How to deal with colleague

[Tinklikescoffee]

Any help/advice welcome. I've recently gone back to work having been off sick for 7 weeks. New colleague joined 6 weeks prior to my sick leave, I provided training and we got on fine, general chit chat etc but since my return they have been 'off' with me, verging on rude and excluding me. AIBU to be a bit upset by this behaviour as I'm worrying about the effect it will have long-term. I realise I'm at work to work, but feel lonely as we are a small team.

Your comments and support really appreciated, can't believe I'm in a worse situation than prior to sick leave! I have three chronic health conditions, all manageable and want to stay in work. My sick leave was due to a combination of huge workload (covering three roles) for an extended period i.e a year plus and a very rude, unsupportive LM who hardly ever did a full week and when he was in the office was snappy and dismissive. I just got to the point where it couldn't go on.

Apologies for the late response, because of health I have been asleep all evening, it is always worse when I am stressed, but your support really helps! Thank you

Right there with u. A girl in my work constantly drags her eyes off me. I'm dying to gouge them out if I'm honest. Some people are just bitches. Ignore her completely and try not let it upset u.

I know it's easier to say than do but don't waste your energy on someone like that.

Another one saying don’t pander to her. Asking her what’s wrong sounds needy and gives her power. Be brisk and professional, she’s not a friend, just a colleague. If her behaviour is actually rude and you are ‘senior’ to her in terms of position, you would be quite right to pull her up on it. “I don’t appreciate your attitude, X. If you have an issue I’d like to hear it, otherwise please be civil.”

It's hard to say why anyone behaves so childishly and petty within a professional environment, some people just suck.

I know when I came back from mat leave there were some new people in the team and one of them was a real arsehole towards me, completely unprovoked, but turns out he resented my returning as he liked the 'team dynamic' that had formed since I'd left and was jealous that everyone else liked/missed me and were glad I was back.

I ended up leaving, his diva behaviour was never going to change and no one could be bothered to manage him properly, life is too short to have to spend 8+ hours a day with shitkickers like that.

I agree with the comment about this person being on probation. Any intelligent person would be on their most charming helpful behaviour during their probation but some people can't join the dots.

I'd build a 'file' of specific examples including dates / times when this person is being unhelpful, obstructive or surly ("all of which are detrimental to good team working") and report to their LM. Don't allow them to get away with it.

Id ask if she had a problem with me loudly in front of people.

Why don't you just ask her?

I'm kind of on the other side of this for the second time so I may be projecting.

Colleague gone off sick and I have been expected to carry on regardless. If it isnt handled well by the employer - work shared out, checking in that cover is okay etc then resentment can build.

Have you spoken with other team members to see if there were any problems while you were off? Was the new person left in the lurch at all? Were any promises hinted at to the new person? Was the new person prevented from taking some time off while you were off sick?

These arent really your problem and should have been dealt with by line manager but may help to explain why the person is being off with you now.

Today was difficult, she hardly spoke (I was on leave yesterday) so I got brave and asked her outright if there was a problem? She said she was busy and had things to do, needed to concentrate, finding it really difficult as no witness just us two in office.

I think you need to confront her, nicely, obviously and say something along the lines of “It’s clear you have a problem, let’s discuss this before I have to speak to the manager as you’re making it very uncomfortable for whatever reason’. Can’t bear arsed colleagues. Just no fucking need.

OP can you please answer some of the questions posed by previous posters so we can help better (e.g. pressure at work/social media/etc)?

I've observed a similar situation on one of our 'sister' teams where it has been obvious that a new recruit has been put under a lot of pressure due to a colleague being off ill. GnomedePlume poses some good questions in their post which may help tease out what the issue is.

You being off is not your fault and should be managed by the employer, but that may not have worked flawlessly when you were not around. I can see some resentment building that way, even if it's unjustified against you.

Take it to your line manager or HR. Keep it factual and non emotional. I’ve had similar at work with a person I used to manage. Was a nightmare. They’re now leaving, such a relief.

