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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think demanding friends are rude?

71 replies

leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 16:42

Im a pretty introverted person and dont like how some people behave like you kind of owe them your time.

I know what makes me sound mean. What i mean is if i fancy catching up or meeting up with someone ill text, and if i dont hear back ill just assume they're busy or have stuff going on atm, or just dont have the energy or whatever. Ill then leave it and assume the person will just get back to me whenever is right for them, and then will get on with other stuff.

But i have a few friends who seem to want to bully me into responding to them - theyll call or repeat text until they finally push me into feeling so bad i have to give them a sign.

I get its polite to respond to a text or call. But equally isnt my time mine to do whatever i want with? What makes people think they have a right to your attention if you see what i mean?

To me a sign of a good friendship is live and let live, and letting people be who they are, with their own pace and needs, not trying to force/guilt people into interacting with you because youre bored/want to gosspi with/cant handle being alone/whatever other reason.

Am i just an antisocial freak or do i have a point?

OP posts:
HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 09/05/2018 17:22

I'm introverted too but I do think you need to respond to texts and invitations from friends even if it's just to say "sorry completely snowed under at the mo. will get back to you when I have some time." Otherwise they have no idea whether you're just slow in responding or whether they should ask someone else, or whether you've changed your number, lost your phone.

Velvetbee · 09/05/2018 17:23

I don’t think it’s rude. A message is an invitation to chat not a demand. Luckily I have laid back friends who seem to feel similarly.

WorraLiberty · 09/05/2018 17:24

The OP hasn't said they're demanding an immediate reply.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 09/05/2018 17:25

I think im having a burnout. I havent had a holiday in a year and i just feel mentally dead abd like i dont have any energy to give, even to text.

I sympathise with this. Sometimes I feel irritated when my phone rings because it feels like an invasion of my head space. I just have a stock text I send out though when I'm busy. That way it requires no energy and it just stops the other person feeling ignored.

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 17:27

It’s so rude not to reply to a text or invite! I get that sometimes it can be inconvenient but no need to respond immediately

DPotter · 09/05/2018 17:27

I agree that's it's demanding and rude. I'm not able to respond to texts throughout the day as I teach and have my phone turned off / on silent. Even people who know I teach will send increasing irritate messages. I can hardly pull out my phone in the middle of a class and reply.

It's a shame someone hasn't come up with an app to reply with a holding message to texts. Mine would say - 'You know I'm teaching .......'

Original poster
leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 17:27

I dont know what to do now. Some of my friends ita fine because theyll only text to meet up so thats good, i can do that. One friend for example just texted me after a weeks silence, we went for drinks last night, it was good!

Others want to have long discussions about how they are, how i am, their latest relationship dramas. The two im thinking of in particular have also just come back from their holidays.

I dont want to answer their texts because the truth is i have a drama free relationship and as mentioned above i am fucking knackered from working a year without a break. I dont have any headspace to give over. Im tired and i know this ìs mean, but im just not in a place where i want to hear about their villa holiday in greece and the latest man dilemma. Maybe once ive had a break (in june) i will be able to.

So i guess regardless, i am being rude. What should i do about it? These two mates of mine i havent replied to in 3 days :-/

One actually repeatedly called my phone this afternoon which is what prompted this thread and then when i didnt answer she rang my doorbell - i was freaking working to a tight deadline!!! (Work from home).

OP posts:
HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 09/05/2018 17:28

It's a shame someone hasn't come up with an app to reply with a holding message to texts. Mine would say - 'You know I'm teaching .......'

YOu can get a "I'm driving will reply later" automatic text so there should be customizable ones.

Andthatsthat · 09/05/2018 17:30

I get you OP! I don’t feel I have the energy for demands on my time either.

But saying that, I do always reply as soon as I can, even if it’s a quick “I will get back to you asap”

There are people I know who seem to be living in each other’s pockets, always popping round to each other, lengthly phone conversations etc. By the time I’ve dealt with the demands of my family I need my me time!

But for some people, me time consists of socialising, it’s what they enjoy, we are all different I suppose.

Politeness is key here, acknowledge, but reply in your own time, and never say yes to people when your head is screaming no!

MinaPaws · 09/05/2018 17:30

Have you thought through other interpretations of not replying, which are different from your own? Can you imagine it coming across as: 'I like to keep you on hold because my time is more important than yours' or 'You haven't heard from me yet because I'm waiting for better offers' or 'You are not very important to me, so I can't really be arsed to reply to you.' Because all of those are realistic interpretations.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/05/2018 17:32

I do see what you mean but, also see that you don't have a 'right' to have friends. If you ignore people, some will drift away.

