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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL taking up all our time on weekends

66 replies

CaesarsMrs · 09/05/2018 11:58

Mil lives alone but has lots of friends and a good social life.
Issue is she constantly demands DHs attention asking for constant jobs to be done etc. He works a lot of hours so we don't get stuff in our own house yet he's always around there doing her diy etc.
At weekend she invited us around for dinner. DH was hoping to relax this weekend but as she said she was cooking, we went. As soon as we got there she set him to work on putting her TV on the wall. After that she said she needed her phone setting up ... one thing after another. He started getting irate with her and I tried to gently suggest that he do it another day when he wasn't so tired ... so with that she asked me to help with dinner and keep an eye on the couldron. I went into kitchen and I could hear her nagging at him about various stuff she needed doing whilst she knew I was safely occupied in the kitchen!! When we got home, DH decided he couldn't do the work on our kitchen that he had planned as he was too tired from faffing at mils. AIBU to think she should realise what she's doing??

OP posts:

tigerrun · 09/05/2018 13:31

Cauldron

MillicentF · 09/05/2018 13:31

“Your MIL is very enmeshed in you and your DH's lives! ”

How do you know this from the OP’s post?

fearfultrill · 09/05/2018 13:33

@tradervictoria some people do actually work weekends you know!

fearfultrill · 09/05/2018 13:34

Sorry @tradervictoria that was meant for @AjasLipstick!

pigmcpigface · 09/05/2018 13:41

How much money does she have?

If she's well off, time to start saying "I have a really good number for a handyman".

If she's not, maybe put a limit on this. "MIL, I understand you need things doing around the house, but we also need to get our own place straight. There's a balance here. If you can come up with one job a fortnight, we will happily do that for you when we are over, but we need alternate weekends to ourselves to look after our own place".

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/05/2018 13:47

Constantly demands? How much stuff does she need doing around the house?

Does she have anyone else she can ask?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 09/05/2018 13:59

keep an eye on the cauldron

CaledonianQueen · 09/05/2018 14:01

Millicent- from the OP! In fact having read the Toxic Inlaws book, the example that Susan Forward uses to illustrate enmeshed/ engulfed parents could have been written by the OP. Susan manages to help the couple approach the MIL in a way that isn't offensive and continue the relationship without causing irreparable damage to the couple's marriage. She is trying to divide and conquer as in the OP's example where she separates them, only to up her nagging on OP's DH! This is classic engulfer behaviour and mentioned in the book!

I am not suggesting going NC here, they do, however, need to make the MIL realise that what she is asking for is simply too much! Susan offers fantastic advice for communicating with your spouse and communicating with the inlaws so that there are appropriate boundaries in place.

gillybeanz · 09/05/2018 14:12

Gosh, I've booked our grown up ds x2 to clear our loft this summer holiday, they come round and help with all sorts of DIY, decorating and heavy trips to the tip.
We looked after them for long enough.
Saying that though, on Monday we went round with tools and helped get their garden straight as it's an overgrown mess. They haven't lived there long and there's tons to do.
I think it's out of order asking you every week, but your dh should say no.
I also fail to see how setting up a phone and putting up a tv is exhausting.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/05/2018 14:22

I also fail to see how setting up a phone and putting up a tv is exhausting

The implication I read was that they were two examples out of a long list.

It comes down to "how much time". Agreeing in advance that a day will be spent doing stuff is one thing. Adhoc and repeated requests are another but its down to the DH to say so.

OP: can MiL not afford to pay for any help or does she just want DH around? The latter is understandable but needs to be at a level/time which works for everyone in the family, not just one person

MillicentF · 09/05/2018 14:25

"Millicent- from the OP!"

What-where the Mil invited them to dinner and asked her son to do two jobs for her?

PuppyMonkey · 09/05/2018 14:27

What was in the cauldron?

