To not want to talk to SiL again? Possible trigger warning

[upsideup]

POSSIBLE ED TRIGGER WARNING

I used to be anorexic but since my eldest was born I have maintained a healthy weight and am now fine. My DD who is 11 knows this, she knows what it is and knows that I used to have it but that's it, there has never been any need to go in to anymore detail with her, shes never asked any more questions and she has never had to worry about it because I am better now.

My SiL witnessed me ill for about 2 years, we didn't see each other very often and whenever she would ask I would just say I was doing fine so its not actually something that she knows anything about. I'm not close to her, my children aren't close to her and my DH isn't close to her. We do have lots of questionable history and I don't want to drip feed but it would take too long to mention everything and its not actually relevant to this.

And so last night SiL rang DH, dd spoke to her as well and went up to her room with the phone which isn't something that normally happens but me and DH commented it was nice they were chatting and wouldn't have considered needing to supervise dd talking to his sister.
In this phone call though SiL basically said (and this is only from what dd has told me so far) that now dd is becoming a teenager she is going to worry about her body and her weight which is normal but that she shouldn't ever come to me and talk about these things because it will make me really ill again, she went in to detail about me nearly dying, having to be hospitalised and force fed through a tube (all stuff that SiL hasn't properly been told so I guess she is just presuming was the case) and then that dd should always phone and talk to SiL about this stuff instead.

I have had to keep dd home from school today because she was so upset about it this morning I finally got her to tell me what was wrong after of hours of her saying she cant tell me and she doesnt want to hurt me, we had some lunch together and now she has now asleep, didn't sleep at all last night because she was up worrying. I have had to tell her stuff that otherwise I wouldn't have ever done, that an 11 year old shouldn't have to know.

AIBU to think right now I don't ever want to have to talk to SiL again and I don't ever want her talking to my dd again?
I am trying to convince myself that for once SiL had good intentions that somehow she was trying to be kind to me and DD and I don't want to let my past and the fact my dd is so upset affect how I'm viewing this. So would appreciate an outsiders view on whether this sounds like she trying to cause trouble or if she was trying to be kind? DH is working and so I cant speak to him yet

Oh crumbs how awful - I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

Whether it was done with good intentions or not it was totally indefensible. Personally I would be so angry and upset I would do nothing for a few days and mull it over......

I would be beyond livid. Even if she was trying to be kind it was not her place. In any way. If she was concerned she should have spoken to your DH. I hope he tears strip off her.

Unforgivable.
But do wait a few days before deciding how to respond. If you rant at SIL, she may use this as evidence that she was right to warn DD about you.
She may have had kindly intentions, but she should have run it by your DH and you first.
It's odd that she came out with this on a bank holiday evening - any chance she was drunk or bored and fancied a bit of a shit stir?
I hope your dd is ok, and that you've reassured her.

No she was not being kind, none of you are close so she would want to be monumentally thick to think it was she place to tell your dd. She was shit stirring I reckon but even if I am wrong I would pick up the phone and ask her who the fuck she thinks she is, tell her to save her future phonecalls too as they are not welcome

Agree with cider. She should have broached the subject with you and your DH first. It is not ok to ever tell a child that they can't talk to their parent about something and saying that if she did you might die...!!!! What an awful, awful thing for her to do. I don't know what the right approach is moving forward but right now I would be livid. I certainly hope you or your husband have a very frank discussion with sil about her actions and, at the very least, I would expect her to apologise to both you and your DD.

It was probably done with good intentions but they are warped and I would be incandescent with rage, personally.

She is not close to your daughter and it is not her place.

What does DH say? I'd make damn sure he contacts SIL and tells her how upset your DD is.

I would be furious. Keep calm and reassure your daughter that you are well and she can come to you about anything.

I don't know whether there is some back history here but No, I wouldn't be going out of my way right now to talk to her ever again.

She has completely overstepped her boundaries here. How awful for your poor dd. Those are conversations you and your dh should have with her if and when you felt the time was right.

Whether you and your dh choose to have NC, I think yes, it sounds wise for your dd to have no further contact. One of you also needs to let her know very firmly (I personally would do it in writing) why what she did was inappropriate and how it affected your dd.

I don't see how she could possibly think this would help anyone. It sounds to me like she was trying to manipulate your daughter into having a close relationship with her for some reason. Depending on the history you mention, maybe this was so that she could feel superior to you or make you jealous.

Whatever her motives, her behaviour was really inappropriate. Have you spoken to your husband about it yet? I agree with Gazelda don't do or say anything yet. Give yourselves a chance to discuss it properly and decide on a course of action.

If she was concerned about you all, she would have built up contact with your DD over Summer and addressed any possible future issues with you and your DH.

I think that she has been itching to burst your bubble, tbh. Given that you say there were other incidents.

If there was real concern, she should have read around how to promote body confidence in Teen girls and went with the information that she had been given. She's put the idea of worrying about her weight and body into her head. For many Girls that doesn't happen until around 14.

Don't accept any excuses about what she has done.

What a sick and twisted person she is & I'm wondering what her motives are for doing this.
I personally wouldn't wait to speak to her, I would be marching straight round there to have it out with her. I would then block her and don't contact her. She's YOUR dd, not hers, and she has no right to say anything about your past. Show your dd that you are sticking up for her.

Good luck

I'd actually text her and say that you are assuming she had DD best interest in mind, but she was completely inappropriate, over stepped, was incorrect about a lot of things and has caused DD distress and anxiety. That she needs to call and apologise to DD, admit that she had either lied or assumed things that were incorrect and she should never have encouraged DD to feel that she couldn't talk to her mother. That it's never DDs job to police DMs feelings or to feel there is nothing that she can't talk to DM about.