Is her behaviour limiting your ability to do your job? If not, I'd just be polite and professional but no more.

Ach she’s a wee horror. Just ignore her, be curt, give her a taste of her own medicine. She says she’s busy and wants to concentrate. Let her concentrate herself into a little heap of poisonous concentrated bile.

I had someone like this where I worked once.
If we walked past each other I'd smile and she'd sneer. Ignored me in meetings/kitchen etc.

So I started to ignore her. Nothing nasty just walked straight past her, would say nothing in the kitchen, toilets etc.

She suddenly became smiley and chatty. We are still in touch after many years and both left that place of employment mates. Clueless to what the initial issue was.

You have been friendly. You have asked her what the problem is. Leave her to being her.

Have you a manager you could ask if they know what the issue is?

We have someone who is awkward to work with. Often very miserable, doesn't smile or speak, permanently saying she's ill. Very, very hard work. Any issues and she goes straight to her line manager instead of talking to the people she needs to resolve the issue, this has caused lots of bad feeling.

It's been hard as we are quite a tight knit team and all get on well.

You need to develop a resting bitch face obviously. Use it on her.

And stop making conversation with her. She feels superior to you in some way, for some odd reason (probably jealousy)

Ewww. I had this when I came back from maternity. A temp had been doing my job and had obviously liked the role. She was there for a few weeks longer when I got back. Until they offered her a job in her own right, she spent her time being rude and trying to undermine me. After about a week of being polite to her and trying to figure out what was going on, she took it too far and I snapped and put her very firmly in her place. That put an end to it. Some people are just pathetic.

Just a thought, but if you found your role so stressful that you ended up off sick, who picked up your role and all that you were covering while you were off? Was it her? Font you think she might find it stressful too? Do you have the same line manager? Would they have spoken to her in the same way they did to you?

I'm not saying her behaviour is justified, but it's easier to blame and resent the wrong person (ie. You, rather than the manager).

I've covered for a person off with long term stress before. Had to do my own work plus theirs with no thought to whether I'd cope with it all. I've also worked for shitty managers who turned staff against one another and encouraged snitching. So I decided to just get my head down and do my work, then I got called in to see the manager as someone had reported me for being sullen and having a bad attitude!!! I look very severe when not animated, and they'd decided I was rude without talking to me and based on how my face looked!

Very grateful of all replies/suggestions, can't believe how testing this is? Don't understand why person is doing this. Today for example, I was only in office for a short time due to meeting elsewhere, I mentioned another colleague had gone on secondment to my LM in passing and to ensure I included this colleague I said "..... do you know X they work in Y office downstairs?" The reply was "I only go where I need to go" - honestly can't keep trying.
I understand that it is difficult when covering for sick colleague and during my first week back in office I made it very clear that I was extremely grateful for everything done in my absence and even took birthday card and gift on my first day back (as knew it was her birthday).

Sounds like someone I used to know. Looking back, she was a bit of a misery guts. Everywhere she worked, she would complain to me that her manager kept checking over her work and was therefore undermining her. Obviously it couldn't be that her work wasn't up to the standard expected!
Not saying that this is the issue with your colleague though - perhaps she is just one of those people who don't "do" work friends and try to maintain a professional demeanour by not making small talk of any kind?

That’s an interesting update OP. She said that in front of your line manager? Does that give you an opportunity to raise the issue with the line manager, and say this is going on all the time?
But I still think you should stop trying to be nice to her. Treat her exactly the way she treats you.

I really think you need to stop trying. If you have to speak with her, do so, but keep it neutral and professional. If you’re in another group situation where you need to speak, make eye contact with everyone, including her, but don’t try to coax anything out of her.

I’m sure it’s not pleasant, but please stop giving her opportunities to rebuff you, because it sounds like she’s always going to do it.

I think she is jealous of because she has settled into her role and thinks you will do better than her.