To think someone should have asked me?

[daisybelle84]

Okay..just need to vent and maybe hear some opinions.
Background: Family have toxic tendencies which have steadily been getting worse as time goes on. I have one golden child brother. I'm the scapegoat. Whatever. I live with it.
Recently, GC brother got married.

In the past, I have usually been asked to do a reading at random family events...funerals christenings etc. I would never assume that I would be asked to read, but would always graciously accept the task if it was given to me.

Mother has recently begun a trend of trying to sabotage readings I'm asked to do. I suspect this is because she'd like to be able to read publically herself but doesn't have the nerve. She's given me the wrong information in the past so I'd make a mistake etc.

So in the run up to GC brother's wedding I was not asked to read. I didn't think anything of it and actually looked forward to being able to relax and not have a job to do. Fast forward to 2mins before the ceremony .....I'm approached by the organiser and asked what reading I'm doing? I tell them I'm not doing a reading. I'm told that I am definitely doing a reading. I ask GC brother and he says "Yes you are"

Mother and Father are totally silent beside me. I explain to GC brother that nobody told me anything about a reading and this was the first I've heard of it. He insists really gruffly and rudely in front of the whole gathering that I WAS told I was doing a reading and to "just do it".
I genuinely wasn't told anything. Naturally I got annoyed and repeated that this is the first time I've heard anything about reading. I was embarrassed and felt I looked bad in front of all those people because of someone else's mistake.

I did the reading, and it was fine, but was upset to be put on the spot like that and it was obvious my mother knew I was supposed to read all along and never bothered to tell me. I feel like I walked into the trap my mother set by getting annoyed about it. I didn't let it ruin the rest of the day and everything was fine but I'm just frustrated now.

I'm still annoyed at what happened. Am I being ridiculous? Surely the very least you need to do if you want someone to read at your event is to ask them?
I think the best way to deal with this from now on is to just not do any readings at family events in future. There's always some miscommunication and it's not worth the stress and hassle.

So tired of the lack of respect and being painted as the bad guy when I really don't think I did anything wrong?!

This kind of thing is why you have wedding rehearsals the night before.

You brother should have asked you personally to read, thst’s just basic manners.

I’m confused you’ve had so many problems because I’m regularly the designated reader among family and friends and I’ve never ever had things go wrong.

Both your mother and brother sound cruel.

It's actually quite upsetting to read your OP. I hope you can find a way to distance yourself from them and live your life free of these nasty bullies.

I was very much tempted to say go f**k yourself but didn't! It was incredibly awkward and right in front of other guests so I felt very much on the spot. I did stand my ground and insist that I had not been asked. I am not going to have someone mould reality to suit them.

Jeez- they all sound like hard work.
Not much you can do about the past but send an e mail to them all making it clear that you will not be doing any more readings under any circumstances - whether they are polite enough to ask you in advance or not- the answer will always be no (make sure the e mail is set up such that you are informed when it has been read so they can't say they didn't know.)

Tell your brother to contact you directly with any invites as parents are obviously getting forgetful in their old age and don't always pass on his messages.

They sound a toxic bunch- not sure I would be bothering with them TBH- what exactly do you get out of a relationship with them?

I did ask him "when did you ask me?" and he had no answer. Shocking!

Classic Stately Homes.

I suppose it's worth considering that your mother has embellished this little plot by telling him that she did ask you but of course he "knows how unreliable she is, darling, remember that time she never showed up to dinner at yours, so rude" in order to further alienate you from him.

But he was still complicit in this scenario, so he's no further use to you as any kind of "family", really. He'll always be happy in his role and your parents will take care to keep you in yours. :(

you have Two choices...

1. You accept the way they treat you because it won't ever change.

1. You close the door with your self respect and dignity in tact.

"Your brother is relishing his role as the Golden Child."

This. There is a pay-off for the family in this being 'just another' incident of you being difficult.

In my experience, siblings are actually sometimes the most resistant to seeing the family dynamic for what it is - even more so than the parents creating and perpetrating it at times. I am not sure why this is. I suspect it's because the force of parental approval or disapproval is more powerful than the benefits for the parents themselves. For the golden child, I guess this may mean accepting that the positive regard that parents have always given them, and on which their self-identity is often built, is an illusion.

"Just do it"

Those three words spoken in the circumstances you described, cut through me like a knife. Walk away - as others have said you have more than done your duty.

They ALL made a fool of you - deliberately. Maybe no-one actually sat down and thought "Hm, how can we make daisy look ridiculous at GC's wedding?" but - make no mistake - you were set up.

I really feel like I was! The more I tried to defend myself, the more I looked like I was being difficult.

*At this point I would have walked out.

Also, you don't TELL someone they're doing a reading, you ASK if they would be happy to do so, no matter how many times they may have done it on previous occasions.