I'd also say that it's because you assume she was clumsily trying to help, you've decided to make it clear what has to happen for everyone to move on.

I would be fuming though.

And any apology call would have to be on speakerphone.

If you and dh have never kept in touch with sil why allow your dd to take the phone call upstairs? Are you sure your dh didn’t ask her to have a quiet word with your dd? I say this because this is exactly what a colleague of mine has done recently - got a relative he isn’t close to, to talk about ED to his dd as he thinks that conversation would trigger his wife.

I definitely think this is crossing a boundary and you should tell SIL you're not happy with what's been said.

Take a while to calm down and think about what you want to say. I'd probably send a message so I could just get it all out without having to get drawn into a slanging match. Something like 'I appreciate your intentions, I understand you want to be there for DIL, but she is my daughter and telling her she can't talk to me about problems isn't helpful, she's been really upset today after what you told her because we haven't shared details of my illness with her yet and I'd rather she hadn't been exposed to it, I know you meant well but I'd prefer if you have concerns about her, then to speak with me and DH so we can handle the situation together'

@just - OP hasn’t said the sil lied. Only that it wasn’t her place to tell her dd.

It's impossible to judge intentions here. It might have been well-intended, it could just as well have been completely malicious. What matters is the consequences, which are huge and negative for your family. You would not be unreasonable to stay away.

I don't think it's EVER someone else's place to tell a child that they shouldn't talk to a parent about something. How much weight does that put on a child's shoulders, to make sure they never mention the 'something' to mummy or daddy, in case of whatever eventuality they are warned about?

She was wrong, on that count, if no others.

Deeply peculiar and manipulative behaviour. Your dd is 11, what on earth was SIL thinking ? I would go absolutely mad if someone did this to my daughter, it is such a horrible thing to do. What is she like normally ?

I think she's a shit stirring bitch and it's nothing to do with her and I'd be on the phone giving her a very large piece of my mind!

Ye gods!

Take a few deep breaths. Have along chat with your DH and discuss how you will tackle this together.

I would say that you will need to construct a message, not a conversation, you want this to be cast iron and not open to any twisting! You need to say something like:

Dear SIL, DH and I are very disappointed that, instead of acting like an adult and talking to either of us about any issues you may have about something that happened over a decade ago, you chosen to talk to an 11 year old in such a manner as to cause her immense distress.

It is really not acceptable to ask child to keep secrets from her parents and to go further and to stress that the child cannot talk to her mother without making her mother ill is utterly unforgivable. No child should be handed that burden - especially by someone who has no idea of the real situation, way back then or now!

DH will be contacting you separately but I want to let you know that your little chat with DH has caused her a lot of stress. She is off school, terrified that something will happen to me and too scared to talk to either of us in case she causes me to be ill. Whatever your intentions were, you have done VERY badly by your niece.

And then get your DH to call and talk to her to underline that the two of you are in agreement and she needs to think over what she meant to do and why it went so baldy wrong!

Sadly, you then also need to look after both yourself and your DD. This can't be an easy time for either of you. I hope you can weather this together!

I would be phoning her (on speakerphone with DH) and reading her the absolute riot act. She would also have zero unsupervised contact / communication with DD.

oh golly you poor thing.
no totally wrong.but don't let this go inwards.i know you aid your recovered now so that amazing.so don't let something like this now be internalised for the little monster that is the disorder to sneak its way bacl through your doubts and upset over this.
it doesn't win.
this is something you should go to your daughter and talk to her about.but with triumph to it.how much this illness is such a tragic condition and it can be fatal but that look at you.you fought it.you battled hard.but you dam won.you beat one of the hardest most vicious illness out there.and you bloody won! yay yay hug your daughter won. let her ask any question.
make this about your and you dd now.dont let the hurt and inapropiratness of your sil come between you are add fuel to more upset.she was wrong.so now you being the one who battled this illness get to dictate how you go forward.
she might be confused and scared.its an illness so many no actually very little of what happens to the suffer.
so be open as you can or want to be.lt her ask the fearful questions.
do you think your strong enough to never be triggered if you dd struggled.
don't let this be a trigger for anything going forward.
im so angry on your behalf.why put such thoughts in a young girls head.especially at her age when she is more susceptible to the pressure of eds.ggrrrrr.
but anyway. make this now about your two.let it strengthen your resolved to keep fighting and to protect you dd.
im so sorry.
im so glad you fought and won.you amazing remember that.you got through.you can get through this then definitely.
keep going.

I don’t think going in all guns blazing is the best solution. I know you and your dh may want to. Take your time to respond to this. Your sil has probably taken a long time to consider whether or not to contact your dd. Thus having an angry, visceral reaction will be playing into her hands.

Personally I would be writiing her a physical letter telling her exactly how your dd reacted and why she has been so incredibly inappropriate. I would also tell her that she is not to have contact with your dd without either you or your dh present.

Bless your dd. I hope she’s feeling better for telling you. This has really touched a nerve with me to do with my home life. Your dd, who lost a part of her innocence today. Poor girl.

I should have said. You sound like an amazing and strong mum.

if you and you dh agree she needs to be bollocked then go forward away from your dd.make sure any argument or anything is kept away from her otherwise it will fuel her now possible fears of how upset you are and how she might then need to protectyou more.it will validate what your sil said.