to think demanding friends are rude?

[leaveandletleave]

Im a pretty introverted person and dont like how some people behave like you kind of owe them your time.

I know what makes me sound mean. What i mean is if i fancy catching up or meeting up with someone ill text, and if i dont hear back ill just assume they're busy or have stuff going on atm, or just dont have the energy or whatever. Ill then leave it and assume the person will just get back to me whenever is right for them, and then will get on with other stuff.

But i have a few friends who seem to want to bully me into responding to them - theyll call or repeat text until they finally push me into feeling so bad i have to give them a sign.

I get its polite to respond to a text or call. But equally isnt my time mine to do whatever i want with? What makes people think they have a right to your attention if you see what i mean?

To me a sign of a good friendship is live and let live, and letting people be who they are, with their own pace and needs, not trying to force/guilt people into interacting with you because youre bored/want to gosspi with/cant handle being alone/whatever other reason.

Am i just an antisocial freak or do i have a point?

A reply is polite - and it settles any worries callers might have.

Come up with a short - polite - putting- you-off-until later kind of text and use it on all occasions when you don't want to chat.

-sorry I'm working at the moment - we much catch up sometime soon.

• all well here but busy just now - speak soon.

etc.

It will save you time and energy and won' t leave your friend hanging on - then anxious - then calling round to check up on you!

Ignoring them still isn’t the answer!

Talk to them explain you need some space.

I understand that true friends shouldn't 'demand' your time and huff if they don't get it. My best friends in the World go months without seeing/hearing from me. But it is very rude not to respond at all or at least try to make some time.

It could be a friend of yours is having a hard time and needs you there, just for a chat. Or they may sense that you have burnt out and are trying to reach out to you. You mentioned you are not suffering any ill mental health as yet, but it can be a slow decline and a slippery slope when you start- made all the worse by being lonely and isolated. So do try to keep in touch if you can, one day it may be you needing the reply or an answer to your call. Xx

I've seen a few threads about this. I don't see why it's a drama tbh. Just send a quick reply, 'I'm busy right now, I'll text you during the week.' That's perfectly acceptable, takes only a few seconds. Not replying is quite rude IMO. I wouldn't complain about it, I just wouldn't be in a hurry to text you again.

sonjadog

I don't think anyone's saying you should reply instantly but within a few days certainly and you don't have to get into a whole text conversation just "sorry super busy at the moment will call in a week when I have some time". Then if they keep texting non-urgent stuff you're fine not to respond.

You can't just ignore people, that is super rude and annoying.

Just reply and let them know how little you actually like or want to spend time with them. Then they won't text you and you won't have to ignore them.

Agree with sonjang that the woman who rang and texted might be worried about you. I like texts because you don't have to respond immediately and can just let them stack up and then send out a brief "Sorry, was busy." response at the end of the day. But I think avoiding responding to them for 3 days is on the extreme side and sounds like you're in need of some support and/or, perhaps, these people you find you don't want to respond to aren't people you like very much? Is it less that they're demanding and more that you want to avoid them anyway? Maybe they're too self-involved for you if they always have relationship drama and you're anticipating them going on and on about their own holiday if you do talk to them. Because you do sound like you could do with someone to talk with and get some of your stress off your chest.

I don't think text is the best medium to have long meaningful conversations. I'd much rather talk to in person/phone call as I find constant texting in that sort of conversation very hard work. Luckily I have friends who think like me!

I hate having a mobile TBH. I hate it when people can get a hold of me, especially when I want some peace. When I have days where no-one contacts me, it's lovely. I have to say that I really enjoy being left alone.

The best time I had was when I went camping with the DC, and left my phone at home. It was bliss, until I got home, when there were a number of angry texts demanding to know where I was and why these family members couldn't get a hold of me, as well as why I wasn't answering my phone. When I told them about the camping, they went ballistic that I didn't take my phone and text them when they text me.

I went absolutely nuclear on their arses and told them that when I go camping I WILL NOT take my phone because I want to enjoy the outdoors, without my phone constantly going off and disturbing the peace and my family time.

The only things I use my phone for, mainly, is to note down the shopping list, listen to music, phone taxis and ring my closest friends.

Do you meet up with these friends regularly? I don't understand why they're all keen to conduct lengthy text conversatons with you. Partly because I don't use text that way - why not phone and speak, or meet up? As you indicate, it's no less demanding of time and attention. Maybe if you met more often they wouldn't feel the need to catch up this way? Or maybe added closeness would fuel it.

But I also don't understand how you have so many very close friends, when you sound like a one to one conversation, quiet sort of person, not a gregarious, big, noisy groups of friends one.

That makes me wonder whether you're really quite out of sorts and acting out of character at the moment, so they're worried about you. Or, whether you're a bit on the edge of a noisier group who don't get that your personality is different to theirs.

So on the one hand you're amazingly lucky to have so many close and caring friends. You might really regret losing them, if you do drift apart. On the other, I sort of wonder whether, if you are a bit the odd one out, you might be at a point when you need to find some new ones who are more like you. Maybe your holiday in June will give you time to relax, revive and gain a bit of perspective on the whole thing.