Ignorant tosser. (Your GC brother, not you!)*

Trust me I did feel like walking out. But then I'd be an even bigger villain...so I stayed. I agree that you do need to ask. It's just basic manners.

Op, so sorry this is happening to you.

Your mum knows your” weak point” is that it matters to you that you do the right thing, care about looking difficult in front of others, and are caring.
She will move heaven and earth to exploit this because it gives her power over you.

You can’t get it right for her, because wanting to get it right is a big part of the trap.

She will reel you in by being reasonable for ages, then just as you relax, wham, she’ll drop you in it again.
I’m sorry, and I know I sound harsh, but I know this dynamic inside out.

I’m the golden child in my family, my sister is the scapegoat, but the difference is I really love my sister, and I call my mum out on it, no matter how much poor misunderstood me she does.

I think no contact at least for a while is all you can do.
Does your brother see the dynamic? And is there a chance for a relationship with him , without your mother being involved?

well thing that stands out to me here is your gc brother is also in on making you the scapegoat. so you can't trust either of them. he didn't ask you. your mum knew and also didn't ask you. they wanted you to fuck up in front of everyone. lovely! and these are supposed to be the people who want the best for you.

i personally would go lc from now on, nc if at all possible. only do what you feel comfortable with. most of all protect yourself. don't give them any more opportunities to hurt you. surround yourself with loving friends, lift your chin up, and live well. without your twerpy family.

Thank you...so much to think about. I honestly believe he asked my mother to tell me about this reading and she told him I'd agreed to it. If I was to suggest this to him, he'd say I was paranoid.
Can't win...so not going to try anymore. Oh well, they can rely on him to care for them in their dotage. Thank you for confirming that I am not being unreasonable for expecting to be asked to read at an event!

My mother seemingly cannot resist an opportunity to stir up trouble but brother is responsible for asking for his own favours too. I will certainly avoid having them at any major event of mine in future. It's sad but mother has always been a bit of a rotter and has had it in for me my whole life.

Prior to this wedding, they have been making pointed comments about how "this is the only wedding we'll have" as I am not dating at the moment. Mother has in the past said "no man will ever put up with you" to me. It is pretty fucked up!

Sounds like you need to give all of them a wide berth- they sound absolutely toxic.

Tell your mother if she ever does it again that you will publicly embarrass her. Then go NC.

Yeah, I've had quite enough. They're just not good people. It's sad....but there's nothing more to do except keep away. Whoever said my weakness is trying to do the right thing is absolutely correct. That's what's being used against me. I need to not give a damn anymore!

It IS sad that they are like this, but unfortunately some families are dysfunctional. You sound lovely and very normal! Probably why you're their scapegoat.

Step back from them - they don't want the best for you and your mother sounds particularly toxic.

If you don't want to go NC then try going LC. See them, or not see them, as it suits YOU and when it suits you. Rise above the comments by being serenely indifferent and shrugging your shoulders.

"this is the only wedding we'll have"
"no man will ever put up with you"

two perfect reasons to not ask them then, should you ever decide to get married!

Of course they should have asked you.

I am a bit shocked at how emotionally invested you all are in who does a reading. If your brother isn't usually an arse, I would have assumed it was a genuine oversight on his part or that he had asked DM to ask you and that's where the confusion arose.

Time to cut them off then Daisybelle - looks like this might be the last straw for you.
Your mother isn't going to be someone you'd want to introduce to a life partner by the sound of it - she'd only try and undermine and shame you in front of them too - far better to cut loose now.
for you. x

It really is the last straw. JessicaJonesJacket , it's more the rude response from brother that got to me. If it was a genuine error, I'd laugh it off but he refused to take any responsibility at all.
Mother has tried to imply previous boyfriends are cheating on me, so I don't tell her anything private anymore. Definitely won't be asking them to a wedding in future! Used to feel guilty about that but not any more!

I would have refusedoint blank to do it at such short notice. What a nerve your family have got OP. Why do you still bother with them?

You might be reading too much into it - someone informed me AFTER my brother's wedding mass had started that I would be doing the first reading. It wasn't malicious - he is just really slapdash.

Oh you poor thing. This sounds awful. It seems to me that you have two choices, broadly:

• Try to please them, knowing that they will continue to think of you as "the difficult one" no matter what
• Don't bother trying to please them, knowing that they will continue to think of you as "the difficult one" no matter what

The outcome is largely the same, in terms of how they'll treat you and think of you. But totally different in terms of what knots you need to tie yourself in, what events you need to attend, what reason you need to defend yourself with.

I think you hit the nail on the head earlier when you said something like not allowing someone to mould reality to suit themselves. Let them be in their warped, nasty bubble. There's no need to get in with them =)