'm not giving her money for it. I bought it and shipped it to her which cost a fortune. She throws me scraps in return. And I recently gave her and her daughter gifts - nice gifts.

OP posts:
leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 18:01

So why do you continue giving nice gifts to someone you believe treats you like shit?

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 18:01

I wanted to ask for it back before she gave me the luggage tag. I'm not angry at her. I think this is just who she is. I gave her gifts after she got me that luggage tag.

OP posts:
poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 18:02

leaveandletleave that will be the last time for sure.

OP posts:
DalmatianDots · 09/05/2018 18:05

Someone gave me something that I didn’t realise was of sentimental value to them and then asked me for it back. I had taken it to a charity shop.

Are you sure she still has it? If she does then I am sure she will give it back.

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 18:06

Yes I'm sure she still has it.

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 09/05/2018 18:08

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I understand why your annoyed with her but I don't think you can give people gifts and then ask for them back because they give you a crap gift.
You should probably just accept that this person is not a very good friend and drop her.

Hopefully she might do the decent thing and give it back though if you explain why it means so much to you.

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 18:14

That's not why i want to ask for it back, did you read my post? I also gave her nice gifts recently (and her daughter) That I'm not asking to take back at all. What I want to ask to have back is something I bought two years ago with my fiance in an area that meant something to us.

OP posts:
Petalflowers · 09/05/2018 18:15

I'm sorry for your loss.

I also don’t think you can ask for a give back, because the one she gave you was inferior. Some people are good present buyers, others aren’t. It was your decesion to buy your friend the nice gifts, not her.

However, you could ask her to return explaining the sentimental reason.

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 18:19

Sigh. I feel like some people aren't reading my post carefully before replying. I gave her two different sets of gifts. The first one is the sentimental one bought two years ago. Second one was recent AFTER she gave me the crap gift this year. I still gave her nice gifts (and her daughter) after she gave me the thing she gave me. I'm only wanting to ask for the thing that is sentimental to me - bought 2 years ago with my fiance. Not the recent gift that I gave her.

OP posts:
youwouldthink · 09/05/2018 18:37

I'm sorry for your loss. But you really can't ask for gifts back. Giving to receive will never work. I understand you are saying its sentimental and we often are very emotional and even angry when something like this happens.
You need to ask yourself if you are doing this because you are annoyed the standard of gift you got didn't meet your expectations

LiteraryDevil · 09/05/2018 18:38

I'm sorry for your loss but I really don't think it's on to ask for a gift back. It would be far better to return to that neighbourhood once you feel able to do so and buy something special by which to remember your fiance.

Angrybird345 · 09/05/2018 18:39

Ask her! What have you got to loose? Explain your liking but because of the memories of your fiance et cetera, if she’s a friend she’ll give them back. If she doesn’t then chuck the luggage tag at her!

Angrybird345 · 09/05/2018 18:39
  • Explain your asking because of the associated memories.
Barbaro · 09/05/2018 18:46

Ask her. You won't be able to let it go if you don't, which is understandable. Explain why you want it back as its part of yours and your fiancé's past and you want a memory of it. If she says no, she looks heartless and you've at least tried. Not like it matters offending her, she's not a very nice person anyway. She doesn't mind offending you after all.

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 18:46

Of course she will give it back!!! Anyone would. You’re not being unreasonable. If you sure she still has it. Of course it means so much to you now, she will understand that.
She may feel unfirtanke talking about your grief even though you need a friend. She is failing you but she may not know how to respond. Don’t be too angry with her.
Also just to say a handmade gift from a foreign country may be thoughtful and expensive but it’s not everyone’s taste. Did she feel obliged to display it in her home? She may just value practical gifts like luggage tags more. That doesn’t make Her a bad person.

icelollycraving · 09/05/2018 18:46

Sorry for the loss of your partner.
I do think it’s generally rude to ask for gifts back. However from the way you talk about her, it sounds like you aren’t particularly fond of her. Your reasons are personal and I sincerely hope she agrees. Was she actually pleased with the gift that needed shipping etc? If not, it may be a good way for her to give it back.
If you ask and she says no then it will probably always be awkward. If she says yes, result. It doesn’t hurt to ask.

FatBottomedGal · 09/05/2018 18:49

Jesus Christ people. A friend of mine recently lost her husband, if she asked me for ANYTHING right now she’d have it, no questions asked and no bad feelings.

OP, if you think it will help you at this awful time, just ask. I’m so sorry for your loss.

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 19:16

@literarydevil & @you would think: Obviously I didn't give to receive! After she got me a luggage tag as a birthday gift, I bought her and her daughter nice gifts. I'm not talking about asking for that back at all! I'm talking about asking for the gifts back that I got her in a foreign country - in a neighborhood I can't go to again because it's very far away in a little area of Cape Town. I will not be going back to that area. And yes she has it displayed in her home. I'm a really good gift giver and I've been very thoughtful with her. My fiance died in a sudden car accident and we were going to be getting married this month. I never give to receive anything. This is about sentimental value and the loss of the closest person in my life.

OP posts:
Furano · 09/05/2018 19:18

Ask. I’d give it you back!