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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL taking up all our time on weekends

66 replies

CaesarsMrs · 09/05/2018 11:58

Mil lives alone but has lots of friends and a good social life.
Issue is she constantly demands DHs attention asking for constant jobs to be done etc. He works a lot of hours so we don't get stuff in our own house yet he's always around there doing her diy etc.
At weekend she invited us around for dinner. DH was hoping to relax this weekend but as she said she was cooking, we went. As soon as we got there she set him to work on putting her TV on the wall. After that she said she needed her phone setting up ... one thing after another. He started getting irate with her and I tried to gently suggest that he do it another day when he wasn't so tired ... so with that she asked me to help with dinner and keep an eye on the couldron. I went into kitchen and I could hear her nagging at him about various stuff she needed doing whilst she knew I was safely occupied in the kitchen!! When we got home, DH decided he couldn't do the work on our kitchen that he had planned as he was too tired from faffing at mils. AIBU to think she should realise what she's doing??

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 09/05/2018 12:01

He got exhausted from putting up a tv? Confused Was this in the evening right after work or something? I thought you said it was the weekend?

I think she sounds a bit pushy but your real issue is with a DH who couldnt work on the kitchen in his own house because he was too tired after putting up a tv!

It's hardly taxing.

tradervictoria · 09/05/2018 12:04

Oh, this is an old story isn't it? I think the older people see it as the younger people's role to do odd jobs when they visit, but it's maddening if that happens at the expense of your own maintenance list.

YANBU but I don't have any solution to offer other than saying no, which I find easy but you may not.

WhateverHappenedToMe · 09/05/2018 12:22

Take the time to find a reliable handyman near her, and pass on his details next time she asks for help.

Then when/if you have children, don't expect her to tie up her free time providing child care.

ijustwannadance · 09/05/2018 12:25

Don't go. Say no. Tell her you are busy/want a weekend to yourselves.

Tobuyornot99 · 09/05/2018 12:28

It's a bit tight to get upset about putting up a TV for your Mam. As pp said, providing you never, ever expect anything from her, or won't in the future, say no if you really want to.

Armchairanachist · 09/05/2018 12:29

You have my sympathy. DH is the only son and his father passed away a few years ago. The females in his family are princesses who never get their hands dirty. She has a cleaner and a gardener and a very active social life. His mum has a list for him every week. He spends one of his days off with her and she still moans that when we go out on our only day together that she isn't invited, even if it's a meal out with my brothers and sisters.

Cherrypieface123 · 09/05/2018 12:29

PIL are like this. Zero common sense. Expect someone else to do the basics (put up shelves, paint a room etc). They either pay or get DH or BIL to do things. Often there is no reason at all they can’t do it themselves. Well, apart from being bone idle.

user1485342611 · 09/05/2018 12:32

In fairness, I don't think she just asked him to put up the TV. Apparently she then had another list of jobs she wanted him to do.
She's being unfair.

NWQM · 09/05/2018 12:41

I do think that as people get older they fret about things more - needing things done ASAP - or they become lethargic. Your husband is honestly better off that it is this way round although frustrating. Could he make something if it - offer to go round on his own once a month to do jobs? Perhaps make something of it being Mum and him time only. Is there something he particularly likes that she could cook that you don’t - liver and onions in our case. Your husband could just say no but unless you are going no contact it’s highly unlikely to work. Get her to keep a list so he can ‘plan’ / have the right tools but actually gets her to feel she has done something by writing it down.

Nanny0gg · 09/05/2018 12:41

Oh, this is an old story isn't it? I think the older people see it as the younger people's role to do odd jobs when they visit, but it's maddening if that happens at the expense of your own maintenance list.

And in some families it's the reverse. Love my children dearly but even my son looks to his dad for diy and practical help.

BlueSuffragette · 09/05/2018 12:49

Keep one day at weekend for you/ your day unit and PART (am/pm) of the other weekend day to spend with MIL. Do tjis every week / every other week to suit. If everybody knows the arrangement and sticks to it then it should work ok for everybody.

elderflowerandrose · 09/05/2018 12:50

Be busy for a few weekends to break the cycle.

Get your jobs done and say you are sorry but you are up to your eyes in work at home, and will see her soon. Then ease into a monthly visit, she may be inventing jobs to see him, which is understandable but selfish when he has his own family to consider.

EssentialHummus · 09/05/2018 12:53

Have DH Text/call today to suggest meeting the weekend after next. That way if she mithers about this weekend you have a ready reply. Keep it to every second/third weekend only.

notanurse2017 · 09/05/2018 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notanurse2017 · 09/05/2018 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ohmydayslove · 09/05/2018 12:58

I think your dh sounds knackered so maybe you both need to get handymen to do all these diy jobs. Grin

Hateloggingin · 09/05/2018 13:02

Couldron?? Cauldron? Or children?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2018 13:03

notanurse
I think it was tongue in cheek but I can understand her comment. She sent op away, who was advocating for her dh just so that she could have a go at him. Imo mil specifically manipulated the situation to divide and conquer.

I agree op. Be busy, failing that, your dh has hurt his arm. Find a handy man for her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/05/2018 13:04

Cauldron.

SendintheArdwolves · 09/05/2018 13:08

Ok, so you want him to be doing DIY in your home, your MIL wants him to be doing DIY in her home.

What does DH want to do? It comes down to that - is he happy with the way things are, or does he wish he could set better boundaries?

It may be that he wants to help his mother out - if so, these are your options:

  1. Learn to do DIY yourself. I'm not being flippant - it's easy to teach yourself basic stuff, and YouTube has a tutorial on everything.

  2. Pay someone else to do DIY for you

  3. Engage in a lengthy power struggle with you MIL, where you both nag/guilt him into working on your respective homes and see who he loves most.

(don't do option three - you will win in the end but it isn't very dignified)

MillicentF · 09/05/2018 13:11

When you say. “All of our time...” what do you mean?

concretesieve · 09/05/2018 13:12

Liver and onions - yum ...

MIL ?

CaledonianQueen · 09/05/2018 13:18

OP you need the book Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward, it will help change your life! Your MIL is very enmeshed in you and your DH's lives! She has never cut the apron strings, instead, she has roped them around your DH three times and finished it off with an unbreakable knot! I cannot recommend the Toxic Inlaws book enough! I have just finished reading it with my DH and he was able to put boundaries in with my enmeshed Mother. We are already NC with DH's family, my goodness I wish I had been on Mumsnet or more importantly had this book when I was going through everything with my inlaws!

PlumsGalore · 09/05/2018 13:22

keep an eye on the cauldron

Is she a witch? - no pun intended.

cjt110 · 09/05/2018 13:30

He needs to man up and learn "No" or, be a helpful son who does the bits he's asked to do when he has the time.

When my DH goes to visit his parents 150 miles away, MIL always have saved some job or other for him - fixing her PC, fixing a puncture on a bicycle - it takes a small amount of time. Although it is frustrating when she has a son that lives half a mile away and could be asked to do those jobs.