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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want to ask for this back?

60 replies

poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 17:52

I have a "frend" who makes me feel like a chore to her to even text me back. My partner/fiance recently died. We were going to be getting married this month. He died suddenly . I got this friend a gift that was handmade in my fiance's country a couple years ago and sent it from the country. One of the gifts (there's 2) was handmade and from the neighborhood we stayed in for a month on a getaway we planned when we first became a serious couple. The friend in question got me a luggage tag for a birthday gift recently less than 2 weeks after he passed away. That's right, a luggage tag. To tell you the truth, I think she had it laying around her house.

I recently got her and her daughter thoughtful gifts, nicely wrapped.

I want to ask for the gifts back that I gave her from my fiance's country but I'm reluctant to do so. I know it isnt right to ask for gifts back, but this situation is different as he died and those things are sentimental to me. We picked them out together and one of them is the only thing from that neighborhood I mentioned. Both are handmade. These items have no sentimental value to her. Then again, I think maybe I shouldn't because I might think about the fact I had to ask for them back from her.

I feel upset with this friend and I feel like I've gone above and beyond for her and she makes me feel like a chore. Also, I'm only staying in her area for a short time and will be leaving soon (don't have residency in her country) and she knows this. I'm leaving in a matter of days. SHe makes me feel blown off. I don't know why I have bothered to go out of my way for her in the past or send her something from his country. I thought our friendship meant something but actions speak louder than words. She will say sweet things but then her actions say otherwise (blowing me off, etc at the last minute/cancelling plans).

OP posts:
Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 19:19

There’s no question. Of course she will give it back and be delighted to!! I can’t imagine any other scenario.
You being angry with her is another topic. Try not to let it affect the way you approach this.
She will be delighted to give it to you if it offers some small comfort.

sonjadog · 09/05/2018 19:23

Ask her. She can just say no if she doesn’t want to.

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 19:28

Who would say no to a grieving woman!!!????

wellBeehivedWoman · 09/05/2018 19:39

I think people are focusing on the second gifts because you brought them up in your OP which makes it seem like they're connected iyswim?

I totally understand your reasons and under the circumstances I think any decent person would give them back. I'd do anything for a friend who lost their partner if I thought it would help.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you are ok.

SilverySurfer · 09/05/2018 20:05

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't determine from your posts whether you want to ask for the gifts back because of sentimental reasons or because she bought you a luggage tag for your birthday.

Whether it's both or either, I personally would never ask for a gift to be returned.

Original poster
poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 23:29

I said it was for sentimental reasons numerous times. And i gave her gifts AFTER she gave me the luggage tag.

I gave her the sentimental gift in 2016.

OP posts:
Original poster
poppyinbloom · 09/05/2018 23:30

And SIlvery, have you lost your fiance in a sudden, traumatic way when he was way too young to die? You have no right to judge me or say you wouldn't til you've lived through this hell.

OP posts:
midnightmisssuki · 09/05/2018 23:34

Sorry for your loss.

I think it’s rude to ask for any gift back in general, but this is a very different circumstance. Just explain and ask - she will probably understand and give it back.

Poptart4 · 10/05/2018 00:15

I think its rude to ask for gifts back and people saying she'll be happy to give it back are making huge assumptions.

Did you not buy your own souvenirs when you were in Cape Town with your dp?? Why are you so focused on this one particular item? You say its sentimental, but if that's the case why give it away in the first place?

You sound very angry with your friend and I don't blame you. From the sounds of it your going through a hell of a time and she's massively let you down.

You can of course ask and explain your reasons but she has every right to say no and you need to be prepared for that.

I'm so very sorry for your loss op x

Slanetylor · 10/05/2018 00:17

I don’t know another human being who wouldn’t love to give you back a precious momento of your fiancé. Am I that out of touch?
I really hope not.
But I’d ask her when you’re feeling more at ease with her.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 10/05/2018 00:19

Be prepared just in case she says no, it is a distinct possibility.

Wolfiefan · 10/05/2018 00:21

I think it's odd to ask for it back. I understand that you're grieving but it clearly wasn't of great sentimental value when you gifted it. To ask for it back two years later is weird.
I would focus instead on all the other things that belong to you that have sentimental value. Or travel back and buy something special.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/05/2018 00:23

No decent person could refuse to give them back under these circumstances. Ask and see what she says. If she says no then she is no friend.

