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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think someone should have asked me?

75 replies

daisybelle84 · 08/05/2018 15:32

Okay..just need to vent and maybe hear some opinions.
Background: Family have toxic tendencies which have steadily been getting worse as time goes on. I have one golden child brother. I'm the scapegoat. Whatever. I live with it.
Recently, GC brother got married.

In the past, I have usually been asked to do a reading at random family events...funerals christenings etc. I would never assume that I would be asked to read, but would always graciously accept the task if it was given to me.

Mother has recently begun a trend of trying to sabotage readings I'm asked to do. I suspect this is because she'd like to be able to read publically herself but doesn't have the nerve. She's given me the wrong information in the past so I'd make a mistake etc.

So in the run up to GC brother's wedding I was not asked to read. I didn't think anything of it and actually looked forward to being able to relax and not have a job to do. Fast forward to 2mins before the ceremony .....I'm approached by the organiser and asked what reading I'm doing? I tell them I'm not doing a reading. I'm told that I am definitely doing a reading. I ask GC brother and he says "Yes you are"

Mother and Father are totally silent beside me. I explain to GC brother that nobody told me anything about a reading and this was the first I've heard of it. He insists really gruffly and rudely in front of the whole gathering that I WAS told I was doing a reading and to "just do it".
I genuinely wasn't told anything. Naturally I got annoyed and repeated that this is the first time I've heard anything about reading. I was embarrassed and felt I looked bad in front of all those people because of someone else's mistake.

I did the reading, and it was fine, but was upset to be put on the spot like that and it was obvious my mother knew I was supposed to read all along and never bothered to tell me. I feel like I walked into the trap my mother set by getting annoyed about it. I didn't let it ruin the rest of the day and everything was fine but I'm just frustrated now.

I'm still annoyed at what happened. Am I being ridiculous? Surely the very least you need to do if you want someone to read at your event is to ask them?
I think the best way to deal with this from now on is to just not do any readings at family events in future. There's always some miscommunication and it's not worth the stress and hassle.

So tired of the lack of respect and being painted as the bad guy when I really don't think I did anything wrong?!

OP posts:

sonlypuppyfat · 08/05/2018 15:34

Why are you spending time with these people?

LagunaBubbles · 08/05/2018 15:38

So tired of the lack of respect and being painted as the bad guy when I really don't think I did anything wrong?!

So why are you still maintaining relationships with them?

Original poster

daisybelle84 · 08/05/2018 15:38

Because...family. I usually keep my distance as best I can and get on with my life. It's my only brother and it was his wedding so obligation and all that. I'm just a bit baffled at it all.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 08/05/2018 15:40

Yep, I would make it known there will be no more readings from you and really consider going low or no contact with your family. No one needs this shit

Original poster

daisybelle84 · 08/05/2018 15:41

Also, I thought they'd behave because it was GC's wedding. They aren't this dreadful all the time so there's a kind of false sense of security that happens.

OP posts:

SaturdaySauv · 08/05/2018 15:43

It’s not your Mothers fault. It was your brothers wedding and his responsibility to ask you to do a reading.
But they all sound toxic. I’d go NC.

CloudCaptain · 08/05/2018 15:43

Wow. Brother sounds like a rude that. He should have asked you direct. No need to send messages through not so dear mother.
I would be busy for these events in future. I doubt you can win.

UndomesticHousewife · 08/05/2018 15:43

Your parents deliberately did this to you you really need to reconsider their role in your life.

DiddimusStench · 08/05/2018 15:44

Because...family.

Not a good enough reason to have to put yourself through shit like that. Protect yourself from a multitude of issues in the future and bin them off.

Original poster

daisybelle84 · 08/05/2018 15:52

Brother invited me to a dinner at his house a few years ago...sent invite through Mother. She, of course, neglected to tell me and I didn't turn up as a result. I looked like I'd snubbed the thing! After that mess I explained that he needed to just send me a text directly in future but clearly he hasn't listened?

I agree that it's not mother's responsibility to tell me though and I did find his behaviour very rude. He REFUSED point blank to accept that I hadn't been asked to read and then snapped "Just do it"

Oh well...at least I now know I could never invite them to a future wedding of mine. They'd likely ruin it.

OP posts:

Cornishclio · 08/05/2018 16:03

No I would not do it and in response to his very rude "Just do it" I would be responding "Do it your f....ing self!" and I don't swear normally. Your parents and brother all sound awful.

TomRavenscroft · 08/05/2018 16:04

he REFUSED point blank to accept that I hadn't been asked to read and then snapped "Just do it"

To which one response is 'Just fuck off.'

