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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think demanding friends are rude?

71 replies

leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 16:42

Im a pretty introverted person and dont like how some people behave like you kind of owe them your time.

I know what makes me sound mean. What i mean is if i fancy catching up or meeting up with someone ill text, and if i dont hear back ill just assume they're busy or have stuff going on atm, or just dont have the energy or whatever. Ill then leave it and assume the person will just get back to me whenever is right for them, and then will get on with other stuff.

But i have a few friends who seem to want to bully me into responding to them - theyll call or repeat text until they finally push me into feeling so bad i have to give them a sign.

I get its polite to respond to a text or call. But equally isnt my time mine to do whatever i want with? What makes people think they have a right to your attention if you see what i mean?

To me a sign of a good friendship is live and let live, and letting people be who they are, with their own pace and needs, not trying to force/guilt people into interacting with you because youre bored/want to gosspi with/cant handle being alone/whatever other reason.

Am i just an antisocial freak or do i have a point?

OP posts:
auditqueen · 09/05/2018 16:46

I get its polite to respond to a text or call

You said it. Just text back and say no, then they can make other arrangements.

Snowysky20009 · 09/05/2018 16:46

Ah? Surely a reply to a text takes seconds, not exactly all your time?

Dieu · 09/05/2018 16:50

Really sorry OP, but I think you're the rude one. You can't honestly expect your friends to wait in limbo for you.

Tobuyornot99 · 09/05/2018 16:50

I'm sort of with you op, sometimes I feel like I haven't the head space to be "on" in the evening after work / kids etc. Luckily I have chosen low maintenance, laid back friends for myself, I don't pursue friendships with people who like to constantly text /call. It works for me, but maybe I'm a grumpy cow Smile

Shoxfordian · 09/05/2018 16:53

Yeah you are rude to just ignore people

Lindah1 · 09/05/2018 16:55

It's polite to give a quick reply even just to say you're busy and will catch up soon

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/05/2018 16:55

Sounds a bit of a mountain out of a molehill situation to be honest.

A text takes seconds to send. Sitting stewing about it surely isn't worth the headspace.

Sirzy · 09/05/2018 16:56

So people want to meet up or do something and you ignore them? Not even a “sorry can’t make that”?

I don’t think it will be an issue soon tbh as people will just stop asking you!

Smeddum · 09/05/2018 16:56

People who demand instant replies get on my nerves, so I’m not friends with them.

We all need a bit of head space sometimes, and it’s ok to need it and expect that to be respected. If your friends don’t respect it then you might be better to find better friends.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 09/05/2018 16:57

Are you just not replying whatsoever? Or just taking your time to reply?

Birdshitbridgegotme · 09/05/2018 16:57

You are the rude one. I'm surprised u still have any friends if u don't text back to at least say no or return a call. A simple no, sorry I'm busy would be fine.

Racecardriver · 09/05/2018 17:01

You are the ride one. If takes five seconds to text back. If you don't text then you leave them unable to make /alter plans until they know whether you have accepted the invitation or not. You seem to think that your time is more important than theirs.

sonjadog · 09/05/2018 17:02

I think there are different attitudes to this, none are wrong but in friendship groups they don't mix. Some people think that non-replying is rude. I am more like you. I see a text an invitation to communication rather than a summons, so I only answer if I want to. Although I think text with an invitation is different thing so I would always reply to that. My friends have much the same attitude as I do to texting, which I don't think is coincidental.

Original poster
leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 17:02

No, im not talking about making plans, i mean wanting to chat by text or FB messenger

OP posts:
Sirzy · 09/05/2018 17:05

Even then to completely ignore is rude. Reply later - fair enough, reply with a “sorry but busy will catch you later” - fair enough. Ignoring is rude

Trinity66 · 09/05/2018 17:09

Drives me crazy when people don't respond to a text, really rude. All you have to say is "I'm a bit busy at the moment, I'll call you next week" or something along those lines, even if you're feeling anti social a simple text message isn't to invasive

Ohyesiam · 09/05/2018 17:12

You can’t ignore people, it just leaves them hanging.

haverhill · 09/05/2018 17:13

Yanbu. I have a friend like this and tbh it hurts my feelings and pisses me off. A text takes literally seconds.

haverhill · 09/05/2018 17:13

I mean yabu!

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2018 17:15

You have really low standards if you don't expect friends to reply to your texts.

It doesn't excuse your own rude ignorance in not doing so yourself.

notsohippychick · 09/05/2018 17:17

Sorry OP, you are being rude. If you don’t want to chat a simple “sorry can’t chat now, speak later?” will do.

That took me all of ten seconds to type. Hardly eating away at my free time!

Original poster
leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 17:19

Theres clearly something wrong with me then.

I think im having a burnout. I havent had a holiday in a year and i just feel mentally dead abd like i dont have any energy to give, even to text. I dont feel depressed, just psychologically heavy and numb.

OP posts:
Juiceylucy09 · 09/05/2018 17:20

I am with you OP. I suffer with PMDD one half of the month I am completely anti social. I clock watch the hours for the days to end, I am introverted anyway. I do not expect friends to know it's a bad fortnight.

I have one friend in particular who will text, call the house phone, then call in. She never listens, talks incessantly about herself, her hobbies and interests. When I see her text ping I curl up.

I would send a quick text back, but also know with certain people one reply adds to 10 texts, usually with an invite at the end. If they are not close friends create a distance.

RedSkyAtNight · 09/05/2018 17:20

It depends how long you leave it really.

If it's a chatty text/email/call i.e. not something making plans or needing immediate response, then I think it's fine to leave it until you have more time to compose a reply.

Not responding after more than a few days (even if just to say "sorry really busy, no time to chat right now) is rude.

I personally don't get the "must send text back immediately" thing. I'd rather wait longer and get more than a short reply.

ConciseandNice · 09/05/2018 17:20

Actually I get where you’re coming from. I know one person that gets really annoyed if I don’t reply to a text within a few minutes or if I am too busy to meet for coffee that week. I have five kids, work full time and generally am busy (like all of us I guess) and sometimes I want to just sit with a book rather than meet up. Some friendships are harder work than others. It’s a matter of deciding how much work to put in. Some people are worth it. Others not so much. IFSWIM

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