Flowers for you.

PintOfMineralWater · 10/05/2018 00:47

I'm really sorry for your loss. I would ask for the item back, but resign yourself to not getting it back.

OlennasWimple · 10/05/2018 00:51

separate out her poor taste in gift giving. That's immaterial

The issue is that there is an object which would be very meaningful to you but which you gave to her. What have you got to lose by asking her for it? You should acknowledge that it's bad form to ask for a present back, and you should really offer to get her another gift (see my first comment about this not being about the luggage tag....). Hopefully she will happily agree

Flowers Sorry for your loss

incywincybitofa · 10/05/2018 00:52

I don't want to add to your upset but are you sure she still has the gift from your special visit . How would you cope if she didn't have it anymore

Whitesea · 10/05/2018 00:57

I think Poptart has made some excellent points.

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

MadMags · 10/05/2018 01:01

I’m sorry for your loss.

You can, of course, ask for it back. She could say no but she probably won’t.

I don’t know why you made a big deal about the luggage tag if it’s irrelevant...

Linning · 10/05/2018 01:03

Sorry for your loss, OP, I would ask for it back, I can't think of a moment where I would be annoyed at a friend for asking for a gift back due to sentimental value (even if nobody had died) let alone if one of my friend had lost someone close to them. Hopefully she says yes, if not I will be in Cape Town in a few weeks if sending you something from that small area may help (if I can, though it probably won't replace the sentimental value that the gift you picked with your fiancé had).

ReanimatedSGB · 10/05/2018 01:04

I'm sorry for your loss, but I am not sure that demanding this item back from your friend will make you feel better, even if she does agree to give it to you (and she may not want to. If you harass her with repeated demands for an object that is legally her property, things might get even more unpleasant and stressful for you.)

I think you have focussed on this object as something you might be able to control - you can demand your friend gives you this memento. But it's an object. It's not your fiance. If she refuses to give it to you and you embark on a campaign to force her to do so, the final outcome may be even worse for you, psychologically, because you cannot force her to hand the thing over when you gave it as a gift two years ago. If you make a public fuss and enlist others to bully and berate her, she may dig her toes in, simply because she thinks you are being unfair. And getting it will still not bring your fiance back.

Original poster
poppyinbloom · 10/05/2018 01:13

Linning, that is really sweet of you.

Reanimated, you're totally off the mark. I never said I would demand anything. That's why I used the word "ask." Enlist others to bully and berate her? I take offense to that and no such notion was ever made by me. I'm deep in grief right now and I have no energy to bully somoene and even if I did, I wouldn't because that's not who I am. I take offense to your comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
poppyinbloom · 10/05/2018 01:23

I probably won't ask for it back now. Tbh I'm having a bigger crisis tonight. I'm renting a room from this old woman and got home from a walk tonight and she screamed and belittled me in front of her grandkids. SHe went in my room when I wasn't here and snooped around. The shower had drain cleaner in it. Because it had been having problems draining, it wasn't very clean at the time. I was going to come home and clean it. She screamed and yelled violently at me. I'm 3 months out from losing my fiance and hurting every day. I try to mask it, but it isn't easy. The way she yelled at me makes me miss him even worse... he would have helped me through this and comforted me. I am so alone now. There's no one to protect me now. She knows I lost him and she still did this anyway. And in front of her grandkids. It makes me feel like a damn peasant.

OP posts:
Whitesea · 10/05/2018 01:29

Poppy you sound so hurt and are probably focusing on the wrong things. Do you have any friends or family nearby that you could stay with for some time? You are grieving and you would benefit from somebody taking care of you, we all need support at times. Does your workplace offer any sort of counselling? Can you talk to anyone? x

Monty27 · 10/05/2018 01:31

Sorry for your loss.
I wouldn't ask for a gift back.
And if her gifts are crap it's not the point.
Maybe your friend cherishes it too.

freakinbananaspiders · 10/05/2018 01:34

Hi. I'm sorry for your loss - it must be so hard for you right now. I would perhaps go round to your friend's house and ask if you could take a picture of the item and explain how much it means to you after what has happened. A good friend would offer it back in an instant. If she doesn't print out the picture and put it in a lovely frame so you never forget what it means to you. Only you can decide whether you want to stay friends depending on what happens.
Big hugs x

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