I don't use 'blind media' like texts for conversation though, just to make arrangements. If someone calls for a chat they'll ask if it's a good time. Text chats should be the same really.

Sirzy · 09/05/2018 17:32

Just send them a “sorry I am having a hectic time at the moment will be in touch soon” text then?

However I would be careful about pushing people away especially if you are having a stressful time because at some point you may need someone to vent too.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 09/05/2018 17:32

Can you not send a non-committal response along the lines of "sorry so busy at the mo. can I'll call you back next week".

I guess what you're really saying is that you want to put your friendship with these people on hold, which is fair enough but I guess that does make it more likely that the friendships will fizzle out entirely. I know I've made the mistake of not giving friends enough of my time and attention and regretted it later when the friendship didn't last.

Slanetylor · 09/05/2018 17:33

But if you had texted them back they wouldn’t have rang and called presumably. I hate when people call unannounced.
They think your their friend though, they aren’t being mean on purpose. Quick text, “ can’t wait to hear all about your holidays, am really busy with deadlines can we meet up for a chat next week ( or whenever). “
Unless you want them out of your life for good. If so, as you are.

PeapodBurgundy · 09/05/2018 17:33

This is why I don't have a mobile phone. It doesn't give people the opportunity too harass and badger you when you're busy.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 09/05/2018 17:34

I do respond but people who really push the "not seen you in ages" as a threat piss me off as I've had a very up n down year. It's lovely that they care but it occasionally feels accusatory.
The friend who shouted at me when I had to cancel a trip after I fell downstairs and couldn't walk keeps wondering why I won't see her at all atm.

sonjadog · 09/05/2018 17:34

Your friend today is possibly worried, so send her a quick text to say you are okay?

Those who say it is just a few seconds, to me it really isn’t. It’s stopping what I’m doing, thinking about what they want, thinking of what to reply, replying, and then starting back on what I was doing before I was disturbed. And then it is rarely one text, it is text after text with the same process every time. So no, it isn’t a few seconds of my time. It can end up being an hour of my time that I didn’t plan to give up there and then because someone has decided they want it. I don’t think it is rude to refuse to give into these people’s demands on my time because I don’t want to exactly when they do.

I work in a job where I am relating to people all day and I need a break from giving other people more mental space in my free time.

Glumglowworm · 09/05/2018 17:35

YABU

Texting “sorry I’m busy, we’ll catch up another time” takes five seconds and is hardly a drain on your time or energy

PositiveVibez · 09/05/2018 17:35

when i didnt answer she rang my doorbell - i was freaking working to a tight deadline!!! (Work from home)

If you had replied to her text to tell her this, she wouldn't have been ringing your doorbell.

You are causing yourself a lot more angst than is necessary.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/05/2018 17:37

So can't you reply 'sorry, busy just now, would be great to meet up soon' or something?

You do sound burnt out and like you need some proper relaxtion, like going for a walk, doing something different, not just busyness and winding down from busyness.

Original poster
leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 17:38

@sonjadog
Thank you, you have summed it up perfectly.

Im not talking about arrangements, but a person who wants to have a long text conversation about their feelings and your feelings 3 or 4 times a week. Now times that person by 6 or 7 and that feels like an imposition.

OP posts:
Original poster
leaveandletleave · 09/05/2018 17:40

@lottiegarbanzo
Yep. The thing i need most of all right now is a total change of scene - you know the feeling? Too much repetition, too much of the same shit different day. That wears you down!

OP posts:
rodstewartsmerkin · 09/05/2018 17:41

You are rude. Most of the people on this thread have confirmed it.

I hope that goes some way to enlightening you.

Smeddum · 09/05/2018 17:42

@rodstewartsmerkin did you read the latest update?

Ski40 · 09/05/2018 17:42

I actually get what you mean as I often go through dark or low energy periods when- to put it bluntly- I just can't be arsed with people...
However, as you say yourself, it 's good manners to aknowledge people- or one day you might feel like YOU want company and... nobody's there anymore. Not many people would carry on indefinitely pursuing a one sided friendship forever, to be fair.

So. To stop the onslaught, it is very handy to write up and store a few standard fob off messages for a variety of situations that you can fire off in seconds as a reply. You know the type, "Hi sorry, I'm just putting the kids to bed/ cooking dinner/about to get in the car/away" or whatever. "I will get back to you as soon as possible". Etc etc.

Obviously I wouldn't abuse this... we all need friends.😊
But it does buy you a bit of time and peace, when that's what you really want. Xx