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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want to talk to SiL again? Possible trigger warning

66 replies

upsideup · 08/05/2018 13:29

POSSIBLE ED TRIGGER WARNING

I used to be anorexic but since my eldest was born I have maintained a healthy weight and am now fine. My DD who is 11 knows this, she knows what it is and knows that I used to have it but that's it, there has never been any need to go in to anymore detail with her, shes never asked any more questions and she has never had to worry about it because I am better now.

My SiL witnessed me ill for about 2 years, we didn't see each other very often and whenever she would ask I would just say I was doing fine so its not actually something that she knows anything about. I'm not close to her, my children aren't close to her and my DH isn't close to her. We do have lots of questionable history and I don't want to drip feed but it would take too long to mention everything and its not actually relevant to this.

And so last night SiL rang DH, dd spoke to her as well and went up to her room with the phone which isn't something that normally happens but me and DH commented it was nice they were chatting and wouldn't have considered needing to supervise dd talking to his sister.
In this phone call though SiL basically said (and this is only from what dd has told me so far) that now dd is becoming a teenager she is going to worry about her body and her weight which is normal but that she shouldn't ever come to me and talk about these things because it will make me really ill again, she went in to detail about me nearly dying, having to be hospitalised and force fed through a tube (all stuff that SiL hasn't properly been told so I guess she is just presuming was the case) and then that dd should always phone and talk to SiL about this stuff instead.

I have had to keep dd home from school today because she was so upset about it this morning I finally got her to tell me what was wrong after of hours of her saying she cant tell me and she doesnt want to hurt me, we had some lunch together and now she has now asleep, didn't sleep at all last night because she was up worrying. I have had to tell her stuff that otherwise I wouldn't have ever done, that an 11 year old shouldn't have to know.

AIBU to think right now I don't ever want to have to talk to SiL again and I don't ever want her talking to my dd again?
I am trying to convince myself that for once SiL had good intentions that somehow she was trying to be kind to me and DD and I don't want to let my past and the fact my dd is so upset affect how I'm viewing this. So would appreciate an outsiders view on whether this sounds like she trying to cause trouble or if she was trying to be kind? DH is working and so I cant speak to him yet

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 08/05/2018 14:24

Even if the things sil was presuming, were factually true, to tell a child she will worry about her weight but will make her DM ill if she talks about it. That is a lie. And it's a nasty one.

Original poster
upsideup · 08/05/2018 14:25

Thankyou everyone for your replies, I definately need to take a few days to calm down, reassure DD and talk to my DH about this before we can talk to SiL.

If you and dh have never kept in touch with sil why allow your dd to take the phone call upstairs? Are you sure your dh didn’t ask her to have a quiet word with your dd?

We do keep in touch with SiL, I just meant we arent close so this isnt the kind of thing we would talk about with her rather than we dont talk to her. I didnt really register dd going upstairs with the phone, its not something I would have thought before about not allowing. And I am 100% sure my Dh does not want his 11 year old daughter to be told about anything of the stuff she has now been told about especially not by his sister, I need to talk to him but I imagine he is going to be furious when he gets home.
If he was worried he would talk to me first, we can and do talk about it and it doesnt trigger me at all or he would have talked to his dd himself.

OP posts:
kateandme · 08/05/2018 14:28

p.s I do want you to know how fantastic I think you are for getting through and being in recovery for the time you have.wow.bloody brilliant.
that shows how strong you are.how lovely.and what a shit of an illness it is for ever approaching your door.it deserve a good kick in the backside forever.so for you,your an inspiration to so many.amazing.

BanyanTree · 08/05/2018 14:28

Your SIL has seriously undermined you as a parent. I would never accept anyone asking my DC to go into another room and then say they can talk to her rather than you.

I would be screaming down the phone at her and telling her never ever to contact MY children or anyone in my family again.

In fact, you should get your DH to get on the phone to her to tell her all the above.

Hissy · 08/05/2018 14:30

absolutley no way I'd go down the "Never speaking to SIL again' route

Like fuck would I be texting either, or penning a letter.

I'd also NOT be handing this over to my DH to sort out with his sister. Oh no.

This is a direct approach to your child, it's about you and undermining you as a mother, as a woman and doing real damage to your DD.

Shit like that needs handling head on.

I'd wait for sure until DD was out of earshot, but I would absolutely set that awful woman straight and TELL her to stay the fuck away from me, my family and everyone and anything I know. How fucking dare she!

THEN I'd hand it over to DH to do whatever the fuck he liked in taking her to task. that woman would never darken my door and if she did try to contact anyone near me I'd seek police advice/support to keep her away.

And I concur, the fact that your DD came to you tells you all you need to know about the trust she has for you and the bond you share.

If that woman for one second was doing this out of kindness and concern, she'd have made more effort with YOU, she'd have come to YOU or at the very least to your DH.

kateandme · 08/05/2018 14:32

this bloody illness the twat that keeps on given.
its so worrying how much it effected your dc already.so you've done such a nice thing in keeping her with you and safe today.keeping her cacooned for a bit.i think that will have helped lots.to have gone to school with those feeling would have been horednous for her.
id just keep comforting her for a bit.almost like a lot younger child in keeping her protecting.reasured that its ok and she and you are safe.
heaven foribid if she does struggle with things in the future.it is the very support network from those around you that aids the fight so she needs to no she has you guys.what a thing then for your sil to say.it must have been frightening.