Stand up for yourself, OP.

onalongsabbatical · 08/05/2018 16:04

Your brother is being completely ludicrous. You should have been properly asked - by him - and then it should have been checked - again by him - you have the reading, you know how long it needs to be etc etc. I'm not surprised you're upset, they made you look like you hadn't bothered when all the responsibility was theirs. If they're like this all the time? Keep your distance, at best.

Bekabeech · 08/05/2018 16:06

Spend some time on the Stately Homes thread.

Your brother is just as damaged as you and them. He is part of the whole thing, and chooses to remain so.

You are in FOG (fear obligation and guilt).
To be honest reducing contact to a minimum or ideal cutting all contact is the best way to protect yourself.

Build yourself your new reality, friends can be worth so much more than some families.

pigmcpigface · 08/05/2018 16:06

I understand how you feel - similar GC/scapegoat thing in my family. I think people who haven't been through it don't understand what it's like - it's basically constant gaslighting, and you can reach a point where you doubt your own sanity, and feel terrible about yourself.

I think the question is: can you forge a relationship with your brother where things aren't channelled through your parents? Because your mother is never going to stop controlling the flow of information like this. You need to cut her out of the communicational loop, and ensure that any requests come to you directly and verbally. If this is impossible, for whatever reason, then you need to reassess your relationships. Sometimes actually being prepared to walk away -and really meaning it - is the only means of ensuring that you are treated with dignity.

I think you might find you get a lot of understanding in the Stately Homes thread (Relationships)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2018 16:07

Ridiculous set up.
Why on earth didn't your brother just ask you directly? Then he could have been certain that you'd been asked. As it is, he put his trust in your mother again despite being told that you needed to be contacted directly - this suggests that he's a bit thick, or that he is complicit in this undermining of you in the wider family's eyes.
Also, if he's unwilling to contact you directly, then he doesn't much like you, does he.

I agree with swerving the lot of them if you can. They don't like you, they attempt to humiliate you and leave you out of things and your mother seems to be trying to make sure that no one else likes you either - why would you keep going back for more of that, even if they ARE your "family"?

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 08/05/2018 16:09

If your brother fails to recognise what your parents are doing, then as bad as them.

Hissy · 08/05/2018 16:10

So your DB is married now, you have done all your duties, cut the lot of them out of your lives and focus on important people.

Family is not supposed to be like this.

TomHardysLittleWeener · 08/05/2018 16:10

Your brother needs to cut the apron strings and start doing his own dirty work!

passmetheloppers · 08/05/2018 16:12

He's refusing to accept that you hadn't been told because he knows you are right and he is trying to shift the blame onto you instead of himself. He's been doing that for years, hasn't he?

Now you have a new SIL, then maybe ask her if she could contact you directly and tell you herself if there's anything you need to know about family occasions etc, just in case there is another 'accidental mix-up' and messages don't get through. You would be 'terribly upset' if something happened again. She'll obviously be aware of the wedding reading debacle already, and she might be more sympathetic, you never know.

At least if you know about something, then you can decide whether you want to be involved or not...

RatherBeRiding · 08/05/2018 16:13

No, you're not being ridiculous. The only ridiculous thing is that you allow yourself to be trapped and put on the spot like this because you think that it's family and so you have to make the best of it.

Guess what? You don't!

They ALL made a fool of you - deliberately. Maybe no-one actually sat down and thought "Hm, how can we make daisy look ridiculous at GC's wedding?" but - make no mistake - you were set up.

At least now you know. Make quite clear to the lot of them that YOU WILL NOT BE DOING ANY MORE READINGS AT ANY OCCASION. EVER. And then if they try a similar stunt again smile sweetly, laugh politely and say "Oooh no, you know I don't read anymore. Sorry!". Turn. Walk away. End of.

Hissy · 08/05/2018 16:14

The other thing to say is this:

when they have ALWAYS been this way, why would you ever think they will treat you any differently if you don't do things differently yourself?

What behaviour were you expecting from them?

BewareOfDragons · 08/05/2018 16:17

Your brother is relishing his role as the Golden Child.

I'd walk away from all 3 of them. Make your own family with friends and loved ones elsewhere in life.

AnneProtheroe · 08/05/2018 16:17

He insists really gruffly and rudely in front of the whole gathering that I WAS told I was doing a reading and to "just do it"

At this point I would have walked out.

Also, you don't TELL someone they're doing a reading, you ASK if they would be happy to do so, no matter how many times they may have done it on previous occasions.

Ignorant tosser. (Your GC brother, not you!)

GreenBox53 · 08/05/2018 16:18

They're horrible
Get to the bottom of it by asking 'when did you ask me?' 'did I reply?' very specific questions

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