To think someone should have asked me?

[daisybelle84]

Okay..just need to vent and maybe hear some opinions.
Background: Family have toxic tendencies which have steadily been getting worse as time goes on. I have one golden child brother. I'm the scapegoat. Whatever. I live with it.
Recently, GC brother got married.

In the past, I have usually been asked to do a reading at random family events...funerals christenings etc. I would never assume that I would be asked to read, but would always graciously accept the task if it was given to me.

Mother has recently begun a trend of trying to sabotage readings I'm asked to do. I suspect this is because she'd like to be able to read publically herself but doesn't have the nerve. She's given me the wrong information in the past so I'd make a mistake etc.

So in the run up to GC brother's wedding I was not asked to read. I didn't think anything of it and actually looked forward to being able to relax and not have a job to do. Fast forward to 2mins before the ceremony .....I'm approached by the organiser and asked what reading I'm doing? I tell them I'm not doing a reading. I'm told that I am definitely doing a reading. I ask GC brother and he says "Yes you are"

Mother and Father are totally silent beside me. I explain to GC brother that nobody told me anything about a reading and this was the first I've heard of it. He insists really gruffly and rudely in front of the whole gathering that I WAS told I was doing a reading and to "just do it".
I genuinely wasn't told anything. Naturally I got annoyed and repeated that this is the first time I've heard anything about reading. I was embarrassed and felt I looked bad in front of all those people because of someone else's mistake.

I did the reading, and it was fine, but was upset to be put on the spot like that and it was obvious my mother knew I was supposed to read all along and never bothered to tell me. I feel like I walked into the trap my mother set by getting annoyed about it. I didn't let it ruin the rest of the day and everything was fine but I'm just frustrated now.

I'm still annoyed at what happened. Am I being ridiculous? Surely the very least you need to do if you want someone to read at your event is to ask them?
I think the best way to deal with this from now on is to just not do any readings at family events in future. There's always some miscommunication and it's not worth the stress and hassle.

So tired of the lack of respect and being painted as the bad guy when I really don't think I did anything wrong?!

I’m confused you’ve had so many problems because I’m regularly the designated reader among family and friends and I’ve never ever had things go wrong. - that's probably because you don't have a toxic family. Those of us who do, can recognise this play. Maybe if you read some of the Stately Homes thread, or most of the Relationships board, you would be less confused?

Jessica - The reading was a straw, one of many. The last one. I hope OP can see how toxic her family are - they certainly don't have her best interests at heart in any way. Whether the brother asked mother and she 'forgot' or not, he should have asked OP directly. What else goes through mother, OP? Or rather, doesn't?

OP - it is OK to go LC or even NC. They don't deserve you, and will not ever bring you happiness.

He was about to get married. I don't find it that odd that he didn't have much patience for a family drama over a reading.
My experience of family events, readings, etc, is similar to Tawdry 's (although seemingly in the minority on this thread). No-one in my family would have caused a scene or got into an argument with the bride or groom minutes before the wedding.
Yy some of them might have had a conversation about it after the wedding and the honeymoon - just to make clear where the communication breakdown occurred.

Absolutely. I simply can't win so might as well stop trying to please them. I'd totally understand someone forgetting to ask...there's so much to remember at weddings...but you need to say "Shit, I forgot...do you mind stepping in?" You don't bark orders at someone.

I get this too - people talk to my family and not me and then think that as if by magic I get the message.

Sometimes I do, Sometimes I don't and quite often I get something totally different from the original or too late to act on.

Always struck me as a very odd thing to do

If you had been asked would you not have discussed what it is you would read in the first place?

They all sound like a bunch of cunts.

He couldn't answer when I asked him Who is supposed to have asked me? Crickets chirping.

YANBU. Even if your DM was supposed to ask you, it's pretty rude for the groom (or bride) not to ask you directly. Not to mention pretty stupid!

It didn't make any sense! Surely you'd double check to be sure nothing went wrong? There may well have been a bit of forgetfulness at play. I'm painfully aware of how much there is to remember.

Don’t feel guilty op. It’s their chickens coming home to roost. Not your doing x

Nah, there was no forgetfulness.

I'm not having a go at your brother because being the golden child is actually the worst position in the end. Golden children unconsciously know that their parents love is conditional because they see it writ large with the scapegoat child and they are permanently trying to maintain their position - it's psychological torture even for an adult child.

Although the scapegoat child gets the shitty end of the stick in terms of treatment, as adults they are often the ones who can find the freedom to say "fuck this shit" because they have less to lose and have a chance at a life outside of the toxic dynamic.

Your brother was complicit in your mother setting you up. Some part of him will have known that your mother would play silly buggers but he didn't want to upset the dynamic. It's not really his fault but you will never convince him to be an allie so you just need distance yourself from them all - shit as that is.

Those that haven't experienced this kind of family set up will never be able to see the manipulation, but those of us who have lived it know that you're not making a drama over nothing.

Thank you. You really need to live it to know. Parents paid a significant amount towards wedding and put in a LOT of free childcare so brother and SIL are not going to rock the boat with them. There's too much to lose.

