I am livid with DH and men in general. AIBU?

[whatwhenwhy]

This morning my husband has gone to work, but I'm still feeling livid. AIBU?

I know that sometimes when he's away on business he might watch soft porn as a "mechanical aid" or "to speed things up" as he puts it I have seen the kind of thing he might watch and it's basically women on women group sex. He assured me he never watches anything with any form of bondage or violence and I have no cause to think otherwise. I have sometimes watched the female group sex videos with him and find it all fake and a bit of a joke to be honest, but each to their own.

Anyway, he came back from a business trip on Friday night. On Saturday morning, he was taking my daughter (10) somewhere. She went on his phone and saw an indecent image. I am not entirely clear what the image was. DH grabbed the phone from her. DD apparently had said, "Im going to tell mummy - ew" or words to that effect. DH obviously felt terrible and told her it was an advert that had randomly popped up. DD believes this because she has no concept of porn sites. DH told me what has happened when he got home - he was highly embarrassed. I asked him for the name of the site and when you google it, the homepage is various images including a woman about to give head and other flashing images inc women exposing their vaginas. I'm mortified that my daughter has even had a second's glimpse of this kind of thing.

Sorry if this is long, but I was very upset and we then had a conversation about the ethics of porn in general and how would he feel if his daughter ended up in the sex industry. In the course if this, DH revealed that "every stag do (except his) ends up in a strip club". This is historical because we're now in our 40s and I think there's only been a couple of weddings in the last ten years, but he's been on probably about 20 stag dos over the years and is "not sure" if the groom had a private dance or other extras. I know all these wives and also know that if they had known their DH had had a private dance before their wedding, they would have called the whole thing off. I told DH he had colluded with deceiving these friends of mine on their wedding day and it makes me feel sick. Plus, he never felt the need to tell me he had been in these clubs at the time or find out how I felt about them. Some have been in stags in Eastern Europe.

I am feeling lied to, even though this is all in the past and livid on behalf of some friends. Sorry, I know the phone thing and the historical stag strip club parties are two separate issues, but AIBU to feel absolutely livid? For context, we have been together 20 years, he is generally a kind and considerate husband and father. Our sex life has always been good. We have our "roles" in that I've been at home with the kids and he's the "provider" as such, but it works that way for us and we have few tensions. We have 3 DC. AIBU and over-reacting? Sorry this is so long.

He is a great dad to his daughters.

Very protective of the teenage one, to the point of over -protective sometimes. - so not really that great. Think how he'd treat a son - would it be different? That he wouldn't need 'protecting' as if he were somehow less capable?

my daughter's first sight of porn should be on her own dad's phone, the man she trusts above anyone, disgusts me. - so definitely not, at all, a great dad.

I don't know op all this stuff is so normalized now, he probably doesn't feel he has done anything wrong. But for you, he isn't the man you thought he was, and that is hard to take in. My dh has never been to a strip club, tbf we live in Ireland and they are a relatively recent thing here. He didn't bother having a stag so no shenanigans there. I just feel women are being programmed to accept this stuff as normal, but it's not, and you are entitled to find it unacceptable. If he is a good man I hope you can sort it out going forward.

@SunshineandRain18 oh I objectify men just the same as I'm sure you do too but just conviniently don't recognise the fact.

I'm not a cool wife. I just think it's pathetic to get so het up about porn.

Who wants to try to guess how many of the porn apologists that have turned up are here at the OP's invitation?

Disingenuous nonsense.

@RomeoBunny speak for yourself! I don't objectify either.
However even though I don't agree with porn in general. I was more concerned about stripclubs.

I'm not a cool wife. I just think it's pathetic to get so het up about porn

Oh aye, pathetic to get het up by a misogynistic industry that portrays women as little more than a series of holes, to be treated in disrespectful and often dangerous ways and consent is never guaranteed.

It’s pathetic NOT to get het up about porn! M

Dixie, I'm not sure I'm correctly understanding your post, but if you read the thread, the whole point is that I am most certainly not a "porn apologist" in any shape or form. Where did you get that from? The whole reason I posted is that I'm struggling with it. I think only one person on the whole thread has claimed to be totally ok with porn. I certainly did not "invite" them to MN. How could I possibly invite anyone to say anything?

OP, I’m with you. I couldn’t trust my ex’s decency or moral compass once I’d made roughly the same discovery as you. ( but without accidentally involving a child). And when he came out with “well lots of the guys I know go to brothels but I don’t” like he expected a round of applause, that was the end of it.
I couldn’t shake the idea that he was almost certainly lying to me so to be honest I’d rather be single. Yuk!
It’s depressing isn’t it. ☹️

So... divorce him or don't. I don't see the point of complaints like these. You didn't bother to talk about this or find a man who shared your values on this issue when you married him. You just assumed. You watched porn with him even though you didn't like it. And lets be honest, even if you'd found this out, you wouldn't have left him. You didn't leave him when he took a photo of a woman's arse in public (which is disgusting).

If it's that important to you, leave. If not, meh.

Well this is depressing. I'd feel like you do too OP. Things like this are the reason I don't feel I can trust men. Your poor daughter

Stay well clear of getting involved with other people's relationships. You are making assumptions about what they know and are comfortable with in their relationship. You can't judge their relationships based on your own standards. They may well already be aware of the strip clubs and have been OK about this.

I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of what our relationship is like, other than to say porn or strip clubs don't bother me. Lying about it would. My DH has been on stag dos where they have gone to strip clubs and he's always told me either before hand or the next day if he's been to one and what's gone on etc.

Your DH not telling you at the time about using them is what you should be cross about IMO. I'm assuming he knew you weren't comfortable with him going to strip clubs at the time? If he's disrespected your wishes and then lied to you about it, that's what I would be upset about.

Some will be totally against porn, others won’t care. The same with strip clubs. There’s no point trying to all argue our points of views as to why we think these things are ok or not as usually peoples opinions are very fixed when it comes to the sex industry.
I don’t care about my OH watching porn occasionally but I do care about strip clubs and he knows i’d Leave him if he went to one. He’s known my views on this since our second date and is crystal clear on my feelings. I feel for you, OP, but by not making your opinions on things like this absolutely clear to him you have blurred the boundaries of what he thought was acceptable behaviour or not.
It’s best to have these discussions early on and if you don’t agree or aren’t willing to compromise at least then it’s best to find someone else who will. Having completely different ideas on things like this will always be a recipe for disaster further down the line.