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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with colleague

61 replies

Tinklikescoffee · 08/05/2018 18:40

Any help/advice welcome. I've recently gone back to work having been off sick for 7 weeks. New colleague joined 6 weeks prior to my sick leave, I provided training and we got on fine, general chit chat etc but since my return they have been 'off' with me, verging on rude and excluding me. AIBU to be a bit upset by this behaviour as I'm worrying about the effect it will have long-term. I realise I'm at work to work, but feel lonely as we are a small team.

OP posts:

Fluffyears · 08/05/2018 18:41

Following as having same issue.

Doyoumind · 08/05/2018 18:41

Are they at the same level as you?

SeaCabbage · 08/05/2018 18:43

Why don't you ask? When they have done something quite obviously "off", you could take them aside and calmly ask, with a view to sorting it.

Original poster

Tinklikescoffee · 08/05/2018 18:47

Sorry to hear fluffy colleague is one level below me Doyoumind - I've been nothing but pleasant since returning - eg when the new Prince was born a country ole of days later I asked if he had been named and her response was 'not interested'

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinklikescoffee · 08/05/2018 18:48

Should say *couple days

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 08/05/2018 19:08

Did she pick up the bulk of your work and feel perhaps it was unfair/not adequately trained? Would your other colleagues have been bitching about you?

Barbaro · 08/05/2018 19:09

How have they been off with you, and excluding you?

Maybe they were stressed at probably having to cover for you while you were off sick? Not your fault, but they might be annoyed at being in a new job, their trainer goes off sick and they get lumped with all the work, and now taking it out on you.

Slartybartfast · 08/05/2018 19:11

Ask her if she is OK? Perhaps she was thrown in at the deep end, doesn't actually like her job, or enjoyed it more when you were away, it is Her problem not yours

Slartybartfast · 08/05/2018 19:12

Is the atmosphere OK with everyone else

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 08/05/2018 19:13

They were probably hoping you wouldn't come back and they would get your job. I've seen similar unrealistic expectations in young or recent appointees. See how it goes, but don't hesitate to report it if it becomes upsetting. Excluding is a form of bullying.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 08/05/2018 19:16

Sorry to hear this though I wouldn’t use the Prince example. My best friend in the world could ask me a question about royalty such as that and I would say the exact same. In fact that’s much politer.

Original poster

Tinklikescoffee · 08/05/2018 19:25

Thanks everyone for your comments, just finding it difficult being back without this to deal with and my nature is not to ignore someone/be rude.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinklikescoffee · 08/05/2018 19:28

Totally get that buggerlumps 😀

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 08/05/2018 19:54

It's tricky if there is an atmosphere at work, there were a couple of times when I was blanked by a colleague and it was very uncomfortable. It's especially hard when there isn't a specific reason and they're just blanking you.

I wouldn't focus on the example of this lady saying she wasn't interested in what the Prince would be named, though. I wasn't particularly, though I'm too polite to be so blunt. Maybe she's anti Royalist?

You might be reading too much into it? Maybe just see how it goes for a little while before deciding she actually has a problem with you.

Original poster

Tinklikescoffee · 09/05/2018 15:52

Thank you again, not great today, colleague tried to ignore me the whole time I was in 😢

OP posts:

GirlsBlouse17 · 09/05/2018 16:06

Could you suggest having a one to one away from the office ie Costas, Neros etc? You don't necessarily have to raise any issues but maybe just get to know each other over a coffee.

Dieu · 09/05/2018 16:09

My guess is that she had to pick up the bulk of your work while you were away. As a newbie to the job, she probably found it stressful.
Was everything left in good order for her at work prior to your absence? If you're not the most organised person, for example, that could have made things worse.
I'm sure this isn''t the case though, but it might help just to ask if everything was ok?
Personally I can't be bothered with such people. If someone has a problem, just say so!
Hope you're now feeling 100%, OP

RatherBeRiding · 09/05/2018 16:16

How is the rest of the team towards you?

Honestly, I'd have to have this out one way or another. Either raise her behaviour with her line-manager (assuming that this isn't you) as at the very least it is unprofessional to be so obviously "off" with someone in a small team, to the point of creating an atmosphere, and pointedly ignoring them.

Or else take her to one side and have it out (nicely and in a professional manner) but be blunt - say you feel she is ignoring you, being rude, excluding you and what is it all about? Don't let her fob you off with "nothing" and sulking. There's obviously something.

Ask her if it is something to do with your absence - did she feel left in the lurch, not enough training, having to pick up extra work etc etc.

But really you need to deal with it one way or another.

IHeartMarmiteToast · 09/05/2018 16:30

Why cant you just ask what the problem is? Why can no on on mumsnet just ASK WHAT THE BLOODY PROBLEM IS???

Next time she is rude or ignores you, just catch her on her own (or not it doesnt really matter) and say - "Are we having a problem because I notice you've been a bit off with me since I came back to work?"

Then she can tell you, you can discuss it like adults and move on - or not, you could bitchslap her and be fired or whatever but until you ask what is wrong you wont know.

MsGameandWatching · 09/05/2018 19:34

Stop trying. Mirror her behaviour back to her. Don't bother with her. The more you try the more she will withhold. Youre giving her power every time you give her an opening. You're a grade above her right? So just manage her professionally and don't try to be friends. People like this generally come round when you start being the same with them, in my vast experience of Awkward People.

Stopitjuststopit2018 · 09/05/2018 19:40

From past experience some people can develop resent towards colleagues who go off on sick leave. Normally it’s because they question the reason the person was off , or if they see the person active on social media/ going on day trips etc. Like they expect someone to live like a hermit for 2 months

Is it possible that your sick leave was due to reasons possibly viewed as contentious, and/or have you been active on social media?

greendale17 · 09/05/2018 19:44

So newbie who is probably still on probation is being nasty and excluding long term employer.

I would be having a word with my manager about her behaviour.

RavenLG · 09/05/2018 19:54

Exactly this. I suffer with awful anxiety, it's social but mainly surrounds work. Was of work (on/off) for several months and colleagues are very frosty with me even though I've been back (mostly, had one or two days here and there) for several months. It's beginning to make the anxiety flare up again, I'm looking for another job.

I don't have anything to say to help, but I hope the situation resolves itself OP. It's a shit situation.

TheProvincialLady · 09/05/2018 20:02

Totally agree with the give-her-the-same-treatment plan. Don’t try to ingratiate yourself with someone who is being rude, it gives them a sense of power. I had a colleague (admittedly not in the same team) who was borderline rude towards me. It took me a while to notice but after a period of being pleasant to her, I just behaved the exact same way towards her. Curt emails with no salutation, didn’t acknowledge her in the corridor, no smiling. It took about a fortnight before she was suddenly polite and friendly - which I also mirrored. It taught me a lesson.

Mrsmadevans · 09/05/2018 20:08

She has been unsupervised the whole time of your sick leave and is prob evil that you are back . Make sure you get evidence of her behaviour/ get her behaviour witnessed by others and once you do raise a complaint with your boss , she will have form for this and btw it is bullying..... make no mistake.

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