MIL taking up all our time on weekends

[CaesarsMrs]

Mil lives alone but has lots of friends and a good social life.
Issue is she constantly demands DHs attention asking for constant jobs to be done etc. He works a lot of hours so we don't get stuff in our own house yet he's always around there doing her diy etc.
At weekend she invited us around for dinner. DH was hoping to relax this weekend but as she said she was cooking, we went. As soon as we got there she set him to work on putting her TV on the wall. After that she said she needed her phone setting up ... one thing after another. He started getting irate with her and I tried to gently suggest that he do it another day when he wasn't so tired ... so with that she asked me to help with dinner and keep an eye on the couldron. I went into kitchen and I could hear her nagging at him about various stuff she needed doing whilst she knew I was safely occupied in the kitchen!! When we got home, DH decided he couldn't do the work on our kitchen that he had planned as he was too tired from faffing at mils. AIBU to think she should realise what she's doing??

We have an arrangement with my MIL where we see her every other weekend. She comes to us most of the time and DH cooks out on the grill, and she gets leftovers to take home. When we go to see her, she occasionally has a small task for him to do, but it's typically something he can do in five or ten minutes.

We like the alternating weekends as it makes it easy to plan when we can do things without having to worry about scheduling her in.

It is about having a backbone and saying no. A few years ago, after my FIL had died, in a car crash tragically, and then his GPs, my MIL suddenly said that she would have liked her DH to spend less time doing jobs for his parents and more time working on their own house. It was a bit late for regrets really. You need to establish your own boundaries.

Despite many posters thinking that DH should be delighted to be put to work the second he enters MIL's house I read the OP as him having worked really hard recently & this being a rare chance to have a restful weekend. Instead of that, or even getting on with stuff at his house, he's stuck doing numerous jobs for MIL. Result of which is that he's had no chance to unwind and is now not up for doing stuff at home which he would otherwise have managed.
YANBU OP, but nonetheless many would no doubt suggest that either you send DH round every weekend for the rest of eternity, invite MIL round to yours every night for dinner in case she's lonely or needs time with her son, go NC with MIL, or LTB (DH) even though all he's done is feel obliged to help his mother.

Mil lives alone but has lots of friends and a good social life.
Issue is she constantly demands DHs attention asking for constant jobs to be done etc. He works a lot of hours so we don't get stuff in our own house yet he's always around there doing her diy etc.

Millicent whilst OP gives one example, she does stress that her MIL is constantly demanding OP's DH's attention. Not to mention she deliberately got OP out of the way so that she could manipulate OP's DH into doing what she demands. The OP would obviously not have a problem if this was a one off!

OP, hopefully this snippet/ passage from the chapter on Engulfers is helpful the following quote is taken from chapter 3 of Toxic In-Laws .p41, 42)

'Engulfers ...... want to be with you, and they invest you with the unique ability to make their lives better. But these are the in-laws who measure your love in terms of time spent with them and more is never enough. In their eyes your need for privacy, or just for time apart, are subordinate to their claim on your life.....warm terms come cloaked in a very particular set of definitions and behaviours:
"Connectedness" means " You are not a separate person and you come when I call"
"Love" means "You're my whole life and it's up to you to make me happy"
"Family" means "Loyalty and first priority to your family of origin and not the one you chose to make."
And "tradition" is "the unchanging law: we do what we've always done, no matter how your life has evolved"

Susan goes on to say on page 52
'Engulfers gain a lot of their power from knowing that their adult child has an overdeveloped sense of guilt and responsibility for their happiness. X certainly did. But in his need to keep his parents happy, X was willing to sacrifice the well-being of someone else-- his wife'

I would love to quote more, but the book really needs to be read in its entirety. I know that so many behaviours suddenly made sense when I read Toxic In-Laws. I had initially read to understand my in-laws better, however, ended up recognising engulfing behaviours in my own DM. DH and I went through the book together and have followed the advice successfully for my DP.

And actually motoko a mother is “family”

Yes, but she should no longer his first priority, the family he has made with OP should be his first priority.

OP and her family are suffering, because her MIL is taking up OP's DH's spare time, to the point that jobs needing doing in their own house are not getting done and he has no time to relax.

Caledonianqueen - that quote is spot on for what is happening here.

This isn't about jobs getting done, it's about an unhealthy emotional relationship.

It's sad I think most of all the son couldn't just say... Mum I'm tried, I'll do one thing and come back another day today do you rest or get someone in.

Caledonian I keep meaning to get that book!
As soon as we get to mils dh is also given tasks! Only small like watch bbq...

But it's the way she asks.. Assumes. That by itself may mean nothing but when they come to us for bbq and we had run out of food item.. Oh no dh can't possibly do it... He's tired..

All about who in her eyes is in control of dh and who gets to boss him around.
Because of course he isn't the man in his own house and can choose to do his own bbq

I would find putting a tv on the wall pretty taxing. Yanbu

Let your DH sort it out - it's up to him what he does with his time at weekends, he sounds as though he's got a controlling mother and a controlling wife.

And why did you all troop round for dinner if you didn't want to spend time with MIL ? .

I wouldn't want my DH telling me whether or not I could help my elderly parents.

Had something similar with my mother and BiL. Everytime he came over she greeted him at the door with a list of banal tasks that she could have easily done herself (mainly techy things as she was convinced that she was too old to understand computers despite only being in her late fifties!) To his credit he always did them with a smile but eventually I had to intervene on his behalf and point out that she shouldn't be relying on BiL for such tasks as they are easy to do (I'm talking about changing printer cartridges, that sort of thing) and her reply was - why have a dog and bark yourself?! Needless to stay he started making excuses as to why he couldn't come round with Dsis and I told her straight that it was probably because he didn't fancy being her skivvy for the afternoon. She felt incredibly guilty after that.

Your DH needs to be quite firm and state that he's too tired to go round to see her at all as he's had a busy day/week and knows he'll be roped into doing yet more work. Perhaps then she will see how much of an effect it's having on him.

*It shouldn't become a transaction, and expected of them, because of "all the things you did for them". It was YOU who wanted to have them, they didn't ask to be born.

Yes, it's nice if they do help you, but they shouldn't be obligated to do it, they have their own lives to live, and will have their own family to look after*

^ This. By the bucketload.

Sorry, that should be in bold.

We could have written this.

MIL wants a new [insert any fucking item on a weekly basis Computer/car/any insurance/Bank accounts/holiday]. DH says he find a free day and go out with her to buy it. She decides she cant wait and buys it herself.

She either buys the wrong one for her needs, overpays when DH could have bought it cheaper online OR buys the cheapest possible. DH then has to read through/assemble said item and teacher how to use it. If she has bought the wrong one DH has to read the instructions or sort out he mess etc etc.....

A bit like my MIL @LifeBegins.

She was impatient. Couldn’t wait until dh looked something up for her, so bought something too technical, then got upset because she didn’t know how to use it, and he had to go round and sort.

The last time she bought something that was too technical (for her), a laptop, he claimed that it was also too technical for him, pretended to faff about with it, put it down, and said no.

If she had have kept it, he would have been round on a regular basis. She has a knack of changing something, changing her mind, then not being able to go back.

So now they have an agreement. He looks online for things that he knows are on her level technically, so not many calls, but therefore easy for him to fix if anything does go wrong.

..but therefore easy for him to fix if anything does go wrong. So he isn’t there all day....

We have one of these, now I arrange a handyperson, to go round and do the jobs that need doing for her. Also, have been known to pay them too.