In the meantime, don't take them for granted. You may not find such close, caring people so easily again.

Can we be friends op? That's exactly the way I feel. Sometimes I feel like I get emotionally blackmailed into making arrangements, whereas, like you, I'll ask someone to meet up if I want to but don't take it personally if I don't hear back.

But you would take it personally if no one ever replied back ever again.

@leaveandletleave there's nothing wrong with you even if you are feeling mentally drained and numb...I am the same...I have one 'best' friend from childhood. She and I can go for months without talking or not even respond to one anothers messages but pick up where we left off without a problem because we understand.
It got to the point that I had often people trying to befriend me(social job).
I just accepted how I was and started saying straight off I'm not good at maintaining friendships and that eventually it dissappoints people and so I just prefer to rest spontaneous, I don't make plans, I don't gossip or get into any dramas, I rarely use facebook but I do give my time and energy full heartedly to the people I'm with at any given time, priority being my child...
You could try accepting who you are and how you feel...when you try to be like everyone else it becomes this vicious cycle of going along with things, then 'dissappointing' people, then feeling guilty or annoyed, then self scrutinising, then trying to be what you are not to remedy the 'problem' ...also how empowering it is to just say, look I don't operate that way..
Don't forget how much life has changed in the last 5/10 years either.
It used to be we made a phonecall to connect, we met somewhere, now people are bomvarded with Facebook, Instagram, WhatsAp, Texts and they seem to need constant contact or instant replies at all and any times..
It's psychologically affecting and pushing our limits and I would ask yourself is it this that's affecting you rather than that you're a 'bad' friend.
Much love.

But op doesn’t do phone calls or person to person visits either.
I do wonder if it’s out of character. I’m very surprised op has maintained 6 or 7 friendships like this if she doesn’t enjoy them.

It would take less time to respond and say no than it would having to endure phone spam and read their texts and cancel calls. Or perhaps just tell them what you wrote in this post, because if they’re friends surely they should know you aren’t interested

I understand, I hate long message conversations, I end up flinching each time a new message arrives.

Sometimes I end up deleting all message apps and muting my phone.

I have one acquaintance from my kid's school who rings me randomly and then I struggle to get off the phone, I don't know how she does it, I don't usually have a problem with setting boundaries!

Can you just tell them you don't like it and prefer to catch up in person at a specific time and date?

I sometimes make a big deal of my apparent oddness and use it as an excuse to disengage, sort of an "oh, you know what I'm like".

YANBU im exactly the same as you.... I have found as ive got older that its about clearly making your needs known. Some people dont want the same level of communication as others... they will feel drained by it where other people can feel supported.

For me when I was younger I used to feel very guilty about it so I would not directly say how high levels of contact made me feel... which actually made it worse... some people will actually up levels of contact when they feel ignored... either because they think you just havent seen their message or have forgotten.. or because they are offended and hurt by being ignored...

What I have found best is just to respond clearly with how you feel ie: Im just laying low at the moment because im a bit stressed sorry if Im not really responding. Or if you are close to them just have a chat with them about how you need a lot of space in order to feel okay.
Real friends will understand this. Its better that they know its not about them but about how you feel in general about levels of communication.

It's you that's rude

I mean I dont even own a mobile phone. I keep the landline unplugged when im in on my own. I sign out of facebook unless I want to look at it so its not open on my laptop when im doing something else.
Thats how little I like communicating.
And yet I still have a lot of friends.
Its just about being upfront and honest about how you are.
I like people and id be there for someone if they were going through something difficult and specifically needed to talk...
But I dont like high levels of general communication on a regular basis. It makes me very stressed. Im not someone who wants to chat you know what i mean?

My friends all know this.

People will actually be much less offended if you honestly tell them how you feel about communication than if you ignore them.
If you ignore someone they may take it personally and think its because you dont like them specifically... rather than just that you dont want to talk to anyone at all.

I'm with you 100% OP. I had (well, had) one friend in particular who was so bad for this. She called or text me every 12 second while I was in labour to ask if the baby was here yet, even though I'd already told her "I'll let you know if there's news. If you don't hear from me, there's no news yet." It was so infuriating I ended up telling her to piss off and leave me alone. I have other friends who want to call and talk for hours! Literally hours. About the same stuff - oh my relationship drama, blah blah blah. Not long term serious relationship problems, but like "I met a guy on tinder yesterday and he hasn't liked my snap chat photo yet, what do you think it means?" Kind of thing. When I say I'm busy they say "how about in an hour? How about this evening? Why don't I call and you can just put it on speaker phone and get on with whatever you're doing while I talk?" It makes me feel like I'm suffocating! The only advice I can give you is basically to phase out the friendships you find draining. I know it sounds unkind but I honestly dont have the energy for that kind of neediness.

People dont know how to be by themselves anymore. Thats the direct result of smartphones and social media. Instead of just going to social events with their friends and calling them up if they need help with something, people now expect their friends to be outlets for every last thought, emotion, decision, minute event.

I find it exhausting.