Juells · 09/05/2018 14:28

TBH I think some people love bossing. I was amazed when a SiL grumbled to me that her DH (my brother) hadn't done all the little jobs she'd been saving up for him - he was working in another country for three weeks at a time, living in a caravan on a building site so every penny could be sent home, and got to come home only every third weekend. When I mentioned that if she paid a handyman to do the 'little jobs' they'd have more time to relax together, and he could have a break, she wouldn't hear of it. He was her DH and it was his duty. It was about being in control, having him hopping around doing what he was told. I think the same may apply with the MiL in the OP, she wants things done by her son, not a handyman.

user1494667160 · 09/05/2018 14:29

Let your husband help his mum as much she needs.
So what if some of your jobs aren’t done?
You only get one mum and it is important that he helps her. It might also be an excuse for her to get to spend some time with him.

You think all you do for your kids in life and when they are older they are too busy to help out. It is quite sad really.
My other half’s nan always wants help with stuff and I always say put her as a priority

diddl · 09/05/2018 14:45

"AIBU to think she should realise what she's doing?"

What is she doing?

She's asking her son for help which he should give or not as he sees fit.

What he shouldn't do is stuff for his mum & then take it out out on you.

So-don't accept anymore invitations for dinner/don't do any/all of the jobs she asks for whilst there.

tradervictoria · 09/05/2018 14:45

So what if some of your jobs aren’t done?

Of course, what was I thinking user?
Paying someone else to do your own jobs is a mug's game as you will know

MillicentF · 09/05/2018 14:54

“ It was about being in control, having him hopping around doing what he was told. I think the same may apply with the MiL in the OP”

It might also apply to the OP in the OP. Just a thought...........

Juells · 09/05/2018 14:59

@MillicentF

It might also apply to the OP in the OP. Just a thought...........

Mmmmmm...isn't that about doing things in the house in which his own family lives?

OP should start paying a handyman to come in and do everything.

Yogagirl123 · 09/05/2018 15:06

No such thing as a free lunch, so they say, as you discovered. Does MIL have a toolkit? If not tell your DH to say he’s left his kit at home etc or simply you have lots of jobs for him to do at home. If she needed something done urgently, have a handyman in or wait for DH when he can get round to it.

Poptart4 · 09/05/2018 15:07

Your husband needs to grow a back bone and start saying no. You can't do it because it will cause bad blood between you. It has to come from him. MIL is a cheeky fucker and she gets away with it because your dh won't stand up to her.

Start being 'busy' on the weekends. "oh dm I'd love to help you but we have plans as a family this weekend." It doesn't have to be true. She'll get the message eventually.

Motoko · 09/05/2018 15:12

You think all you do for your kids in life and when they are older they are too busy to help out.

It shouldn't become a transaction, and expected of them, because of "all the things you did for them". It was YOU who wanted to have them, they didn't ask to be born.

Yes, it's nice if they do help you, but they shouldn't be obligated to do it, they have their own lives to live, and will have their own family to look after.

MillicentF · 09/05/2018 15:16

"Your husband needs to grow a back bone and start saying no."

Even if he doesn't want to?

SilverySurfer · 09/05/2018 15:17

I want to know what was in the cauldron? Presumably a witch's brew?

Plasebeafleabite · 09/05/2018 15:18

Depends on the tasks and how many. My dm has a long list waiting for my db when he pops round from hedge trimming to suitcases into loft to programming tv. Realistically some of these are tasks a handyman would laugh at

You need some balance OP, he can’t do it all to your detriment and this needs to explained kindly

And actually motoko a mother is “family”

C8H10N4O2 · 09/05/2018 15:49

Mmmmmm...isn't that about doing things in the house in which his own family lives?

Mother is family though, just not in the same house.

With all these scenarios its about finding the right balance which may need some compromise on both sides. Its always difficult to tell from outside how much is too much and an attempt to control (from either side) and how much is just in need of a bit of adjustment.

If the overall relationship is good I'd be more inclined to give ground on the small stuff.

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