Dobby1sAFreeElf · 08/05/2018 14:34

Its one thing to say not to talk to you - not ok at all BTW - but to also tell DD to not talk to her own DF instead is completely below the belt. Also not all teenagers have body issues, so what was she suggesting to DD anyway? She's all but suggested there is something wrong with her and she'll notice it when she's older. It may not have been her intention, but that's a conversation that should be delicately handled so any body issues don't start now.

nolongerblue · 08/05/2018 14:36

Completely inappropriate. She effectively told your daughter that she is responsible for keeping you alive, as she could kill you if she says the wrong thing!
I would also be annoyed at her planting the idea in your DD head that she has to start worrying about her body and weight.
It was a terrible thing for her to do!

TaighNamGastaOrt · 08/05/2018 14:42

YANBU. I'd be raging. Your poor DD. Definitely talk it over with DH and calm down. Thats the sensible thing to do. Then you can both tear a strip off her.

elderflowerandrose · 08/05/2018 14:45

It is unforgivable.

Quite what SIL intentions or reasons were are totally irrelevant, she should have spoken to you first if she was even considering a conversation like this with your dd.

A few days of reflection is never a bad thing when something hits you like this.

For what it is worth I would be totally nc from now on, and absolutely no communication with dd. How she can ever think this would be acceptable to anyone is beyond me.

DD will not necessarily have any body issues whatsoever, to even put it in her head, much less almost an expectation that your dd WILL have them (because of you) is what really does it for me.

I had many eating disorders inc anorexia, both my dds have grown up body confident without a thought about food or dieting. You of all people have probably raised her very carefully and considerately to avoid the problems that you had when you were younger, so do not be blind sided by this, it does not follow your dds will be ill just because you were. Absolutely the reverse can be true. Be confident in your body and she will follow suit, as you know already.

Can't quite get over someone doing this...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/05/2018 14:50

Wow, whatever her intentions were that is so far over the line it is indefensible.

I think you should stay out of it. Tell DH and let him tear a strip off her.

Keep reassuring your DD and make sure she knows she can talk to you about this. Do not let her see you get upset as this is what she was worried about doing. Poor girl.

Your SiL is a dick.

billybagpuss · 08/05/2018 14:51

I am very impressed that you haven't been on the phone to SIL already shouting her down. This is beyond any boundaries that she could have stepped.

I think its right to take some time and calm down first.

Please look after yourself and DD before worrying about her.

ShowMeTheElf · 08/05/2018 14:54

YANBU. Shocking behaviour. Any excuse to make herself a focus.

sonjadog · 08/05/2018 14:57

I Wonder what on earth motivated her to do that?!

fuzzywuzzy · 08/05/2018 14:58

Anyone who tries to terrify my child into stop communicating with me is not someone who I ever want to have contact with me or my family.

Your SIL crossed the line so far it’s not even a dot in the horizon.

She sounds like an utter cow who wants control and one up on you.

Tell your dh and keep your dc away from the evil witch.

StylishMummy · 08/05/2018 14:59

I'd be apoplectic and go NC. How DARE she?!

Cornishclio · 08/05/2018 15:04

I am actually flabbergasted your SIL could do such a thing. Whether or not she had good intentions, this is not something to be discussed with your DD by someone who is not close to her and especially to tell her not to talk to you about normal teenage feelings re body image etc in case it makes you ill is just so far over the line. First of all, some 11 year olds are still really children so should not have to cope with the sort of feelings your SIL would have caused by going into graphic details about your illness. Secondly some girls do not go through the angst of worrying about body image and without her knowing the intimate details of your illness there is no saying that is what caused your anorexia.

Wow, she is seriously out of line here and I think I would talk to your DH and discuss how to deal with it. In the meantime just reassure your DD that you are better now and nothing she says to you will make you ill. Well done on your recovery by the way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2018 15:19

I'm with Hissy on this one. She needs putting straight.
How very bloody dare she undermine your position as your DD's mother and tell her stuff that she had no business telling her, and put the fear of causing a relapse into your DD? Jesus, there was no kindness involved there at all! It's a pure power play and I'm disgusted with her behaviour!

Bloody hell. So angry for you! Thanks

justforthisthread101 · 08/05/2018 15:27

As someone with a toxic relative who used to pull crap like this, I suggest putting all your energy into reassuring your daughter about your own health, and the fact that your SIL had no business saying any of that.

Then stay as low contact with SIL as possible, and let your DH deal with her.

Role model that to your daughter. She'll understand in time, even if she doesn't now.

Petitino · 08/05/2018 15:30

Wow wow wow, on so many levels. How dare she! I'd be furious and she would most certainly feel my wrath!

The one person that your DD can talk to about such thing is YOU. I don't think there is anyone more qualified to be in that position than you - not least of all because you are her bloody mother and you have firsthand experience and come out the other side. She on the other-hand knows sweet fuck all.

I don't see any good deed in what she said, to either you or your daughter. All she's done is terrify a very impressionable young girl. I can only see malice in this unfortunately.

Your SIL has overstepped a massive boundary and I'd be seriously considering either no or low contact. Either way, she needs a dressing down and put in her place.

RomeoBunny · 08/05/2018 15:34

SIL would be losing all access I'm afraid in this house. What a horrible, thoughtless witch.

Twillow · 08/05/2018 15:37

what justanothernameonthepage said

R2G · 08/05/2018 15:39

Have your husband call her and explain the impact. She should then be calling you to apologise.

butterballs9 · 08/05/2018 15:40

Totally outrageous - your SIL has succeeded in deeply upsetting your daughter which is unforgivable. You are also upset. She has totally disregarded your boundaries and those of your daughter. She had no right to go behind your back and have this conversation with your daughter. Did your husband know that she was going to do this? I assume not, but if he did that makes it even worse....

rainbowstardrops · 08/05/2018 15:41

Utterly, utterly outrageous!!!!
She has totally stepped over the line and spoken out of turn.
Did she ring especially to talk to DD?
Talk to your DH. Calm down a bit before you make any big decisions.
Personally though, I'd be backing right off from the weirdo.