Those that haven't experienced this kind of family set up will never be able to see the manipulation, but those of us who have lived it know that you're not making a drama over nothing

spot on DickTERFin

OP I am now very low contact with my parents - the only difference for me is that they never had a golden child. Their MO was divide and conquer. However, as me and my siblings have all got older, we've all pulled together and support each other in the madness.

What helped me was to finally realise that the more I tried to get them to "approve of me" the shittier they behaved towards me. I finally pulled away and stopped being bothered about their approval and I felt a lot better about myself. Just because they gave birth to you, doesn't make them decent human beings, sadly.

Readings have to be approved in advance so this can't be true.

It certainly can be true. The reader just has not been informed that they are down to read "God is Love" for the 12th time.

I can assure you it is true! I'm not sure exactly what the workings are but the reading was likely approved (non religious ceremony) it's just nobody told me I was doing it!

I stopped looking for approval about 4 years ago and sort of gave up on ever having a normal relationship with either of my parents. My mother just can't resist the urge to muck people about if the opportunity presents itself. It's a control thing.
I have since seen brother and SIL and nobody mentioned it or made any attempt at an apology. It will likely get brushed under the carpet.

Just will avoid any reading at family stuff from now on.

Then the organiser would know what the reading was and not need to ask.

So your brother can't contact you directly? Does he not have your phone number? Is he under 10? Go NC or very low contact,

"this is the only wedding we'll have"

Not true OP. An arsehole like that will probably have a few weddings under his belt, once you step back, because they’ll start on his wife, when they don’t have you to bully.

I stopped looking for approval about 4 years ago and sort of gave up on ever having a normal relationship with either of my parents. My mother just can't resist the urge to muck people about if the opportunity presents itself. It's a control thing

Definitely - she’s trying to draw you back in. Keep being strong OP. Good luck.

GO NC with them all and start living your life for you!

Whilst your still living under they're shadow your never going to put yourself first and you'll never start doing what is best for you and when you meet the person you intend to marry DO NOT INVITE ANY OF THEM.

I got baggered into inviting my big brother(15 years older than me)to my wedding and him,his partner and his older children were such shits that I cut all contact with them that very night.That was over 7 years ago and I've never looked back,my Mum and Dad have passed since and he was always the blue eyed boy(even though him and his family were real shits to my parents and my other brother and his family)but they're relationship never recovered with him and his family afrter what they'd done to my family and I'm even closer with my other big brother(13 years older than me)now.

Believe me once you've got through the first year it does get alot easier!

Oh do fuck off with the troll hunting.
Chances are the wedding organiser wanted to know which of the approved readings the OP was meant to be doing, not what reading.

FFS.

You were set up to fail. I just really don’t work like that and find the tricks unfathomable. I’m a scapegoat. Gc brother and mother love to trip me up and abuse me. Sil is even worse. I had the exact opposite to your scenario. I organised with the vicar for my dd to do a reading at my stepdads funeral. I’m chronically ill so the way I saw it, she did it in my stead.

Anyway brother and sil arrived and announced the night before he’d decided he wanted to do a reading but hadn’t had it approved with the vicar. I said it would be fine and dd was doing one to which sil announced he’d have to take my dds place if it was an issue. Her language: “You must admit gc comes first.” I tried to defuse her bomb 3 times stating I thought it would be fine before walking off, regrouping and coming back very clearly that dd was speaking on my behalf and she would be speaking. Then she did the wounded child act as though I attacked her. Brother explaining that it was a great speech, included me to which I responded that it is great and I hope the vicar will be ok with it? Bugger if I was letting them put my dd last again. I could just imagine the response if I’d suggested it in relation to their pfb!!

They both spoke btw. All that drama for nothing.

I used to let all communication go through my mother because that is how she wanted it. And I was set up to fail. Like the time when I was just so ill I hadn’t managed to physically get to the post office to send nephews present and my mother agreed to tell her. The vile and abusive texts I got over that. Just wow!

Anyway, I’m nc with my brother and sil. It’s great.

Then the organiser would know what the reading was and not need to ask.
The organiser did seem to know that I was meant to read. That's not the problem. The problem is nobody in my family asked me to. It would appear a message was sent through my (not to be trusted) mother and I didn't get it.

It is the only wedding they'll have Positively Perf because I know with absolute clarity now that my mother would destroy any happy day I had. I do hope SIL doesn't take any of their shit for her sake. Both parents constantly criticise her behind her back, but mother was over the top sweet to her on wedding day. It would make you gag!

I have asked him to contact me directly before, but he's a mummy's boy and trusts her completely.

That's terrible ohtheholidays.....I'm sorry you had that on your big day.
At least you don't have to deal with him anymore. Favouritism really does ruin families. I will elope! Always wanted to, but mother always threatened to stop speaking to me if I did. Like that's a punishment!!

Just to clarify...my name was in the printed ceremony booklet down as Reading number 3. The organiser came to me and said "You're doing a reading" and that was the first I had heard of any of it! It had been well established in advance that I was meant to read, but nobody actually asked me to or told me.

mother always threatened to stop speaking to me if I did. Like that's a punishment!!

Bonus! Do it!